Another Pretty Face
Viewing comments for Chapter 5 "Chatper 2 Part three"Can love survive small town gossip?
73 total reviews
Comment from Belinda
Hi, Barbara, I like this chapters for many reasons: how you describe each character without much 'telling', the interactions between the characters, and the cute Cassie. Not to mention, the hook at the end. The way you start your chapter with the closing of the former one is interesting too. You do it on purpose?
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2010
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Hi, Barbara, I like this chapters for many reasons: how you describe each character without much 'telling', the interactions between the characters, and the cute Cassie. Not to mention, the hook at the end. The way you start your chapter with the closing of the former one is interesting too. You do it on purpose?
Comment Written 09-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2010
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Yes, I do it on purpose, but only if I split a chapter. I think it helps the reader remember what just happened. Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Nanashirley
I enjoyed this chapter as well. It flows and leads you to the next step. The style is very easy to follow. You add more info as you go. Good job.
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2010
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I enjoyed this chapter as well. It flows and leads you to the next step. The style is very easy to follow. You add more info as you go. Good job.
Comment Written 09-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from bowls
I'm so hooked on this story,and you always leave me wanting more. I like the way you're revealing more about the main characters bit by bit and showing the contrast between their lives. Nice touch having something important coming up right at the end of the chapter.
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2010
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I'm so hooked on this story,and you always leave me wanting more. I like the way you're revealing more about the main characters bit by bit and showing the contrast between their lives. Nice touch having something important coming up right at the end of the chapter.
Comment Written 09-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Arkine
Wow, that's rare to get preganent the first time. But I'm curious as to why the memory brings her so much pain? An interesting chapter. Didn't catch any nits. Nicely done! :)
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2010
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Wow, that's rare to get preganent the first time. But I'm curious as to why the memory brings her so much pain? An interesting chapter. Didn't catch any nits. Nicely done! :)
Comment Written 09-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2010
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It will become completely clear why it's so upsetting. Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Shirley McLain
Great chapter as usual. I do enjoy reading your book. Your characters remain strong and the dialog is very good. I did find one little oops and I have pasted it below. Good job.
I'm fluent is Spanish
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2010
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Great chapter as usual. I do enjoy reading your book. Your characters remain strong and the dialog is very good. I did find one little oops and I have pasted it below. Good job.
I'm fluent is Spanish
Comment Written 09-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2010
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Thank you for catching that. I will correct it. I appreciate your review.
Comment from LadyWave
Way to keep us hanging at the end! I want to know more about Sara's past with Cassie's father. Sara and Joe's flirtation is really coming alive, and I love how sweet Joe is with Sara.
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2010
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Way to keep us hanging at the end! I want to know more about Sara's past with Cassie's father. Sara and Joe's flirtation is really coming alive, and I love how sweet Joe is with Sara.
Comment Written 09-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2010
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Thank you for your kind review. I appreciate it.
Comment from nita-applebaum
Whaaat? That's it? What happens next? That was great. It was like I was watching a movie. I am really loving this story, once again. Can't wait for the next piece. It was wonderful.
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2010
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Whaaat? That's it? What happens next? That was great. It was like I was watching a movie. I am really loving this story, once again. Can't wait for the next piece. It was wonderful.
Comment Written 09-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Rasp E
The dialog is good - it's natural and unforced.
There's a lot going on here in this scene - enough so I'm not sure where you're wanting me to focus my attention and which details are the critical ones. Is it the very good family chemistry, Sara's insecurity, her reluctance to get close to Joe or level with him? If you want to cover all of them, I suggest slowing the scene down and letting each thread develop a little more independently so we have time to absorb it before the scene moves on.
Also, this piece transitions between Sara and Joe's POV, so I'm not sure who is dominant in the scene and who I should be focusing on. If you want to do both, I suggest adding a bit more tension and using that moment to transition a little more deliberately. Once they're done with the dishes, I have a hard time visualizing the scene - there isn't enough descriptive detail to anchor me in it.
I do like this piece - the more I like something the pickier I am about it, so hopefully my comments don't sound too awful. :) Have a good night.
Erica
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reply by the author on 09-Jul-2010
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The dialog is good - it's natural and unforced.
There's a lot going on here in this scene - enough so I'm not sure where you're wanting me to focus my attention and which details are the critical ones. Is it the very good family chemistry, Sara's insecurity, her reluctance to get close to Joe or level with him? If you want to cover all of them, I suggest slowing the scene down and letting each thread develop a little more independently so we have time to absorb it before the scene moves on.
Also, this piece transitions between Sara and Joe's POV, so I'm not sure who is dominant in the scene and who I should be focusing on. If you want to do both, I suggest adding a bit more tension and using that moment to transition a little more deliberately. Once they're done with the dishes, I have a hard time visualizing the scene - there isn't enough descriptive detail to anchor me in it.
I do like this piece - the more I like something the pickier I am about it, so hopefully my comments don't sound too awful. :) Have a good night.
Erica
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 09-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2010
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I just was told in another review to move it along faster, that I'm spending too much on developing the scene and characters. HUMM, confusing. I thought I had all the POV issues cleared up, but I will recheck. Thank you for your kind review.
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Well you know what they say - if you can't please everyone... :D
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I know it's frustrating. I just rechecked my POV. I have struggled with that area. I am in Joe's POV in this post.
Comment from Ted T
Hi Barbara :)
The piece is good for what you're writing. As I said earlier, I can't really critique formula romance.
However, if I'm not mistaken, all of these last three parts have taken place in one afternoon and evening? Nothing wrong with that except a lot of "getting to know you" has happened too quickly and everybody loves everybody and they're happy as punch.
I suggest some serious conflict real soon. But then, you're working with formula.
I think Sara has chewed on her lower lip enough. It's starting to sound silly.
Ted
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2010
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Hi Barbara :)
The piece is good for what you're writing. As I said earlier, I can't really critique formula romance.
However, if I'm not mistaken, all of these last three parts have taken place in one afternoon and evening? Nothing wrong with that except a lot of "getting to know you" has happened too quickly and everybody loves everybody and they're happy as punch.
I suggest some serious conflict real soon. But then, you're working with formula.
I think Sara has chewed on her lower lip enough. It's starting to sound silly.
Ted
Comment Written 09-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2010
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I will take out some chewing lips. Conflict is getting close. Thank you for your kind review. One more post, then we get to the reunion. Some conflict, not major, but we are heading downward from there.
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I've read your other reviews and it appears most of them favor what you're writing.
Continue on.
Ted
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Yes, I just took a hit over wanting more detail, to slow it down, and a POV switch, but I checked and can't find a POV switch. Maybe if I didn't somebody else with catch it.
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Hi :)
I've read more of your reviewer comments. Actually, you're getting some bad information. Some of these people love to see how literary they can be in a review. I won't name them, but they're blowing a lot of hot air.
I didn't catch any switch in POV. You can switch POV if you do it right. The usual rule is: one scene, one POV. What if you have three characters talking in one scene? What then? Ask your reviewers to elaborate. You'll get different opinions from every one of them.
Think of it this way: you're looking through a camera -- the character in focus has the floor, it's his POV. Cut to Alice at the end of the table -- it's her POV.
Example: "Listen, David. The project went broke two months ago."
David tried to curb his frustration. "I know that, Jennifer, but it can be turned around."
Cut to the chairman. "Okay, both of you. There's a solution and we're hear to find it."
One scene, three characters, three points of view. Was it hard to follow? Did you have trouble knowing who was speaking? Did I switch POV?
Yes, I did. What then is the problem?
There isn't any.
Get caught up in every reviewer's comments and you'll go nuts.
Stay SPAG-free and write your book. It'll either get published or it won't.
I now have ten cover/query letters in the agent-mill for "Thorns." I had eleven -- one has been rejected. Am I upset? No, the book will be represented or it won't.
You haven't gotten this far yet. You better get prepared -- rejections will come.
I've been there before. I have a tough skin, I don't believe you do.
Ted
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What if you have three characters talking in one scene? What then? Ask your reviewers to elaborate. I PM'ed this person and asked her to please explain herself. She has not gotten back to me. I did it in a very nice way. You are right, I am sensitive. I am working on my query. I ordered a book that has a chapter on writing queries for romances. Writer's Digest put it out. I hope I can get some additional insight from it.
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Hi :)
I had an idea there would be a separate format for romance cover/queries. I'm guessing it will be another formula.
BTW: it's very easy to screw up POV if you don't pay attention to what your characters are saying and doing.
Ted
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When I first started FS I was always messing that up. I now write in the margins who's POV I am in, so I don't mess it up.
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Hi :)
I get a bit testy with all this BS about POV. Are our FS readers dumb?
Is Bill speaking? If so, it's his POV. Once he has his say and Paula speaks -- it's her POV. When the narrator narrates -- it's his/her POV. What the hell is the big deal?
Did you have any trouble understanding who's POV was who's in the example I gave you with three characters in the meeting scene?
I don't think so.
You can write a scene with twelve characters in any given scene. Move them around, let them talk. Each speaker is the POV character while he/she is talking. When the narrator comes in, it's his/her POV.
What's that tell you?
You can write from only one POV at a time. Isn't that simple?
Then what the hell is all the fuss?
Going back over your last chapter part, I found no problem with character POV.
There's no need for margin notes. When Sara speaks, it's her POV. When Joe talks, it's his POV and so on.
There are tricks to keep POV clear: transition lines will work every time.
EXAMPLES:
"Sara, there are a lot of things you don't know about me." He cut himself short and looked out into the moonlit back yard.
"I'm aware of that." She pressed her head against his shoulder. "I have secrets too. For the first time in my life, I'm ready to share them."
Joe's POV, Sara's POV -- a single scene.
Did you have any difficulty understanding who's POV was being used -- including the narrator?
I don't think so.
There's nothing wrong with your POV so far in these chapters.
Ted
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Thank you. I didn't think there was a POV issue myself.
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You're welcome :)
Comment from Thesis
The story is so fluid, that it is real. Interruptions like this happen all the time. WHen people want to stop and really finish a conversation, they are distracted by a phoine call or interrupted by a family member. I can relate to that very well. With three women in my house, it's always filled with drama. - Thesis
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2010
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The story is so fluid, that it is real. Interruptions like this happen all the time. WHen people want to stop and really finish a conversation, they are distracted by a phoine call or interrupted by a family member. I can relate to that very well. With three women in my house, it's always filled with drama. - Thesis
Comment Written 09-Jul-2010
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2010
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I have males, but they are noisy. Not drama, just NOISE. Thank you for your kind review and support.