haiku (shifting moonbeams stream)
Moon Haiku Promt entry90 total reviews
Comment from madhatter1977
Hey, Dean. This is a brilliant example of the form and in touch with your dark style in general. I love the picture you paint with your words and the artwork too. Best wishes and good luck for the contest, Pete :)
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2014
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Hey, Dean. This is a brilliant example of the form and in touch with your dark style in general. I love the picture you paint with your words and the artwork too. Best wishes and good luck for the contest, Pete :)
Comment Written 11-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2014
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Thanks, Pete. I'm glad you liked it.
Comment from Jeanie Mercer
This is a well done haiku, albeit it dark and eerie. The concrete imagery is suberb and definitely "takes a picture" of the scene. Good luck to you, Jeanie Mercer
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2014
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This is a well done haiku, albeit it dark and eerie. The concrete imagery is suberb and definitely "takes a picture" of the scene. Good luck to you, Jeanie Mercer
Comment Written 11-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2014
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Thank you, Jeanie. I meant it to be more soothing and serene than creepy. I think cemeteries at night are so peaceful, not scary at all.
I'm glad you liked it.
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I'm glad to know you think cemeteries at night are peaceful and not scary. That does something good for me.
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I really do. I often go to an ancient one with many graves well over two-hundred years old, out behind our church, just to sit, listen and think. It was the inspiration for the poem.
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Yes, I thought you sounded quite sincere. I do like haiku that are based on truth and actual "haiku moments."
Comment from A Matter Of Words
How hauntingly beautiful, Dean. Haiku perfect in it form.
The image chosen for this work was excellent, though none was needed...Stephanie
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2014
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How hauntingly beautiful, Dean. Haiku perfect in it form.
The image chosen for this work was excellent, though none was needed...Stephanie
Comment Written 11-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2014
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Thanks, Stephanie. I'm truly glad you think so.
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Sometimes when I look at what I have written I gasp in shock - please forgive the poor writing. There is no doubt about your ability to write effectively, Dean. You are the consummate master.
Comment from Eternal Muse
Oh, Dean - why is the FS system so faulty in allowing only a certain number of sixes per week? I don't have a six for this masterpiece, but please, consider this is a 6 or a 10, really. Imagery hits the roof, originality beggs for Oscar, your picture is phenomenal, but the visuals, the visuals are so good, I see myself in that cemetery, watching the "shifting moonbeams stream" between crumbline headstones. Your satori... (oh, wait, what happened? I just saw "silhouettes of death" which i loved so much!). It is up to you, of course, you are the author, but there was such power, IMHO, in the silhouettes of death.
This may be the winner. Absolutely stunning.
P.S. I almost expected the music at the end (smile) - but the poem is so self-sufficient, it is striking at every angle.
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2014
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Oh, Dean - why is the FS system so faulty in allowing only a certain number of sixes per week? I don't have a six for this masterpiece, but please, consider this is a 6 or a 10, really. Imagery hits the roof, originality beggs for Oscar, your picture is phenomenal, but the visuals, the visuals are so good, I see myself in that cemetery, watching the "shifting moonbeams stream" between crumbline headstones. Your satori... (oh, wait, what happened? I just saw "silhouettes of death" which i loved so much!). It is up to you, of course, you are the author, but there was such power, IMHO, in the silhouettes of death.
This may be the winner. Absolutely stunning.
P.S. I almost expected the music at the end (smile) - but the poem is so self-sufficient, it is striking at every angle.
Comment Written 11-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2014
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I changed it from pirouettes of death to silhouettes of death initially because a fellow reader chastised the poem, saying that the word implicated ballet, and thus personified the poem, which is specifically against the contest rules. Then they complained about the word "headstones", saying that definitely implied humans. I politely asked them if they'd ever been to a pet cemetery. No people there (I hope!)
Thanks, yel. Silhouettes of Death it is.
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"pirouettes of death" was also great.
I think your poem will be one of the top contenders.
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Thanks, I'm glad you feel that way. I don't think it's humanized in any way, but some might think so. Based on my track record of late in contests, that doesn't bode too well for me. But, I'm happy with it, and f it meets the rules and regulations, then I say let the critics be damned!
Thanks again, Yel...
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
This is good for a senryu, but I think it misses the mark for a haiku. The instructions suggest it NOT be about people, tho it's not said clearly.
Haiku is always about nature, and animals may be included as well as the moon, etc., but NO REFERENCE to people is allowed. Pirouette suggests a human ballerina and tombstones DEFINITELY suggest humans!
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2014
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This is good for a senryu, but I think it misses the mark for a haiku. The instructions suggest it NOT be about people, tho it's not said clearly.
Haiku is always about nature, and animals may be included as well as the moon, etc., but NO REFERENCE to people is allowed. Pirouette suggests a human ballerina and tombstones DEFINITELY suggest humans!
Comment Written 11-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2014
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Ever been to a pet boneyard, Phyllis? There are tombstones everywhere there, and none of them pertains to people. Seen the movie, Pet Semetary (their spelling, not mine)? Grave markers all over that place.
As for the word Pirouette, I'll give you that (maybe) and I still have time to change it. But the tombstones could pertain to anything dead that requires a marker, not only to people.
I'd knew there'd be at least one person who objected.
Thank God for plan "B".
Thanks...
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I'm just telling you this for YOUR sake, not that I care. I think all those little Japanese things are silly anyway. In fact, the first haiku I wrote here is called Hecku, and you can see the very sarcastic post HERE.
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I'll check it out, I'll bet it's a hoot.
Yeltel said the poem was well within contest guidelines and standards. And, being that she is the contest creator, I don't think she would lie to me just to see me disqualified.
I did change "pirouette" to "silhouette", so maybe that will help?
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I actually like silhouettes better anyway... I can picture that!
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Thanks. I do too, to be honest.
Comment from country ranch writer
A wise man you are my friend and mentor you are the tops in this horror stuff. I bow to you kind sir. And hope one day I too can make people cringe.
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2014
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A wise man you are my friend and mentor you are the tops in this horror stuff. I bow to you kind sir. And hope one day I too can make people cringe.
Comment Written 11-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2014
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I've taken a bow of late to Mike Battaglia in the horror department, country. To Fleedlflump as well. He won the horror story contest this year. So, for now, I am relegated to a mere prince of horror, no more the king. Long live Kings Michael and Fleedlflump!
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You will always be my hero and king of horror! I have no fear you are going to reign again. Long live Dean Kuch!
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We'll see, but that's only if I want to continue trying. I'm just about to throw in the towel. I think my welcome's been pretty well worn out here.
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If YOU DECIDE TO LEAVE ME SEND YOUR E-MAIL ADDRESS TO ME OK.
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I will, you can count on it.
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HOW IS MY BARREL RACER?
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Doing great. She's out at the ranch with her best friend spending the night as we speak.
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SO GREAT SHE HAS A BEST FRIEND
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She's a great kid. I love her to death!
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awe
Comment from Jacqueline M Franklin
Hi Dean,
As always, love the artwork paired with your well chosen words. The artwork reminded me of the fog rolling in during a vampire movie where the chosen meet at the graveyard! Nosh! Nosh!
Well done. Good luck in the contest.
Cheers,
Keep Smilin'.... Jax
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2014
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Hi Dean,
As always, love the artwork paired with your well chosen words. The artwork reminded me of the fog rolling in during a vampire movie where the chosen meet at the graveyard! Nosh! Nosh!
Well done. Good luck in the contest.
Cheers,
Keep Smilin'.... Jax
Comment Written 11-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2014
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Thanks, Jax. I'm glad you liked it.
As far as the smilin' goes, I'll try...
Comment from Sasha
This is absolutely lovely, flows so well, and you adhere to the 17 syllables perfectly and you create such beautiful imagery with this one. Marvelous entry for this contest and I sincerely wish you all the best.
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2014
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This is absolutely lovely, flows so well, and you adhere to the 17 syllables perfectly and you create such beautiful imagery with this one. Marvelous entry for this contest and I sincerely wish you all the best.
Comment Written 11-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2014
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Thank you, Smurphgirl. I'm very glad that you enjoyed it.
Comment from Gert sherwood
How I wish I had a six to award you with Dean
To me your moon haiku is the winner- when you said-
twixt crumbling ancient headstones
pirouettes of death
Gert
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2014
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How I wish I had a six to award you with Dean
To me your moon haiku is the winner- when you said-
twixt crumbling ancient headstones
pirouettes of death
Gert
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 11-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2014
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Thank you, Gert. I'm just glad you enjoyed it.
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You are welcome
Gert
Comment from DanielEkine
When I don't hear from the magnificent author (Dean Kuch), I know a masterpiece is on its way. I was completely right. The entirety of this work is graciously beautiful. A well thought-out piece.
"shifting moonbeams stream
twixt crumbling ancient headstones
pirouettes of death"
The moon is extremely happy with this work.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2014
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When I don't hear from the magnificent author (Dean Kuch), I know a masterpiece is on its way. I was completely right. The entirety of this work is graciously beautiful. A well thought-out piece.
"shifting moonbeams stream
twixt crumbling ancient headstones
pirouettes of death"
The moon is extremely happy with this work.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 11-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2014
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I hope I've done Luna proud, Daniel.
Thanks.