Along the Jericho Road
Viewing comments for Chapter 10 "Kaskeya Moon, Part 1"Murder Mystery
51 total reviews
Comment from Isabeldorastorey
Oh, YES. a really good read in my favourite genre. Have just become a fan so that I can more easily access your further writing.
reply by the author on 24-May-2012
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Oh, YES. a really good read in my favourite genre. Have just become a fan so that I can more easily access your further writing.
Comment Written 24-May-2012
reply by the author on 24-May-2012
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Thank you so much for your supportive and very generous review, Isabel. I sure appreciate your interest and time. Warm regards, Bev
Comment from CHarte
This is a good well written chapter. It's the first chapter I have read and enjoyed it enough to want more.
Collette
reply by the author on 24-May-2012
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This is a good well written chapter. It's the first chapter I have read and enjoyed it enough to want more.
Collette
Comment Written 24-May-2012
reply by the author on 24-May-2012
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Thank you so much for taking time to read my chapter. I sure appreciate your kind words and generous review. Warm regards, Bev
Comment from micci
Great read well written I am going to have to find out where the rest of the book is and start from the beginning, I loved reading your story
reply by the author on 24-May-2012
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Great read well written I am going to have to find out where the rest of the book is and start from the beginning, I loved reading your story
Comment Written 24-May-2012
reply by the author on 24-May-2012
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Hi, micci. Gosh I sure appreciate your interest and great review. Thanks so much for taking time to read this chapter. Warmest regards, Bev
Comment from Cobalt Blue
This is very well put together. I didn't see even one small grammar, spelling, or punctuation error which is a sure sign of someone who cares about her work very much. The characters seem very real. The dialogue is realistic. There is a feeling of tension throughout which keeps the reader interested and wanting more. A good murder mystery in progress. I'll keep my eye out for more!
reply by the author on 24-May-2012
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This is very well put together. I didn't see even one small grammar, spelling, or punctuation error which is a sure sign of someone who cares about her work very much. The characters seem very real. The dialogue is realistic. There is a feeling of tension throughout which keeps the reader interested and wanting more. A good murder mystery in progress. I'll keep my eye out for more!
Comment Written 24-May-2012
reply by the author on 24-May-2012
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Thank you so very much for your kind and supportive review, Cobalt Blue. I really appreciate the encouragement and your generosity. Warmest regards, Bev
Comment from fictionwriter
Another wonderful addition to the story. I didn't see anything that could be faulted. Great flow and wonderful execution in writing. Well done.
reply by the author on 24-May-2012
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Another wonderful addition to the story. I didn't see anything that could be faulted. Great flow and wonderful execution in writing. Well done.
Comment Written 24-May-2012
reply by the author on 24-May-2012
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I sure appreciate your generous and supportive review. Thank you much for taking time to read! Warm regards, Bev
Comment from tinams
This is another excellent chapter Bev. Very well written with great descriptions of your characters, especially Chet who is a real weirdo. I was agog from start to finish and can't wait to find out what happens next :) Tina
reply by the author on 24-May-2012
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This is another excellent chapter Bev. Very well written with great descriptions of your characters, especially Chet who is a real weirdo. I was agog from start to finish and can't wait to find out what happens next :) Tina
Comment Written 24-May-2012
reply by the author on 24-May-2012
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Thank you much, Tina. I sure appreciate your generous review and support! Warmest regards, Bev
Comment from Aarondodd1989
[For the moment] (I'm questioning the need for this sentence... have a think and make your own decision.), he forgot his aching bladder (period) [and the fact that while] he waited (He was waiting) for a couple of asshole detectives to get their act together, (worried that in the mean time) he('d) [might] be forced to piss his pants. (you certainly don't have to use this exactly, but try working on this sentence, as it's long, and it doesn't read well.)
Bright overhead lights bathed his scalp (in) with heat,
he was [never-the-less] (with the "though" earlier in the sentence you don't need this.) pleased at his own cleverness.
Had he gotten them dirty crawling around outside that bitch's windows looking for a way to get in and [PUNISH] (italics) her for the way she ruined his life?
Chet grunted [on] (as he was) rising from the moulded plastic chair,(period) (He) crossed the room)comma) and directed his words toward the blank screen.
I need to use the toilet right now;(period) otherwise, I'm gonna pee all over your nice, clean floor.
An angry Detective Newstead pressed his fist into the middle of Chet's back (comma) and roughly shoved him through the doorway and down the hall.
Sheriff Derek Oleson (do you need to use the full title and name every time?) nudged the metal security door of his private entrance closed behind him. (Well, I had to read this three times to understand it... Up to you, look at it or leave it.)
He stepped quickly to his computer console (comma - ok this is consistent, I won't mention it again. Most of the time, you need a comma before and, or, beacuse, but etc.) and (turned it on.) w(W)hile it was booting up (comma) removed the baton, radio, flashlight and holstered Glock semi-automatic from his duty belt.
The word had has become noticeable. Read every use of had and decide whether or not it's necessary, if not. Remove it.
He'd worked with Ron Jolly for ten years,(Period) [and] h(H)e trusted the man's instincts(comma) largely due to his creative and deductive abilities.
To be continued is unecessary in a novel.
I like the characters you have in this piece, each has their own voice, and it's clear who is talking at all times.
There is a level of uncertainty who the protagonist and antagonist is in the first half of the piece, but that isn't a criticism.
I like a lot of the descriptions you've given, and most of what you've written adds to the story.
This was a good write, but it needs some work.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 24-May-2012
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[For the moment] (I'm questioning the need for this sentence... have a think and make your own decision.), he forgot his aching bladder (period) [and the fact that while] he waited (He was waiting) for a couple of asshole detectives to get their act together, (worried that in the mean time) he('d) [might] be forced to piss his pants. (you certainly don't have to use this exactly, but try working on this sentence, as it's long, and it doesn't read well.)
Bright overhead lights bathed his scalp (in) with heat,
he was [never-the-less] (with the "though" earlier in the sentence you don't need this.) pleased at his own cleverness.
Had he gotten them dirty crawling around outside that bitch's windows looking for a way to get in and [PUNISH] (italics) her for the way she ruined his life?
Chet grunted [on] (as he was) rising from the moulded plastic chair,(period) (He) crossed the room)comma) and directed his words toward the blank screen.
I need to use the toilet right now;(period) otherwise, I'm gonna pee all over your nice, clean floor.
An angry Detective Newstead pressed his fist into the middle of Chet's back (comma) and roughly shoved him through the doorway and down the hall.
Sheriff Derek Oleson (do you need to use the full title and name every time?) nudged the metal security door of his private entrance closed behind him. (Well, I had to read this three times to understand it... Up to you, look at it or leave it.)
He stepped quickly to his computer console (comma - ok this is consistent, I won't mention it again. Most of the time, you need a comma before and, or, beacuse, but etc.) and (turned it on.) w(W)hile it was booting up (comma) removed the baton, radio, flashlight and holstered Glock semi-automatic from his duty belt.
The word had has become noticeable. Read every use of had and decide whether or not it's necessary, if not. Remove it.
He'd worked with Ron Jolly for ten years,(Period) [and] h(H)e trusted the man's instincts(comma) largely due to his creative and deductive abilities.
To be continued is unecessary in a novel.
I like the characters you have in this piece, each has their own voice, and it's clear who is talking at all times.
There is a level of uncertainty who the protagonist and antagonist is in the first half of the piece, but that isn't a criticism.
I like a lot of the descriptions you've given, and most of what you've written adds to the story.
This was a good write, but it needs some work.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 24-May-2012
reply by the author on 24-May-2012
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Thank you for your time and suggestions.
Comment from Ghekko
Well, I was completely drawn in by the 3rd paragraph.
The only thing I noticed but it's probably spag or my British English 'He forced the bathroom door open with the boot tip', I would have written 'with his boot tip'.
Things I liked particularly were 'its dark hidey-hole', good phrase, and the idea of sitting on information, the report, great idea and just the sort of thing you'd expect from a shrewd Sheriff.
Looking forward to part 2 now! Fabulous!
reply by the author on 24-May-2012
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Well, I was completely drawn in by the 3rd paragraph.
The only thing I noticed but it's probably spag or my British English 'He forced the bathroom door open with the boot tip', I would have written 'with his boot tip'.
Things I liked particularly were 'its dark hidey-hole', good phrase, and the idea of sitting on information, the report, great idea and just the sort of thing you'd expect from a shrewd Sheriff.
Looking forward to part 2 now! Fabulous!
Comment Written 24-May-2012
reply by the author on 24-May-2012
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Hi, Ghekko. Thank you for this wonderful review and your suggestion on that section in the chapter. Sometimes I get so paranoid about using he, him, her, etc. that I lose perspective of what might sound more realistic - so thanks for that. I appreciate your interest and support very much! Warm regards, Bev
Comment from Gungalo
Oh you've got me hooked again girl. SO, the one responsible for his firing was someone the police are shocked over. Perhaps there is more than meets the eye, eh?
reply by the author on 24-May-2012
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Oh you've got me hooked again girl. SO, the one responsible for his firing was someone the police are shocked over. Perhaps there is more than meets the eye, eh?
Comment Written 24-May-2012
reply by the author on 24-May-2012
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Hi, Gungalo. Gotta stop adding so many red herrings - beginning to stink up the place LOL. I really appreciate your awesome review and continued interest in my story. Warm regards, Bev
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Ohhhh you're just plain good.
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:0) XXx
Comment from Cumbrianlass
Bravo, Bev. You just keep on knocking them out of the park. You're setting the scenes with such skill. You're suitably harsh when describing Chet's thoughts. Brilliant writing. The little details - opening the door with the boot-tip for example, and the rectangle of light oozing through the blinds - all so well done. Holy crap, I'm so excited by this creation of yours. It's the best thing you've written, IMHO, and I'm so thrilled for you.
You're setting up ingrigue, mystery, suspense with the skill of a pro.
The dialogue is totally realistic as well.
Father Brian still steering? So impressed, my friend.
Can't wait for the next.
You rock.
Love ya,
Av
xx
reply by the author on 24-May-2012
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Bravo, Bev. You just keep on knocking them out of the park. You're setting the scenes with such skill. You're suitably harsh when describing Chet's thoughts. Brilliant writing. The little details - opening the door with the boot-tip for example, and the rectangle of light oozing through the blinds - all so well done. Holy crap, I'm so excited by this creation of yours. It's the best thing you've written, IMHO, and I'm so thrilled for you.
You're setting up ingrigue, mystery, suspense with the skill of a pro.
The dialogue is totally realistic as well.
Father Brian still steering? So impressed, my friend.
Can't wait for the next.
You rock.
Love ya,
Av
xx
Comment Written 24-May-2012
reply by the author on 24-May-2012
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Aw, you rock, too, Av! Thank you for this awesome review. You make me so happy that I stuck with this danged chapter. It had me in a twist for the longest time. Your words of support and encouragement are priceless and the extra star puts me over the moon. Love ya, Bev