Another Pretty Face
Viewing comments for Chapter 17 "Chapter 7; part two"Can love survive small town gossip?
80 total reviews
Comment from Helen Tan
Okay, at least Sara will get her name and past reputation cleared. I think Cassie's kidnap has something to do with Joe's job ... I enjoyed the movement in the plot here.
As Chip led Roy from the house,
Will Roy be prosecuted? It seems to be treated too lightly if he gets to just walk out the house a free man BUT then again his brother is the sheriff and Roy is the chief of police. Tricky situation.
I'm here because I'm the Task Force's computer hacker. That's how I met Matt.
I guess in the secret service, pressure is great and it's common to marry your colleagues especially when you spend so much time on secret missions together. They probably understand the pressure and schedule better.
After shaking hands, Dani continued
After Dani took a drink, she smiled.
These two "After" start short paragraphs placed close together. Suggest you change the second set to something like - Dani took a drink, then smiled.
After Dani took a drink, she smiled.....
Dani smiled at Sara.
In the paragraph following the first, you mention Dani smiling again. It reads a bit odd to me and I would delete one of these mentions. It could just be me.
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2010
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Okay, at least Sara will get her name and past reputation cleared. I think Cassie's kidnap has something to do with Joe's job ... I enjoyed the movement in the plot here.
As Chip led Roy from the house,
Will Roy be prosecuted? It seems to be treated too lightly if he gets to just walk out the house a free man BUT then again his brother is the sheriff and Roy is the chief of police. Tricky situation.
I'm here because I'm the Task Force's computer hacker. That's how I met Matt.
I guess in the secret service, pressure is great and it's common to marry your colleagues especially when you spend so much time on secret missions together. They probably understand the pressure and schedule better.
After shaking hands, Dani continued
After Dani took a drink, she smiled.
These two "After" start short paragraphs placed close together. Suggest you change the second set to something like - Dani took a drink, then smiled.
After Dani took a drink, she smiled.....
Dani smiled at Sara.
In the paragraph following the first, you mention Dani smiling again. It reads a bit odd to me and I would delete one of these mentions. It could just be me.
Comment Written 27-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2010
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My first novel about the Task Force, Her Pretty Little Neck, explains Dani and Matt's relationship. It was no easy task getting those two together. I will correct those areas. Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from janeae
This story is getting sooo good. I can hardly wait for the next installment. You've been recognized by FS so you know that it is good, but I wanted to add my voice to that chant. Thank you for writing. jane
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2010
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This story is getting sooo good. I can hardly wait for the next installment. You've been recognized by FS so you know that it is good, but I wanted to add my voice to that chant. Thank you for writing. jane
Comment Written 27-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2010
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Thank you for your kind review. It makes no difference what FS says about my writing, if it doesn't work for the readers, it doesn't work at all.
Comment from animatqua
I'm finding your usual style and finesse here, and don't kow what to say beyond this. I've missed part of the story somewhere, so I'm going back to catch up.
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2010
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I'm finding your usual style and finesse here, and don't kow what to say beyond this. I've missed part of the story somewhere, so I'm going back to catch up.
Comment Written 27-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2010
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Thank you for your kind review. I'll answer any questions you may have.
Comment from Kashif Ali Abbas
Another lovely read, the character of Roy is drawn perfectly. The ending was clever and has an attention grabbing factor.
All in all, a well written chapter as usual from you.
well done
K
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2010
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Another lovely read, the character of Roy is drawn perfectly. The ending was clever and has an attention grabbing factor.
All in all, a well written chapter as usual from you.
well done
K
Comment Written 27-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from adewpearl
Your author's notes have me beaming with relief and happiness, Barbara :-)
statue of limitations - statute
What a dramatic confrontation with Sara's rapist, and then to know he allowed the town to make an outcast of her all those years - no wonder Joe lost it. I really like the conversation between Sara and Dani - it gives more insight into Joe and sounds quite realistic as far as Sara's doubts go. Brooke
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2010
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Your author's notes have me beaming with relief and happiness, Barbara :-)
statue of limitations - statute
What a dramatic confrontation with Sara's rapist, and then to know he allowed the town to make an outcast of her all those years - no wonder Joe lost it. I really like the conversation between Sara and Dani - it gives more insight into Joe and sounds quite realistic as far as Sara's doubts go. Brooke
Comment Written 27-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2010
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Thank you for catching that error for me. I always appreciate hearing from you. Thank you for your support.
Comment from RKagan
First of all I want to say Thank God for the good news about your health. That is wonderful. You have created so many different emotions in the reader in this piece. We do not want Sara to decide Joe is violent, and we are so in love with his charcter for defending Sara against Roy. But now of course, you have created a small doubt in Sara's mind so we are not sure where this will take us. And then again we are also very worried about what Dani will tell us she found on the internet. And we are still worried about where Cassie is. So this chapter is filled with action. great job.
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2010
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First of all I want to say Thank God for the good news about your health. That is wonderful. You have created so many different emotions in the reader in this piece. We do not want Sara to decide Joe is violent, and we are so in love with his charcter for defending Sara against Roy. But now of course, you have created a small doubt in Sara's mind so we are not sure where this will take us. And then again we are also very worried about what Dani will tell us she found on the internet. And we are still worried about where Cassie is. So this chapter is filled with action. great job.
Comment Written 27-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2010
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Thank you for your kind review. I hope I answer all those questions before the story ends. If I don't, then I didn't do my job very well.
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
What an exciting chapter,
great action and Sara making
a new friend.
A most enjoyable read, Barbara.
Margaret
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2010
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What an exciting chapter,
great action and Sara making
a new friend.
A most enjoyable read, Barbara.
Margaret
Comment Written 27-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2010
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Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from dave d yes its me
so cassie was the product of a rape. i dont blame joe for attacking him aftr workig out that roy had rapred sara. it was good that dani offerred reassurance that joe was indeed a gentlemen who wouldnt hurt a loved one. nice writing but i still fear forthe safety of cassie. good luck with the chemo etc
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2010
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so cassie was the product of a rape. i dont blame joe for attacking him aftr workig out that roy had rapred sara. it was good that dani offerred reassurance that joe was indeed a gentlemen who wouldnt hurt a loved one. nice writing but i still fear forthe safety of cassie. good luck with the chemo etc
Comment Written 27-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2010
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Thank you for your kind revew and continued support.
Comment from rama devi
Hi dear B. great news about successful operation. My prayers are with you for the chemo and radiation...hang in there, dear It is not easy but one day will be over and you have all of use here and family too to support you with love and prayer! Your positive attitude will alleviate much of the stress adn reduce pain too.
blessings!
Review--
Great chapter! Emotionally charged and intense. So wonderful that Sarah's parents got to know what happened. Good character and plot development in this chapter. Fine dialog and good flow and pacing.
Just a few small things that need attention-
*When Mark, Sara's father, answered a knock, Roy Moore and his brother, Chip(,) entered.
*"The way I figure it(,) you owe Cassie somewhere around $50,000(fifty thousand) in back child support.
--note--best to spell out numbers in alphabets.
* I can tell by your eyes you need to talk and not to your mother, right?"
Suggest a dash for dramatic pause here:
I can tell by your eyes you need to talk--and not to your mother, right?"
or a comma:
I can tell by your eyes you need to talk, and not to your mother, right?"
*"Just a minute," she answered Matt, before she said to Sara,
Bit cluttered speech tag. suggest removing Matt wince the reader knows he asked her the question since he's named in preceding line. Also, try to trim down using pronouns unnecessarily-
"Just a minute," she answered before saying to Sara,
As always, am happy to upgrade if nits are revised.
I think it is good how she questions Joe' character and Dani reassures her. Good added dimension to characters.
Well done!
Much love, rd
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2010
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Hi dear B. great news about successful operation. My prayers are with you for the chemo and radiation...hang in there, dear It is not easy but one day will be over and you have all of use here and family too to support you with love and prayer! Your positive attitude will alleviate much of the stress adn reduce pain too.
blessings!
Review--
Great chapter! Emotionally charged and intense. So wonderful that Sarah's parents got to know what happened. Good character and plot development in this chapter. Fine dialog and good flow and pacing.
Just a few small things that need attention-
*When Mark, Sara's father, answered a knock, Roy Moore and his brother, Chip(,) entered.
*"The way I figure it(,) you owe Cassie somewhere around $50,000(fifty thousand) in back child support.
--note--best to spell out numbers in alphabets.
* I can tell by your eyes you need to talk and not to your mother, right?"
Suggest a dash for dramatic pause here:
I can tell by your eyes you need to talk--and not to your mother, right?"
or a comma:
I can tell by your eyes you need to talk, and not to your mother, right?"
*"Just a minute," she answered Matt, before she said to Sara,
Bit cluttered speech tag. suggest removing Matt wince the reader knows he asked her the question since he's named in preceding line. Also, try to trim down using pronouns unnecessarily-
"Just a minute," she answered before saying to Sara,
As always, am happy to upgrade if nits are revised.
I think it is good how she questions Joe' character and Dani reassures her. Good added dimension to characters.
Well done!
Much love, rd
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 27-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2010
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I made a hard copy so I will make sure not to miss any errors. As soon as I answer my reviews, I will make the corrections. Thank you for your kind review.
Comment from sweetwoodjax
first of all, i am no grateful there is no additional cancer. i pray that you will be one of the rare people that doesn't get sick from the chemo. now, this is an excellent chapter for your book. i love your characters and i look forward to seeing your name in my inbox. have you still been able to keep teaching?
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2010
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first of all, i am no grateful there is no additional cancer. i pray that you will be one of the rare people that doesn't get sick from the chemo. now, this is an excellent chapter for your book. i love your characters and i look forward to seeing your name in my inbox. have you still been able to keep teaching?
Comment Written 27-Sep-2010
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2010
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Thank you for your kind review and continued support.