Grandpa T.
a message from beyond71 total reviews
Comment from Melspoems
What a great story! It leaves the reader with a warm comforting feeling
I like the relationship between the brother and sister, it felt real, bickering ut love and concern for each other too.
One tiny thing...Aggie considers breaking her promise not to tell their parents, but she hadn't made one.
reply by the author on 31-Jul-2012
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What a great story! It leaves the reader with a warm comforting feeling
I like the relationship between the brother and sister, it felt real, bickering ut love and concern for each other too.
One tiny thing...Aggie considers breaking her promise not to tell their parents, but she hadn't made one.
Comment Written 31-Jul-2012
reply by the author on 31-Jul-2012
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Thank you so much, Mel. I've sure gotten some great help in this chapter from the reviewers, including you. Seems I was in a bit of rush to get this out. I'll definitely take a look at the section you mention. As always, thank you for your generosity and support! Hugs, Bev
Comment from barkingdog
Great piece, Bev.
When I read the first paragraph, I thought the story would be about the hospice care. Since it wasn't ... maybe that part of the sentence could be deleted and go directly to 'My stomach does a flip-flop.' (Because she is reacting to the "Grandpa T's dead, Aggie." line.)
The is a really good description of the orb(bubble) and how skeptical people can be about one being real.
I love that Grandpa was there for the swim meet and showed up in the pictures.
Your dialogue is smooth as butter. Wonderful push and pull between Quintin and Aggie.
The end where they have a teasing brother sister moment is great. Suggestion here: you say 'sitting in comfortable silence' and then talk of the 'vibrato of chimes and sounds of nieces squealing' -- seems a conflict as the chimes and squealing are not silence.
[Maybe sitting in final revelation ... (since the sounds attest to the fact that the world is bigger that Aggie ever thought.)
I needed to back up and check something. It's about the bench.
He takes her hand and leads her to the bench. I see them standing talking by the bench. Then at the end you have them leaning against the back of it before they sit down. It just felt backwards. Why not sit them down and then lean back?
'My brother blocks my move to punch him in the arm, and we laugh like we haven't in years. As our laughter quiets, he puts his arm around my shoulder, we sit on the bench and lean back.(If you leave it like this the sense of inner silence is felt which I think is what you meant. It doesn't need to be described as they have stopped laughing/talking. You feel their oneness as they now both know and accept that Grandpa truly did come back as the bubble and again in the picture.) The vibrato of chimes from a nearby tree and sounds of nieces squealing in delight attest to a world much bigger than we ever dreamed.(I get that Grandpa is there in the wind, happy and chiming away.)
reply by the author on 31-Jul-2012
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Great piece, Bev.
When I read the first paragraph, I thought the story would be about the hospice care. Since it wasn't ... maybe that part of the sentence could be deleted and go directly to 'My stomach does a flip-flop.' (Because she is reacting to the "Grandpa T's dead, Aggie." line.)
The is a really good description of the orb(bubble) and how skeptical people can be about one being real.
I love that Grandpa was there for the swim meet and showed up in the pictures.
Your dialogue is smooth as butter. Wonderful push and pull between Quintin and Aggie.
The end where they have a teasing brother sister moment is great. Suggestion here: you say 'sitting in comfortable silence' and then talk of the 'vibrato of chimes and sounds of nieces squealing' -- seems a conflict as the chimes and squealing are not silence.
[Maybe sitting in final revelation ... (since the sounds attest to the fact that the world is bigger that Aggie ever thought.)
I needed to back up and check something. It's about the bench.
He takes her hand and leads her to the bench. I see them standing talking by the bench. Then at the end you have them leaning against the back of it before they sit down. It just felt backwards. Why not sit them down and then lean back?
'My brother blocks my move to punch him in the arm, and we laugh like we haven't in years. As our laughter quiets, he puts his arm around my shoulder, we sit on the bench and lean back.(If you leave it like this the sense of inner silence is felt which I think is what you meant. It doesn't need to be described as they have stopped laughing/talking. You feel their oneness as they now both know and accept that Grandpa truly did come back as the bubble and again in the picture.) The vibrato of chimes from a nearby tree and sounds of nieces squealing in delight attest to a world much bigger than we ever dreamed.(I get that Grandpa is there in the wind, happy and chiming away.)
Comment Written 31-Jul-2012
reply by the author on 31-Jul-2012
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Hi, Ellen. Thank you SO MUCH for your help on this. Of course, you zeroed right in to sections that were weak, and your suggestions were great on how to improve. Lesson to myself: Slow Down. Sure appreciate it your generosity and support.
Xxx Bev
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You're welcome. That's what we are here for. I know you'll find stuff in my posts that need a shift, too.
I have to let mine sit for several days and then these thing pop out. Did you write and post quickly? Is that what you meant by needing to 'Slow Down?'
Love ya,
ellen
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I'm embarrassed to say that I had actually been working on for several days. My issue is that I'm focussing on getting all the elements I've learned into place that I forget to check out the simple stuff. That's why I'm so grateful for friends like you, Ellen. You rock! Love ya, Bev
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Gottcha. Me too. And then I revert back to old habits if I'm not careful. Baby steps. LOL
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Oh, man. Was I embarrassed when Brooke caught some of my stupid ones. I'd taken her SPAG class, too! YIKES! Yup, slow steps. Thanks, buddy. XXX
Comment from sweetwoodjax
this is very well written, writingfundimension, you did a great job writing this story about the sister who gave her brother proof that their grandfather was still with them, encouraging him to win
reply by the author on 31-Jul-2012
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this is very well written, writingfundimension, you did a great job writing this story about the sister who gave her brother proof that their grandfather was still with them, encouraging him to win
Comment Written 31-Jul-2012
reply by the author on 31-Jul-2012
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Thank you so much, sweet. I really appreciate your awesome review. You are most kind! Warmest regards, Bev
Comment from Connie C
What a touching story this is, Bev. I loved it! I actually believe that things like this can happen. Something happened to me after my mother's funeral that let me know she was watching over me. No, I didn't see her like Quint sees his grandfather, but I found something that amazed both me and our family. But back to your story: The dialogue is great and allows us to see the bond between this brother and sister. ( I assume Aggie is a female.) Great story, Bev! Hugs, Connie
reply by the author on 31-Jul-2012
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What a touching story this is, Bev. I loved it! I actually believe that things like this can happen. Something happened to me after my mother's funeral that let me know she was watching over me. No, I didn't see her like Quint sees his grandfather, but I found something that amazed both me and our family. But back to your story: The dialogue is great and allows us to see the bond between this brother and sister. ( I assume Aggie is a female.) Great story, Bev! Hugs, Connie
Comment Written 31-Jul-2012
reply by the author on 31-Jul-2012
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Thank you so much for your generous and heart-warming support. You do bring up a good point, the name is not really a feminine one. I'll find a way to mention she's a kid sister. Thanks for bringing that up, Connie. And, again than you for the support! Love ya, Bev
Comment from Carole Rosa
Bev, this is an excellent story told with compassion as if it was a non-fiction story. The story had suspense, causing me to wonder if it could be an actual water reflection or a spirit. The story kept me interested to the very end. Carole
reply by the author on 31-Jul-2012
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Bev, this is an excellent story told with compassion as if it was a non-fiction story. The story had suspense, causing me to wonder if it could be an actual water reflection or a spirit. The story kept me interested to the very end. Carole
Comment Written 30-Jul-2012
reply by the author on 31-Jul-2012
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I am very honored by your generous review, Carole. Thank you for taking time to read my story and offer such encouragement. I appreciate it! Warm regards, Bev
Comment from Mastery
Hi, Bev. Very good writing here overall. I love the story and wonder if things like this really do happen to other people who don't discuss it.
Suggestions if I may:
"Grandpa It's dead, Aggie." It's just after midnight, and the caller is my older brother, Quintin." (separate the dialogue from the next wentence. It should stand alone, both as a good hook and because it is a separate thing.
"Biting my cheek until it bleeds," (I felt this was an exaggeration which under the circumstances with what is going on in the story is not realistic to say, I don't think)
Good handling of the ending. Bob
reply by the author on 31-Jul-2012
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Hi, Bev. Very good writing here overall. I love the story and wonder if things like this really do happen to other people who don't discuss it.
Suggestions if I may:
"Grandpa It's dead, Aggie." It's just after midnight, and the caller is my older brother, Quintin." (separate the dialogue from the next wentence. It should stand alone, both as a good hook and because it is a separate thing.
"Biting my cheek until it bleeds," (I felt this was an exaggeration which under the circumstances with what is going on in the story is not realistic to say, I don't think)
Good handling of the ending. Bob
Comment Written 30-Jul-2012
reply by the author on 31-Jul-2012
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Hi, Bob. Thank you for the excellent suggestions I really appreciate you taking time to support my writing and to offer your professional insights. Coming from you, I'd be kinda stupid not to make the changes. hehehe Thanks much! Bev
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Thank you, Bev. :) Bob
Comment from Spitfire
You can't convince me this is fiction. The ball was an orb and I've seen one in a photo of a friend who had just lost her husband. Love the squabble talk between brother and sister. That's definitely real!
reply by the author on 31-Jul-2012
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You can't convince me this is fiction. The ball was an orb and I've seen one in a photo of a friend who had just lost her husband. Love the squabble talk between brother and sister. That's definitely real!
Comment Written 30-Jul-2012
reply by the author on 31-Jul-2012
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Thanks a bunch for your awesome review, Spitfire. I've never really seen orbs, though I've seen plenty of other stuff LOL. Spirits manifest themselves for cameras and recording devices in part, I believe, because the devices offer them additional energy. Take care ... Bev
Comment from Eleanor Buron
I am so moved by this story! You have the talent to steer readers' emotions. Brief as the story is, the setting is firmly and sufficiently established, the characters are well-rounded, the dialog moves the action along and the finish is absolutely great! I spotted a few typos:
"I talked with mom earlier" - put i in earlier
Midway when Quint is speaking there's a 'to' missing - 'but that it was time for me to really believe in myself"
Put an apostrophe in "Quintins" -"Quintin's face is red"
Again, a wonderful and well-rwritten short story.
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2012
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I am so moved by this story! You have the talent to steer readers' emotions. Brief as the story is, the setting is firmly and sufficiently established, the characters are well-rounded, the dialog moves the action along and the finish is absolutely great! I spotted a few typos:
"I talked with mom earlier" - put i in earlier
Midway when Quint is speaking there's a 'to' missing - 'but that it was time for me to really believe in myself"
Put an apostrophe in "Quintins" -"Quintin's face is red"
Again, a wonderful and well-rwritten short story.
Comment Written 30-Jul-2012
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2012
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Eleanor, I am deeply honored by your generosity. And thank you for catching the typos. I think I set a new record for missing letters.
Your words of support mean so much to me. Especially when I have such deep respect for your immense talent.
Blessings,
Bev
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What's so funny is I can spot these in someone else's work (I proof read a lot) but not in my own work! LOL You well deserve the six - You're one of the excellent writers on this site. Elly
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Thank you so much for that, Elly. Glad I'm not the only one with selective blindness. :0)
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;) LOL - I can tell you some funny stories about typos. I was one of a few poets listed on a literary Program and the brochure announced that I would be reading from my manuscript "Hand Full of Liver" instead of "Handful of River" - my family and friends were rolling on the floor laughing. Unforgetable!
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Okay, now I'm on the floor laughing. Thanks for sharing that, Elly. hehehehehe
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I'm going to tell you one more and never drop anything on you again. I've always been thin, I have adequate you know whats, but I bought a padded, push-up you know what so I'd look really good in a sleek long black dress; I felt great! The MC/Host for this special poetry reading (which was staged in a beautiful setting, stained glass windows etc.) couldn't keep his eyes off me (so I thought)from the moment I walked in the door. When he introduced me to the audience, he turned to me and cautioned about the sound system, saying they had had a few problems earlier. So he told me emphatically "It's very important that you protrude."
I wanted to drop through the floor! Again several friends and a few members of my family exited to the foyer, they were laughing so hard. I never wore that bra again. That's it my friend, My life is anything but charmed. LOL
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Oh my gosh, you can share your stories any time with me, Elly. How awful for you, but I can understand your family's reactions. They must really look forward to your poetry readings LOL.
BTW, that is so cool that you do public readings of your poetry. I would love to be a fly on the wall for one of those!
Comment from LAFraser
Whew! You've got me in tears with this one! What a sweet story you've created here. :) Thank you for posting this for others to enjoy. Sorry I haven't done a lot of reviewing lately. Was off line for a bit with illness. But I'm back to writing and reviewing again. I hope you've been well. :)
Blessings, my friend.
~Lisa
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2012
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Whew! You've got me in tears with this one! What a sweet story you've created here. :) Thank you for posting this for others to enjoy. Sorry I haven't done a lot of reviewing lately. Was off line for a bit with illness. But I'm back to writing and reviewing again. I hope you've been well. :)
Blessings, my friend.
~Lisa
Comment Written 30-Jul-2012
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2012
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Hi, Lisa. It's so good to hear from you! I've just finished reviewing two chapters of your excellent novel... plan to catch up on the rest. Sort of been in the same situation with reviewing myself. I'm loving what you're doing with your story.
Thank you much, my friend, for your generous review and words of support.
Hugs, Bev
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Hahaha Great minds think alike...Huh? :D It's great to be back. I'm so glad you're enjoying the story. It's been a tricky one to write, because of all the emotions. Also, I've never really blended fiction and non-fiction like this. I need to get caught up on your writes, too. I hate getting behind. ;/ I like to stay in touch with my friends. :D Have a great evening. Big hugs!!!!
~Lisa
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:0) XXXX OOO XXXX
Comment from Cindy Warren
I think our loved ones do continue to watch over us. They're there for the important events. I liked the part where he went for a flyswatter and came back to find Grandpa leaning against the couch.
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2012
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I think our loved ones do continue to watch over us. They're there for the important events. I liked the part where he went for a flyswatter and came back to find Grandpa leaning against the couch.
Comment Written 30-Jul-2012
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2012
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Thank you much, Cindy. I appreciate your generous review and personal insights. Much appreciated! Bev