Along the Jericho Road
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "The Maiden Moon"Murder Mystery
77 total reviews
Comment from Joy Graham
Hi Bev! I'm back to read this story from the beginning. I sure hope you are going to post another chapter of the Paranormal gang for me soon!!! LOL I'm addicted. This story has my interest too. A murder mystery, a priest, Indian insights. All the makings of a good story. I am happy that I have the use of a laptop so I can read more comfortably. I'm tucked in to read more today :)
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2012
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Hi Bev! I'm back to read this story from the beginning. I sure hope you are going to post another chapter of the Paranormal gang for me soon!!! LOL I'm addicted. This story has my interest too. A murder mystery, a priest, Indian insights. All the makings of a good story. I am happy that I have the use of a laptop so I can read more comfortably. I'm tucked in to read more today :)
Comment Written 28-Sep-2012
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2012
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You've inspired me to return to that story, Joy. I just have to figure how to present an updated chapter after all this time. But, relief is coming, I promise LOL. Thanks so much, Joy.
Love ya,
Bev
Comment from OliveTapenade
I absolutely love your opening sentence. I have worked as a submissions editor before until I became very jaded with the whole reading experience; after a while, it was very difficult to read for fun. This is my favorite opening sentence of all time. It's intelligent, captivating, immediately suggests conflict, is very well-written (which tells me that it is worth continuing to read the story), and has a voice that I haven't heard before.
The story eases into his reflecting on his parents. And again there's more potential conflict. I loved the imagery of his mother in the picture being blurry and off to the side. It so makes me want to read more and find out what the story is with his family.
Wow, and then there is a problem with him not being able to find her. First she is blurry and now missing. Fantastic!
judgement - should be judgment
I really liked the introduction of the priest's Indian friend. This suggests a theme of nature's mystery, which coincides brilliantly with the priest's missing mother. I also really like it because when someone is missing, you do sort of feel like somehow the earth swallowed them up; you can't put a face on the source of their disappearance so it becomes sort of supernatural. Great!
I really enjoyed this first chapter and am excited that it's a first chapter. That means there is more to come.
You write with a lot of depth, intelligence, and control. This is exceptionally well-written. I am excited to read chapter 2.
I gave it 6 stars after the first sentence and it didn't disappoint at any place the whole way through.
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2012
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I absolutely love your opening sentence. I have worked as a submissions editor before until I became very jaded with the whole reading experience; after a while, it was very difficult to read for fun. This is my favorite opening sentence of all time. It's intelligent, captivating, immediately suggests conflict, is very well-written (which tells me that it is worth continuing to read the story), and has a voice that I haven't heard before.
The story eases into his reflecting on his parents. And again there's more potential conflict. I loved the imagery of his mother in the picture being blurry and off to the side. It so makes me want to read more and find out what the story is with his family.
Wow, and then there is a problem with him not being able to find her. First she is blurry and now missing. Fantastic!
judgement - should be judgment
I really liked the introduction of the priest's Indian friend. This suggests a theme of nature's mystery, which coincides brilliantly with the priest's missing mother. I also really like it because when someone is missing, you do sort of feel like somehow the earth swallowed them up; you can't put a face on the source of their disappearance so it becomes sort of supernatural. Great!
I really enjoyed this first chapter and am excited that it's a first chapter. That means there is more to come.
You write with a lot of depth, intelligence, and control. This is exceptionally well-written. I am excited to read chapter 2.
I gave it 6 stars after the first sentence and it didn't disappoint at any place the whole way through.
Comment Written 15-Jul-2012
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2012
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Thank you so very much, Olive. I'm really honored by your wonderfully generous words of support. Thank you, also, for letting me know what worked in the chapter. What a great help that is as well. I would love to work with you sometime on my succeeding chapters. Do you do editing work any longer?
Thank you again, Olive!
Warm regards, Bev
Comment from BrainJuggler
An excellent start. My two cents:
1 plot: a solid murder mystery with hooks and flair
2 characters: very good, each one has individuality, and I really feel them living on the page
3 suspense: I like the quirks, why is the killer interested in the church and Father Brian? Well done.
4 pacing: if this is intended to be a full blown novel then I would slow it down a touch, let each scene bloom a little more. If this is a novella or a short story then its fine.
5 atmosphere: this is where the issue for me lies. I don't "feel" the scenes. The descriptions are kind of flat. The meeting with Brian and Tony feels like a filler, I don't get the sense that they are bonding until the photograph comes out. Or when the police enter Debra's bedroom and find her posed. That should have been a spine-tingling, nerve-wringing, meeting Hanibal Lector kind of event, but instead it feels more like "here's the body." And I think the key is in the descriptions. Make the scenes speak. Don't just say what's in the room, make it convey feeling and emotion, use descriptions that enhance the mood. Think macabre: "Only one item was out of place: a crimson red wig carelessly tossed over her face, like the blood stain from a gunshot wound." Or melancholy: "The room was as still, empty, with the familiar sting of loneliness Father Brian often felt after mass was over and everyone had gone home." Or downright repulsive: "The communal host was taped over her mouth like a gag and her bulging eyes spoke of a torturous encounter leading to this twisted tableaux." ...ok maybe I got a little carried away there, but you get the idea.
reply by the author on 27-May-2012
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An excellent start. My two cents:
1 plot: a solid murder mystery with hooks and flair
2 characters: very good, each one has individuality, and I really feel them living on the page
3 suspense: I like the quirks, why is the killer interested in the church and Father Brian? Well done.
4 pacing: if this is intended to be a full blown novel then I would slow it down a touch, let each scene bloom a little more. If this is a novella or a short story then its fine.
5 atmosphere: this is where the issue for me lies. I don't "feel" the scenes. The descriptions are kind of flat. The meeting with Brian and Tony feels like a filler, I don't get the sense that they are bonding until the photograph comes out. Or when the police enter Debra's bedroom and find her posed. That should have been a spine-tingling, nerve-wringing, meeting Hanibal Lector kind of event, but instead it feels more like "here's the body." And I think the key is in the descriptions. Make the scenes speak. Don't just say what's in the room, make it convey feeling and emotion, use descriptions that enhance the mood. Think macabre: "Only one item was out of place: a crimson red wig carelessly tossed over her face, like the blood stain from a gunshot wound." Or melancholy: "The room was as still, empty, with the familiar sting of loneliness Father Brian often felt after mass was over and everyone had gone home." Or downright repulsive: "The communal host was taped over her mouth like a gag and her bulging eyes spoke of a torturous encounter leading to this twisted tableaux." ...ok maybe I got a little carried away there, but you get the idea.
Comment Written 27-May-2012
reply by the author on 27-May-2012
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I appreciate your review and will certainly look at your suggestions. This is not intended to be a Hanibal Lecter type of horror piece, but will consider your thoughts on the subject. Perhaps you should consider writing that kind of story - sounds like you a lot of good ideas for it. Kind regards.
Comment from Realist101
Hi Bev! I'm so sorry I've missed these chapters...I love the Native American theme in this. It's a good contrast to the priest...with his mother being an Indian. Intriguing. I see one word that I would take out? "thickness"...this jumped out at me as being too much. "layer to the day" is perfect? I will do my best to read and catch up! Nice work dear Bev. love! Susan
reply by the author on 26-May-2012
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Hi Bev! I'm so sorry I've missed these chapters...I love the Native American theme in this. It's a good contrast to the priest...with his mother being an Indian. Intriguing. I see one word that I would take out? "thickness"...this jumped out at me as being too much. "layer to the day" is perfect? I will do my best to read and catch up! Nice work dear Bev. love! Susan
Comment Written 26-May-2012
reply by the author on 26-May-2012
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Thank you so much for taking time to read my chapter, Susan. I appreciate your wonderful review and suggested change - will difinitely give that a second look. Hope you're enjoying your weekend. Love, Bev
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I'll read more asap Bev...so sorry...hugs! S.
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Susan, thank you for caring so much, but please don't worry about getting caught up. You're kind for even making the effort. Love you, Bev
Comment from Joan E.
Thanks for your glossaries and intriguing artwork selection. The imagery of your opening line grabs the reader's attention, and you hold it with your storytelling through to the dramatic ending. To be continued... -Joan
reply by the author on 20-Apr-2012
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Thanks for your glossaries and intriguing artwork selection. The imagery of your opening line grabs the reader's attention, and you hold it with your storytelling through to the dramatic ending. To be continued... -Joan
Comment Written 20-Apr-2012
reply by the author on 20-Apr-2012
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Thanks so much, Joan. I really appreciate your terrific review, and the support is very much appreciated! Warm regards, Bev
Comment from clarbare2
Hey there! Sorry I might be a little late but I'm new to the site and your chapter 4 popped up to review and I figured I would start from the beginning. Speaking of beginnings, love yours! Immediate introduction to the character his frailty. Nice approach. I use the term "bump" when something doesn't sit well with me for whatever reason, just so you know. :-)
First para: Really like the picture, thought "pain gel" was a cheap and quick choice of words, you can do better.
Second para: Again, great visual, excellent paint brush for my mind. Bumped on the arrangement of sentences. I initially thought your second sentence was describing the air-conditioner ;-)
Love your phrase "cataract of fear blinded him". Excellent!
Not sure if "clerical duties" is what you mean, I think it should be "liturgical duties" or "duties of the clergy". Clerical duties are done by clerks and secretaries.
I fully understand your term "Homillists" most average readers will not though. Homiletic principles are usually only taught in religious schools. It is a very astute use of the word, but I would at least play around with terms more common and see how they fit.
Ok, the end of your first break, I felt a little confused. You did an excellent job getting us in the moment of Father sitting in a chair clutching a family blanket and establishing initial conflict of "where is my mom", then you quickly introduce us to Tom and they are on their way to go fishing in, like, three sentences. That space may be a good place for increased word count around the Father's reflections on WHY his membership had dropped, when or how his Mother disappeared...etc.
Second scene:
Sentence, "Beats the heck out of me. Mother Earth's signals grow increasingly mysterious to me. I just go about my day and appreciate the warmth of Brother Sun whenever he chooses to appear." Really bumped on this. First the guy seems like your average dude, 'Beats the heck out of me' Then he goes all cosmic with Mother Earth and Brother Sun. You have already let us know he is an Indian Medicine Man. Is he a hip medicine man or is he a chaste medicine man? After reading the rest, he seems like a chaste medicine man, so the first statement seems out of place.
Half way through the second scene when they are playing chess, I found myself a little frustrated with the references around the white man and the government and "old wounds". Is that tension about the mistreatment of Indians in the 1800's going to be an integral thread in the story? Will we find out that the Father's Mother was killed by Indians for reasons pertaining to the "old wounds"? If so, bravo to you for setting the stage early for the reader. If not, I don't think it has any further place than a brief comment and chuckle. Don't make your murder mystery a soap box for particular injustices that, although possibly close to your heart, have really nothing to do with the book.
Excellent, excellent, excellent ending to the second scene. Loved it!
Third scene: Once again, kind of confused me. Went from a cozy cabin back to the church in nothing flat, no set-up for the reader.
Ending, nice intro to the killer.
Really liked this! I am anxiously looking forward to the rest!
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2012
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Hey there! Sorry I might be a little late but I'm new to the site and your chapter 4 popped up to review and I figured I would start from the beginning. Speaking of beginnings, love yours! Immediate introduction to the character his frailty. Nice approach. I use the term "bump" when something doesn't sit well with me for whatever reason, just so you know. :-)
First para: Really like the picture, thought "pain gel" was a cheap and quick choice of words, you can do better.
Second para: Again, great visual, excellent paint brush for my mind. Bumped on the arrangement of sentences. I initially thought your second sentence was describing the air-conditioner ;-)
Love your phrase "cataract of fear blinded him". Excellent!
Not sure if "clerical duties" is what you mean, I think it should be "liturgical duties" or "duties of the clergy". Clerical duties are done by clerks and secretaries.
I fully understand your term "Homillists" most average readers will not though. Homiletic principles are usually only taught in religious schools. It is a very astute use of the word, but I would at least play around with terms more common and see how they fit.
Ok, the end of your first break, I felt a little confused. You did an excellent job getting us in the moment of Father sitting in a chair clutching a family blanket and establishing initial conflict of "where is my mom", then you quickly introduce us to Tom and they are on their way to go fishing in, like, three sentences. That space may be a good place for increased word count around the Father's reflections on WHY his membership had dropped, when or how his Mother disappeared...etc.
Second scene:
Sentence, "Beats the heck out of me. Mother Earth's signals grow increasingly mysterious to me. I just go about my day and appreciate the warmth of Brother Sun whenever he chooses to appear." Really bumped on this. First the guy seems like your average dude, 'Beats the heck out of me' Then he goes all cosmic with Mother Earth and Brother Sun. You have already let us know he is an Indian Medicine Man. Is he a hip medicine man or is he a chaste medicine man? After reading the rest, he seems like a chaste medicine man, so the first statement seems out of place.
Half way through the second scene when they are playing chess, I found myself a little frustrated with the references around the white man and the government and "old wounds". Is that tension about the mistreatment of Indians in the 1800's going to be an integral thread in the story? Will we find out that the Father's Mother was killed by Indians for reasons pertaining to the "old wounds"? If so, bravo to you for setting the stage early for the reader. If not, I don't think it has any further place than a brief comment and chuckle. Don't make your murder mystery a soap box for particular injustices that, although possibly close to your heart, have really nothing to do with the book.
Excellent, excellent, excellent ending to the second scene. Loved it!
Third scene: Once again, kind of confused me. Went from a cozy cabin back to the church in nothing flat, no set-up for the reader.
Ending, nice intro to the killer.
Really liked this! I am anxiously looking forward to the rest!
Comment Written 24-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2012
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Thank you for stopping by to read and review my chapter. I appreciate your insights and will consider all of your suggestions. Kind regards, Bev
Comment from Jonesy
I tend to review in detail and I did find some things for the author to look at, but for the most part they're easy fixes. Overall, I think the writing is fine. I especially like the descriptive interruptions (character movement, the details that set the stage, that sort of thing).
Something else I'm wondering about (but didn't factor into my review) is the beginning. If this is a novel length story, I thought too much was provided in the first few paragraphs. I knew a great deal about Father DeShano and really felt it might've been better to parcel it out a little more. In other words, things seemed to jump right in too quickly.
But, if this is just a longer shorty story, than never mind.
***Mother earth's***
If using as effectively a nickname, than "earth" should be capped
***brother sun***
If "Mother" is capped, than certainly "brother" should be too. Does seem as if Tony is using it as way of naming the sun, so thinking it should be "Brother Sun"
***Tony gutted and scaled the fish***
No real transition here. They're in the truck, then next thing the readers know they've already caught and cleaned fish. Wouldn't need much, just a sentence or two referencing the fishing itself
***Old Bay's seasoning***
Just "Old Bay", no reason to make it a possessive
***"What troubles you, friend?" The elder asked.***
Seems "elder" is used as a title so should be capped (and is earlier)
***heyoka." And the woman suffers***
Remove the quote and consider making one sentence. Might flow better
***Brian DeShano***
Just a thought, but is it better in narrative to refer to him as Father DeShano? Seems that way to me, but that's me
***with a smile for everyone she meets."***
Would he really say this under these circumstances?
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2012
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I tend to review in detail and I did find some things for the author to look at, but for the most part they're easy fixes. Overall, I think the writing is fine. I especially like the descriptive interruptions (character movement, the details that set the stage, that sort of thing).
Something else I'm wondering about (but didn't factor into my review) is the beginning. If this is a novel length story, I thought too much was provided in the first few paragraphs. I knew a great deal about Father DeShano and really felt it might've been better to parcel it out a little more. In other words, things seemed to jump right in too quickly.
But, if this is just a longer shorty story, than never mind.
***Mother earth's***
If using as effectively a nickname, than "earth" should be capped
***brother sun***
If "Mother" is capped, than certainly "brother" should be too. Does seem as if Tony is using it as way of naming the sun, so thinking it should be "Brother Sun"
***Tony gutted and scaled the fish***
No real transition here. They're in the truck, then next thing the readers know they've already caught and cleaned fish. Wouldn't need much, just a sentence or two referencing the fishing itself
***Old Bay's seasoning***
Just "Old Bay", no reason to make it a possessive
***"What troubles you, friend?" The elder asked.***
Seems "elder" is used as a title so should be capped (and is earlier)
***heyoka." And the woman suffers***
Remove the quote and consider making one sentence. Might flow better
***Brian DeShano***
Just a thought, but is it better in narrative to refer to him as Father DeShano? Seems that way to me, but that's me
***with a smile for everyone she meets."***
Would he really say this under these circumstances?
Comment Written 05-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2012
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Good suggestions which I will certainly consider. Thanks for the review. Bev
Comment from Anthony Crosbie
This is wonderful writing. I found myself immersed in your writing and am left intrigued by the person in his house. You build suspense really well and your flowing style is really enjoyable. I look forward to reading more.
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2012
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This is wonderful writing. I found myself immersed in your writing and am left intrigued by the person in his house. You build suspense really well and your flowing style is really enjoyable. I look forward to reading more.
Comment Written 04-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2012
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Thank you so much, Archie. I really am honored by your positive and encouraing review - not to mention your generous rating. Father Brian is going to be immersed in some nasty business pretty quickly. Thanks for stopping by! Warm regards, Bev
Comment from gazzagodbod
ooo no not the lovely old sweet lady wow what a chapter loved it my friend well written and could not stop till the end xxgazzaxx
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2012
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ooo no not the lovely old sweet lady wow what a chapter loved it my friend well written and could not stop till the end xxgazzaxx
Comment Written 04-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2012
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Hi,gazza. Love your review and sure appreciate the support and interest! Father Brian's facing a formidable foe in the next chapters! Warm regards, Bev
Comment from Paradox Tremors
I love the notes you always put at the end of your stories. You ending was incredible and a eye-catcher that has me wanting the second chapter, now, instead of waiting--a great start my friend. Keep up the great writing.
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2012
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I love the notes you always put at the end of your stories. You ending was incredible and a eye-catcher that has me wanting the second chapter, now, instead of waiting--a great start my friend. Keep up the great writing.
Comment Written 03-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2012
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Hi, P.T. Thanks so much for this awesome review. I hope that you are feeling better and will be posting something of your own soon.
I love the characters and hope that I can do justice to my vision for the succeeding chapters. You've certainly given me hope that I can accomplish that.
Hugs. Bev