Reign Knee Daze (Rainy Days)
A poem, just for the hell of it...127 total reviews
Comment from Benjohnsonjr
A very good write. chilling to the bone. if this is what you dream then yes you definitely need a med change. The meter ran smoothly all the way through for me except for this line
"You must promise me one thing,
you'll never worship that "other" king."
Which jarred a little. But unless someone else has pointed it out as well it's probably just me. Well done.
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2014
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A very good write. chilling to the bone. if this is what you dream then yes you definitely need a med change. The meter ran smoothly all the way through for me except for this line
"You must promise me one thing,
you'll never worship that "other" king."
Which jarred a little. But unless someone else has pointed it out as well it's probably just me. Well done.
Comment Written 11-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2014
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Thanks so much for your comments and review, Ben, as well as letting me know what worked and didn't work too well for you. I've made some edits, and I hope you'll agree that it reads much more smoothly now.
Thanks again, my friend, and pleasant screams! Heh...heh...
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Will definitely give it another look
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Thank you!
Comment from mshirachot
This poem reminds me of some books I read years ago by the author, Frank Peretti. It also make me think about the series on which my rabbi/pastor is sharing called "The Great Ineritance". He is currently sharing about "wilderness trials". So many people think that once you "believe" it is all a blessed bed of roses, when often the reverse is true. Trials and temptations are meant to be blessings to us...to strengthen us.
Yes, better check your medications...or stop eating pizza before bedtime. Interesting that you had the dream on Saturday night. I am assuming the day of worship you observe is Sunday? Our worship service is on Saturday morning and I often find that early Saturday morning is when I have the most unusual (prophetic or message type) dreams.
The illustrations you've used to compliment your poem make it spooky. And I think I understand why you would do that. This really is a message of hope though.
Your last two lines:
"And when that happens, without fail,
God sends the rain, His soothing veil..."
...is the most important part of this poem.
Thanks for sharing this.
Blessings,
Marsha
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This poem reminds me of some books I read years ago by the author, Frank Peretti. It also make me think about the series on which my rabbi/pastor is sharing called "The Great Ineritance". He is currently sharing about "wilderness trials". So many people think that once you "believe" it is all a blessed bed of roses, when often the reverse is true. Trials and temptations are meant to be blessings to us...to strengthen us.
Yes, better check your medications...or stop eating pizza before bedtime. Interesting that you had the dream on Saturday night. I am assuming the day of worship you observe is Sunday? Our worship service is on Saturday morning and I often find that early Saturday morning is when I have the most unusual (prophetic or message type) dreams.
The illustrations you've used to compliment your poem make it spooky. And I think I understand why you would do that. This really is a message of hope though.
Your last two lines:
"And when that happens, without fail,
God sends the rain, His soothing veil..."
...is the most important part of this poem.
Thanks for sharing this.
Blessings,
Marsha
Comment Written 11-Nov-2014
Comment from Dorothy Farrell
H Dean - A mammoth read very well done. Stunning display. Good rhyming couplets that read smoothly. Perfect enjambment. Good iambic rhythm throughout. Wonderful ending with the lovely soothing picture of rain. Good alliteration 'cool calming' 'fell fast' and more throughout. A tour do force. Thank you for the read. Regards Dorothy x
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H Dean - A mammoth read very well done. Stunning display. Good rhyming couplets that read smoothly. Perfect enjambment. Good iambic rhythm throughout. Wonderful ending with the lovely soothing picture of rain. Good alliteration 'cool calming' 'fell fast' and more throughout. A tour do force. Thank you for the read. Regards Dorothy x
Comment Written 11-Nov-2014
Comment from nomi338
Sata delights in making us think that we are doomed because we have sinned. We pary each day to be forgiven our sins because as Adam's descendents we are all sinners. Jesus gave his life so that we now have the right to approach Jehovah God and beseech Him on the basis of Jesus' name and His sacrifice so that we can be forgiven of our sins. You see it is already understood that we are sinners who will sin. We are not condemned unless we do not regret those sins and repent, asking for forgiveness and trying earnestlt to abstain from further sin. Sata the devil's trick is to make us think that we are unforgivable and that we should therefore just give up and continue in our sin.
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Sata delights in making us think that we are doomed because we have sinned. We pary each day to be forgiven our sins because as Adam's descendents we are all sinners. Jesus gave his life so that we now have the right to approach Jehovah God and beseech Him on the basis of Jesus' name and His sacrifice so that we can be forgiven of our sins. You see it is already understood that we are sinners who will sin. We are not condemned unless we do not regret those sins and repent, asking for forgiveness and trying earnestlt to abstain from further sin. Sata the devil's trick is to make us think that we are unforgivable and that we should therefore just give up and continue in our sin.
Comment Written 11-Nov-2014
Comment from rama devi
Second review
:-))
First review (FOUR stars)
Wow--what a story. Some eloquent, excellent lines, too, with great rhymes and fine phonetics with poetic devices.
Overall, this is quite an impressive composition and flows well read aloud, except for a few spots noted below. The presentation is fantastic...including the rain sound in the background....awesome pics....well chosen background, etc.
NOTES--first, applause for my favorite lines and rhymes:
The sorrow, hatred, hopeless grief --
this cunning, stunning sad motif.
and
all evil that I'd ever spoken
dangled there like tainted tokens.
I looked around, immersed in pain,
then suddenly, cool calming rain
fell fast from clouds so dark and vast,
I finally felt relief at last.
Nice message, well voiced:
"No, it's not!" I cried with force,
"as long as hope remains a source
for tortured souls to rally 'round,
and life springs forth from barren ground.
Great rhymes and alliteration here:
With that, he vanished in a plume
of viscous smoke and sweet perfume.
Lots of good alliteration etc. Will not noted them all but I noticed the nuances...well done~
Some suggestions:
* The scansion in meter is a bit forced here:
"You see, my boy, there is no way
of escaping what you do or say.
Consider reworking. Substitutions in meter are acceptable when they flow but I do not think it works here.
*Same thing here:
You must promise me one thing,
you'll never worship that "other" king.
* and here:
and to the depths of hell He'll send
you and your horrid daze of death,
*and here:
"You fool, I've offered everything...
riches, women, and all they bring.
and here:
Sometimes I sense that he's still near,
lurking, preying upon my fear.
An idea:
Sometimes I sense that he's still near,
to lurk and prey upon my fear.
*These lines are fine but the cliche rhyme brings it down a notch:
It all returns to haunt your life.
But I will end their pain and strife.
*Suggest trimming off ellipses in front of the line. Using at the end of preceding line suffices:
...such sorrow's commonplace today
you feel that God whisks it away?
*
For(,) one day soon, your reign will end,
*
where(,) there, you'll draw your final breath."
*
So nectarous that it stole my breath.
not sure of spelling there, and also, I think trimming THAT would augment the smooth flow of the line.
Nice closing note:
And when that happens, without fail,
God sends the rain, His soothing veil...
I am sure many people will give this six stars...and it has potential for that but still needs tweaking and fine tuning (IMHO) Quite a memorable write, my friend. I recommend reading it aloud to 'hear' those spots I noted where the flow is forced or stumbles.
Warmly,
rd
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2014
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Second review
:-))
First review (FOUR stars)
Wow--what a story. Some eloquent, excellent lines, too, with great rhymes and fine phonetics with poetic devices.
Overall, this is quite an impressive composition and flows well read aloud, except for a few spots noted below. The presentation is fantastic...including the rain sound in the background....awesome pics....well chosen background, etc.
NOTES--first, applause for my favorite lines and rhymes:
The sorrow, hatred, hopeless grief --
this cunning, stunning sad motif.
and
all evil that I'd ever spoken
dangled there like tainted tokens.
I looked around, immersed in pain,
then suddenly, cool calming rain
fell fast from clouds so dark and vast,
I finally felt relief at last.
Nice message, well voiced:
"No, it's not!" I cried with force,
"as long as hope remains a source
for tortured souls to rally 'round,
and life springs forth from barren ground.
Great rhymes and alliteration here:
With that, he vanished in a plume
of viscous smoke and sweet perfume.
Lots of good alliteration etc. Will not noted them all but I noticed the nuances...well done~
Some suggestions:
* The scansion in meter is a bit forced here:
"You see, my boy, there is no way
of escaping what you do or say.
Consider reworking. Substitutions in meter are acceptable when they flow but I do not think it works here.
*Same thing here:
You must promise me one thing,
you'll never worship that "other" king.
* and here:
and to the depths of hell He'll send
you and your horrid daze of death,
*and here:
"You fool, I've offered everything...
riches, women, and all they bring.
and here:
Sometimes I sense that he's still near,
lurking, preying upon my fear.
An idea:
Sometimes I sense that he's still near,
to lurk and prey upon my fear.
*These lines are fine but the cliche rhyme brings it down a notch:
It all returns to haunt your life.
But I will end their pain and strife.
*Suggest trimming off ellipses in front of the line. Using at the end of preceding line suffices:
...such sorrow's commonplace today
you feel that God whisks it away?
*
For(,) one day soon, your reign will end,
*
where(,) there, you'll draw your final breath."
*
So nectarous that it stole my breath.
not sure of spelling there, and also, I think trimming THAT would augment the smooth flow of the line.
Nice closing note:
And when that happens, without fail,
God sends the rain, His soothing veil...
I am sure many people will give this six stars...and it has potential for that but still needs tweaking and fine tuning (IMHO) Quite a memorable write, my friend. I recommend reading it aloud to 'hear' those spots I noted where the flow is forced or stumbles.
Warmly,
rd
Comment Written 11-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2014
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Ha-hah! I absolutely love your reviews, rama, I truly do. It appears as if I have a bit more work to do with this one, LOL.
I promise to try and implement as many of your wonderful suggestions as soon as humanly possible, my friend.
A "tweaked, reedited version coming soon to a computer screen near you!
Thanks for the ever so thoughtful review.
Be well~ :}
~DK~
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Thanks for your super-enthusiastic response, dear Dean. I may be offline a lot so I am going to upgrade your rating in advance. I appreciate your positive attitude and fun response.
Warmest Smiles,
rd
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PS--Fort to mention I enjoyed your inventive title!
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Thanks, rama. Believe it or not, I worked on conceptualizing that longer than I did the poem, LOL.
I sincerely appreciate all of your help. :}
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Anytime, rama. You know I loves ya! :}
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You too :-))
Comment from Kenneth Schaal
I don't agree Dean. I think they're working fine. Fantastic read, and I only stumble in a couple of places. You used all appropriate words, but some conservation would be required. Excellent, no less. Kenny
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I don't agree Dean. I think they're working fine. Fantastic read, and I only stumble in a couple of places. You used all appropriate words, but some conservation would be required. Excellent, no less. Kenny
Comment Written 11-Nov-2014
Comment from Cookie333
Oh how I have missed reading your work my friend. I have returned and can't wait to go wandering through all the portfolios on here. Thanks so much for sharing this one, and the visual/auditory added just the right touch.
Karen
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Oh how I have missed reading your work my friend. I have returned and can't wait to go wandering through all the portfolios on here. Thanks so much for sharing this one, and the visual/auditory added just the right touch.
Karen
Comment Written 11-Nov-2014
Comment from emjaihammond
Pleasant Screams! I must remember that one. I found this poem to be a good read. I had such hopes it would end this way and you brought the sun shining through. Love a happy ending or even just the hope of one. How true it is that we are tempted in such a way daily, sometimes we rise above it, sometimes not. But, so good to know we have been snatched away from the jaws of defeat. As always an exciting read.
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Pleasant Screams! I must remember that one. I found this poem to be a good read. I had such hopes it would end this way and you brought the sun shining through. Love a happy ending or even just the hope of one. How true it is that we are tempted in such a way daily, sometimes we rise above it, sometimes not. But, so good to know we have been snatched away from the jaws of defeat. As always an exciting read.
Comment Written 11-Nov-2014
Comment from Kingsland
You have a knack for writing verse that hinges on the macabre ways of being. This is an excellently written poetic story line of poetic expressionism. I enjoyed partaking of this well delivered poetic story line... John
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You have a knack for writing verse that hinges on the macabre ways of being. This is an excellently written poetic story line of poetic expressionism. I enjoyed partaking of this well delivered poetic story line... John
Comment Written 11-Nov-2014
Comment from kiwijenny
Dean I'm out of stars.THIS IS MY ABSOLUTE FAVORITE OF YOUR POEMS. don't let the doctors touch your medication if this is what it produces!!!!! I love the heeling rain....pun intended
God bless
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Dean I'm out of stars.THIS IS MY ABSOLUTE FAVORITE OF YOUR POEMS. don't let the doctors touch your medication if this is what it produces!!!!! I love the heeling rain....pun intended
God bless
Comment Written 11-Nov-2014