The Trining
Viewing comments for Chapter 9 "DOCTREX SPINS A YARN"A man must discover his identity and destiny.
25 total reviews
Comment from Tina McKala
sorry, it took me long to come to this, these days i'm kind of lost somewhere between writing, reviewing and real life lol failing everything due to lack of time lol
very good chapter, but mainly its ending - klea is fullnof surprises and she seems very inteligent, reading between the lines and i wonder what her last remark means.
also i loved the revelation about pomnots - how come they don't know they are real? or are they real? or did doctrex created his own world while he's unconscious or something like that? a lot of theories and this story can go each and any direction. i love it!
the suggestions below: i do love this story, and i hope you are going to publish this, the suggestions are just my small observations, use or ignore, the writing is already strong.
suggestions:
"Doctrex," Klea began, "Are you from the Southern Province?" // you can write only "she" said - you talked about klea in the previous sentence
Metra turned and chuckled and Klea's eyes fell on her. // consider connecting the two actions, not just have them separated like they are now. e.g. as metra... klea's eyes fell on her (poor example). but maybe it would be even better to show klea's emotion - what did her body language said? i guess, regarding doctrex's reaction, that she was upset, maybe she frowned? rolled her eyes? (and in a connection to the previous note - here you have a third sentence in a row and third time klea's name being mentioned)
What an interesting phrase," said Marta, // metra
all but Klea enjoying a second helping. Klea continued her surveillance. // repetition of her name
I told him I was not a smoker, but I would love to join him. // this might be just me, but when the thing is easy to be said in a direct speech, it should be in a direct speech. if you don't want hi speaking, drop "i told him." the sentence would mean the same, but might be less distracting (you have something written like this before, i let it be, but now, when it repeats, i have to spoint out, though as i said, this might be just me)
Klasco said, the front legs of his chair clicking back against the floor. // above this you said that klea stopped them when they were leaving - so they weren't leaving, but still sitting at the table?
Metra[,] asked, laying a protective arm across Sarisa's shoulders. // no comma
"I don't know, Sarisa, I've never seen one."
Klasco smiled at Sarisa. "I think, little sister, // 1 repetition of her name, 2 little sister? isn't he her father?
Metra and Sarisa turned to the dishes // this seems a bit abrupt to me. maybe let the girl grimace, plead forma while, whine she wanted another story or something like that, or her mother can pat her on a shoulder etc. now they seemed like robots - the father ordered, the mother and daughter without a word turned and fullfiled his wish. make them more human, even if they obey him and don't protest, this was too much.
I was delighted by your story, Doctrex," she told me. And, in a subdued voice she added, // no need for themfirst speech tag ("she told me") - we see it
a last suggestion - when you say "he/she said/told" consider showing us also emotion of the words - by giving us their body language or with another way of describing/stating the emotions. i was lacking this a little in this chapter
looking forward to the next segment!
ps: thank you for your vote! sorry, i can't reply via the message system, so i couldn't let you know sooner how honored i am :-)
reply by the author on 05-May-2014
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sorry, it took me long to come to this, these days i'm kind of lost somewhere between writing, reviewing and real life lol failing everything due to lack of time lol
very good chapter, but mainly its ending - klea is fullnof surprises and she seems very inteligent, reading between the lines and i wonder what her last remark means.
also i loved the revelation about pomnots - how come they don't know they are real? or are they real? or did doctrex created his own world while he's unconscious or something like that? a lot of theories and this story can go each and any direction. i love it!
the suggestions below: i do love this story, and i hope you are going to publish this, the suggestions are just my small observations, use or ignore, the writing is already strong.
suggestions:
"Doctrex," Klea began, "Are you from the Southern Province?" // you can write only "she" said - you talked about klea in the previous sentence
Metra turned and chuckled and Klea's eyes fell on her. // consider connecting the two actions, not just have them separated like they are now. e.g. as metra... klea's eyes fell on her (poor example). but maybe it would be even better to show klea's emotion - what did her body language said? i guess, regarding doctrex's reaction, that she was upset, maybe she frowned? rolled her eyes? (and in a connection to the previous note - here you have a third sentence in a row and third time klea's name being mentioned)
What an interesting phrase," said Marta, // metra
all but Klea enjoying a second helping. Klea continued her surveillance. // repetition of her name
I told him I was not a smoker, but I would love to join him. // this might be just me, but when the thing is easy to be said in a direct speech, it should be in a direct speech. if you don't want hi speaking, drop "i told him." the sentence would mean the same, but might be less distracting (you have something written like this before, i let it be, but now, when it repeats, i have to spoint out, though as i said, this might be just me)
Klasco said, the front legs of his chair clicking back against the floor. // above this you said that klea stopped them when they were leaving - so they weren't leaving, but still sitting at the table?
Metra[,] asked, laying a protective arm across Sarisa's shoulders. // no comma
"I don't know, Sarisa, I've never seen one."
Klasco smiled at Sarisa. "I think, little sister, // 1 repetition of her name, 2 little sister? isn't he her father?
Metra and Sarisa turned to the dishes // this seems a bit abrupt to me. maybe let the girl grimace, plead forma while, whine she wanted another story or something like that, or her mother can pat her on a shoulder etc. now they seemed like robots - the father ordered, the mother and daughter without a word turned and fullfiled his wish. make them more human, even if they obey him and don't protest, this was too much.
I was delighted by your story, Doctrex," she told me. And, in a subdued voice she added, // no need for themfirst speech tag ("she told me") - we see it
a last suggestion - when you say "he/she said/told" consider showing us also emotion of the words - by giving us their body language or with another way of describing/stating the emotions. i was lacking this a little in this chapter
looking forward to the next segment!
ps: thank you for your vote! sorry, i can't reply via the message system, so i couldn't let you know sooner how honored i am :-)
Comment Written 05-May-2014
reply by the author on 05-May-2014
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Oh, bless you, Tina for all your sterling help! I appreciate it so much. Somehow, I changed Metra's name to Marta. Someone pointed it out to me early on and I found I'd done it fifteen times. I thought I caught them all, and now you found at least one more. Wow! Thanks, Tina. I'm gonna correct that one and, as usual, copy the rest into my folder to check out after the post drops.
Comment from Loren (7)
I like your use of 1st person as it tends to draw the reader into the events and limits them (in a good way) as to what might be coming. This, in turn, creates a page turner.
reply by the author on 05-May-2014
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I like your use of 1st person as it tends to draw the reader into the events and limits them (in a good way) as to what might be coming. This, in turn, creates a page turner.
Comment Written 05-May-2014
reply by the author on 05-May-2014
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Thank you, Loren! I knew there was a reason why I liked the 1st person. You've explained it so articulately. Ha! Thanks!
Comment from krprice
Metra turned and chuckled, and Klea's gaze. . .
The way it's written it sounds like they literally fell on her.
"What an interesting phrase," said Marta.
Who is Marta or is that a misspelling of Metra?
"Well, yes. . . Everyone's gaze. . .
At that. . . Klasco filled.. . Marta should be Metra or is that someone else?
Good chapter.
Karlene
reply by the author on 05-May-2014
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Metra turned and chuckled, and Klea's gaze. . .
The way it's written it sounds like they literally fell on her.
"What an interesting phrase," said Marta.
Who is Marta or is that a misspelling of Metra?
"Well, yes. . . Everyone's gaze. . .
At that. . . Klasco filled.. . Marta should be Metra or is that someone else?
Good chapter.
Karlene
Comment Written 05-May-2014
reply by the author on 05-May-2014
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Hi Karlene. Back to work ... and thanks for pointing it out to me. Someone pointed out to me I first changed Metra to Marta on the 5th sentence (I thought it was you!) I must have changed 15 of them. And, now I'm finding I missed a few more? OMG. But, thanks, Karlene. And another thing: I think I might have done the same thing with Sarisa (changing it to Sarrisa! Go figure.
Comment from smudge
It is difficult to create a character without a past or memory as it is an empty page. Engaging the reader with the character is the primary objective even in sci-fi.
reply by the author on 05-May-2014
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It is difficult to create a character without a past or memory as it is an empty page. Engaging the reader with the character is the primary objective even in sci-fi.
Comment Written 05-May-2014
reply by the author on 05-May-2014
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I'm glad you stopped by, smudge! Thank you so much for reading and enjoying this chapter. OMG! I just saw you gave me a 6! Thank you!
Comment from GWHARGIS
I loved the way you make Klea seem like such a spider. She watches all around her and it is as if everyone is dancing to her tune. The ending with its ominous undertone gave me chills and wanting much more. One spag; You wrote Marta, instead of Metra. Other than that it was a lively and entertaining chapter.
reply by the author on 05-May-2014
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I loved the way you make Klea seem like such a spider. She watches all around her and it is as if everyone is dancing to her tune. The ending with its ominous undertone gave me chills and wanting much more. One spag; You wrote Marta, instead of Metra. Other than that it was a lively and entertaining chapter.
Comment Written 05-May-2014
reply by the author on 05-May-2014
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I am so embarrassed about the Marta thing. I thought I had already corrected about 15 of them. I'll go back. Also, I slipped up a couple of times making Sarisa into Sarrisa. Bless you for the 6-er!!!!
Comment from Liandra
This is a powerful chapter that's set in a very homely, warm place. Your description is awesome. I didn't expect Klea to turn on him, now I'm wondering who is she really?
I'm also wondering is this family also who they say they are!
Thanks for sharing,
:) Liandra
reply by the author on 05-May-2014
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This is a powerful chapter that's set in a very homely, warm place. Your description is awesome. I didn't expect Klea to turn on him, now I'm wondering who is she really?
I'm also wondering is this family also who they say they are!
Thanks for sharing,
:) Liandra
Comment Written 04-May-2014
reply by the author on 05-May-2014
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Thanks for reading, Liandra & many, many thank-yous for the blazing 6-er! And, yesl, it looks like there are a lot of questions to be answered.
Comment from JavaJunkie
This feels awkward: so I figured I concealed my amazement
Like Klea, I too look forward to hearing more about the adventures and why she thinks he is a fraud. I though your story unfolded nicely at a steady pace. I like the dialogue and the interaction between the characters. There was lots of good scene development with your description of the room , the food and the characters. I thought you had good hooks in this chapter that makes the reader curious, especially regarding Doctrex and Klea.
Here are some edit/ suggestions....
Suggest replacing the first "for" with "to".
Is this a comma splice? : I glanced at Metra but she was heading for the cupboard for the glasses.
Good imagery: blowing a ripple across the liquid
This builds suspense : I saw that Klea was studying me.
I don't think this comma is needed: to laugh, as well.
- no end quotation at the very end
I love all the back story and all of the vocabulary and characters you have created for this very engaging and unique world.
reply by the author on 04-May-2014
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This feels awkward: so I figured I concealed my amazement
Like Klea, I too look forward to hearing more about the adventures and why she thinks he is a fraud. I though your story unfolded nicely at a steady pace. I like the dialogue and the interaction between the characters. There was lots of good scene development with your description of the room , the food and the characters. I thought you had good hooks in this chapter that makes the reader curious, especially regarding Doctrex and Klea.
Here are some edit/ suggestions....
Suggest replacing the first "for" with "to".
Is this a comma splice? : I glanced at Metra but she was heading for the cupboard for the glasses.
Good imagery: blowing a ripple across the liquid
This builds suspense : I saw that Klea was studying me.
I don't think this comma is needed: to laugh, as well.
- no end quotation at the very end
I love all the back story and all of the vocabulary and characters you have created for this very engaging and unique world.
Comment Written 04-May-2014
reply by the author on 04-May-2014
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Thank you for your very detailed review. I'm glad you enjoyed it and I hope you'll jump aboard.
Comment from Norbanus
It seems that Klea knows better than Doctrex what is happening. I wonder why she wants him to know that she's just waiting for a chance to blow the whistle. Nice job with the character exposure.
reply by the author on 04-May-2014
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It seems that Klea knows better than Doctrex what is happening. I wonder why she wants him to know that she's just waiting for a chance to blow the whistle. Nice job with the character exposure.
Comment Written 04-May-2014
reply by the author on 04-May-2014
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Yes, you caught the feeling I want the reader left with as the novel progresses. Thanks for validating it.
Comment from Chrisfiore
Hey Jay Squires,
So indeed, the plot thickens. Can Doctrex trust what he saw or believe what his new friends are telling him? Was his encounter with the Kojutake all in his head? Good addition to your chapter. I look forward to reading the next.
I shall be looking forward to hearing more about your adventures.(") ;) Chrisfiore
reply by the author on 04-May-2014
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Hey Jay Squires,
So indeed, the plot thickens. Can Doctrex trust what he saw or believe what his new friends are telling him? Was his encounter with the Kojutake all in his head? Good addition to your chapter. I look forward to reading the next.
I shall be looking forward to hearing more about your adventures.(") ;) Chrisfiore
Comment Written 04-May-2014
reply by the author on 04-May-2014
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Chris! As always, thank you so mcuh for your reading. Your comments are appreciated.
Comment from dreamin'
Metra or Marta? the switched in sentence 5. Thought you should know before you get too much farther along. :)
Klea is evil, I just know it! Hell, she's probably a Pomnot in disguise, and has taken this family prisoner.
Thanks for a great read, I'm glad the chapters are coming faster; it's so easy to just take up where the last left off.
That was quite a yarn Doctrex told.
Debbie
reply by the author on 04-May-2014
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Metra or Marta? the switched in sentence 5. Thought you should know before you get too much farther along. :)
Klea is evil, I just know it! Hell, she's probably a Pomnot in disguise, and has taken this family prisoner.
Thanks for a great read, I'm glad the chapters are coming faster; it's so easy to just take up where the last left off.
That was quite a yarn Doctrex told.
Debbie
Comment Written 04-May-2014
reply by the author on 04-May-2014
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Thank you so much, Debbie. Metra!!!! I'll change it right now. Did you notice less 'thats'? Thank you teacher! I think the student is starting to learn.
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Ha! I actually did notice, but not because I was looking for them. It was their absence that rang true when I got to the end. I literally went back through, scanning the document for them. Well done, sir. We are all learning our way around "that!"
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Yeah, when I read your initial review, I thought you meant I did it just once. Just to be sure, I checked on for the next mention. There it was! And then the next. I think only one other time did I use Metra. So I changed them all. Hopefully! Glad you caught it.
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You're welcome. :)