A Promise Kept
She never lost her faith.43 total reviews
Comment from Rdfrdmom2
well, if this was written in a hurry, I absolutely cannot wait to read the
kinds of things you will be writing once you slow down a bit. I think this
is an extremely well-done entry for the faith writing prompt. BTW, sometimes
we just need to sit down and write under pressure just to see what we
are capable of.
good luck in the contest
jan
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2016
  |
well, if this was written in a hurry, I absolutely cannot wait to read the
kinds of things you will be writing once you slow down a bit. I think this
is an extremely well-done entry for the faith writing prompt. BTW, sometimes
we just need to sit down and write under pressure just to see what we
are capable of.
good luck in the contest
jan
Comment Written 26-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2016
-
Thank you so much for your encouraging review and the five stars. It is folks like you taht keep me writing.
Comment from Winslow
Dear Writer,
An interesting take on faithfulness. The reader assumes, like your main character,
that her husband will fail her, but low and behold this time he comes through. Great powerful ending. One wonders, though, if she were the one that spiritually was able to reach him and bring him to the delivery room to assist her.
Good luck in the contest.
This could be improved by tightening. You also overuse was. Here is a suggested edit for this section.
I no longer had any faith in my husband. Every time I counted on him to do something he failed me. It didn't matter if it was a big thing, or something unimportant, he never came through.
For instance, on my mother's birthday, we made plans to take her out for dinner but he never showed up. He said he stopped to shoot a few games of pool and never noticed the time.
Or, he was supposed to pick our son up after school and my son had to call me to come get him. I could never count on him to do anything he promised to do. I lost any, and all, faith in my spouse.
Last (October?) he asked me to have faith in his word again. He wanted to take a job in Alaska far from our home in Michigan. He faithfully promised to be back before our baby was born in February. He begged and pleaded his case till I could not stand hearing it anymore.
I hope this helps.
Warm regards,
Winslow
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2016
|
Dear Writer,
An interesting take on faithfulness. The reader assumes, like your main character,
that her husband will fail her, but low and behold this time he comes through. Great powerful ending. One wonders, though, if she were the one that spiritually was able to reach him and bring him to the delivery room to assist her.
Good luck in the contest.
This could be improved by tightening. You also overuse was. Here is a suggested edit for this section.
I no longer had any faith in my husband. Every time I counted on him to do something he failed me. It didn't matter if it was a big thing, or something unimportant, he never came through.
For instance, on my mother's birthday, we made plans to take her out for dinner but he never showed up. He said he stopped to shoot a few games of pool and never noticed the time.
Or, he was supposed to pick our son up after school and my son had to call me to come get him. I could never count on him to do anything he promised to do. I lost any, and all, faith in my spouse.
Last (October?) he asked me to have faith in his word again. He wanted to take a job in Alaska far from our home in Michigan. He faithfully promised to be back before our baby was born in February. He begged and pleaded his case till I could not stand hearing it anymore.
I hope this helps.
Warm regards,
Winslow
Comment Written 26-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2016
-
Thank you. I will take your tips to heart. I'm sorry to be out of reviewer votes for this month. I would give you one if I had it to give. Thanks again.
Comment from Word Junkie
Hello Author,
Based on content, the story deserves six stars, but no more than four based on SPAG. I settled on the five: It's an uplifting, logically-told and fascinating piece of prose.
He begged and plead his case till I couldn't stand hearing anymore.
He begged and pleaded his case till I couldn't stand hearing him any more. ('Pled' is acceptable. "Plead" is present tense.)
and I felt my consciousness slipping [omit "my"]
thought your husband was here", the doctor told me. [comma inside closing closing quote]
I woke up in the morning [omit "up"] Comma after "time" in this sentence, or break it into two sentences.
Around 10:00, my father-in-law came into my room and he looked awful. His eyes were all red and his hair was standing on end.
"Around" makes this sentence passive. Consider ... At ten a.m. my father-in-law entered my room. He looked awful--his eyes were red, and his hair stood on end.
Active and Passive Voice - Purdue OWL - Purdue University
"What's wrong father?, I asked.
"What's wrong, Father?" If you can use the person's name in place of the pronoun ... "What's wrong, Frank?" ... the pronoun should be capitalized.
my father-in-law said, with tears running down his face. [omit "with"]
I read the Author's Note, and I understand that you wrote this in a hurry and posted it immediately. It is a contest entry, though, so it might be advisable to do additional editing prior to voting.
Watch for wordiness: eliminate every unnecessary word.
This story has great promise.
Good luck in the contest!
Lana
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2016
|
Hello Author,
Based on content, the story deserves six stars, but no more than four based on SPAG. I settled on the five: It's an uplifting, logically-told and fascinating piece of prose.
He begged and plead his case till I couldn't stand hearing anymore.
He begged and pleaded his case till I couldn't stand hearing him any more. ('Pled' is acceptable. "Plead" is present tense.)
and I felt my consciousness slipping [omit "my"]
thought your husband was here", the doctor told me. [comma inside closing closing quote]
I woke up in the morning [omit "up"] Comma after "time" in this sentence, or break it into two sentences.
Around 10:00, my father-in-law came into my room and he looked awful. His eyes were all red and his hair was standing on end.
"Around" makes this sentence passive. Consider ... At ten a.m. my father-in-law entered my room. He looked awful--his eyes were red, and his hair stood on end.
Active and Passive Voice - Purdue OWL - Purdue University
"What's wrong father?, I asked.
"What's wrong, Father?" If you can use the person's name in place of the pronoun ... "What's wrong, Frank?" ... the pronoun should be capitalized.
my father-in-law said, with tears running down his face. [omit "with"]
I read the Author's Note, and I understand that you wrote this in a hurry and posted it immediately. It is a contest entry, though, so it might be advisable to do additional editing prior to voting.
Watch for wordiness: eliminate every unnecessary word.
This story has great promise.
Good luck in the contest!
Lana
Comment Written 26-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2016
-
Thank you, Junkie. I appreciate good, honest reviews. I will edit the story and take your suggestions.
Comment from Ulla
Well, this is a poignant story and very well told. I like the idea the you saw your husband when he was actually dead. On thing at the very end you suddenly change tense: I will tell her = I would tell her. Good luck in the contest. All the best. Ulla
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2016
|
Well, this is a poignant story and very well told. I like the idea the you saw your husband when he was actually dead. On thing at the very end you suddenly change tense: I will tell her = I would tell her. Good luck in the contest. All the best. Ulla
Comment Written 26-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2016
-
Thank you. I appreciate all the help I can get. I will edit and take your suggetions,
Comment from William Ross
What a wonderful story and great entry on this prompt of faith. i'm sure he was there. Great read and wonderful write Good luck on this and have a great day.
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2016
|
What a wonderful story and great entry on this prompt of faith. i'm sure he was there. Great read and wonderful write Good luck on this and have a great day.
Comment Written 26-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2016
-
Thank you. I'm glad you enjoyed the story.
Comment from TheWriteTeach
This is very moving. I've got tears in my eyes. This was interesting from start to finish. There wasn't anything that slowed down or stalled out the forward motion of the story. Your transitions from one scene to another were good, and the descriptive narrative made the words come alive. Your dialogue was believable until the end. The conversation between the new mother and her father-in-law sounded a little off; forced. Good luck in the contest.
Suzanne
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2016
|
This is very moving. I've got tears in my eyes. This was interesting from start to finish. There wasn't anything that slowed down or stalled out the forward motion of the story. Your transitions from one scene to another were good, and the descriptive narrative made the words come alive. Your dialogue was believable until the end. The conversation between the new mother and her father-in-law sounded a little off; forced. Good luck in the contest.
Suzanne
Comment Written 26-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2016
-
Thank you. I thought the last dialogue sounded a little stilted myself. Maybe I can fix it. I appreciate your help.
Comment from joann r romei
This was very good, i did not spot any errors and am not very good at that anyway, it read like a true story, good luck in the contest, xo
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2016
|
This was very good, i did not spot any errors and am not very good at that anyway, it read like a true story, good luck in the contest, xo
Comment Written 26-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2016
-
Thank you. Just a spur of the moment story. I thought I might have quite a few mistakes.
Comment from johngie
Very, very good Aunt Ruth. I had tears in my eyes before I got to the last paragraph. You do have a flare for writing. I would love to read a book of yours some day. Keep up the good work and I'm glad you had time to get this in.
Love and hugs.
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2016
 |
Very, very good Aunt Ruth. I had tears in my eyes before I got to the last paragraph. You do have a flare for writing. I would love to read a book of yours some day. Keep up the good work and I'm glad you had time to get this in.
Love and hugs.
Comment Written 26-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2016
-
Thanks, Angie. Do you have any good ideas for a book? I can't seem to think of one. This was just a spur of the moment story. A lot of times I don't know what I am going to write but after I start it comes to me. Getting started is the hard part. I figured this would have a lot of mistakes because I only had a few minutes to work on it. Love Ya Always Auntie
-
Getting started is the hard part, then staying with it. I must have ADD or something. I start a good story but go off in tangents too much.
Comment from RPSaxena
Hello Friend,
A nice and interesting story beautifully depicting its theme - Faith!
Wording is simple, impressive and perfectly matching the theme.
Smooth and captivating flow from the beginning to the end, and as a result, some minor slips related to SPAG are worth overlooking.
Last 6-7 lines are especially noteworthy.
Best of Luck!
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2016
|
Hello Friend,
A nice and interesting story beautifully depicting its theme - Faith!
Wording is simple, impressive and perfectly matching the theme.
Smooth and captivating flow from the beginning to the end, and as a result, some minor slips related to SPAG are worth overlooking.
Last 6-7 lines are especially noteworthy.
Best of Luck!
Comment Written 26-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2016
-
Thank you for the six stars. They are appreciated. I might get time to go back over this today and correct any mistakes. My husband is in poor health and I don't get much writing time. I'm glad you enjoyed the story.
Comment from Pearl Edwards
This is a beautiful spiritual write, with a difference. The faith that she puts into her husband and the spiritual bond that helps to pull her through. You may have written it in a hurry, but you've certainly grabbed hold of the emotions all the way through this lovely story. Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2016
|
This is a beautiful spiritual write, with a difference. The faith that she puts into her husband and the spiritual bond that helps to pull her through. You may have written it in a hurry, but you've certainly grabbed hold of the emotions all the way through this lovely story. Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 26-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2016
-
Thank you. Your words mean a lot to me. I was so afraid this was going to be a poor job of writing because I rushed it so much. So happy you liked the story.