Lips
Invitation to a Retirement Party42 total reviews
Comment from RGstar
Just a brilliant piece of writing. You are the complete writer my friend, from science fiction to this and beyond, wherever you choose, and that is saying something.
I don't need to comment more, the work speaks for itself. Tremendous,
Best wishes.
RG
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2021
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Just a brilliant piece of writing. You are the complete writer my friend, from science fiction to this and beyond, wherever you choose, and that is saying something.
I don't need to comment more, the work speaks for itself. Tremendous,
Best wishes.
RG
Comment Written 25-Oct-2021
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2021
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Thank you RG. Your words mean so much to me. I'm so very pleased you enjoyed your experience with this story. Thanks for the six!
Comment from robyn corum
Jay,
Yuck. The story was cool in that nothing headed where it was expected. To the end I had no idea what might happen. I kept thinking that Jeffrey was going to fool her - and was surprised that he never got the upper hand. BTW, what was in the second container under the cover? Need to revisit that, I think?
Great fun. Thanks!
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2021
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Jay,
Yuck. The story was cool in that nothing headed where it was expected. To the end I had no idea what might happen. I kept thinking that Jeffrey was going to fool her - and was surprised that he never got the upper hand. BTW, what was in the second container under the cover? Need to revisit that, I think?
Great fun. Thanks!
Comment Written 25-Oct-2021
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2021
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The contents of the second jar was spelled out in the 4 K words on the cutting-room floor. It was only implied here, but the jar held his trophies, and what I didn't explain in this one was that he used the lip balm to keep his trophies lubricated. It just got too weird, so I left that part out. Good choice, huh?
Comment from Richard Van Kirk
Great job. I thought your beginning was slow, it was difficult for me to be captured by what was happening. When you wrote, "She could feel the tide of something pull at her," I wondered what that meant, however I began to read the story more intently, thinking that she was going to be caught up in the man's game. You captured some of the behavior and thought process of a sociopath, however I would have liked to see more depth in the main character/narrator. She could be more developed. You started the second paragraph with, "Truth was...." That did not serve as well as it might. The MC's inner needs could be developed there. She was interviewing a serial killer, or "lip remover," a person all kinds of authorities were after and could never find, after 20 years! She was alone in a motel room with him, and the thousands of viewers watching live. That was a tremendous risk for Jeffery who was now seen by a lot of people. She appropriately head butts the man when he grabs her throat, and he goes down. I felt concerned for her. Overall your story was well done. My anxiety level was high enough to get concerned! Thank you.
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2021
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Great job. I thought your beginning was slow, it was difficult for me to be captured by what was happening. When you wrote, "She could feel the tide of something pull at her," I wondered what that meant, however I began to read the story more intently, thinking that she was going to be caught up in the man's game. You captured some of the behavior and thought process of a sociopath, however I would have liked to see more depth in the main character/narrator. She could be more developed. You started the second paragraph with, "Truth was...." That did not serve as well as it might. The MC's inner needs could be developed there. She was interviewing a serial killer, or "lip remover," a person all kinds of authorities were after and could never find, after 20 years! She was alone in a motel room with him, and the thousands of viewers watching live. That was a tremendous risk for Jeffery who was now seen by a lot of people. She appropriately head butts the man when he grabs her throat, and he goes down. I felt concerned for her. Overall your story was well done. My anxiety level was high enough to get concerned! Thank you.
Comment Written 25-Oct-2021
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2021
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Thank you for your candid, in-depth analysis, Richard. I had to make some choices. Much of what you wanted was left on the cutting-room floor, as it were. Over 4K didn't make the cut. Thank you for the suggestion that the protag needed further development. I agree with you. With an extra thousand words, her egoic need to be a success could have been buffered. Also, in the original version his need to establish himself as the most prolific serial killer in the U.S. was more the focus, less on the gory details about the lips. Anyway, sometimes one needs to simply take his fingers off the keys and realize it is his best effort, but miles and years from perfection. Again, thanks. I'm amazed to get your 6!
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I read my old stories and immediately begin editing, removing, changing words. Why did the protagonist say that, I think, and take it out. I guess we can't help ourselves!
Comment from karenina
If the Grim Reaper has a shadow, it is a shroud on the soul of your Jeffrey and the unbelievably disturbing Jaime Usana. The chills increase as you peal back the layers of both Gretchen and Jeffrey. After all, each is disturbingly self centered, neither is attentive to the danger of an unsated ego! I hung on every word. This is not surprising, as you have such a powerful ability to draw your readers in. The frisson of fear, the lustful need to be famous, was static in interplay between Gretchen and Jeffrey. Such is your powerful writing that my mind is still playing out the next moments after your ending... (Jeffrey may well have overpowered Gretchen. Watching the interview (alas I did not take the warning!)--it curdled my soul to listen to the disassociation of Jaime's account from the unspeakable horrors he has afflicted. Fascinating write. A study in psychosis. The juxtaposition of this with Halloween is brilliant. The most frightening time is when the most disturbed among us remove their mask! Six isn't enough. It just is not...
Karenina
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2021
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If the Grim Reaper has a shadow, it is a shroud on the soul of your Jeffrey and the unbelievably disturbing Jaime Usana. The chills increase as you peal back the layers of both Gretchen and Jeffrey. After all, each is disturbingly self centered, neither is attentive to the danger of an unsated ego! I hung on every word. This is not surprising, as you have such a powerful ability to draw your readers in. The frisson of fear, the lustful need to be famous, was static in interplay between Gretchen and Jeffrey. Such is your powerful writing that my mind is still playing out the next moments after your ending... (Jeffrey may well have overpowered Gretchen. Watching the interview (alas I did not take the warning!)--it curdled my soul to listen to the disassociation of Jaime's account from the unspeakable horrors he has afflicted. Fascinating write. A study in psychosis. The juxtaposition of this with Halloween is brilliant. The most frightening time is when the most disturbed among us remove their mask! Six isn't enough. It just is not...
Karenina
Comment Written 25-Oct-2021
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2021
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Yours has to be one of the most perceptive reviews I've received. You focused in on the interplay of their egos. In the four thousand words I cut from this, each of their demons was explored more, but the plot line would have suffered. I'm so pleased you enjoyed this, Karenina, as gory as it was. You are so kind to have rewarded me with a six. Thank you.
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A fascinating write, Jay. I have been thinking about it long into the evening.
One of those rare times when stats seemed just so lacking! --Karenina
Comment from damommy
Omigosh! The real horror is knowing there are people like that still out there. One wonders what happened to make them that way. Where they born without some vital part in their brain, or did something happen in their early life to turn them to murder. You've written a powerful story that should give a lot of us the creeps. Well done. I watched the video. Osuna is the stuff horror movies are made of. I hope they keep him locked up forever. But he said he has friends to like the same stuff he does. That's frightening!
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2021
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Omigosh! The real horror is knowing there are people like that still out there. One wonders what happened to make them that way. Where they born without some vital part in their brain, or did something happen in their early life to turn them to murder. You've written a powerful story that should give a lot of us the creeps. Well done. I watched the video. Osuna is the stuff horror movies are made of. I hope they keep him locked up forever. But he said he has friends to like the same stuff he does. That's frightening!
Comment Written 25-Oct-2021
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2021
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Blessings, Yvonne, and thank you for reading. You are of but a few reviewers who took it beyond the plot-scope to give some thought about the consequences of such horror on society. Thank you for that.
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You're welcome. Thank you for the compliment. I've read that, at any moment, there are thousands of serial killers walking around unknown. When they were little, I taught my sons not to trust what we called "familiar strangers," people we see every day but don't really know.
I hope you are doing well. Did you ever look into the Medical Guardian alert system? I wear my "necklace" every moment I'm out of bed. 8-)
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No, Yvonne. Thank you for caring. Very wise of you and probably very foolish of me, but no, I haven't done anything about it.
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
I decided that your story was graphic enough, without listening to the video, Jay. This was really creepy, and there is no way I would have done what Gretchen did, interview this serial killer. She could have ended up the same as his other victims, and lose her lips! You are certainly a great story teller, Jay, I cling on to every word, and you never fail me. Well done, and good luck in the contest, although, somehow I don't think you need it!! :)) Sandra xxxx
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2021
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I decided that your story was graphic enough, without listening to the video, Jay. This was really creepy, and there is no way I would have done what Gretchen did, interview this serial killer. She could have ended up the same as his other victims, and lose her lips! You are certainly a great story teller, Jay, I cling on to every word, and you never fail me. Well done, and good luck in the contest, although, somehow I don't think you need it!! :)) Sandra xxxx
Comment Written 25-Oct-2021
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2021
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Thank you, Sandra. Your review is always a highlight to me. You are so very, very kind and yet honestly to the point. About the jailhouse interview, I had only put that in after the first 20 reviews
Comment from Jasmine Girl
This is a great Halloween story and I think you will win. I read it none stop and it captured me all the way to the end. It reminded me of Sidney Shelton's books, very attractive criminals.
Exceptionally done and good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2021
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This is a great Halloween story and I think you will win. I read it none stop and it captured me all the way to the end. It reminded me of Sidney Shelton's books, very attractive criminals.
Exceptionally done and good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 25-Oct-2021
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2021
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Thank you, so much, Lisa. I don't hold out much hope for the contest, though, because, I think, in my heart, that the judges will be more attuned to a more wholesome, trick-or-treat kind of tale. Mine may be a bit gnarly!
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I don't how they judge the Site Sponsored contests. I was a third place winner recently for the Write a Script contest. I read the entry by the first place winner, Patty Palmer. There are many mistakes in the script like "said she." She turned her novel into a script without cleaning up and she is lack of understanding the script format. Did they read her entry? I was too lazy to complain.
Comment from Cogitator
I had an extra six I couldn't award, so you will be the recipient of the best of the day for John. Quality writing has become more than before on this site, but we are more serious than others (sometimes). Greatness has been bestowed on you today...John
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2021
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I had an extra six I couldn't award, so you will be the recipient of the best of the day for John. Quality writing has become more than before on this site, but we are more serious than others (sometimes). Greatness has been bestowed on you today...John
Comment Written 25-Oct-2021
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2021
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Thank you, John. It's a good thing to be bathed by your light. Thank you for your sixer and your kind words. You are appreciated, Sir! BTW, if you have an interest, you might enjoy an article I wrote about the California prison system, which also touches on Jaime Osuna, the subject in the jailhouse interview I provided in the author notes. https://tinyurl.com/2mxtc3vn
Thanks again, John
Jay
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Will do
Comment from Seshadri_Sreenivasan
This is an intriguing thriller all the way. Poor Gretchen! Looks like she got carried away by the interview and recording/vlogging! And in the bargain compromised on her safety. You have kept the reader guessing all way through. It is really difficult to find out what goes on in other person's brain and especially he or she is devious.
Much enjoyed.Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2021
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This is an intriguing thriller all the way. Poor Gretchen! Looks like she got carried away by the interview and recording/vlogging! And in the bargain compromised on her safety. You have kept the reader guessing all way through. It is really difficult to find out what goes on in other person's brain and especially he or she is devious.
Much enjoyed.Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 25-Oct-2021
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2021
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Thank you, Seshadri for your kind words and the stars! I'm glad you found the tale worthwhile and felt the tension throughout.
Comment from Sanku
From the great opening line to the very end ,it was a thriller all the way.As per your warning I skipped the video. Very good characterisation, two very strong minded people...All the best for the contest.
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2021
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From the great opening line to the very end ,it was a thriller all the way.As per your warning I skipped the video. Very good characterisation, two very strong minded people...All the best for the contest.
Comment Written 25-Oct-2021
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2021
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So happy to titillate you, Sanku. Thanks for rewarding it with a six! No problem with the video. I only added it after the twentieth review so the reader could get an idea of the creative incubation that goes on before writing of my gruesome tale. Again, thank you.