Another Pretty Face
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Chapter 1 Part one"Can love survive small town gossip?
98 total reviews
Comment from menachem
Hm, I can see some of those twists already. Who's the father, hm. That really sets the scene. Also a testimony to how much LESS perception SHOULD matter, as we get older.
Two things:
1. The sentence that starts, "A teenage girl", doesn't have a verb in it. Just one.
2."You and Josh"? And...
Nice! I guess I'll be reading more!
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2010
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Hm, I can see some of those twists already. Who's the father, hm. That really sets the scene. Also a testimony to how much LESS perception SHOULD matter, as we get older.
Two things:
1. The sentence that starts, "A teenage girl", doesn't have a verb in it. Just one.
2."You and Josh"? And...
Nice! I guess I'll be reading more!
Comment Written 24-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2010
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I have taken care of it. Thank you for your kind review.
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Glad I could help.
You're welcome.
Comment from fictionwriter
I enjoyed this beginning. You can see the attraction right up front, and the hint of the mystery of who's the father is great. Well done
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2010
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I enjoyed this beginning. You can see the attraction right up front, and the hint of the mystery of who's the father is great. Well done
Comment Written 24-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from cheyennewy
Hi Barbara,
This is going to be a great story, I am already engaged in it. Both Joe and Sara are good characters which you developed quite well. I will watch for the next chapter...well done. Blessings, chey
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2010
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Hi Barbara,
This is going to be a great story, I am already engaged in it. Both Joe and Sara are good characters which you developed quite well. I will watch for the next chapter...well done. Blessings, chey
Comment Written 24-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from jwlee211
Great writing. I really like the descriptions you use to set the scene and the action. Really great job pulling the reader into the story
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2010
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Great writing. I really like the descriptions you use to set the scene and the action. Really great job pulling the reader into the story
Comment Written 24-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from miajaffri
Sounds like you're off to a good start. The characters
sound real and believable. You wrote with details and
made the reader want to keep reading. It seems like things
are happening fast...Before Joe could answer, his dad
vigorously shook his hand. I didn't realize his dad had
come out from the backyard. ...Sandy took the money and
drove away while Sara watched. What did Sara watch?
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2010
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Sounds like you're off to a good start. The characters
sound real and believable. You wrote with details and
made the reader want to keep reading. It seems like things
are happening fast...Before Joe could answer, his dad
vigorously shook his hand. I didn't realize his dad had
come out from the backyard. ...Sandy took the money and
drove away while Sara watched. What did Sara watch?
Comment Written 24-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2010
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Thank you for your review. I didn't think it was needed to go into such detail to explain every little detail. If I did that this novel would never end. If Joe's dad shook his hand, I would assume he was close by and If Sandy left, I would assume that's who Sara watched. Are these two the reason for the four stars?
Comment from dportwood
barbara,
I understand everything except the last six words of this chapter. hehe
You have a great story-telling style and the reader never loses interest.
I did notice this one item:
This sentence needs more:
A teenage girl with a brunette ponytail hanging from under a navy blue baseball cap.
Otherwise, very well done.
Duane
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2010
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barbara,
I understand everything except the last six words of this chapter. hehe
You have a great story-telling style and the reader never loses interest.
I did notice this one item:
This sentence needs more:
A teenage girl with a brunette ponytail hanging from under a navy blue baseball cap.
Otherwise, very well done.
Duane
Comment Written 24-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2010
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Thank you for your kind review. I will check that sentence out.
Comment from Solrac
Here we go again. The Disney-like description of the good boy and bad girl that sounds so hollow in the beginning will as usual grip the mind of the reader into a complicate and turn-page novel that as usual will keep coming with deliberately slow and heart-pounding dozes. I hate that. But you put the gun of your writing right between the eyes and forced me to keep reading the next chapter, and the next, and the next, and the next...
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2010
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Here we go again. The Disney-like description of the good boy and bad girl that sounds so hollow in the beginning will as usual grip the mind of the reader into a complicate and turn-page novel that as usual will keep coming with deliberately slow and heart-pounding dozes. I hate that. But you put the gun of your writing right between the eyes and forced me to keep reading the next chapter, and the next, and the next, and the next...
Comment Written 24-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2010
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HEY!!!!!! YOU'RE BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YEA!!!!! OH darn!!! I'll never get posted a first place again!!!!!!!!! (LOL) This one has some interesting twists, I think even you will like. How do you feel about child pornography? Thank you for reading my post.
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Hello Barbara,
No, I am not back YET. You won't believe this but two weeks ago I signed a contract for TWO BOOKS.and working like crazxy on the third, besides the website for them. It is not finish and needs more polishng but it is in the net. If you have the time, take a look, and let me know what you think. You are in one of the movie trailers.
the website is www.999steps.com
Solrac
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Well, I am upset that you aren't back, but I am extremely happy for your success as a author. I will check them out. Someday, maybe I can join you.
Comment from JimLee
I think you have a good start. Most of the dialogue is believable and realistic. The conversation about Josh's education and death seemed odd. Joe would know all that
without them discussing it the way they did.
Perhaps a little narrative could explain that easier.
I am looking forward to the next chapter.
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2010
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I think you have a good start. Most of the dialogue is believable and realistic. The conversation about Josh's education and death seemed odd. Joe would know all that
without them discussing it the way they did.
Perhaps a little narrative could explain that easier.
I am looking forward to the next chapter.
Comment Written 24-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2010
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Yes, Joe knows all of that be we readers don't and it will become important as the story proceeds. Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from Rafaqat Bano
hi
it is good starting .......with the characters as are moving in he real in life ...... their gestures are appealing ........story is intersted and seems one of the stories as happen in domestic life .......i like it . ....thanks for sharing.....
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2010
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hi
it is good starting .......with the characters as are moving in he real in life ...... their gestures are appealing ........story is intersted and seems one of the stories as happen in domestic life .......i like it . ....thanks for sharing.....
Comment Written 24-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2010
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from SamanthaD.
What a great story- I was totally interested throughout the entire chapter! I can't wait to read more chapters. It's good that you left some dangling ideas to keep our interest strong! Hugs, Samantha
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2010
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What a great story- I was totally interested throughout the entire chapter! I can't wait to read more chapters. It's good that you left some dangling ideas to keep our interest strong! Hugs, Samantha
Comment Written 24-Jun-2010
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.