Comment from tfawcus

Excellent

Strong visual images in this haibun, beautifully summarised in the verse, and the autumn leaves add a nice touch. Your close observation of all the little reminders is what makes this so real. A strong entry, I think!

 Comment Written 23-Aug-2014

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reply by the author on 24-Aug-2014

Thanks so much.

Comment from maggieadams

Excellent

You have used image- filled words describing the end of a relationship. Brevity but packed with emotion. Poetic and evocative...blazing autumn leaves, crimson passion exhausted, yesterday is dead...(brilliant imagery). Good luck in the contest.

 Comment Written 22-Aug-2014

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reply by the author on 24-Aug-2014

Thaks so much.

Comment from judiverse

Excellent

This is really excellent. You get across the feelings of the abandoned woman so well. The memories amount to decades. numerous anniversaries and many regrets. The rusted razor, cologne, and deodorant are excellent details. The husband's smirk and scornful words sum him up nicely. He probably has a much-younger sweetie waiting in the wings. I didn't notice that a Haiku was required, but it's an excellent touch. The season of autumn does contribute to the sense of lost hope and sadness. judi

 Comment Written 22-Aug-2014

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reply by the author on 24-Aug-2014

When you've felt it, it stays with a writer forever, popping up in the strangest places.

Comment from 4hisglory

Excellent

I don't understand how two people can live together for such a long time and then part. Seems love should grow deeper through the years.

Well written story, you can just feel the emptiness and pain. The only thing that doesn't seem to fit is the rusty razor and dried-up deodorant. The rest of the story gives the impression it happened just recently, because of the many years together, doesn't seem like the separation could have been that long ago. Just an opinion though.

Blessings in the contest. LaVonne

 Comment Written 21-Aug-2014

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reply by the author on 21-Aug-2014

The intention of the rusted razor and dried up deodorant was the reluctance of the woman to throw out articles of intimacy. Nothing personal remained and leaving those items was easier than to throw them out and admit the erasure of a person of long standing.

If you don't understand how people can separate after thirty of forty years of marriage, you're lucky. Some suffer a horrific amputation from everything they believed in.

reply by 4hisglory on 21-Aug-2014

Yes, I have friends who have been hurt badly from separations. I think maybe love grew deeply for one and not the other. I really feel for those in such pain. So thankful God has blessed my marriage.

Didn't mean to offend or anything. Blessings, LaVonne

reply by the author on 21-Aug-2014

You didn't offend me. Sleep well.

Comment from Sasha

Excellent

The Haibun is my favorite. I just love the crisp, clipped prose and your haiku is superb. You did a superb job in nailing the emotions of an unwanted breakup. Terrific entry for this contest and I sincerely wish you all the best. I am out of 6s so I can only give you a 5 for this...despite deserving of a 6.

 Comment Written 21-Aug-2014

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reply by the author on 21-Aug-2014

Thanks, it's getting to be my favourite as well. Great self-editing discipline.

Comment from michaelcahill

Exceptional

Wow. This is amazing. I love this form that you introduced me to. You shine when using it. I can feel it all as you certainly bleed onto the page. A wonderful haiku that completely stands on its own merits. They seldom do in haibuns. Was thinking of this prompt. At the moment much more afraid than challenged! Hahaha. Awesome work. michael

 Comment Written 21-Aug-2014

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reply by the author on 21-Aug-2014

It's a relatively new genre--at least to me. What I like about it, is the staccato sentence structure that forces self-editing, eliminating all repetitions--making each word count. But, as I recall, you won in this genre with the contest Shelly sponsored with a very strong entry.

Inevitably poetry always trumps prose. You have nothing to fear.

Thanks for the bouquet of stellar twinklers.

Comment from boxergirl

Excellent

Already Gone. Boy, do I have that tune in my head now. Nice story that fits your title. We've all felt the pain and emptiness of a house when you are left all alone.

 Comment Written 21-Aug-2014

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reply by the author on 21-Aug-2014

Haven't we, though? Thanks.

Comment from brightside1099

Excellent

I watched a documentary on the Eagles not too long ago and during the band interview, they compared their singing career to a marriage. There was the petty bickering, then it went stale, and they broke up.

I thought it was very astute of you to use the very same analogy for this writing prompt. Your words conveyed the gut-wrenching, to-the-bone pain one suffers when a spouse walks away without offering a chance to mend the problems.

You told this story well with a minimum of words. Great job.

BB

 Comment Written 21-Aug-2014

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reply by the author on 21-Aug-2014

Thanks, especially for the feedback and although I knew the Eagles split up, and though I'd love to take credit for that analogy, it was just their lyrics that inspired me.

Comment from Spitfire

Excellent

How beautifully you capture the emotions of anger and grief and many more. Clipped sentences heighten the anxiety and pain.
Accusations, falling like freezing rain, turned to ice.

Similes like this make your writing superb.

 Comment Written 21-Aug-2014

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reply by the author on 21-Aug-2014

Thanks. Haibun is one of my favourite challenges.

Comment from nancy_e_davis

Excellent

My husband loved the eagles, I believe he liked "Take it To The Limit" The most. You did a great job with this one Ingrid.
I don't know much about the Hiabun but I think the poem was a very good one for the essay. Good luck in the contest. Nancy

 Comment Written 21-Aug-2014

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reply by the author on 21-Aug-2014

Thanks very much. Hearing that my haiku worked from someone of your poetic calibre is humbling.