Oh, what price ye passion claim?
A short story of Passion.25 total reviews
Comment from starman
Very imaginative and the ending was superb. A raw, emotionless physical act that was like having cold water poured on the preceding story of fantasy, romance and love. I loved the last bitter-sweet verse. That gave the story a real lift.
:)s
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2008
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Very imaginative and the ending was superb. A raw, emotionless physical act that was like having cold water poured on the preceding story of fantasy, romance and love. I loved the last bitter-sweet verse. That gave the story a real lift.
:)s
Comment Written 23-Mar-2008
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2008
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Thank you very much starman. I appreciate your taking the time to read and comment. ZeeZee
Comment from Donn Clark
Bravo. An exquisite piece. An exquisite tale. The story, flow, characterization, imagery and scenes were all played out to perfection. Not so the dialogue, but that's okay (and I jest) the story is wonderful. A dark alley of 'Bell, Book, and Candle'. Donn
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2008
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Bravo. An exquisite piece. An exquisite tale. The story, flow, characterization, imagery and scenes were all played out to perfection. Not so the dialogue, but that's okay (and I jest) the story is wonderful. A dark alley of 'Bell, Book, and Candle'. Donn
Comment Written 23-Mar-2008
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2008
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Donn, thank you for taking the time to read and comment. I am new here and still finding my way about. Hope to see you again. ZeeZee
Comment from Thayamax
This story is wonderfully creative and concise. No wasted words in this one. It kept my interest from beginning to end, wondering what would happen. The ending is quite sad. She had that wonderful week of love that was so perfect, it made returning to reality all the more bleak. Now she has something to compare it to, and it comes up terribly short.
Nicely written and I enjoyed it very much.
Thaya
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2008
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This story is wonderfully creative and concise. No wasted words in this one. It kept my interest from beginning to end, wondering what would happen. The ending is quite sad. She had that wonderful week of love that was so perfect, it made returning to reality all the more bleak. Now she has something to compare it to, and it comes up terribly short.
Nicely written and I enjoyed it very much.
Thaya
Comment Written 23-Mar-2008
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2008
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Thank you so much Thayamax. I appreciate your review and comments.
Comment from ledford
This is very good in the areas where you don't use run-ons and overuse "and"s. If you correct these, this will be very great:-)
Here are my suggestions....
"He was all she could think of {,} he consumed" This is a comma splice. I recommend a semi-colon or a period here.
"She could not touch him [or] smell him or feel his breath against her cheek." I recommend replace this [ ] with a comma
"a continuum of misery pulling her down in a cyclone of despair." Nice!
"It all seemed so simple {,} one sip" I recommend a semi-colon here { } since this is a comma splice.
"And there he was, standing before her, and she" I recommend a period after "her" then "She ..."
"She fell to the ground and covered his feet with her body, and he lifted" Same here... "She fell to the ground and covered his feet with her body. He lifted..."
"Their surrogate bodies went to work and ate dinner and played ball and made love while their real selves walked together in the world unseen, and unnoticed." This sentance is quite long and is sprinkled with too many "and"s in my opinion.
"They ate fine meals and drank fine wine and danced in each others arms." Same here. Also, you need an apostrophe after "each others" since it should be possessive.
"Their days were spent walking and looking into each others eyes and speaking of ideas and dreams, exchanging times past and laughing together" Too many "and"s
"But the secret {,} the potion, had a catch...." I recommend an em dash--where the { } is
Keep up the good work!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2008
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This is very good in the areas where you don't use run-ons and overuse "and"s. If you correct these, this will be very great:-)
Here are my suggestions....
"He was all she could think of {,} he consumed" This is a comma splice. I recommend a semi-colon or a period here.
"She could not touch him [or] smell him or feel his breath against her cheek." I recommend replace this [ ] with a comma
"a continuum of misery pulling her down in a cyclone of despair." Nice!
"It all seemed so simple {,} one sip" I recommend a semi-colon here { } since this is a comma splice.
"And there he was, standing before her, and she" I recommend a period after "her" then "She ..."
"She fell to the ground and covered his feet with her body, and he lifted" Same here... "She fell to the ground and covered his feet with her body. He lifted..."
"Their surrogate bodies went to work and ate dinner and played ball and made love while their real selves walked together in the world unseen, and unnoticed." This sentance is quite long and is sprinkled with too many "and"s in my opinion.
"They ate fine meals and drank fine wine and danced in each others arms." Same here. Also, you need an apostrophe after "each others" since it should be possessive.
"Their days were spent walking and looking into each others eyes and speaking of ideas and dreams, exchanging times past and laughing together" Too many "and"s
"But the secret {,} the potion, had a catch...." I recommend an em dash--where the { } is
Keep up the good work!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 23-Mar-2008
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2008
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I cannot tell you how much I appreciate you comments and suggestions. You took the time to look this over and write your suggestions. You are a true reviewer.. Nice. Zee
Comment from jsgrrw
A very captivating and well-written story. I enjoyed it from beginning until end. You easily conveyed both the saddness and heartbreak of having to return to "real life".
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2008
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A very captivating and well-written story. I enjoyed it from beginning until end. You easily conveyed both the saddness and heartbreak of having to return to "real life".
Comment Written 23-Mar-2008
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2008
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jsgrrw.. thank you for reading my story and commenting.
Comment from Charles Keith
Hi ZZ
Great story, very well written. The drug of lust seems to be a strong one with severe cold turkey. This is a well known fact and you have spelt it out well ... nice work!
I enjoyed reading this.
Best Wishes
Keith
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2008
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Hi ZZ
Great story, very well written. The drug of lust seems to be a strong one with severe cold turkey. This is a well known fact and you have spelt it out well ... nice work!
I enjoyed reading this.
Best Wishes
Keith
Comment Written 23-Mar-2008
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2008
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Thank you Charles. I appreciate your kind words. Zee
Comment from Judian James
"And then exactly one week from the moment they met, they returned, returned to their real lives.
She noticed the air was thick and heavy and stale, no longer buoyant, as she found herself in her bed, beneath her husband" Excellent. You spin one wild yarn after another Zee and I'm loving the ride!!
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2008
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"And then exactly one week from the moment they met, they returned, returned to their real lives.
She noticed the air was thick and heavy and stale, no longer buoyant, as she found herself in her bed, beneath her husband" Excellent. You spin one wild yarn after another Zee and I'm loving the ride!!
Comment Written 23-Mar-2008
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2008
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Thank you Judian... I must admit I loved this write.
Comment from Norzah
A beautiful short story calling on the greatest power of imagination to follow
since it involves not only a magic potion to realize one's desire but also a duplication of existence. As one pair of the duplicated body embarked on a week of frenzied love-making and pleasure hunting, the other pair rremained invisible and non-active. But as a moral of the story, a price must be oaid for the use of the magical potion. She was returned to her previous self but no longer alone; she was continuously serving her husband's sexual demand, a servant to his lust. Very thought provoking.
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2008
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A beautiful short story calling on the greatest power of imagination to follow
since it involves not only a magic potion to realize one's desire but also a duplication of existence. As one pair of the duplicated body embarked on a week of frenzied love-making and pleasure hunting, the other pair rremained invisible and non-active. But as a moral of the story, a price must be oaid for the use of the magical potion. She was returned to her previous self but no longer alone; she was continuously serving her husband's sexual demand, a servant to his lust. Very thought provoking.
Comment Written 23-Mar-2008
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2008
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Thank you Norzah. This was a special piece for me. Thank you for taking the time to read and to leave such a wonderful review. Zee
Comment from Wendyanne
Hi zeezee. I really enjoyed this story and found the ending totally unexpected. You have related the story well and I see no areas for improvement in my humble opinion
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2008
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Hi zeezee. I really enjoyed this story and found the ending totally unexpected. You have related the story well and I see no areas for improvement in my humble opinion
Comment Written 23-Mar-2008
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2008
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Thank you for reading my story Wendyanne. I appreciate your kind words. ZeeZee
Comment from UniversalWriter
After I read your story, I learned that we do have to learn how to be more romantic again . Being a mean husband is not the way to live life. ...You could be mean to your dog and never to your wife....Sorry, we shouldn't be mean to a dog either...Dogs need love as well.
I did enjoy your work as always. Your materials inside your work has that spark of love and romance. Now I am about to practice how to romance again with a stringy mop before my wife gets home. I need to learn how to light that fire..Instead of looking like a snowman.......Sorry, do you think that I am not normal because I want to kiss and romance a sexy mop?
Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2008
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After I read your story, I learned that we do have to learn how to be more romantic again . Being a mean husband is not the way to live life. ...You could be mean to your dog and never to your wife....Sorry, we shouldn't be mean to a dog either...Dogs need love as well.
I did enjoy your work as always. Your materials inside your work has that spark of love and romance. Now I am about to practice how to romance again with a stringy mop before my wife gets home. I need to learn how to light that fire..Instead of looking like a snowman.......Sorry, do you think that I am not normal because I want to kiss and romance a sexy mop?
Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 23-Mar-2008
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2008
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I was kidding you about what you wrote in your bio, your mop is too funny. Thanks you for your review. I look forward to reading your next one. Zee