Heart Crafted Poems - 2022
Viewing comments for Chapter 17 "Kaleidoscope of Color"Musings of an old man - 2022
31 total reviews
Comment from SimianSavant
Hello! Your rhymes all work effectively. This is a good piece that would benefit from a few edits.
At once, a kaleidoscope of color, embowing
sheaths of dazzling lights carry me <= noun is kaleidoscope (singular), verb is carry (plural). It should be "carries".
replaced instantly <= it is unclear what you mean here. "Replaced" is a somewhat passive verb. Maybe you want something more active?
I emerge morphed into being a beautiful multi-colored butterfly <= "being" is redundant. So, I think, is "multi-colored". Your kaleidoscope loses color if you refer to it too much. It will shine brighter if you have something to contrast it against. Most butterflies have lots of colors, so better to let the reader imagine it.
my mosaic of shimmering energy flutters, a mate flies by. <= this is a run-on sentence. You can fix it by changing "flutters" to "fluttering".
Thanks for the read!
-Harambe
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reply by the author on 01-Mar-2022
Hello! Your rhymes all work effectively. This is a good piece that would benefit from a few edits.
At once, a kaleidoscope of color, embowing
sheaths of dazzling lights carry me <= noun is kaleidoscope (singular), verb is carry (plural). It should be "carries".
replaced instantly <= it is unclear what you mean here. "Replaced" is a somewhat passive verb. Maybe you want something more active?
I emerge morphed into being a beautiful multi-colored butterfly <= "being" is redundant. So, I think, is "multi-colored". Your kaleidoscope loses color if you refer to it too much. It will shine brighter if you have something to contrast it against. Most butterflies have lots of colors, so better to let the reader imagine it.
my mosaic of shimmering energy flutters, a mate flies by. <= this is a run-on sentence. You can fix it by changing "flutters" to "fluttering".
Thanks for the read!
-Harambe
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 01-Mar-2022
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2022
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Thanks for the now implemented comments.
Comment from Sally Law
Beautifully penned an illustrated poem for the prom, J. I felt like I was on a kaleidoscope dream just reading it. I am just returning to review this. Thank you for the pleasure today. Sending along the very best to you and yours and blessings for your writing day, Sally :))
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2022
Beautifully penned an illustrated poem for the prom, J. I felt like I was on a kaleidoscope dream just reading it. I am just returning to review this. Thank you for the pleasure today. Sending along the very best to you and yours and blessings for your writing day, Sally :))
Comment Written 01-Mar-2022
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2022
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Thanks always, Sal!
Comment from Boogienights
This is really beautiful, I can see the colors described in my mind. You paint quite a picture with your descriptive words, thank you for sharing. :)
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2022
This is really beautiful, I can see the colors described in my mind. You paint quite a picture with your descriptive words, thank you for sharing. :)
Comment Written 01-Mar-2022
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2022
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I do thank you!
Comment from barbara.wilkey
Thank you for sharing this club entry with us. I liked the way you incorporated the necessary words into this poem. Your descriptions were very good and the rhyming scheme made for ease of reading.
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2022
Thank you for sharing this club entry with us. I liked the way you incorporated the necessary words into this poem. Your descriptions were very good and the rhyming scheme made for ease of reading.
Comment Written 01-Mar-2022
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2022
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Thank you Barbara.
Comment from Paul McFarland
The rhyme scheme of a sonnet. This would be beautiful if you used iambic pentameter. You have some great descriptive phrases here. You should do well with your club entry.
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2022
The rhyme scheme of a sonnet. This would be beautiful if you used iambic pentameter. You have some great descriptive phrases here. You should do well with your club entry.
Comment Written 01-Mar-2022
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2022
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Thank you Paul, I am such a failure when it comes to iambic meter ... try and try again I do I seemingly do not have rhythm, two left feet and writers block ( my excuse ) thanks Jim
Comment from Tom Horonzy
I wonder how few views mortality as the flight of a butterfly? I like the simile. .......................................................................................................................
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2022
I wonder how few views mortality as the flight of a butterfly? I like the simile. .......................................................................................................................
Comment Written 01-Mar-2022
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2022
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Great thought, Tom! Thanks for the read and comment.
Comment from Dolly'sPoems
You brought to colour of our world into your poem here and the world would be a sad place without it. The thirds stanza is my favourite, so descriptive with rich shimmering words, energy infused with flight, much enjoyed, love Dolly x
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2022
You brought to colour of our world into your poem here and the world would be a sad place without it. The thirds stanza is my favourite, so descriptive with rich shimmering words, energy infused with flight, much enjoyed, love Dolly x
Comment Written 01-Mar-2022
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2022
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Thank you for sharing your comments
Comment from BLACKTITANIUM86
I had to get deep into this, to be able to really understand this. For, you write kind complicated. Nevertheless, you did your thing. Keep Writing. And try to stop by to talk. Either way, stay connected
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2022
I had to get deep into this, to be able to really understand this. For, you write kind complicated. Nevertheless, you did your thing. Keep Writing. And try to stop by to talk. Either way, stay connected
Comment Written 28-Feb-2022
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2022
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Thank you for your comments.
Comment from duchessofdrumborg
' Kaleidoscope of Colour ' , is an extremely well-written and delightfully descriptive piece. Penned with craft and skill. This talented poet's work was a pleasure to both read and review. I look forward to seeing your next post.
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2022
' Kaleidoscope of Colour ' , is an extremely well-written and delightfully descriptive piece. Penned with craft and skill. This talented poet's work was a pleasure to both read and review. I look forward to seeing your next post.
Comment Written 28-Feb-2022
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2022
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Hi friend, thank you! I hope you are far removed from the flooding in your country.
Comment from Janice Canerdy
This is an excellent poem in all respects--skillfully and creatively written and appealingly descriptive, allowing its character to drift off into a majestic place of vivid colors, become enveloped, and emerge as a lovely butterfly.
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2022
This is an excellent poem in all respects--skillfully and creatively written and appealingly descriptive, allowing its character to drift off into a majestic place of vivid colors, become enveloped, and emerge as a lovely butterfly.
Comment Written 28-Feb-2022
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2022
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Thank you for your comments, Janice,