Top of the Mountain
Hug them, squeeze them, love them . . . every day.180 total reviews
Comment from KYPollard/El Gato
This is a beautiful story. I'm glad the words given to you by the misnister helped. It helped me also. He is right ... that which does not kill us, makes us stronger. I believe that you are as strong as Atlas, now. Your strenght is needed over and over again for others in need. God bless you.
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2009
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This is a beautiful story. I'm glad the words given to you by the misnister helped. It helped me also. He is right ... that which does not kill us, makes us stronger. I believe that you are as strong as Atlas, now. Your strenght is needed over and over again for others in need. God bless you.
Comment Written 27-Sep-2009
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2009
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Thank you, El Gato. How nice of you to respond thisway...Bless you...Bob
Comment from Patrick G Cox
This must be every parent's nightmare, thank you for sharing your story with the world. From counselling the bereaved I have found that sometimes this can be a cathartic experience which enables them to release the pain. I hope that has been the case for you too. Take care.
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2009
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This must be every parent's nightmare, thank you for sharing your story with the world. From counselling the bereaved I have found that sometimes this can be a cathartic experience which enables them to release the pain. I hope that has been the case for you too. Take care.
Comment Written 27-Sep-2009
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2009
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Thank you, Patrick. I am not sure what posessed me to talk about it other than it did change my life so proundly. Bless you, my friend...Bob
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Whatever moved you to tell the story, let's hope it helps others in the same boat. Thanks again.
Comment from jeana
I am so sorry for your loss. I have a teenage son his friend hit a tree with him in the car last year he was ok thank god. He has been driving for the past 8 months with many incidents I fear for his safety every day. Your story truly hits home and brings tears to my eyes. You are so right about our children being our world. jeana
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2009
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I am so sorry for your loss. I have a teenage son his friend hit a tree with him in the car last year he was ok thank god. He has been driving for the past 8 months with many incidents I fear for his safety every day. Your story truly hits home and brings tears to my eyes. You are so right about our children being our world. jeana
Comment Written 27-Sep-2009
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2009
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Thanks so much, Jeana. I know it is scary. when they start driving it is hard to get to sleep at night when they are out, isn't it? Take care and God bless...Bob
Comment from Colin Douglas
This was extaordinarily powerful, especially for me, as I am often sick with fear of my own children's death.
I am sorry that you had to go through that.
From a literary standpoint, your writing is not at all simplistic, and yet easy to follow and understand, which makes for enjoyable reading. I particularly liked, "...so we learned the stress-relieving art of pacing the hall and smoking cigarettes in anticipation of news..."
One detail you might want to fix:
"...the corners of his eyes. This doesn't look good at all. The skin around his eyes..." You switched to present tense for a moment here, probably trying to give us your thoughts, but it doesn't quite work here. Actually, it would be a stronger paragraph if you simply remove "This doesn't look good at all." entirely.
Thank you for sharing.
Colin
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2009
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This was extaordinarily powerful, especially for me, as I am often sick with fear of my own children's death.
I am sorry that you had to go through that.
From a literary standpoint, your writing is not at all simplistic, and yet easy to follow and understand, which makes for enjoyable reading. I particularly liked, "...so we learned the stress-relieving art of pacing the hall and smoking cigarettes in anticipation of news..."
One detail you might want to fix:
"...the corners of his eyes. This doesn't look good at all. The skin around his eyes..." You switched to present tense for a moment here, probably trying to give us your thoughts, but it doesn't quite work here. Actually, it would be a stronger paragraph if you simply remove "This doesn't look good at all." entirely.
Thank you for sharing.
Colin
Comment Written 27-Sep-2009
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2009
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Yes, Colin, you are right...I just took it out completely. You know when you write something like this , things just seem to flow as if you are living them all over again. Bless you for the fine review....Take care...Bob
Comment from Gert sherwood
Hello Bob,
What can one say when your only child fades away into eternity. there is always sorrow.
and you know how to show it in you tearful excellent story of your son.
Sorrow has a harp of seven strings
and plays on unceasing all the day;
the first string sings of love that is long dead,
the third of happiness forgot and fled.
A vigil kept in vain the fourth cord sings,
and the fifth string of roses dropped away.
the sixth string calls and is unanswered,
the seventh with your son's name forever rings ~
Listen for its singing everyday.
Gert
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2009
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Hello Bob,
What can one say when your only child fades away into eternity. there is always sorrow.
and you know how to show it in you tearful excellent story of your son.
Sorrow has a harp of seven strings
and plays on unceasing all the day;
the first string sings of love that is long dead,
the third of happiness forgot and fled.
A vigil kept in vain the fourth cord sings,
and the fifth string of roses dropped away.
the sixth string calls and is unanswered,
the seventh with your son's name forever rings ~
Listen for its singing everyday.
Gert
Comment Written 27-Sep-2009
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2009
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How beautiful this is , gert. Thank you so very much....Bob
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Mastery you are so welcome
Gert
Comment from prodigal
Bob I'm a grown man sitting here 9 AM with tears streaming down my face. I'm so sorry, my friend. The priest was right I suppose. I can't imagine anything worse than losing Bobby.
I can't comment as to the writing. I was wrapped up in the story and didn't notice anything. Well done, my friend.
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2009
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Bob I'm a grown man sitting here 9 AM with tears streaming down my face. I'm so sorry, my friend. The priest was right I suppose. I can't imagine anything worse than losing Bobby.
I can't comment as to the writing. I was wrapped up in the story and didn't notice anything. Well done, my friend.
Comment Written 27-Sep-2009
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2009
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Thank you, Sam....I am so grateful for your comments...Spoken like a real man with an authentic heart. Semper Fi, Bob
Comment from BethShelby
How horrible. I see I had read this before. I thought it sounded familiar. Tomorrow is the anniversary of his funeral. No wonder you mentioned. I'm so sorry. It won't let me give you six stars but I would.
This story is sad and moving. You are right. There is nothing quite as hard as burying a child. This would have to change your life forever. I'm sorry you suffered such a tragic loss. My husband and I buried our first child but she was only a few months old. It was hard but nothing like your loss. I had four more. I can only imagine the suffering you went through. Thanks for sharing this story with your readers.
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2009
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How horrible. I see I had read this before. I thought it sounded familiar. Tomorrow is the anniversary of his funeral. No wonder you mentioned. I'm so sorry. It won't let me give you six stars but I would.
This story is sad and moving. You are right. There is nothing quite as hard as burying a child. This would have to change your life forever. I'm sorry you suffered such a tragic loss. My husband and I buried our first child but she was only a few months old. It was hard but nothing like your loss. I had four more. I can only imagine the suffering you went through. Thanks for sharing this story with your readers.
Comment Written 27-Sep-2009
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2009
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And I thank you too, beth. No matte rwhen or how long ago, losing a child is the worst. you know, don't you? Thank you for your heartfelt review...Bob
Comment from Kentucky Sweet Pea
Dear Bob,
I am so very sorry for your incredible loss. Your written portrayal of this heavy loss is perfectly presented and heartfelt.
I lost a daughter at the age of 4 days. I cannot imagine losing a child at age 2, 4. 10, 14, 24, 34 or 104 after the grief 4 days brought.
Thank you for letting me get to know your son.
Much love,
Penny
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2009
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Dear Bob,
I am so very sorry for your incredible loss. Your written portrayal of this heavy loss is perfectly presented and heartfelt.
I lost a daughter at the age of 4 days. I cannot imagine losing a child at age 2, 4. 10, 14, 24, 34 or 104 after the grief 4 days brought.
Thank you for letting me get to know your son.
Much love,
Penny
Comment Written 27-Sep-2009
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2009
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Thank you, Penny...I am sograteful for your kind words and thoughts..XXX.Bob
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my prayers are with you.
Comment from rama devi
Second review
Thanks for letting me know you made all those edits, dear Bob.
First review (Four stars)
Thank you for sharing this very tragic tale. I was moved to tears at the end, especially when the father gave his condolences and very wise words about finding the positive and having been to the top of the mountain.
The closing is heart wrenching and I am so sorry you've had to experience losing an only child. The father is right, there is no worse pain than that.
But it is also true, as Kahlil Gibran so poetically wrote 'The more deeply pain carves into our being, the more joy we can contain"....Not sure if those were his exact words, but the meaning is the same.
I like how you introduced this with a few anecdotes of other events in your life, to paint a clear contrast and affirm the notion that this was the most defining event.
I am sure this was cathartic to write.
Find a whole bunch of tiny nits and suggestions to make, but they are all so minor that i think they only add up to discounting one star, as the deep emotional content of this makes up for any typos or awkward phrasing.
MY REVIEWING NOTES IN DETAIL-
**I think it makes more sense-in terms of fluid flow and transitions-to switch the order of these two paragraphs-
I would probably be wise to say my life changed when I married my current wife who is the love of my life. But, one thing above all others made me the man I am today because it changed my outlook on life.
True, our lives are molded by multitudes of events -- both good and bad. We try to remember the good things and purposely shove the unpleasant ones out of our minds. Those that we attempt to dismiss, however, are the happenings we will never forget.
**THis is a great line, but is also missing a comma-
It was as if heaven played my song that morning when the doctor came out and said(COMMA) "Congratulations, Mr. Hartson, you have a son."
** Speaking of transitions, these two lines come a bit abruptly and the second sentence is awkwardly phrased, in my opinion.
All was not good however, because we were later informed that due to certain "female problems", my wife would not be allowed a second pregnancy. Further, adoption laws were more strict in those days so we decided not to go there.
Suggestion
All was not good however, because we were later informed that due to certain "female problems", my wife would not be allowed a second pregnancy. We later learned adoption laws were more strict in those days so we decided not consider that option.
**Here, I think you have used the word THAT in an awkward manner...
That Saturday morning, after Thanksgiving day in 1981, I drove Bobby and four kids on his bowling team to the bowling alley for their Saturday morning league.
I'd start it differently-
On the Saturday morning after Thanksgiving day in 1981,
or -"The next Saturday"
**Slight suggestion to alter this line-
The parents took turns transporting them and it was my turn.
The parents took turns transporting them and today it was my turn.
** "Yes," I said.(comma, not period) "He's Bobby's best friend."
**"Yes, then what,(question mark, not comma)" I said.
**I think the line 'An intern took us to the side an hour later:' should be moved down to the next paragraph (and also use a comma not : )
ORIGINAL-
I told Pat things would be okay, but I knew I was lying. I wasn't sure of anything. Nobody seemed to be. I suspected the worst, even though some nurses tried to assure me otherwise. An intern took us to the side an hour later:
"We've been waiting for the swelling to come down.
Suggestion-
I told Pat things would be okay, but I knew I was lying. I wasn't sure of anything. Nobody seemed to be. I suspected the worst, even though some nurses tried to assure me otherwise.
An intern took us to the side an hour later and said, "We've been waiting for the swelling to come down...
**
The way my boy looked, the bleeding . . . the entire situation was like being in the middle of an horrible nightmare . . . one where waking up was not an option, or if you woke up(COMMA) you would face the worst.
**
I'd make this two sentences instead of one long one-
Staying next door at Ronald McDonald house, we tried to sleep and waited for anything positive, but three long days later(comma) doctors took us in to (into) a private room.
EDIT suggestion-
Staying next door at Ronald McDonald house, we tried to sleep and waited for anything positive. But three long days later, doctors took us into a private room.
**They(YOu must give the subject, as this is a new paragraph. I suggest saying "MANY CAME...) came to see him, to offer their love and respect.
Many came to see him to offer their love and respect.
** The December sun was shining that second day of December 1981.
Here, you use the word December twice in a row. Also, I am not sure, but I think you need a comma in the date?
SUGGESTION-
The sun was shining that second day of December, 1981.
**(TOUCHING LINE)
Pat and I sat in the front row, leaning upon one another like wilted flowers.
**Her head tilted to the side, lying on my shoulder, my arm was wrapped around her trembling shoulders.
Maybe better as two sentences? Also, try to avoid passive voice.
Her head tilted to the side, lying on my shoulder. My arm wrapped around her trembling shoulders.
** In this case, I think two sentences works well but not using the gerund-which i grammatically incorrect.
I held a trembling, sobbing Pat in my arms. My own tears wetting her forehead.
Suggestion-
I held a trembling, sobbing Pat in my arms. My own tears wet her forehead.
Again, I commend you for sharing this tragic story son opening and in such vivid detail.
Blessings and Prayers to you.
Warm Regards,
rama devi
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2009
|
Second review
Thanks for letting me know you made all those edits, dear Bob.
First review (Four stars)
Thank you for sharing this very tragic tale. I was moved to tears at the end, especially when the father gave his condolences and very wise words about finding the positive and having been to the top of the mountain.
The closing is heart wrenching and I am so sorry you've had to experience losing an only child. The father is right, there is no worse pain than that.
But it is also true, as Kahlil Gibran so poetically wrote 'The more deeply pain carves into our being, the more joy we can contain"....Not sure if those were his exact words, but the meaning is the same.
I like how you introduced this with a few anecdotes of other events in your life, to paint a clear contrast and affirm the notion that this was the most defining event.
I am sure this was cathartic to write.
Find a whole bunch of tiny nits and suggestions to make, but they are all so minor that i think they only add up to discounting one star, as the deep emotional content of this makes up for any typos or awkward phrasing.
MY REVIEWING NOTES IN DETAIL-
**I think it makes more sense-in terms of fluid flow and transitions-to switch the order of these two paragraphs-
I would probably be wise to say my life changed when I married my current wife who is the love of my life. But, one thing above all others made me the man I am today because it changed my outlook on life.
True, our lives are molded by multitudes of events -- both good and bad. We try to remember the good things and purposely shove the unpleasant ones out of our minds. Those that we attempt to dismiss, however, are the happenings we will never forget.
**THis is a great line, but is also missing a comma-
It was as if heaven played my song that morning when the doctor came out and said(COMMA) "Congratulations, Mr. Hartson, you have a son."
** Speaking of transitions, these two lines come a bit abruptly and the second sentence is awkwardly phrased, in my opinion.
All was not good however, because we were later informed that due to certain "female problems", my wife would not be allowed a second pregnancy. Further, adoption laws were more strict in those days so we decided not to go there.
Suggestion
All was not good however, because we were later informed that due to certain "female problems", my wife would not be allowed a second pregnancy. We later learned adoption laws were more strict in those days so we decided not consider that option.
**Here, I think you have used the word THAT in an awkward manner...
That Saturday morning, after Thanksgiving day in 1981, I drove Bobby and four kids on his bowling team to the bowling alley for their Saturday morning league.
I'd start it differently-
On the Saturday morning after Thanksgiving day in 1981,
or -"The next Saturday"
**Slight suggestion to alter this line-
The parents took turns transporting them and it was my turn.
The parents took turns transporting them and today it was my turn.
** "Yes," I said.(comma, not period) "He's Bobby's best friend."
**"Yes, then what,(question mark, not comma)" I said.
**I think the line 'An intern took us to the side an hour later:' should be moved down to the next paragraph (and also use a comma not : )
ORIGINAL-
I told Pat things would be okay, but I knew I was lying. I wasn't sure of anything. Nobody seemed to be. I suspected the worst, even though some nurses tried to assure me otherwise. An intern took us to the side an hour later:
"We've been waiting for the swelling to come down.
Suggestion-
I told Pat things would be okay, but I knew I was lying. I wasn't sure of anything. Nobody seemed to be. I suspected the worst, even though some nurses tried to assure me otherwise.
An intern took us to the side an hour later and said, "We've been waiting for the swelling to come down...
**
The way my boy looked, the bleeding . . . the entire situation was like being in the middle of an horrible nightmare . . . one where waking up was not an option, or if you woke up(COMMA) you would face the worst.
**
I'd make this two sentences instead of one long one-
Staying next door at Ronald McDonald house, we tried to sleep and waited for anything positive, but three long days later(comma) doctors took us in to (into) a private room.
EDIT suggestion-
Staying next door at Ronald McDonald house, we tried to sleep and waited for anything positive. But three long days later, doctors took us into a private room.
**They(YOu must give the subject, as this is a new paragraph. I suggest saying "MANY CAME...) came to see him, to offer their love and respect.
Many came to see him to offer their love and respect.
** The December sun was shining that second day of December 1981.
Here, you use the word December twice in a row. Also, I am not sure, but I think you need a comma in the date?
SUGGESTION-
The sun was shining that second day of December, 1981.
**(TOUCHING LINE)
Pat and I sat in the front row, leaning upon one another like wilted flowers.
**Her head tilted to the side, lying on my shoulder, my arm was wrapped around her trembling shoulders.
Maybe better as two sentences? Also, try to avoid passive voice.
Her head tilted to the side, lying on my shoulder. My arm wrapped around her trembling shoulders.
** In this case, I think two sentences works well but not using the gerund-which i grammatically incorrect.
I held a trembling, sobbing Pat in my arms. My own tears wetting her forehead.
Suggestion-
I held a trembling, sobbing Pat in my arms. My own tears wet her forehead.
Again, I commend you for sharing this tragic story son opening and in such vivid detail.
Blessings and Prayers to you.
Warm Regards,
rama devi
Comment Written 27-Sep-2009
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2009
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Thank you, rama...I went ahead and changed most everything per your suggestions...No matter the subject material, I still like my writing to be the best possible, always..XX Bob
Comment from lerkun
Hello Bob, what a dreadfully heartwrenching story of loss, I'm sorry Bob this must have and still must hurt like hell can't.. couple of items for perusal below
b well
K
he middle of an horrible nightmare . < a horrible
doctors took us in to a private room. < into
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2009
|
Hello Bob, what a dreadfully heartwrenching story of loss, I'm sorry Bob this must have and still must hurt like hell can't.. couple of items for perusal below
b well
K
he middle of an horrible nightmare . < a horrible
doctors took us in to a private room. < into
Comment Written 27-Sep-2009
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2009
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Thank you, lerkun...Changes noted and changed Bob