Along the Jericho Road
Viewing comments for Chapter 32 "Iyaope Moon"Murder Mystery
52 total reviews
Comment from AprilShower
Hi, I was wondering when this chapter would be posted. Guess I'm anxious to find out who has been killing these people.
I have one suggestion below:
A cat with massive forelegs moved with practiced stealth in the direction of the rickety building.
Right away I pictured the danger of a wild cat. It might help to say 'A farm cat'. I know the next sentence mentioned a mouse. I thought that might have been a figure of speech, meaning the twin brothers. Then I wondered why Ty, the tribal policeman, didn't seem concerned. LOL.
I enjoyed the story, Bev.
Hugs,
April
reply by the author on 24-Feb-2013
  |
Hi, I was wondering when this chapter would be posted. Guess I'm anxious to find out who has been killing these people.
I have one suggestion below:
A cat with massive forelegs moved with practiced stealth in the direction of the rickety building.
Right away I pictured the danger of a wild cat. It might help to say 'A farm cat'. I know the next sentence mentioned a mouse. I thought that might have been a figure of speech, meaning the twin brothers. Then I wondered why Ty, the tribal policeman, didn't seem concerned. LOL.
I enjoyed the story, Bev.
Hugs,
April
Comment Written 23-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 24-Feb-2013
-
Hi, April. Thank you for your insight into that section. I think you might be right about the confusing aspects. I was trying to convey it was an outside cat, as I've noticed they tend to have more musculature in their front legs due to the testerone. Probably way over-thought that angle LOL. Much appreciate your kind and encouraging review.
Hugs, Bev
Comment from juliaSjames
"I could hear them hollering and thought nothing of it"
suggest "I heard"
Love the description of Ty's smile. He's a charmer, huh!
Good description of the fight.
"Sovereign nation"
- no need for caps
This is another fine chapter, Bev. You have a feel for the variation of pace that keeps the reader's interest riveted in a murder mystery.
This write also showcases your skill in developing a character. Ty's laid back attitude changes to professionalism in a flash when his cell phone rings. But his tribal intuition remains on high alert, reinforced by the Elder's warning.
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2013
|
"I could hear them hollering and thought nothing of it"
suggest "I heard"
Love the description of Ty's smile. He's a charmer, huh!
Good description of the fight.
"Sovereign nation"
- no need for caps
This is another fine chapter, Bev. You have a feel for the variation of pace that keeps the reader's interest riveted in a murder mystery.
This write also showcases your skill in developing a character. Ty's laid back attitude changes to professionalism in a flash when his cell phone rings. But his tribal intuition remains on high alert, reinforced by the Elder's warning.
Comment Written 23-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2013
-
Hi, JJ. Thanks for the suggestions and the encouragement. I really appreciate your support very much! Hugs, Bev
-
Always good to read your posts, Bev. Hope all's well with you.
peace and blessings, julia
-
I'm doing great and I hope you are as well.
Cheers, Bev
-
I'm fine. Counting my blessings every day.
:-))
-
That's the only way. XX Bev
Comment from Connie C
I've been waiting for your next chapter, Bev, and I'm not disappointed at all. Great description of Ty breaking up the fight between the brothers. And you've added a wonderful element of suspense here with a new body having been found. I like how you have the previous chapter in red at the beginning to help refresh one's memory. I'll admit that sometimes I have to go back and look up some of the characters, although, for the most part, you go through them in your author's notes. I continue to be impressed with your very fine writing, and I did not detect one single error. Also, I like the images you choose to accompany the chapters. You should be very proud of this novel so far, my friend.
Hugs,
Connie
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2013
|
I've been waiting for your next chapter, Bev, and I'm not disappointed at all. Great description of Ty breaking up the fight between the brothers. And you've added a wonderful element of suspense here with a new body having been found. I like how you have the previous chapter in red at the beginning to help refresh one's memory. I'll admit that sometimes I have to go back and look up some of the characters, although, for the most part, you go through them in your author's notes. I continue to be impressed with your very fine writing, and I did not detect one single error. Also, I like the images you choose to accompany the chapters. You should be very proud of this novel so far, my friend.
Hugs,
Connie
Comment Written 23-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2013
-
I so appreciate your lovely and generous review, Connie. I'm finding some of these characters just pop in and take hold. I've got another one chapter coming a little sooner so we can start getting to the who in this whodunit LOL. Your rock, Connie! Love ya, Bev
Comment from Macsween
Good chapter. Exciting and realistic. Good dialogue and word flow. A good fight described and the excitement is kept flowing by the discovery of a body. Good stuff. Nicely done.
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2013
|
Good chapter. Exciting and realistic. Good dialogue and word flow. A good fight described and the excitement is kept flowing by the discovery of a body. Good stuff. Nicely done.
Comment Written 23-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2013
-
Hi, Macsween. Thank you for taking time to read my chapter. I really appreciate your generosity and support. The next chapter will bring back some supernatural elements to this murder mystery. Hope you stop by again. Warmest regards, Bev
Comment from c_lucas
At least the killer is an equal opportunity killer, race and gender doesn't matter. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words. Good jobl
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2013
|
At least the killer is an equal opportunity killer, race and gender doesn't matter. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words. Good jobl
Comment Written 23-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2013
-
Thanks so much, charlie. I like your great sense of humor. Bev
-
You're welcome, Bev. Charlie
Comment from Curtis Hatch
Bev,
The chapter advances the story and adds more conflict, suspense and mystery to the equation. The fight between Russell and Raymond took the lime light for a while until the body was found and reported. Now the mystery is whose body is it? Is it the father of the man offering a $10,000 reward for his return? If so, the conflict will escalate dramatically.
It is a good read.
Curtis
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2013
|
Bev,
The chapter advances the story and adds more conflict, suspense and mystery to the equation. The fight between Russell and Raymond took the lime light for a while until the body was found and reported. Now the mystery is whose body is it? Is it the father of the man offering a $10,000 reward for his return? If so, the conflict will escalate dramatically.
It is a good read.
Curtis
Comment Written 23-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2013
-
Thanks, Curtis. I appreciate your time and encouragement.
Comment from mountainwriter49
Hi, Bev
I'm not a prose reader, but I did enjoy this chapter in your
new book. The theme is well developed and the language
is descriptive and flows well. It appears your prose writing
is developing nicely.
My I offer just a couple of SPAG suggestions?
Tribal policeman, Ty Longacre[,] found himself
Lynn Bree, niece of the twins and co-owner of the farmstead[,] was
A good read this evening,
Ray
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2013
|
Hi, Bev
I'm not a prose reader, but I did enjoy this chapter in your
new book. The theme is well developed and the language
is descriptive and flows well. It appears your prose writing
is developing nicely.
My I offer just a couple of SPAG suggestions?
Tribal policeman, Ty Longacre[,] found himself
Lynn Bree, niece of the twins and co-owner of the farmstead[,] was
A good read this evening,
Ray
Comment Written 23-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2013
-
Hi, Ray. Thanks so much for your great review. Changes made -- I appreciate the sharp eye. And I especially thank you for taking time to read a prose piece. Warmest regards, Bev
Comment from Beat
It is easy to keep interested in this story. I like that you include the meaning of the Sioux words. I like the dialogue.I wish I could give some meaningful advice, but I don't have the experience.
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2013
|
It is easy to keep interested in this story. I like that you include the meaning of the Sioux words. I like the dialogue.I wish I could give some meaningful advice, but I don't have the experience.
Comment Written 23-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2013
-
Hi, Beat. I really appreciate you taking time to read my chapter. It's hard to come into a story mid-stream, so I truly am thankful you took the time to read. THAT is most helpful. Warm regards, Bev
Comment from Roxanna Andrews
Well done as always, just too good. Was glad to see another chapter. It's still driving my crazy to know who is doing all this. A+ Rox
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2013
|
Well done as always, just too good. Was glad to see another chapter. It's still driving my crazy to know who is doing all this. A+ Rox
Comment Written 23-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2013
-
Thanks, Rox. I really appreciate the encouragement and faithful support. :0) Bev
Comment from Karen Payton Holt
A brilliant chapter. The dialogue is smooth, engaging, fun, informative, and effortless. Really great job.
Found some nits for you to look at;
His high cheekbones and deep-set, cocoa[-]brown eyes set every single woman's pulse fluttering. Lynn was one of the few that didn't go soft under his scrutiny. This is a great description, paints an image instantly. Every 'single', is that unmarried? Or every woman? Drop the single unless you mean unmarried.
"I've got goats to milk, Ty. The uncles are upsetting the animals[,] and I'd appreciate it if you could get them settled down."
You're a fine lookin' lady, Lynn Bree,[" take out] he thought.
Raymond swung it close to his brother's face, missing skin by a whisker. [Loved the 'missing skin by a whisker'] Russell blushed blood[-]red and screamed,
"Idukala (mouse) will soon feel the breath of Igmu (cat), he thought." [take out the quotation marks]
But he admired its craftsmanship and, even more, the additional inches it added to his overall height. [Added additional seems awkward, maybe just 'the inches it added to his height?' I think 'overall' is distracting too? ]
Great action description, and the phone call was well done, I am feeling Ty's pain on this one!
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2013
|
A brilliant chapter. The dialogue is smooth, engaging, fun, informative, and effortless. Really great job.
Found some nits for you to look at;
His high cheekbones and deep-set, cocoa[-]brown eyes set every single woman's pulse fluttering. Lynn was one of the few that didn't go soft under his scrutiny. This is a great description, paints an image instantly. Every 'single', is that unmarried? Or every woman? Drop the single unless you mean unmarried.
"I've got goats to milk, Ty. The uncles are upsetting the animals[,] and I'd appreciate it if you could get them settled down."
You're a fine lookin' lady, Lynn Bree,[" take out] he thought.
Raymond swung it close to his brother's face, missing skin by a whisker. [Loved the 'missing skin by a whisker'] Russell blushed blood[-]red and screamed,
"Idukala (mouse) will soon feel the breath of Igmu (cat), he thought." [take out the quotation marks]
But he admired its craftsmanship and, even more, the additional inches it added to his overall height. [Added additional seems awkward, maybe just 'the inches it added to his height?' I think 'overall' is distracting too? ]
Great action description, and the phone call was well done, I am feeling Ty's pain on this one!
Comment Written 23-Feb-2013
reply by the author on 23-Feb-2013
-
Karen, thank you so much for your very helpful and encouraging review. Changes made thanks to your sharp eye! I really appreciate the wonderful review. Warmest regards, Bev
-
I always look forward to your 'new writing online' messages. I know I'm in for something good!
-
Aww, what a truly gracious comment, Karen. I feel the same about your work. :0)