Comment from juliaSjames

Excellent

Quite an eerie poem, Dean. Your words don't only paint a picture of an old graveyard, they create a mood.

Very nice satori that allows the reader to imagine the ghostly shapes in the darkness.

Perhaps a tad heavy on alliteration for haiku. But this is a most effective write.

Best of luck!

 Comment Written 12-Jun-2014

---

reply by the author on 12-Jun-2014

Thanks, Julia, and the alliteration was completely unintentional as I realize it is most generally frowned upon in haiku poetry. But this one just poured out of me, as it was based on an actual recent experience. So, I tossed the dice and decided to let the chips fall where they may.

Thanks for your fabulous review, Julia. Much appreciated.

reply by juliaSjames on 12-Jun-2014

I know what you mean. Sometimes I have to rewrite because of unconscious use of poetic devices. Even rhyme!!! Western culture exerts a heavy influence, as is natural. if you wish to delve deeper into haiku please read Haiku; A Poet's Guide by Lee Gurga. But the most important thing is to practice.

peace and blessings, julia

reply by the author on 12-Jun-2014

I will, and thanks.

Comment from Giddy Nielsen-Sweep

Excellent

This is an excellent presentation, Dean. I love your colour choices. I thought your Middle line set up the conclusion via the last line very well, best wishes, Giddy

 Comment Written 12-Jun-2014

---

reply by the author on 12-Jun-2014

Thanks for the wonderful review, Giddy.

Comment from sgalletti

Excellent

Hi Dean! Well, I'm reading through all of these entries with great interest for multiple reasons. Most of all, I'm looking for great examples of haiku as I understand haiku, not as how FS explains it. In your poem, you definitely have two concrete images in juxtaposition with each other, with a cut or kireji inviting the reader in to experience their own emotional response. The caution I would offer is that while I absolutely love alliteration and consonance and use it often in rhyming poems and many poetry forms, it is not advised in these short forms as it makes the poem feel "heavy" and distracts. Best of luck in the contest. Sue

 Comment Written 12-Jun-2014

---

reply by the author on 12-Jun-2014

Thanks very much, sgalleti, and after studying haiku for the past few weeks, reading everything and anything I could to understand it better, I do recall reading that. Traditional Japanese haiku master poets do not like alliteration because it tries to show off how clever we are, and that's far from what haiku is all about. However, in my defense, this one just flowed out of me, with absolutely no thought whatsoever to alliteration, as I recalled an experience while sitting in an ancient cemetery on moonlit night doing charcoals of old headstones.

So, I apologize for that, as it was by no means intentional.

Thanks for your excellent assessment. Much appreciated.

Comment from Judy Couch

Excellent

Excellent haiku. I like the image it conjures up even without the picture. The picture does enhance the words though and makes the poem more fun to read.

 Comment Written 12-Jun-2014

---

reply by the author on 12-Jun-2014

Thanks very much, Judy. I'm so glad you enjoyed it.

Comment from martha france cannon

Excellent

really liked this. the three lines of descriptive language are just wonderful. thoughtful and takes this reader someplace to imagine another time

 Comment Written 12-Jun-2014

---

reply by the author on 12-Jun-2014

Thanks for your very fine and encouraging review, Martha. Most appreciated.

Comment from SLHarper

Excellent

This is a beautifully spooky, well-conceived, well-executed haiku. I like how the third line is not just "commentary" on the scene you establish in the previous two lines, but rather, a transcendence from the natural to the supernatural takes place. Good luck in the prompt contest!

Stephanie

 Comment Written 12-Jun-2014

---

reply by the author on 12-Jun-2014

Thanks very much, Stephanie, I appreciate the complimentary review. The satori line, or last line of haiku, contain an experience of surprise or sudden insight, sometimes called the ?ku,? usually in the final line.

Comment from BunnyS

Excellent

I don't know how you manage to make things so beautiful and creepy at the same time, but you are the master! Beautifully done and it conjures up all kinds of images in my overactive imagination. This could easily be a made into a poster... Very nice!!

 Comment Written 12-Jun-2014

---

reply by the author on 12-Jun-2014

Thanks so much, Bunny. Much appreciated, and I'm glad to know that you liked it.

Comment from zanya

Exceptional

So atmospheric and haunting - oozing ambiance - creating a powerful impact for the reader - accompanied by an equally striking pic

 Comment Written 12-Jun-2014

---

reply by the author on 12-Jun-2014

Thanks so much for your stellar rating and review, zanya. I'm truly glad that you enjoyed my haiku entry.

Comment from forestport12

Excellent

I like how this fits the requirements so far as nature's influence. At the same time it is unlike any Haiku I've read that gives you goosebumps.Shifting moonbeam streams gives such a strong initial picture of movement, mood, something unseemly working. Are the dead really dead? I would love to see how you would handle the Senyru about human emotions etc...

 Comment Written 12-Jun-2014

---

reply by the author on 13-Jun-2014

Hah, well, I've tried that once already , Stan, and didn't fare too well. But, I'm learning and really trying to improve.

Thanks so much for your kind review.

Comment from LIJ Red

Excellent

Wow, that's a drawn out prompt. Three lines, short long short, punctuationless, present tense, concrete imagery
and no singing tombstones named Fred. Excellent.

 Comment Written 12-Jun-2014

---

reply by the author on 13-Jun-2014

Hah, yep, lots of requirements, but not insurmountable ones, LIJ Red.

Thanks for an entertaining review, my friend.