Her secret
a short story about love for sale53 total reviews
Comment from Pen&Ink
Hello apelle,
I've never paid for sex, but I would imagine you've painted a pretty accurate picture of what feelings (or lack thereof) must pass through a prostitutes mind and body. This is well written with excellent imagery.
Ray
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2010
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Hello apelle,
I've never paid for sex, but I would imagine you've painted a pretty accurate picture of what feelings (or lack thereof) must pass through a prostitutes mind and body. This is well written with excellent imagery.
Ray
Comment Written 20-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2010
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thank you, I appreciate your review, and no, you I don't think you'd have to pay for sex or even to practice the oldest profession to imagine what would go through one's heart and mind...At least this is how I imagined...
Comment from Perp Ihebom
This is a nice write-up. You have tried to creep into the soul of a commercial sex worker to unearth the undercurrents that lead her to do what she does. Kudos
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2009
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This is a nice write-up. You have tried to creep into the soul of a commercial sex worker to unearth the undercurrents that lead her to do what she does. Kudos
Comment Written 13-Sep-2009
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2009
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Thanks so much
Comment from Stergios Palaras Jr
Good story. However, it seems the reader is constantly challenged by the author's voice, in an intrusive manner.
Writing in third person can be quite a task, as you may have to act a drawing artist, rather than a narrator. The former describes, the latter tells. Show, do not tell.
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2009
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Good story. However, it seems the reader is constantly challenged by the author's voice, in an intrusive manner.
Writing in third person can be quite a task, as you may have to act a drawing artist, rather than a narrator. The former describes, the latter tells. Show, do not tell.
Comment Written 13-Sep-2009
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2009
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Thanks so much for the review and advise
Comment from lerkun
Hello There apelle, that was an intense read for a lifeless actor.. very well done and able to be read at speed.. no spag,..
this is brilliant but a few cliche phrases offset it
she wants to tranquilize disgust and paint over the taste.
excellent work thanks for sharing
b well
lerk
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2009
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Hello There apelle, that was an intense read for a lifeless actor.. very well done and able to be read at speed.. no spag,..
this is brilliant but a few cliche phrases offset it
she wants to tranquilize disgust and paint over the taste.
excellent work thanks for sharing
b well
lerk
Comment Written 13-Sep-2009
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2009
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Thanks so much
Comment from Phil Kitom
What a powerful and sad account of the life
of a woman who is trapped in a sad and lonely
world that brings nothing but degradation and
the daily rhythmic act like a metronome going
with a never ending sway that will never find
peace for as one hour strikes another begins.
Excellent short story...
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2009
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What a powerful and sad account of the life
of a woman who is trapped in a sad and lonely
world that brings nothing but degradation and
the daily rhythmic act like a metronome going
with a never ending sway that will never find
peace for as one hour strikes another begins.
Excellent short story...
Comment Written 13-Sep-2009
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2009
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Thanks so much
Comment from Mengleoh67
A very well written piece. You followed the guidelines well and with an abundance of creativity. The character herself is not at all to my tastes, sort of hollow and lifeless, but it struck me that this was actually the point of your having written it the way that you have.
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2009
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A very well written piece. You followed the guidelines well and with an abundance of creativity. The character herself is not at all to my tastes, sort of hollow and lifeless, but it struck me that this was actually the point of your having written it the way that you have.
Comment Written 12-Sep-2009
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2009
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Thank you so much, I appreciate your kind words
Comment from KYPollard/El Gato
I loved the descriptive words you used for this story. They gave a nice "feel" of the character pictured. The writing showed no spags I could note. Great job here.
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2009
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I loved the descriptive words you used for this story. They gave a nice "feel" of the character pictured. The writing showed no spags I could note. Great job here.
Comment Written 12-Sep-2009
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2009
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,Thank you , I am very happy you liked it, i had doubts about posting it...
Comment from Juliette Chamberlain
"Why am I with this man?" This must be a question everyone in a loveless sexual relationship must be asking themselves.
Your story is a sad reflection of such a relationship.
The story is well written and I saw no spags.
Juliette
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2009
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"Why am I with this man?" This must be a question everyone in a loveless sexual relationship must be asking themselves.
Your story is a sad reflection of such a relationship.
The story is well written and I saw no spags.
Juliette
Comment Written 12-Sep-2009
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2009
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Juliette,
Thanks so much for reading and reviewing my story...
Comment from Colin Douglas
You have a very poetic style of writing, which I like immensely. The thoughts flow well from start to finish, and the reader has gotten a clear understanding of your character's daily life and her feelings about it.
Perhaps, it was a little lengthy without any changes, but not too bad.
A few details:
"There was no doubt he believed them now, but they'd be forgotten...expired...soon." "Forgotten" and "expired" are adjectives and "soon," is an adverb, and yet you have this written with elipses as if they're all describing the same thing. Try a new sentence, or dash with "And soon."
"How beautiful you are...so beautiful, incredibly beautiful, I'm afraid of being lost in your eyes." Try a new sentence with "I'm afraid of..." And change either the first comma to an elipsis, or the elipsis to a comma.
"...rolling over her and ending as sad, sick masses in the pit of her stomach." Kind of a mixed metaphor. The "masses," which is already figurative, is described as "sad" and "sick," which creates a conflicting visual. Try describing them with words like vile, disgusting, sickening, heavy etc.
"The day could have been perfect, instead it's full of noise and harsh colors falling from the sky." From this point on, your story is in present tense. Before that point, you have it in past tense.
Overall, a truly enjoyable read. Thank you for posting.
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2009
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You have a very poetic style of writing, which I like immensely. The thoughts flow well from start to finish, and the reader has gotten a clear understanding of your character's daily life and her feelings about it.
Perhaps, it was a little lengthy without any changes, but not too bad.
A few details:
"There was no doubt he believed them now, but they'd be forgotten...expired...soon." "Forgotten" and "expired" are adjectives and "soon," is an adverb, and yet you have this written with elipses as if they're all describing the same thing. Try a new sentence, or dash with "And soon."
"How beautiful you are...so beautiful, incredibly beautiful, I'm afraid of being lost in your eyes." Try a new sentence with "I'm afraid of..." And change either the first comma to an elipsis, or the elipsis to a comma.
"...rolling over her and ending as sad, sick masses in the pit of her stomach." Kind of a mixed metaphor. The "masses," which is already figurative, is described as "sad" and "sick," which creates a conflicting visual. Try describing them with words like vile, disgusting, sickening, heavy etc.
"The day could have been perfect, instead it's full of noise and harsh colors falling from the sky." From this point on, your story is in present tense. Before that point, you have it in past tense.
Overall, a truly enjoyable read. Thank you for posting.
Comment Written 12-Sep-2009
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2009
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Colin,
Thanks so much for your review and editing advise...
Comment from wierdgrace
I am never surprise how different each of these storys are that goes with this picture, this is smooth with your characters, and the dialogue reads on and on and is understood well, thank you for sharing, and good luck in the contest, well done.
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2009
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I am never surprise how different each of these storys are that goes with this picture, this is smooth with your characters, and the dialogue reads on and on and is understood well, thank you for sharing, and good luck in the contest, well done.
Comment Written 12-Sep-2009
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2009
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weirdgrace,
your kind words are truly appreciated.
Adina