The Trining
Viewing comments for Chapter 12 "THE TWO FACES OF KOJUTAKE"A man must discover his identity and destiny.
18 total reviews
Comment from A Matter Of Words
I love the description of the afterlife! I can't wait until someone tells what I am actually gifted at, instead of all of this trail and error stuff!! An excellent chapter. The formality of the dialogue fits the era (?) of the characters. Great imagination.
reply by the author on 20-May-2014
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I love the description of the afterlife! I can't wait until someone tells what I am actually gifted at, instead of all of this trail and error stuff!! An excellent chapter. The formality of the dialogue fits the era (?) of the characters. Great imagination.
Comment Written 20-May-2014
reply by the author on 20-May-2014
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Hahaha. Yeah,trial and error can be a bitch!
Comment from krprice
I went on. . .
With this he. . . spacing though it might be FS format problem.
He reached over. . . arm, and. . .
In some places you capitalize the B in brother. It should be a small b.
Check through to make sure you have commas in the right places in a series.
Try to avoid using saw, felt, heard, and smelled.
Klasco withdrew. . . What did the coins look like?
Good chapter.
Karlene
reply by the author on 20-May-2014
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I went on. . .
With this he. . . spacing though it might be FS format problem.
He reached over. . . arm, and. . .
In some places you capitalize the B in brother. It should be a small b.
Check through to make sure you have commas in the right places in a series.
Try to avoid using saw, felt, heard, and smelled.
Klasco withdrew. . . What did the coins look like?
Good chapter.
Karlene
Comment Written 20-May-2014
reply by the author on 20-May-2014
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Thanks, as usual, Karlene.
Comment from Tina McKala
hmm, this is interesting. so kojutake is so different to axtilla and to klasco. i love the way you connect myths with reality - what is real from one pov is a fairy tale from the other. very intriguing! :) and the troublemakers at the end promise a lot of conflict for the next chapter(s)
your's and Axtilla's Kojutake are not the same place." // yours (without the apostrophe)
bumping Klasco's arm. Klasco spun around. // He spun around (to avoid teh repetition of his name)
reply by the author on 20-May-2014
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hmm, this is interesting. so kojutake is so different to axtilla and to klasco. i love the way you connect myths with reality - what is real from one pov is a fairy tale from the other. very intriguing! :) and the troublemakers at the end promise a lot of conflict for the next chapter(s)
your's and Axtilla's Kojutake are not the same place." // yours (without the apostrophe)
bumping Klasco's arm. Klasco spun around. // He spun around (to avoid teh repetition of his name)
Comment Written 20-May-2014
reply by the author on 20-May-2014
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Thank you for the yours vs. your's. It's possessive and so I naturally thought apostrophe. But, of COURSE, you are entirely right. And, absolutely. The second Klasco will be a "he".
Comment from dreamin'
I see trouble brewing at the Thorns and Goblets! Awesome name for the Inn. I'm totally invested in this story, Jay.
Debbie
Some edit suggestions.
It was good to see the spear story again. I laughed, remembering the first time I read it,
Then I described how I crouched beside the spot where she had dropped to her knees and was bent over laughing so hard she could scarcely breathe, and I joined in with her.
Suggested rewrite: Then I described how I knelt beside her and joined her in laughter.
I told him I was; and, then I resumed filling him in on this history I had a deep urging not just to tell him, but have him understand, accept and embrace.
Suggested rewrite: I told him I was, and resumed filling him in on my history; I not only needed to tell it, I needed him to understand and accept it.
"We were on the path that began at the opening to the cave and wrapped around the mountain. We'd begun a mission to do something or other, I don't know what, but the important thing was there was a--a togetherness that didn't exist before." I stopped my narrative again, but feeling myself slipping back into an easier place in my private thoughts, I forced myself to go on. "We hadn't walked far when Axtilla let out a whelp and grabbed her ankle. She had been bitten by something from a bush beside the path and, losing her balance in her pain, she tumbled down the hill, with me scrambling close behind. The ground leveled out a spell before it continued its descent. Happily a log lay across the small plateau and our now rolling bodies were stopped by it. She was unconscious. "
Suggested rewrite since the reader already knows all of this: I related how something in the brush bit Axtilla on her ankle. She fell and tumbled down a hill. In my efforts to help, I rolled after her, until we were forcibly, but gratefully stopped by a downed log on a small plateau.
I stopped my narrative again, feeling myself slipping back into my private thoughts. I looked over at Klasco and noticed he was caught up in the drama of my narrative, much the way he was enrapt by my fictional account of the Pomnot encounter over the family's kitchen table.
I continued on with how I lanced the snake bite by slicing an X across it, sucked out the poison, and then how guilty I felt for not knowing proper first aid. When I explained I had to interrupt caring for her to scavenge for firewood, because it would soon be dark, Klasco give me a sidelong glance.
"Yeah, I think you're right; it's about a hundred years old." He smiled -- I must have missed something along the way. I thought Doctrex only did the conversion from D's to years in his head. Now Klasco is using the term "years." Just curious where I missed it.
reply by the author on 19-May-2014
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I see trouble brewing at the Thorns and Goblets! Awesome name for the Inn. I'm totally invested in this story, Jay.
Debbie
Some edit suggestions.
It was good to see the spear story again. I laughed, remembering the first time I read it,
Then I described how I crouched beside the spot where she had dropped to her knees and was bent over laughing so hard she could scarcely breathe, and I joined in with her.
Suggested rewrite: Then I described how I knelt beside her and joined her in laughter.
I told him I was; and, then I resumed filling him in on this history I had a deep urging not just to tell him, but have him understand, accept and embrace.
Suggested rewrite: I told him I was, and resumed filling him in on my history; I not only needed to tell it, I needed him to understand and accept it.
"We were on the path that began at the opening to the cave and wrapped around the mountain. We'd begun a mission to do something or other, I don't know what, but the important thing was there was a--a togetherness that didn't exist before." I stopped my narrative again, but feeling myself slipping back into an easier place in my private thoughts, I forced myself to go on. "We hadn't walked far when Axtilla let out a whelp and grabbed her ankle. She had been bitten by something from a bush beside the path and, losing her balance in her pain, she tumbled down the hill, with me scrambling close behind. The ground leveled out a spell before it continued its descent. Happily a log lay across the small plateau and our now rolling bodies were stopped by it. She was unconscious. "
Suggested rewrite since the reader already knows all of this: I related how something in the brush bit Axtilla on her ankle. She fell and tumbled down a hill. In my efforts to help, I rolled after her, until we were forcibly, but gratefully stopped by a downed log on a small plateau.
I stopped my narrative again, feeling myself slipping back into my private thoughts. I looked over at Klasco and noticed he was caught up in the drama of my narrative, much the way he was enrapt by my fictional account of the Pomnot encounter over the family's kitchen table.
I continued on with how I lanced the snake bite by slicing an X across it, sucked out the poison, and then how guilty I felt for not knowing proper first aid. When I explained I had to interrupt caring for her to scavenge for firewood, because it would soon be dark, Klasco give me a sidelong glance.
"Yeah, I think you're right; it's about a hundred years old." He smiled -- I must have missed something along the way. I thought Doctrex only did the conversion from D's to years in his head. Now Klasco is using the term "years." Just curious where I missed it.
Comment Written 19-May-2014
reply by the author on 19-May-2014
Suggested rewrite: Then I described how I knelt beside her and joined her in laughter. [Thank you. You don't know how much trouble I had with that part.]
All the other stuff is good! Really good! As with every chapter, I'll wait until I'm ready to edit a block of chapters before I make any substantive changes. I make the grammatical corrections right away. But, you are a gem, Debbie. You are so very helpful.
About the D's in your last comment. I'm not sure I'll even leave that part in. You didn't miss anything. I didn't really think it through.
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You're welcome. :)
Regarding the D's comment. I think you should at least think about it a bit before tossing. I instantly wondered if Klasco wasn't all he seems to be. I also wondered why Doc didn't pick up on it. It was like a role reversal for a second. It left me intrigued of where this might be going. But mostly it just left me wondering if I had indeed missed an earlier exchange.
The fact that Klasco smiled after commenting it would be 100 years old is what really got to me.
I don't know if your entire story line is all worked out with no room for curves, but a couple of twists along the way can't be a bad thing, right? :)
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A trilogy of 87 chapters is written. Some wiggle-room. I have all sorts of conspiracy weavers of my readers, having Doctrex and Klasco going off in all directions. I wish I had that much imagination. Everything's pretty straight-forward given the circumstances that each one finds himself in and has to work through. I think you'll like the next chapter.
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Wow! You are an ambitious fellow! It must drive you crazy at times to have to politely decline all of our vastly different (I would imagine) ideas and suggestions.
I love this process, and I thank you for letting me a part of it.
Eighty seven chapters, huh? Jay, I think you have just answered my "what to read this summer" question.
Thanks!
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Believe me, I appreciate all ideas and suggestions. That's why I'm here. And, I'm so glad you are a part of it. The last 12 of the 84 chapters are lost with my computer crash. They weren't properly backed up. But I think there was some divine intervention going on there. Those were my weakest chapters. My absolute strongest chapter (I believe 54)--I would have been absolutely sick if I lost. It should post within 3 years. Thanks for being you, Debbie.
Comment from kath402
Well, that was really good and I this was the first time I read your work. I read a lot of Sci Fi- but I can understand how those who don't maybe would have a hard time understanding. I was a good scene with lots of great character interaction. I would have liked a little more desciption of the cave. When it came to the Inn I had a better idea of where they were. I also liked the flash backs, it gave a depth to your characters. Very interested to read more!
reply by the author on 19-May-2014
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Well, that was really good and I this was the first time I read your work. I read a lot of Sci Fi- but I can understand how those who don't maybe would have a hard time understanding. I was a good scene with lots of great character interaction. I would have liked a little more desciption of the cave. When it came to the Inn I had a better idea of where they were. I also liked the flash backs, it gave a depth to your characters. Very interested to read more!
Comment Written 19-May-2014
reply by the author on 19-May-2014
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Thank you Kath. Glad you could stop by. Yeah, I could only touch on the cave portion. People who'd been here from the beginning complain when I flash back about the first few chapters. I'm sure tickled that you want to read more. Thanks!
Comment from dejohnsrld (Debbie)
where you have used plane (aircraft) did you mean plain as in land?
Again, I do appreciate the glossary and cast of characters. I hope the length hasn't deterred other readers. Well written and interesting.
Take care, my friend~Debbie
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 19-May-2014
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where you have used plane (aircraft) did you mean plain as in land?
Again, I do appreciate the glossary and cast of characters. I hope the length hasn't deterred other readers. Well written and interesting.
Take care, my friend~Debbie
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 19-May-2014
reply by the author on 19-May-2014
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No, Debbie plane as in flat surface. As far as the length goes, do you see why I cut 12 into two parts? I hate doing that with a passion. So glad you are back reading this, Debbie.
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I wasn't sure. Plain?plane. can be used in so many ways. I live in the 'great plains' so that is what came to mind. I enjoy your writing, have just had a lot going on. Yes, I will read longer works if they are good, but do know many others won't. Have a good evening, my friend~Debbie
Comment from Ritsal
I enjoyed this retelling of the story as it refreshed my memory of some details. It's very well written as you have a real knack for the narrative. The only inconsistency you may want to edit is where Klasco calls him brother. Sometimes it's capitalized Brother and other times not. I would have copied the passages but I'm on my not-very-smart BlackBerry and don't have that capability.
Best wishes.
Rita
reply by the author on 19-May-2014
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I enjoyed this retelling of the story as it refreshed my memory of some details. It's very well written as you have a real knack for the narrative. The only inconsistency you may want to edit is where Klasco calls him brother. Sometimes it's capitalized Brother and other times not. I would have copied the passages but I'm on my not-very-smart BlackBerry and don't have that capability.
Best wishes.
Rita
Comment Written 19-May-2014
reply by the author on 19-May-2014
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First of all, THANKS for the 6-er! Much appreciated. Yes, I want all of them capitalized. I'll have to go back the old fashioned way and re-read it for small vs. large B. I am SOOOO happy to have you on board. Next chapter the action begins.
Comment from Leonardo Wild
Hi Jay,
Stories moves on and we learn more about the world, the discrepancies between reality and myth. Interesting part about the weight after dying that makes some stay.
Some suggestions:
--I continued with my narrative, studying his face for changes in expression, especially at the more incredulous parts.
This makes it sound that he's looking at the more incredulous parts of his face. Also, "incredulous" is a person, "incredible parts" is what you're probably meaning to say.
>>I continued with my narrative. I studied his face for changes in expression, which happened at the more incredible parts. <<
Still, you may wish to use: unbelievable parts, or extraordinary parts.
--This came soon enough when I described my being wedged in the opening of the cave wall, her disbelief that I could not dislodge myself, and then the ease with which she made the opening wider with a strange movement of her hands between my back and the wall of the cave.
>>This came soon enough when I described my being wedged in the opening of the cave wall, her disbelief that I could not dislodge myself, and then the ease with which she made the opening wider.<<
You don't need to tell the whole story again. Just enough.
--"After I was able to slide the rest of the way through and outside the cave, and she followed me,
>>"After I was able to slide the rest of the way through and outside of the cave, and she followed me, <<
--"Yes," I said, "yes, like that!" I pointed at him, grinning. That's just how she did it, too."
>?>"Yes," I said, "yes, like that!" I pointed at him, grinning. "That's just how she did it, too."<<
--Those words said, I found myself staring at the carriage floor, waiting until I could speak again.
>>I found myself staring at the carriage floor, waiting until I could speak again. <<
--
"You were somewhere else."
"Oh, yes, I suppose I was."
"You were with her."
"Yes."
"You're okay, Brother?"
>>
"You were somewhere else."
"Yes."
"You were with her."
"Yes."
"You're okay, Brother?"<<
--I told him I was; and, then I resumed filling him in on this history I had a deep urging not just to tell him, but have him understand, accept and embrace.
>>I told him I was; and, then I resumed filling him in. I had a deep urging not just to tell him, but have him understand, have him embrace it.<<
--She was unconscious. "
>>She was unconscious. "
Still, this whole paragraph is something that we readers have already read and experienced through out reading. You may consider shortening it, not in dialogue form. Just to give us the gist of him telling the entire story, sprinkling in only the parts that are more relevant to what you want to say.
--For a while. It's the Prevaluate. You know."
>>"For a while. It's the Prevaluate. You know."<<
--"Just get on with it," he said steadily, measuredly, and firmly, while not taking his eyes away from the road.
Too many adjectives in a row. Try to trim them down. Or out altogether.
>>"Just get on with it," he said while not taking his eyes away from the road.<<
--her place, brother, but I need some
Brother vs brother ... caps or not.
--The wagon pulled up even with the trees and I got a good view of the inn.
For some reason I hadn't realized they were moving. The description was probably in an earlier part, but it suddenly struck me that you may need to add more to your description. Sounds, movements, how the surroundings change even if only slightly as they move along. Drop this in here and there to make us feel we are there.
--To the side of the Inn,
-- good view of the inn.
Inn vs inn ... to cap or not to cap.
--"Oh, no," the lad grinned, "We'll settle when you come out."
>>"Oh, no," the lad grinned, "we'll settle when you come out."<<
Good ending, to let us know something is afoot.
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 19-May-2014
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Hi Jay,
Stories moves on and we learn more about the world, the discrepancies between reality and myth. Interesting part about the weight after dying that makes some stay.
Some suggestions:
--I continued with my narrative, studying his face for changes in expression, especially at the more incredulous parts.
This makes it sound that he's looking at the more incredulous parts of his face. Also, "incredulous" is a person, "incredible parts" is what you're probably meaning to say.
>>I continued with my narrative. I studied his face for changes in expression, which happened at the more incredible parts. <<
Still, you may wish to use: unbelievable parts, or extraordinary parts.
--This came soon enough when I described my being wedged in the opening of the cave wall, her disbelief that I could not dislodge myself, and then the ease with which she made the opening wider with a strange movement of her hands between my back and the wall of the cave.
>>This came soon enough when I described my being wedged in the opening of the cave wall, her disbelief that I could not dislodge myself, and then the ease with which she made the opening wider.<<
You don't need to tell the whole story again. Just enough.
--"After I was able to slide the rest of the way through and outside the cave, and she followed me,
>>"After I was able to slide the rest of the way through and outside of the cave, and she followed me, <<
--"Yes," I said, "yes, like that!" I pointed at him, grinning. That's just how she did it, too."
>?>"Yes," I said, "yes, like that!" I pointed at him, grinning. "That's just how she did it, too."<<
--Those words said, I found myself staring at the carriage floor, waiting until I could speak again.
>>I found myself staring at the carriage floor, waiting until I could speak again. <<
--
"You were somewhere else."
"Oh, yes, I suppose I was."
"You were with her."
"Yes."
"You're okay, Brother?"
>>
"You were somewhere else."
"Yes."
"You were with her."
"Yes."
"You're okay, Brother?"<<
--I told him I was; and, then I resumed filling him in on this history I had a deep urging not just to tell him, but have him understand, accept and embrace.
>>I told him I was; and, then I resumed filling him in. I had a deep urging not just to tell him, but have him understand, have him embrace it.<<
--She was unconscious. "
>>She was unconscious. "
Still, this whole paragraph is something that we readers have already read and experienced through out reading. You may consider shortening it, not in dialogue form. Just to give us the gist of him telling the entire story, sprinkling in only the parts that are more relevant to what you want to say.
--For a while. It's the Prevaluate. You know."
>>"For a while. It's the Prevaluate. You know."<<
--"Just get on with it," he said steadily, measuredly, and firmly, while not taking his eyes away from the road.
Too many adjectives in a row. Try to trim them down. Or out altogether.
>>"Just get on with it," he said while not taking his eyes away from the road.<<
--her place, brother, but I need some
Brother vs brother ... caps or not.
--The wagon pulled up even with the trees and I got a good view of the inn.
For some reason I hadn't realized they were moving. The description was probably in an earlier part, but it suddenly struck me that you may need to add more to your description. Sounds, movements, how the surroundings change even if only slightly as they move along. Drop this in here and there to make us feel we are there.
--To the side of the Inn,
-- good view of the inn.
Inn vs inn ... to cap or not to cap.
--"Oh, no," the lad grinned, "We'll settle when you come out."
>>"Oh, no," the lad grinned, "we'll settle when you come out."<<
Good ending, to let us know something is afoot.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 19-May-2014
reply by the author on 19-May-2014
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Thank you Leo, for your usual down close and personal look at my chapter. As usual, I'll be scanning for spag, slipped punctuation, spelling, capitalization and the like, for change today, then save the meatier considerations for later. You are invaluable, Leo. I can't thank you enough.
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Yer welcome Jay, anything I can do to help.