Ashes To Ashes
A Lento71 total reviews
Comment from Laurie Keim
Hi Rose.
It starts with a wonderful cadence. I like the experiment of rhyming at the beginning of the line. Put that one away in your bag of tricks.
"Haunted by her fathers death.
Vaunted child, to servant's role.
Taunted with their every breath.
Flaunted wealth, her home they stole"
I applaud the detail and invention with the verbs.
"Grubs for supper from their trash.
Stubs of candles gutter low."
Avoiding metaphor and then using it beautifully. The reincorporation of "ash" show a sense of drama and narrative skill.
"Lashes from their tongues and frowns.
Ashes for her heart to wear."
The switch to contemporary register works a treat here.
"Coup begun, revenge in store."
I enjoyed it very much. Technically it is great but fails in the last three stanzas to reinterpret the tale sufficiently to convince the reader that these are real experiences of flesh and blood as fairy stories must do.
Cheers,
Laurie Keim
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reply by the author on 07-Nov-2012
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Hi Rose.
It starts with a wonderful cadence. I like the experiment of rhyming at the beginning of the line. Put that one away in your bag of tricks.
"Haunted by her fathers death.
Vaunted child, to servant's role.
Taunted with their every breath.
Flaunted wealth, her home they stole"
I applaud the detail and invention with the verbs.
"Grubs for supper from their trash.
Stubs of candles gutter low."
Avoiding metaphor and then using it beautifully. The reincorporation of "ash" show a sense of drama and narrative skill.
"Lashes from their tongues and frowns.
Ashes for her heart to wear."
The switch to contemporary register works a treat here.
"Coup begun, revenge in store."
I enjoyed it very much. Technically it is great but fails in the last three stanzas to reinterpret the tale sufficiently to convince the reader that these are real experiences of flesh and blood as fairy stories must do.
Cheers,
Laurie Keim
"
Comment Written 07-Nov-2012
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2012
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Hi Laurie, The experiment is called a Lento, and rarely appears here--the last time in 2010. Can't claim any ownership of the form, just the execution. Thank you for taking the time from your own words to write such a thorough and interesting review.
Comment from rhymelord
Dear Wendy,
Absolutely fabulous quatrain writing with rhyme and metre to die for, as did the ugly sisters in this wonderful twist on the story. If this does not win, I shall call upon more spells.
Reg
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2012
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Dear Wendy,
Absolutely fabulous quatrain writing with rhyme and metre to die for, as did the ugly sisters in this wonderful twist on the story. If this does not win, I shall call upon more spells.
Reg
Comment Written 07-Nov-2012
reply by the author on 08-Nov-2012
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Good Morning Reg,
Thank you so much for the read and review and the sixth star. I really had fun with this one--well the kind of tonguing the sore tooth fun. It is a challenging form, but I love puzzles and this was certainly up there with the best. Keep your spells ready, there are some very gifted writers in the bunch--Wendy
Comment from mystery poet
After taking in your author notes I must say that you
have a work of art here. This is quite a challenging
form and I like your version of Cinderella just fine.
The Victorian artwork is nice and suits the storytime.
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2012
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After taking in your author notes I must say that you
have a work of art here. This is quite a challenging
form and I like your version of Cinderella just fine.
The Victorian artwork is nice and suits the storytime.
Comment Written 07-Nov-2012
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2012
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Thank you so much for taking the time to read and review my words. I enjoyed the puzzle it presented and have always been a fan of the Cinderella story, whatever the version.--Wendy
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It was all my pleasure to read and review!
Comment from c_lucas
A new interesting way to tell the tale of Cinderella. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very good read. Good luck in your contest.
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2012
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A new interesting way to tell the tale of Cinderella. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very good read. Good luck in your contest.
Comment Written 07-Nov-2012
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2012
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Thank you so much for taking the time to read and review my words. I enjoyed the puzzle the Lento presents I have always been a fan of all the variants of the story. They weren't called the brothers Grimm for nothing.--Wendy
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You're welcome, Wendy. Charlie
Comment from Jeanie Mercer
This is an interesting, dark version of the Cincerella fairytale, with the emphasis this time on the angry stepchild. The Lento form seems done to perfection, which must not have been easy to accomplish. Good luck to you, Jeanie Mercer
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2012
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This is an interesting, dark version of the Cincerella fairytale, with the emphasis this time on the angry stepchild. The Lento form seems done to perfection, which must not have been easy to accomplish. Good luck to you, Jeanie Mercer
Comment Written 07-Nov-2012
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2012
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Thank you, Jeanie, for taking the time to read and review my words. I enjoyed the puzzle the form presented and have always been a fan of the Cinderella story, whatever the version.--Wendy
Comment from ameen786
Hello rosehill, my friend, the lento is a challenging form that I wouldn't dare to write; you accomplished a superb poem in fast paced rhyme/rhythm telling Cinderella's story of courage and revenge; thanks for sharing and good luck!
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2012
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Hello rosehill, my friend, the lento is a challenging form that I wouldn't dare to write; you accomplished a superb poem in fast paced rhyme/rhythm telling Cinderella's story of courage and revenge; thanks for sharing and good luck!
Comment Written 07-Nov-2012
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2012
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Thank you so much for the read and review. You should try one. A challenge is always a good way to go. Maybe just try the two refrain minimum at first.--Wendy
Comment from donaldww
This is an excellent job you've done on this Lento, which I would call one of the the hair-shirts of poetry.
Did you enjoy all the little barbs as you manipulated the front rhyming gerunds?
Now, how 'bout some Lento soup for your castle guests!
Cheers,
DW
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2012
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This is an excellent job you've done on this Lento, which I would call one of the the hair-shirts of poetry.
Did you enjoy all the little barbs as you manipulated the front rhyming gerunds?
Now, how 'bout some Lento soup for your castle guests!
Cheers,
DW
Comment Written 07-Nov-2012
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2012
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Thanks for the review or pork-loined poet. I just came back from reading your piece and will have to wait and digest a bit--when my Grandson isn't yelling caaaw, moo at Baby Mozart while on my lap. Gerunds, is that what they are called? That's not what I was calling them last night. Actually, I enjoyed this puzzle of a format. No soup, maybe muffins though. Neither a borrower nor a lento be!--Wendy
Comment from Crystal Vail
This is so lovely and deadly! lol. I really enjoyed reading this. I wouldn't dare attempt this level of rhyming yet, but maybe someday. Poems like this inspire me to write harder and smarter. Thanks so much for a wonderful read.
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2012
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This is so lovely and deadly! lol. I really enjoyed reading this. I wouldn't dare attempt this level of rhyming yet, but maybe someday. Poems like this inspire me to write harder and smarter. Thanks so much for a wonderful read.
Comment Written 07-Nov-2012
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2012
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Thank you so much Crystal V--I really appreciate your taking the time to read and review my words. I think you should try this. It is always good to challenge yourself. This was my first and it just fits together like a puzzle--if you like them. Thank you for the sixth star too.
Comment from Debbie7
I liked this dark Cinderella story. This is the second poem I've read for this contest, which seems difficult to me. The rhymes are excellent. The story just moved right along at a quick pace and took me with it! Good Luck. Namaste, Debbie
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2012
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I liked this dark Cinderella story. This is the second poem I've read for this contest, which seems difficult to me. The rhymes are excellent. The story just moved right along at a quick pace and took me with it! Good Luck. Namaste, Debbie
Comment Written 07-Nov-2012
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2012
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Thank you Debbie for taking the time to read and review my work. You should give this form a try. It is a great puzzle!.
Comment from Cornelius2000
Very clever poem, re-telling the Cinderella story. Beautifully rhymed and with perfect meter, I'd love to show this to other FanStory poets as an example of how to do it. A fun one to read.
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2012
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Very clever poem, re-telling the Cinderella story. Beautifully rhymed and with perfect meter, I'd love to show this to other FanStory poets as an example of how to do it. A fun one to read.
Comment Written 07-Nov-2012
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2012
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Thank you for taking the time to read and review my work. I think that I should give credit for the rhyme and meter where it is due. After singing Cole Porter, Johnny Mercer and a multitude of Musical scores, I am pretty sure what they are supposed to sound like. I do appreciate your noticing them, as I am a bit old school about that. Thank you for the sixth star too