Looking for Orion - 2
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "In the Beginning - part 1"Brothers fight for faith ... and for their lives.
10 total reviews
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
Hi Debora, I thought I'd repay the compliment and read your story. Well, I think I'll be sticking around now! I think you have posted this part twice, I did a double take thinking I'd already read it! lol. Onwards! :)) Sandra
reply by the author on 02-Jun-2020
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Hi Debora, I thought I'd repay the compliment and read your story. Well, I think I'll be sticking around now! I think you have posted this part twice, I did a double take thinking I'd already read it! lol. Onwards! :)) Sandra
Comment Written 02-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 02-Jun-2020
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Up-oh...I"ll go take the second one off. :) I bet that looked LOOOOOONNNNGGG. lol
I'm glad you've joined us.
Be blessed,
DEb
Comment from sherrygreywolf
I think I need to read the rest of this - this beginning is good! Wonderful use of descriptors. Love this - "Reverberating thunder rumbled like a long, unsettled growl from the throat of an ancient, unseen spirit-beast."
You do need to fix the typo here "It was a single day tnat (that) nearly broke Jack."
reply by the author on 02-Jun-2020
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I think I need to read the rest of this - this beginning is good! Wonderful use of descriptors. Love this - "Reverberating thunder rumbled like a long, unsettled growl from the throat of an ancient, unseen spirit-beast."
You do need to fix the typo here "It was a single day tnat (that) nearly broke Jack."
Comment Written 02-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 02-Jun-2020
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Augh! I already 'fixed' that once. Guess I still messed it up in the fix. lol. Stupid fingers cannot keep up with what's going on in the brain, which is listening to TV while I type. lol
Comment from Precious Owuamalam
Beautiful story line Dear Deb, beautiful. I just love how you put pen to paper. The aftermath is just always a wonder to behold. Beautiful yet again , I say.
There a just few things you may want to look into:
In: It was a single day tnat nearly broke Jack. I guess you meant "that."
Again,
The whole of this section is repeated (guess it was an oversight);
Some days never go away. Every sound, every smell, each item seen or touched stays. It never changes, it never fades. Those are the days that make or break a person.
It was a single day nearly broke Jack.
A thunderstorm and its accompanying cold rain, not at all unusual for mid-November, blew in early that Monday morning. Lightning darted and zigzagged across the predawn sky, momentarily lighting ominous clouds. Reverberating thunder rumbled like a long, unsettled growl from the throat of an ancient, unseen spirit-beast. By five o'clock that evening early darkness had fallen, intensifying the chill in already cold, still air. The rain had stopped, but loud raindrops dripped leisurely off of tree limbs and eaves, creating a soft, rhythmic solo. Its pulsing was joined by a chorus of crickets stationed randomly
around each house, interrupted only occasionally by traffic splashing down the road or horns from the miles-away highway.
One house in particular looked deceptively dark and half-asleep. The white Texas stone had turned to desert sand in the early night. One light burned in the kitchen window and another on the porch. The curtained living room window flickered with the alternately bright and dim lights of the television. With football in the air, and on the screen of nearly every house in town, it would've been unusual for the TV to be off on this night. Consequently, the set had been turned on, but it entertained no one; it sat mostly unnoticed and muted. More than a dozen cars, all except Jack's Bronco and
Laine's Taurus, were hidden carefully on neighboring streets and driveways. It looked like any other night on the quiet street. All signs of excitement and surprise were hidden within the walls of the peaceful looking home.
Jack surveyed the house from his marshy front yard. He nodded, satisfied his brother would pull up to the house none the wiser and walk into the surprise of his life.
Jack had dressed for the surprise party pretty much the way Jack always dressed: in an ecru colored cotton sweater,
boot cut blue jeans and white running shoes. He wore sneakers with everything from jeans, to his one and only suit, to his dress pants and pearl-snap shirt. His wife complained it made him look like, at any minute he may burst into a brisk run. She had, on several occasions, purchased dress shoes for her wayward husband, to no avail. Jack was comfortable in his shoes and, besides he reasoned, there was no telling when a man might need to run.
He glanced up the street one final time, frowning against the gathering gloom. He examined the intersection and streets leading into the subdivision for one specific set of lights, fairly certain he wouldn't recognize them if he saw them. The hoped-for headlights, or any headlights for that matter, failed to cut through the blanket of nightfall.
Jack tried to imagine himself as his brother, pulling up next to the curb after a long workday, hurrying to the house because he was late for dinner again. The slight sounds of party guests that escaped the house could be attributed to TV noise, he decided. He looked again at the house for anything that might give the surprise away. Finding none, he stuffed his hands into the pockets of his jeans and sauntered back to the house, careful to miss the worst of the mud and puddles as he walked. Laine would take his head if he tracked up her floors just in time for a party.
The inside of the house proved to be as tumultuous as the outside had been peaceful. The noise hit Jack like a blast from an oven door opened suddenly after a day of baking. Men's deep throated conversations, women's quiet laughter, the almost shrill excitement of children playing in the adjoining den all made for a joyous cacophony that left Jack smiling as he closed the door behind him.
Laine smiled across the room at him and he returned her greeting warmly. She had been his high school sweetheart, his bride, the mother of his child. He still found her breathtaking. He didn't believe his heart was coloring his vision; he'd seen the appreciative looks she received from men on their evenings out, and the openly jealous stares from some of their women. She was tall, although she didn't look so next to him. She managed to maintain a trim figure, primarily by chasing a classroom full of kindergartners from August until May, and by keeping up with their 12-year-old son, Travis. She wore her brown hair curled and short and, although she tied it back, it continually bounced loose of the band, making her look younger than her 36 years. The hair framed a flawless, heart shaped face. Her eyes, a pale green-gray, still softened when she looked at her husband. Jack believed, had she not married him, a plainspoken, unpretentious cop, she would have been a famous model. Or perhaps, watching her animated delivery of fairly simple information to her students, he thought, an Oscar-level actress.
He began to thread his way through the crowd toward her. She glanced away from him, but her gaze was drawn back in his direction. She intentionally looked away, then met his eyes again. A tiny smile played across her mouth and through her eyes. He returned her teasing look, suddenly and unexpectedly anxious to be next to her. He would only take her hand in his and squeeze it softly, but the thought of even that innocent contact caused him to quicken his step.
His mother's voice floated in from the kitchen. "Oh, no! That's not Cody, is it?"
"Too early, Rachel," one of the party guests replied over the din.
"Is Pam finally back?" she called again.
"It's me, Mom," Jack called, his low voice cutting through the chatter like a sharp knife.
Pam should have been back already, he thought, examining the inside of his home as he made his way past friends and family toward his prize. It had been transformed into party central, not by magic, but by an afternoon's focused effort by his wife and sister-in-law. Navy, helium-filled balloons bobbed at the ceiling, and dark blue crepe paper covered everything. A table full of brightly wrapped packages, cups and a punch-bowl of pale green something-with-ice-cream-floating-in-it awaited the arrival of an equally decorated cake. Pam had rushed out over an hour ago to fetch the dessert, and for Michael and Katie, who she'd left for the afternoon with a friend. Cody had been ordered to meet his family at Jack and Laine's house "for dinner" after his shift ended. It would be a minor disaster if he arrived before the cake, not to mention his wife and children.
Jack's sister-in-law planned this little get-together, and pitched it to him and Laine with eagerness. The surprise would not just be Cody's birthday party one week early, she'd explained, but the odd assortment of gifts he would be opening. Diapers, rattles, wipes and baby clothes would all be wrapped as birthday gifts for him, and set the stage for the bigger surprise. It was a crazy idea, but that was Pam, Jack thought.
When she'd presented the plan to Jack and Laine the week before, Pam almost burst with excitement.
"After all," she'd beamed, "How often do I get to give him a baby for his birthday?"
reply by the author on 30-May-2020
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Beautiful story line Dear Deb, beautiful. I just love how you put pen to paper. The aftermath is just always a wonder to behold. Beautiful yet again , I say.
There a just few things you may want to look into:
In: It was a single day tnat nearly broke Jack. I guess you meant "that."
Again,
The whole of this section is repeated (guess it was an oversight);
Some days never go away. Every sound, every smell, each item seen or touched stays. It never changes, it never fades. Those are the days that make or break a person.
It was a single day nearly broke Jack.
A thunderstorm and its accompanying cold rain, not at all unusual for mid-November, blew in early that Monday morning. Lightning darted and zigzagged across the predawn sky, momentarily lighting ominous clouds. Reverberating thunder rumbled like a long, unsettled growl from the throat of an ancient, unseen spirit-beast. By five o'clock that evening early darkness had fallen, intensifying the chill in already cold, still air. The rain had stopped, but loud raindrops dripped leisurely off of tree limbs and eaves, creating a soft, rhythmic solo. Its pulsing was joined by a chorus of crickets stationed randomly
around each house, interrupted only occasionally by traffic splashing down the road or horns from the miles-away highway.
One house in particular looked deceptively dark and half-asleep. The white Texas stone had turned to desert sand in the early night. One light burned in the kitchen window and another on the porch. The curtained living room window flickered with the alternately bright and dim lights of the television. With football in the air, and on the screen of nearly every house in town, it would've been unusual for the TV to be off on this night. Consequently, the set had been turned on, but it entertained no one; it sat mostly unnoticed and muted. More than a dozen cars, all except Jack's Bronco and
Laine's Taurus, were hidden carefully on neighboring streets and driveways. It looked like any other night on the quiet street. All signs of excitement and surprise were hidden within the walls of the peaceful looking home.
Jack surveyed the house from his marshy front yard. He nodded, satisfied his brother would pull up to the house none the wiser and walk into the surprise of his life.
Jack had dressed for the surprise party pretty much the way Jack always dressed: in an ecru colored cotton sweater,
boot cut blue jeans and white running shoes. He wore sneakers with everything from jeans, to his one and only suit, to his dress pants and pearl-snap shirt. His wife complained it made him look like, at any minute he may burst into a brisk run. She had, on several occasions, purchased dress shoes for her wayward husband, to no avail. Jack was comfortable in his shoes and, besides he reasoned, there was no telling when a man might need to run.
He glanced up the street one final time, frowning against the gathering gloom. He examined the intersection and streets leading into the subdivision for one specific set of lights, fairly certain he wouldn't recognize them if he saw them. The hoped-for headlights, or any headlights for that matter, failed to cut through the blanket of nightfall.
Jack tried to imagine himself as his brother, pulling up next to the curb after a long workday, hurrying to the house because he was late for dinner again. The slight sounds of party guests that escaped the house could be attributed to TV noise, he decided. He looked again at the house for anything that might give the surprise away. Finding none, he stuffed his hands into the pockets of his jeans and sauntered back to the house, careful to miss the worst of the mud and puddles as he walked. Laine would take his head if he tracked up her floors just in time for a party.
The inside of the house proved to be as tumultuous as the outside had been peaceful. The noise hit Jack like a blast from an oven door opened suddenly after a day of baking. Men's deep throated conversations, women's quiet laughter, the almost shrill excitement of children playing in the adjoining den all made for a joyous cacophony that left Jack smiling as he closed the door behind him.
Laine smiled across the room at him and he returned her greeting warmly. She had been his high school sweetheart, his bride, the mother of his child. He still found her breathtaking. He didn't believe his heart was coloring his vision; he'd seen the appreciative looks she received from men on their evenings out, and the openly jealous stares from some of their women. She was tall, although she didn't look so next to him. She managed to maintain a trim figure, primarily by chasing a classroom full of kindergartners from August until May, and by keeping up with their 12-year-old son, Travis. She wore her brown hair curled and short and, although she tied it back, it continually bounced loose of the band, making her look younger than her 36 years. The hair framed a flawless, heart shaped face. Her eyes, a pale green-gray, still softened when she looked at her husband. Jack believed, had she not married him, a plainspoken, unpretentious cop, she would have been a famous model. Or perhaps, watching her animated delivery of fairly simple information to her students, he thought, an Oscar-level actress.
He began to thread his way through the crowd toward her. She glanced away from him, but her gaze was drawn back in his direction. She intentionally looked away, then met his eyes again. A tiny smile played across her mouth and through her eyes. He returned her teasing look, suddenly and unexpectedly anxious to be next to her. He would only take her hand in his and squeeze it softly, but the thought of even that innocent contact caused him to quicken his step.
His mother's voice floated in from the kitchen. "Oh, no! That's not Cody, is it?"
"Too early, Rachel," one of the party guests replied over the din.
"Is Pam finally back?" she called again.
"It's me, Mom," Jack called, his low voice cutting through the chatter like a sharp knife.
Pam should have been back already, he thought, examining the inside of his home as he made his way past friends and family toward his prize. It had been transformed into party central, not by magic, but by an afternoon's focused effort by his wife and sister-in-law. Navy, helium-filled balloons bobbed at the ceiling, and dark blue crepe paper covered everything. A table full of brightly wrapped packages, cups and a punch-bowl of pale green something-with-ice-cream-floating-in-it awaited the arrival of an equally decorated cake. Pam had rushed out over an hour ago to fetch the dessert, and for Michael and Katie, who she'd left for the afternoon with a friend. Cody had been ordered to meet his family at Jack and Laine's house "for dinner" after his shift ended. It would be a minor disaster if he arrived before the cake, not to mention his wife and children.
Jack's sister-in-law planned this little get-together, and pitched it to him and Laine with eagerness. The surprise would not just be Cody's birthday party one week early, she'd explained, but the odd assortment of gifts he would be opening. Diapers, rattles, wipes and baby clothes would all be wrapped as birthday gifts for him, and set the stage for the bigger surprise. It was a crazy idea, but that was Pam, Jack thought.
When she'd presented the plan to Jack and Laine the week before, Pam almost burst with excitement.
"After all," she'd beamed, "How often do I get to give him a baby for his birthday?"
Comment Written 30-May-2020
reply by the author on 30-May-2020
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Did I double post the whold dad-burned thing? Darn! I'll go take a look.
Thank you!!
Blessings,
Deb
Comment from lyenochka
With the title, I was expecting a retelling of Genesis.
So Jack and Cody are brothers. Jack is married to Laine and Cody is married to Pam, who is expecting? You are covering a lot of information, relationships and setting detail all at once.
This post makes me feel like I'm being set up for something bad to happen. It starts out rather ponderous and reflective. Is that the impact you wanted on the reader?
I feel like I have too much detail in places. I don't think it helped me to know all the clothing details. At least, that's how I feel as this is a very long post. If you were to re-write this part as a flash fiction, what would you leave out?
"stationed randomly" (extra spaces follow this)
"except Jack's Bronco and" (also here and other places so you need to get rid of the invisible "next line" character that's chopping up your sentences.)
"It was a single day nearly broke Jack." (that nearly broke Jack?)
"cutting through the chatter like a sharp knife." (It's a clear simile but it made me wonder if something awful was going to happen. Maybe that's what you wanted.)
reply by the author on 29-May-2020
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With the title, I was expecting a retelling of Genesis.
So Jack and Cody are brothers. Jack is married to Laine and Cody is married to Pam, who is expecting? You are covering a lot of information, relationships and setting detail all at once.
This post makes me feel like I'm being set up for something bad to happen. It starts out rather ponderous and reflective. Is that the impact you wanted on the reader?
I feel like I have too much detail in places. I don't think it helped me to know all the clothing details. At least, that's how I feel as this is a very long post. If you were to re-write this part as a flash fiction, what would you leave out?
"stationed randomly" (extra spaces follow this)
"except Jack's Bronco and" (also here and other places so you need to get rid of the invisible "next line" character that's chopping up your sentences.)
"It was a single day nearly broke Jack." (that nearly broke Jack?)
"cutting through the chatter like a sharp knife." (It's a clear simile but it made me wonder if something awful was going to happen. Maybe that's what you wanted.)
Comment Written 29-May-2020
reply by the author on 29-May-2020
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Okay, so I read your review for the next part first.
That's what I wondered about -- is this section too cumbersome?
I"ll look and probably rework it. I am a super detail oriented person and Jack, being a detective (not quite the 'plainspoken cop' he thinks of hiself) is, as well. I guess I was trying to convey that.
The clothing would go if it were flash fiction. The house description, too. I do want him to be konown by the reader because in the next chapter and through the book, we need to see his drastic change. But does it slow the read down so much I'll lose readers? That's my quandry.
And it's far too late for me to be trying to make an intelligent comment or think a clear thought! lol. lol. I'll look at this again after the sun comes up tomorrow!
Thank you for making me think!
Deb
Comment from Margaret Bednar
A great lead-in introducing us to the characters. The stage has been set well.
"It was a single day tnat nearly broke Jack." (that)
His wife complained it made him look like, (at any minute) he may burst into a brisk run (at any minute.) ? Does this sound better at the end?
"fairly certain he wouldn't recognize them if he saw them." Woudn't recognize them or would?
Lots of Jacks, Hes and Shes, Thes beginning the sentences. Its up to you, but I went to a writing conference once that really had us do away with half of these beginnings and mix it up with alternative beginnings.
With eagerness, Jack's sister-in-law pitched this little get-together. (just an example)
reply by the author on 28-May-2020
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A great lead-in introducing us to the characters. The stage has been set well.
"It was a single day tnat nearly broke Jack." (that)
His wife complained it made him look like, (at any minute) he may burst into a brisk run (at any minute.) ? Does this sound better at the end?
"fairly certain he wouldn't recognize them if he saw them." Woudn't recognize them or would?
Lots of Jacks, Hes and Shes, Thes beginning the sentences. Its up to you, but I went to a writing conference once that really had us do away with half of these beginnings and mix it up with alternative beginnings.
With eagerness, Jack's sister-in-law pitched this little get-together. (just an example)
Comment Written 28-May-2020
reply by the author on 28-May-2020
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Thank you, Margaret, for your catches and for your suggestion! Very helpful. I'll go take another look. Lots of Jacks ? that could be a problem for more reasons than one! :)
Blessings,
Deb
Comment from Puzzle
I wish I was familiar with this story. I am not. But it seems pretty good. As I am reading this I am starting to wish I paid more attention when I was learning vocabulary! Holy cow are your descriptions written so beautifully! Your verbiage is out of this world. I guess I should stick to writing books for twelve year olds! lol. So after I read your authors notes I was wondering if the darkness has to do with the baby she's speaking of? Maybe it's not his? And their was a lot of description going on about his wife. So maybe she's having an affair with his brother? So many possibilities! lol. i like this story!
reply by the author on 28-May-2020
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I wish I was familiar with this story. I am not. But it seems pretty good. As I am reading this I am starting to wish I paid more attention when I was learning vocabulary! Holy cow are your descriptions written so beautifully! Your verbiage is out of this world. I guess I should stick to writing books for twelve year olds! lol. So after I read your authors notes I was wondering if the darkness has to do with the baby she's speaking of? Maybe it's not his? And their was a lot of description going on about his wife. So maybe she's having an affair with his brother? So many possibilities! lol. i like this story!
Comment Written 28-May-2020
reply by the author on 28-May-2020
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lol. NOpe, no affairs.
I'm actually worried that this starts too slowly. When I wrote it the first time the tragedy had already happened and Jack was thinking back on it while talking to Cody. NOt sure I like this beginning, and am considering scrapping it. I guess I need to decide...
But thank you for the review! It's tough breaking a chapter up into tiny parts like this. Wish I could put the whole first chapter up, but it's just over 3000 words and NOT a soul would read it for member pennies. lol
You have a great Thursday. I get to go to a Kindergarten graduation tonight where we sit in our cars until our child is called, get out as she walks up to get her 'diploma' and then cheer like crazies for a few seconds. Sounds great, huh. But then ? a Texas style bbq! SO w worth it! :)
Have a good one, blessings,
Deb
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hahaha maybe that?s why i only get like 5 reviews on each chapter i write lol. 2500 words is a lot for .30! lol.
I am working on chapter 7 now as I procrastinate and write to you. lol. I?m halfway done. My goal this weekend is to finish 7 and 8.
I?m staring to panic because it?s already June. I want this written before school starts up again in the beginning of september.
I have ADD. I have a horrible habit of starting things and not finishing. lol. this will get finished and perfected as much as I can. i?m on a mission lol.
i actually loved what you wrote. it was really good. i was actually looking forward to the next part lol. that?s so funny that you aren?t happy with it!
i never had texas bbq. actually i?m making ribs today. well, heating up pre made ones i bought from the store. that?s how we do it in chicago. well, how i do it lol. enjoy that graduation and delicious food!!!
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Gotta admit ? Someitmes that's how we do ribs in Texas, too! HA! Just gets to be a lot some days to heat up the grill and get it all out (again!)
I have mild ADD, too. I have SOOO many things started. That's my goal for the year -- finish what I've started here and other places. That was why I HAD to finish the zombie book. I submitted it to Simon& Shuster today, btw. I'm anxious and telling myself it doesn't matter. But of course ?
You're not going to like the next bit of Orion. It's hard. I had a friend who started reading it when I first wrote it. Her son had been having severe asthma attacks for a few days and I'd honestly forgotten I gave her the manuscript to read. I come in fro the store to a red blinking light on my answering machine. (Are you old enough to remember answering machines?) Anyway, it's her. She's crying hysterically, and I'm thinking it's her little boy, trying to figure out how to get to her, etc. Then she says, "I cannot, CANNOT read this damn book! It's making me cry! I couldn't even cook dinner tonight!"
Turns out, her best friend had been killed by a robber at an ATM. I had no idea. Oops. Just gave something away...
So why do you need to finish your book this summer? Are you a student or a teacher?
D
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omg. that?s making me think now. i?m gonna read what u posted in the morning. Did you have an editor and line editor read your zombie book before you submitted it? My friend said i need to do that.
i am a seca. i work with children with special needs. mostly LD. Kids with ADD like myself , Autism, ODD, behavioral disorders. I also do the school musicals with my brother in law who is a music teacher at the school down the block. we combined both schools for the program. my sister is a teacher, kg. I have a bachelors degree art specializing in television production. so now i work at a school lmao.
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You jest. You're kidding, right?
I was a spec ed teacher. I worked with severely/profoundly disabled kids, though. My kids had the IQ of a bag of hammers (bad joke, yep), they were blind, MR, ED and, usually, had some other physical disability. I haven't taught in years, though. Well, that's not true. I subbed a lot for a while, then taught in a pre-school setting. I still teach at our church, but it's so hard with all the paperwork for special ed. It just became more than I could hope to do with my vision issues. One wrong mark on a paper made a difference in such a lot of things that affected my students ? and by the time I paid for daycare for my 3, bus fare to get across Austin and s paid my teacher's aid a bit to elp with the paperwork, I was making a grand total of .83 per hour. Not really, of course, but it did cut in quite a bit to the whole reason I was working.
I was raised by a music evangelist (my dad) and my sister is a retired usic teacher.
It is a small world! lol
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Ha! Well that?s some crazy stuff. And don?t worry about the bad jokes. When you are in this field, you have to joke around. Otherwise it can get really depressing. And it is so scary how low these kids are. I always thought I was so dumb. I honestly didn?t realize how much potential I actually had until I had this job. I try to explain to my own kids all the time how lucky they are that they are able to learn in a normal setting.
The Sped teachers here make good money. They start at around 60K a year. They top out around 110k. But when you live in Chicago everything is super expensive. I?m just a SECA so I don?t make that much lol. I make more because i have a degree. That was one of the things I got out of the strike this past fall. I can?t be a teacher unless I go back and get my master?s degree or a teaching certification.
I can?t right now. My kids need me too much. Maybe when I?m 45. But honestly I?d rather write. Even if I?m not great at it , I?m more passionate about it than if I was a teacher. I am just being honest.
Omg see what happens when I write you while drinking morning coffee!!! hahahaha. ok now time to finish up chapter 7!
Comment from Mary Furlong
I am not an old-timer, so this was all new to me. I really enjoyed reading it. The first few paragraphs imply that this will be a mystery. In fact, I think that I would stop at the end of those first paragraphs and make them a chapter of their own. Just a thought.
reply by the author on 28-May-2020
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I am not an old-timer, so this was all new to me. I really enjoyed reading it. The first few paragraphs imply that this will be a mystery. In fact, I think that I would stop at the end of those first paragraphs and make them a chapter of their own. Just a thought.
Comment Written 28-May-2020
reply by the author on 28-May-2020
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Hi Mary. Thank you for the thoughts and review.
I listen to books on tape due to a vision impairment. But back in the day, when I read print, chapters for adult books were longer. Is that no longer the case? I'll do some investigation and see. :)
Thank you again and blessings,
Deb
Comment from robyn corum
Deb,
A great beginning to your story. It's clear you are laying out a picture-perfect scene of love and family. There is also that note of tension coursing beneath because we already know heartache is coming - since you've revealed this day will cause Jack much pain. Most readers are probably already guessing at what the tragedy is. I know I am!
But there are several places I noted things might be improved for clarity and etc. I made notes but, as usual, you are welcome to use or toss, as you like. *smile*
Notes:
1.) It was a single day (that) nearly broke Jack.
2.) Lightning darted and zigzagged across the predawn sky,
--> same thing - 'dashed', maybe to show quickness instead of movement?
3.) BTW can you increase the font? So helpful!
4.) Lightning darted and zigzagged across the predawn sky, momentarily (illuminating) ominous clouds.
--> to avoid using the same root word- 'light'
5.) With football in the air, and on the screen(s) of nearly every house in town,
--> multiple houses = multiple screens
6.) Jack had dressed for the surprise party pretty much the way Jack always dressed:
--> leave out 'surprise' this time
--> Jack would not refer to himself as Jack *smile*
--> Jack had dressed for the party pretty much the way he always did:
--> Jack was dressed in his usual attire:
7.) in an ecru colored cotton sweater,
--> leave out 'colored'
8.) His wife complained it made him look like, at any minute he (might) burst into a brisk run.
--> no comma
9.) Jack was comfortable in his shoes and, besides he reasoned, there was no telling when a man might need to run.
--> Jack opted for comfort and besides, there was no telling when a man might need to run.
--> because you don't have to tell us when he thinks - you make it clear enough
10.) The noise hit Jack like a blast from an oven door opened suddenly after a day of baking.
--> cool metaphor
11.) Men's deep(-)throated conversations, women's
12.) excitement of children playing in the adjoining den(,) all made for a joyous
13.) that left Jack smiling as he (entered and) closed the door behind him.
14.) Laine smiled across the room at him and he returned her greeting warmly.
--> you may be going for tender, but this actually sounds very distant
--> Laine smiled at him from across the room and he returned her greeting with a wink
15.) She had been his high school sweetheart, his bride, the mother of his child.
--> She (was) his high school sweetheart, his bride, the mother of his child.
--> since she is still alive and this in an ongoing situation
16.) He still found her breathtaking. He didn't believe his heart was coloring his vision; he'd seen the appreciative looks
--> He still found her breathtaking. He knew others did as well because he'd grown used to the appreciative looks
17.) She glanced away from him, but her gaze was drawn back in his direction. She intentionally looked away, then met his eyes again.
--> sounds like she's doing this repeatedly and that's a bit weird
--> perhaps 'He could tell she was trying to maintain her conversation with Margaret but couldn't help the fact that her eyes keep returning to him' or something like that - you can do better than my suggestion, I'm sure
18.) he thought, examining the inside of his home as he made his way past friends and family toward his prize.
--> I see what you're trying to do - set up a scene where Jack's life seems perfect until IT happens... but you are making his sound a bit ... different. Most men are not going to notice all these details so minutely. Right? Or else, they might notice one or two things, but you have him focusing intently on every detail. I would back off a bit to maintain that 'aloof guy' thing -- though I do get that he's a cop and would be a BIT more likely to notice things - just be careful not to go overboard?
19.) Navy, helium [d-filled - we get this part] balloons bobbed (toward) the ceiling,
20.) Navy, helium-filled balloons bobbed at the ceiling, and dark blue crepe paper (seemed to cover) everything
--> or you have the house/room literally COVERED
21.) Pam had rushed out over an hour ago to fetch the dessert, and for Michael and Katie, who she'd left for the afternoon with a friend.
--> Cody's wife, Pam, had rushed out over an hour ago to fetch the dessert and their kids, Michael and Katie, who'd been left for the afternoon with a friend.
22.) "After all," she'd beamed, "(h)ow often do I get to give him a baby for his birthday?"
23.) Helpful to add a notation of some sort at the bottom to distinguish between story and notes -- like:
***
Really good beginning and you have me curious about what happens next. I offer you the best praise a writer can get -- I would have turned the page to see what happens next. *smile*
Thanks so much!
reply by the author on 28-May-2020
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Deb,
A great beginning to your story. It's clear you are laying out a picture-perfect scene of love and family. There is also that note of tension coursing beneath because we already know heartache is coming - since you've revealed this day will cause Jack much pain. Most readers are probably already guessing at what the tragedy is. I know I am!
But there are several places I noted things might be improved for clarity and etc. I made notes but, as usual, you are welcome to use or toss, as you like. *smile*
Notes:
1.) It was a single day (that) nearly broke Jack.
2.) Lightning darted and zigzagged across the predawn sky,
--> same thing - 'dashed', maybe to show quickness instead of movement?
3.) BTW can you increase the font? So helpful!
4.) Lightning darted and zigzagged across the predawn sky, momentarily (illuminating) ominous clouds.
--> to avoid using the same root word- 'light'
5.) With football in the air, and on the screen(s) of nearly every house in town,
--> multiple houses = multiple screens
6.) Jack had dressed for the surprise party pretty much the way Jack always dressed:
--> leave out 'surprise' this time
--> Jack would not refer to himself as Jack *smile*
--> Jack had dressed for the party pretty much the way he always did:
--> Jack was dressed in his usual attire:
7.) in an ecru colored cotton sweater,
--> leave out 'colored'
8.) His wife complained it made him look like, at any minute he (might) burst into a brisk run.
--> no comma
9.) Jack was comfortable in his shoes and, besides he reasoned, there was no telling when a man might need to run.
--> Jack opted for comfort and besides, there was no telling when a man might need to run.
--> because you don't have to tell us when he thinks - you make it clear enough
10.) The noise hit Jack like a blast from an oven door opened suddenly after a day of baking.
--> cool metaphor
11.) Men's deep(-)throated conversations, women's
12.) excitement of children playing in the adjoining den(,) all made for a joyous
13.) that left Jack smiling as he (entered and) closed the door behind him.
14.) Laine smiled across the room at him and he returned her greeting warmly.
--> you may be going for tender, but this actually sounds very distant
--> Laine smiled at him from across the room and he returned her greeting with a wink
15.) She had been his high school sweetheart, his bride, the mother of his child.
--> She (was) his high school sweetheart, his bride, the mother of his child.
--> since she is still alive and this in an ongoing situation
16.) He still found her breathtaking. He didn't believe his heart was coloring his vision; he'd seen the appreciative looks
--> He still found her breathtaking. He knew others did as well because he'd grown used to the appreciative looks
17.) She glanced away from him, but her gaze was drawn back in his direction. She intentionally looked away, then met his eyes again.
--> sounds like she's doing this repeatedly and that's a bit weird
--> perhaps 'He could tell she was trying to maintain her conversation with Margaret but couldn't help the fact that her eyes keep returning to him' or something like that - you can do better than my suggestion, I'm sure
18.) he thought, examining the inside of his home as he made his way past friends and family toward his prize.
--> I see what you're trying to do - set up a scene where Jack's life seems perfect until IT happens... but you are making his sound a bit ... different. Most men are not going to notice all these details so minutely. Right? Or else, they might notice one or two things, but you have him focusing intently on every detail. I would back off a bit to maintain that 'aloof guy' thing -- though I do get that he's a cop and would be a BIT more likely to notice things - just be careful not to go overboard?
19.) Navy, helium [d-filled - we get this part] balloons bobbed (toward) the ceiling,
20.) Navy, helium-filled balloons bobbed at the ceiling, and dark blue crepe paper (seemed to cover) everything
--> or you have the house/room literally COVERED
21.) Pam had rushed out over an hour ago to fetch the dessert, and for Michael and Katie, who she'd left for the afternoon with a friend.
--> Cody's wife, Pam, had rushed out over an hour ago to fetch the dessert and their kids, Michael and Katie, who'd been left for the afternoon with a friend.
22.) "After all," she'd beamed, "(h)ow often do I get to give him a baby for his birthday?"
23.) Helpful to add a notation of some sort at the bottom to distinguish between story and notes -- like:
***
Really good beginning and you have me curious about what happens next. I offer you the best praise a writer can get -- I would have turned the page to see what happens next. *smile*
Thanks so much!
Comment Written 28-May-2020
reply by the author on 28-May-2020
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You know, Robyn, I never get 4 stars. I was so excited to see that! It means someone was taking the time to actually do a review that makes me think and rethink (and rethink, as it turned out). I appreciate the 5s, of course! That means the content is okay, but the 4 star from you gave me reason to go back and repair damage. :) Thank you.
I'm not sure what notes you're talking about, though ?
And when I saw your review I thought, "Oh, I be Robyn is dreading me writing another novel!" lol. You do so much work on my junk. I'll try to get my act together a bit better this time.
Thank you so much!
Deb
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hahahaha No, I really enjoy your work. I've been reading several chapters of prose today and it makes me really want to get back to working on my own novels. It's all good. Besides, that's what we're here for is to help each other!
The 'notes' I was talking about are just the comments and suggestions I offered you on things I had seen while reading -- #1 - whatever down the side. Just things for you to consider.
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BTW, thanks for making me smile - to hear you were HAPPY to get a 4-star review. My. Your reaction is quite different to others I hear from. Bless you!
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Lol. I bet!
Comment from Bill Pinder
I really like this opening chapter to your book. I would give you six stars if I had it. You caught my attention from the start snd kept it through until the end. Looking forward to the next chapter. I like how you introduce the story with the single sentence and then transition into a detailed description of the ominous weather.
Excellent job with the clear description of his wife's face. Thanks for sharing the meaningful notes as well.
Bill
reply by the author on 28-May-2020
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I really like this opening chapter to your book. I would give you six stars if I had it. You caught my attention from the start snd kept it through until the end. Looking forward to the next chapter. I like how you introduce the story with the single sentence and then transition into a detailed description of the ominous weather.
Excellent job with the clear description of his wife's face. Thanks for sharing the meaningful notes as well.
Bill
Comment Written 28-May-2020
reply by the author on 28-May-2020
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Thank you Bill! Appreciate your review and comments.
Be blessed,
Deb
Comment from royowen
You have a handle on describing your characters inside and out, and I enjoyed this immensely, I've noticed when I write I never get the work right the fist time that I write something it's far from perfect, and I've noticed my better ones are when I return up to 3-4 years later. This is exciting for you Debora, I'm glad you're doing this. So well done Debora, good strong characters and plot, blessings,
Roy
reply by the author on 28-May-2020
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You have a handle on describing your characters inside and out, and I enjoyed this immensely, I've noticed when I write I never get the work right the fist time that I write something it's far from perfect, and I've noticed my better ones are when I return up to 3-4 years later. This is exciting for you Debora, I'm glad you're doing this. So well done Debora, good strong characters and plot, blessings,
Roy
Comment Written 28-May-2020
reply by the author on 28-May-2020
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Thank you, Roy! It is exciting. ;) Thanks for your confidence booster. :)
Blessings,
Deb
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My pleasure Debora