Along the Jericho Road
Viewing comments for Chapter 2 "A Blood-Red Moon "Murder Mystery
56 total reviews
Comment from Cumbrianlass
OMG Bev, you are onto a winner with this. It's bloody brilliant. The plot formation is FANTASTIC. The tension palpable. The dialogue dead on. I mean, really, really excellent.
This is worthy of several sixes, but you'll have to imagine them, since I'm not allowed right now. Oh, how you have got my curiosity stirred up, my eagerness to know more. I'm bouncing around on my seat here, spilling my tea.
Holy crap, you've got these characters charging out of the gate. Each one defined already, with their mannerisms and quirks. I just can't wait to read more.
Is this something you've had lingering for a while? Or has it just come to you recently? Whatever, it is very good.
Boorhish - think this should be boorish?
Only one thing stood out as inaccurate and it crops up all the time when these chappies are being discussed, whether it's on the BBC or CNN or Fanstory!!! LOL!
Canadian geese congregated in the neighborhood park. They aren't 'Canadian' geese. They are Canada geese - that is their actual name.
Adore the use of Native language at the start of the chapter. Got my heart racing immediately. It just adds a certain mysticism, somehow. And you know how much I love that!
At their leader's signal, they took flight and quickly settled into a V-formation leaving behind the human's dwelling as their ranks covered miles in mere minutes. - Oh, fantastic, Bev. What an image. I ADORE watching them fly like that. You're inspiring me with this. Merits a short, methinks.
Debra and Earl Padget built their home when Earl returned from serving in WWII. Anxious to fill it with children, the couple endured the pain of multiple miscarriages until, at age thirty-eight, Debra finally carried a child to full term. But when their infant boy died just weeks after birth, Earl agreed that working outside the home might be a good antidote for his wife's grief. - This paragraph only serves to show how very recently this world (especially for women) has progressed. This could be a scene from the middle ages, couldn't it?
The way you describe him coming into the house - Wah! I got the chills and looked over my shoulder. I know I'm safe, though. I have a 30lb three legged dog that would rip the legs of a grizzly bear. (yeah, right)
And also, the way he's hanging around at the crime scene. I understand that is something these psychopaths like to do. Very chilling. See, I got (Canada) goose bumps again. LOL!
Anyway, I really love it. I am so looking forward to more of this story.
Great job, Bev.
Love Av
x
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2012
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OMG Bev, you are onto a winner with this. It's bloody brilliant. The plot formation is FANTASTIC. The tension palpable. The dialogue dead on. I mean, really, really excellent.
This is worthy of several sixes, but you'll have to imagine them, since I'm not allowed right now. Oh, how you have got my curiosity stirred up, my eagerness to know more. I'm bouncing around on my seat here, spilling my tea.
Holy crap, you've got these characters charging out of the gate. Each one defined already, with their mannerisms and quirks. I just can't wait to read more.
Is this something you've had lingering for a while? Or has it just come to you recently? Whatever, it is very good.
Boorhish - think this should be boorish?
Only one thing stood out as inaccurate and it crops up all the time when these chappies are being discussed, whether it's on the BBC or CNN or Fanstory!!! LOL!
Canadian geese congregated in the neighborhood park. They aren't 'Canadian' geese. They are Canada geese - that is their actual name.
Adore the use of Native language at the start of the chapter. Got my heart racing immediately. It just adds a certain mysticism, somehow. And you know how much I love that!
At their leader's signal, they took flight and quickly settled into a V-formation leaving behind the human's dwelling as their ranks covered miles in mere minutes. - Oh, fantastic, Bev. What an image. I ADORE watching them fly like that. You're inspiring me with this. Merits a short, methinks.
Debra and Earl Padget built their home when Earl returned from serving in WWII. Anxious to fill it with children, the couple endured the pain of multiple miscarriages until, at age thirty-eight, Debra finally carried a child to full term. But when their infant boy died just weeks after birth, Earl agreed that working outside the home might be a good antidote for his wife's grief. - This paragraph only serves to show how very recently this world (especially for women) has progressed. This could be a scene from the middle ages, couldn't it?
The way you describe him coming into the house - Wah! I got the chills and looked over my shoulder. I know I'm safe, though. I have a 30lb three legged dog that would rip the legs of a grizzly bear. (yeah, right)
And also, the way he's hanging around at the crime scene. I understand that is something these psychopaths like to do. Very chilling. See, I got (Canada) goose bumps again. LOL!
Anyway, I really love it. I am so looking forward to more of this story.
Great job, Bev.
Love Av
x
Comment Written 09-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2012
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Thanks so very much, Av. I'm really thrilled to know my story passes muster with you - the queen of beautiful descriptions LOL. And, thank you for clearing up the matter of what the geese are called. We have so many of them where I live. I love seeing and hearing them in flight. I will be sure to correct everyone around me when they refer to them as Canadian LOL!
I've been a passionate reader of murder mysteries for years. And now I have a premium channel that features stories from real life cases all day long. So, I've got inspiration there, too.
I think the way this story is flowing is an insight into what I reall enjoy writing and I know you understand what I mean. I've been trying different styles, but this seems to be what I gravitate to naturally.
The story is going to have some psychosocial aspects to it. May offend some, but shouldn't really be a surprise either.
I'm so grateful for your interest and support, Av. Means a lot to me! Hugs, Bev
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I can sense it's your thing. It's not forced. At all. I feel the natural flow of it. Seriously, I got a tingle reading it, like I was tuned in to the energy of the piece. Really weird, but very exciting.
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That means a lot to me, Av. It's the kind of connection I feel between you and Alex. Hey, we're sympatico!! Hugs, Bev
Comment from InterestingRon
Hi Bev
A good write, as always with you.
One point about your previous comments (in red). They are very precise about what happened last - but offer no general overview about the theme of the novel. Readers coming to this story for the first time might be confused.
The opening is good supplying background information. And the action in the last part stops at just the right place to leave a hook for the next chapter.
Looking forward to it.
Ron xox
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2012
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Hi Bev
A good write, as always with you.
One point about your previous comments (in red). They are very precise about what happened last - but offer no general overview about the theme of the novel. Readers coming to this story for the first time might be confused.
The opening is good supplying background information. And the action in the last part stops at just the right place to leave a hook for the next chapter.
Looking forward to it.
Ron xox
Comment Written 09-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2012
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Hi, Ron. Thanks, as always, for your time and interest. I appreciate you comment regarding the background information. Are you suggesting that I expand what's in the background section or what is in the red section? Appreciate the help...xxx Bev
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The red section only Bev. In my script I just say that Kate and Ivan had a brief affair. They had a love child, James. Ivan abandons them and James is now a troubled teenager suffering from mental illness. If that's your kind of story you'll read on. In your case you give a detailed account of what the reader has just missed - but not the overview theme of the work. xox
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Oh, that makes sense. I wasn't feeling it was totally successful, so the change you are suggesting should be a better transition. Thanks! Xxx Bev
Comment from peggles
This is a very interesting and exciting chapter it is full of suspense and I can't work out who did the deed I supposed I shall have to wait for futher chapters before the puzzle unravels
This is a good chapter with a fascinating hook to make you reader need to know more
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2012
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This is a very interesting and exciting chapter it is full of suspense and I can't work out who did the deed I supposed I shall have to wait for futher chapters before the puzzle unravels
This is a good chapter with a fascinating hook to make you reader need to know more
Comment Written 09-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2012
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Hi, peggles. Thanks for your great review! Well, you'll get inside his mind, but the indentity is, unfortunately, twenty chapters away. I'll try to keep you happy meanwhile. Xxx Bev
Comment from misscookie
This is a very interesting andexciting chapterI can't wait to see who done it. I know
it will be awhile before that is known. This isagreaty chaopter.
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2012
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This is a very interesting andexciting chapterI can't wait to see who done it. I know
it will be awhile before that is known. This isagreaty chaopter.
Comment Written 09-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2012
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Hi there, misscookie. Thank you for your great review. I'm so happy you are enjoying my little murder mystery. I appreciate the support. Blessings, Bev
Comment from robina1978
Poor Debra so many miscarriages, then a baby that dies very young. Decides to work. Loses her husband rather young and now got murdered in a rather gruesome way.
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2012
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Poor Debra so many miscarriages, then a baby that dies very young. Decides to work. Loses her husband rather young and now got murdered in a rather gruesome way.
Comment Written 09-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2012
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Hi, robina. I appreciate your insights here. I did take an extra amount of time to profile the murder victim because I hoped to inspire real sympathy for her. In a lot of murder mysteries, they're just a means to an end to furthering the action. Elizabeth George, one of my favorite mystery writers always manages to leave you with a feeling for the victim, so I'm taking my cue from her. Really appreciate your time, my friend. Have a great weekend...Bev
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Yes I see what you mean, never thought that way. But you did well to get us involved in her. Have a good weekend too Bev.
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I will, Ine. Xxx Bev
Comment from Kate Walker
Hi Bev,
You set up the new character, Sheriff Oleson, in a few quick paragraphs. Great images of him: 'Even with bifocals, he had to squint to read the small type' & 'Licking the tips of two fingers, he was in the middle of turning a page'. As well as showing the character's exterior, these deft images tell us the kind of man he is, hard-working and intent on doing the best job he can.
The small aside about the waitress was great. He wants a date. There, in one line, is a tiny subplot we'll remember and wait to see how it resolves.
You did a similar thing with the murderer, showed just a few images tailored to suit him, and how chilling was his action with the syringe!
You're a natural story teller and your writing is quality work, so there's no way I'm taking stars off just because I have a suggestion to make. And also because I'm not suggesting anything major, just some editing.
The opening with the geese gives a big-picture view of the story world, and re-introduces the Native American theme, which I loved in Chapter 1. Love the geese.
I don't think you need the next three paragraphs (unless there's something in there you'll be referring to as the plot develops). They're well written, the information is interesting, but for me they slowed down the story.
Just a suggestion: After the par with the geese, you could go straight to dialogue. I've done a rough cut & paste just to give an idea of what I mean.
"I try to give her the benefit of a doubt, Father, but she's a cold fish and I simply don't trust her," Debra confessed to Father Brian during his weekly visit.
Her niece and only-living relative, Darcy, called her pig-headed and said the only 'sensible' option was an assisted living facility. But Debra suspected her niece was more concerned about an inheritence than in what was best for her aunt.
Father Brian's response was the reason so many of his church family treasured him. "Nowhere in the Bible ....
And then run the story as you have it from there.
I write my stories by putting a whole lot of background on the page first. It helps me get a feel for the characters and the world they inhabit. And I know how hard it is to axe that writing sometimes, because it all takes time and lots of effort and I hate throwing it away. But, for me, that's the process.
Like I said, it's just a suggestion. It's your story, you know what's needed and the final call is yours.
I really like Fr. Brian. You've probably guessed by now I'm old catholic, which is to say I was raised one. I'm more a believer in spirit - pure and simple - these days.
Cheers, Kate
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2012
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Hi Bev,
You set up the new character, Sheriff Oleson, in a few quick paragraphs. Great images of him: 'Even with bifocals, he had to squint to read the small type' & 'Licking the tips of two fingers, he was in the middle of turning a page'. As well as showing the character's exterior, these deft images tell us the kind of man he is, hard-working and intent on doing the best job he can.
The small aside about the waitress was great. He wants a date. There, in one line, is a tiny subplot we'll remember and wait to see how it resolves.
You did a similar thing with the murderer, showed just a few images tailored to suit him, and how chilling was his action with the syringe!
You're a natural story teller and your writing is quality work, so there's no way I'm taking stars off just because I have a suggestion to make. And also because I'm not suggesting anything major, just some editing.
The opening with the geese gives a big-picture view of the story world, and re-introduces the Native American theme, which I loved in Chapter 1. Love the geese.
I don't think you need the next three paragraphs (unless there's something in there you'll be referring to as the plot develops). They're well written, the information is interesting, but for me they slowed down the story.
Just a suggestion: After the par with the geese, you could go straight to dialogue. I've done a rough cut & paste just to give an idea of what I mean.
"I try to give her the benefit of a doubt, Father, but she's a cold fish and I simply don't trust her," Debra confessed to Father Brian during his weekly visit.
Her niece and only-living relative, Darcy, called her pig-headed and said the only 'sensible' option was an assisted living facility. But Debra suspected her niece was more concerned about an inheritence than in what was best for her aunt.
Father Brian's response was the reason so many of his church family treasured him. "Nowhere in the Bible ....
And then run the story as you have it from there.
I write my stories by putting a whole lot of background on the page first. It helps me get a feel for the characters and the world they inhabit. And I know how hard it is to axe that writing sometimes, because it all takes time and lots of effort and I hate throwing it away. But, for me, that's the process.
Like I said, it's just a suggestion. It's your story, you know what's needed and the final call is yours.
I really like Fr. Brian. You've probably guessed by now I'm old catholic, which is to say I was raised one. I'm more a believer in spirit - pure and simple - these days.
Cheers, Kate
Comment Written 09-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2012
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Hi, Kate. Thanks for your great review!! I do appreciate all the time you took on this review. It's very helpful to me.
I did include quite a bit on the background of Debra and that's going to be important in several ways later on. But I do acede to your observation that it slows things down a little. My purpose is to deviate somewhat from a tendency to write in a flash fiction style and take a little more time developing characters. My favorite mystery writer, Elizabeth George, always impressed me with her ability to make me feel something for the murder victim. So often, they are just a blip in the story to further the action along. But, your point is well taken and something I will keep in mind for future writing.
I could not agree with you more about how hard it is to axe something you've written. Like you, I'm learning to takes notes and do pre-planning before I set down to write.
So, thanks so much, Kate. It's great to get your perspectives and suggestions.
Warm regards, Bev
Comment from IndianaIrish
A great chapter, Bev. The story is absorbing and I look forward to the next chapter. I like how you give the reader just tiny snippets of the murderer. In the following sentence, you accidentally named Debra Donna...
After dispatching an ambulance to the home of Donna Padget,
Smiles,
Karyn :>)
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2012
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A great chapter, Bev. The story is absorbing and I look forward to the next chapter. I like how you give the reader just tiny snippets of the murderer. In the following sentence, you accidentally named Debra Donna...
After dispatching an ambulance to the home of Donna Padget,
Smiles,
Karyn :>)
Comment Written 09-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2012
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Hi, Karyn. Thanks so much for your great review. I found that I'd misplaced Debra's name in quite a few spots, so thanks for catching that. Guess I should have named her Donna! Your support and encouragement are very appreciate, my friend.
Hugs, Bev
Comment from Connie C
There is so much I like about this chapter of your story, Bev. First, I like that you give a little history of Debra Padget, including her marriage and her relationship with her not-so-grateful niece. I also love the element of mystery too. I read this twice because I thought at first perhaps the priest was the murderer, but I guess not. That would have made it pretty interesting. I am nevertheless curious to know about the third part of this chapter starting with "His state of arousal . . ." Who is this person, I wonder? I could not find a single SPAG in the whole thing, and I looked hard too!! What a great storyteller you are, dear friend. And guess what? I have one six left to give and it is all yours. Connie xoxo
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2012
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There is so much I like about this chapter of your story, Bev. First, I like that you give a little history of Debra Padget, including her marriage and her relationship with her not-so-grateful niece. I also love the element of mystery too. I read this twice because I thought at first perhaps the priest was the murderer, but I guess not. That would have made it pretty interesting. I am nevertheless curious to know about the third part of this chapter starting with "His state of arousal . . ." Who is this person, I wonder? I could not find a single SPAG in the whole thing, and I looked hard too!! What a great storyteller you are, dear friend. And guess what? I have one six left to give and it is all yours. Connie xoxo
Comment Written 09-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2012
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Aw, Connie, thanks for taking so much time to really read and comment on my story. I'm really impressed with your integrity. And thank you for mentioning the specific elements in the story you felt worked for you. That is so helpful!
I'm going to be getting into the killer's head in greater detail in the next chapter. But there are other elements that I have up my sleeve that may be as shocking as a priest committing murder.
I am deeply honored by your exceptional rating and extra star, Connie. What a generous and supportive friend you are.
Hugs, Bev
Comment from wordsfromsue
Great chapter! I have no idea why Psycho Boy would want to kill Debra. I think I need more details. :-) Why does her name go back and forth between Donna and Debra?
Hmmm, is the greedy niece connected to the murder, or simply a red herring? I must stay tuned to find out!
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2012
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Great chapter! I have no idea why Psycho Boy would want to kill Debra. I think I need more details. :-) Why does her name go back and forth between Donna and Debra?
Hmmm, is the greedy niece connected to the murder, or simply a red herring? I must stay tuned to find out!
Comment Written 08-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2012
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Hi, Sue. Thanks for mentioning the name screw-up. Someone else was as sharp as you so I've changed it. You've really got a feel for the story, I can tell already. Loved your review! Bev
Comment from AprilShower
This leaves feeling like I would like to read more. Will this fellow get away with murder? What is his connection with the priest? I read the first chapter. The priest wants to find out what happen to his mother. It's well written. Sounds like an interesting story, Bev. April
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2012
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This leaves feeling like I would like to read more. Will this fellow get away with murder? What is his connection with the priest? I read the first chapter. The priest wants to find out what happen to his mother. It's well written. Sounds like an interesting story, Bev. April
Comment Written 08-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2012
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Hi, April. The feeling of grief and confusion that Father Brian suffers from regarding his mother seem to be a separate issue from the murders. In time the connection will become more clear. Right now, I'm hoping to set the scene and introduce the major players. Sounds like this chapter was a little easier to follow for you...I do very much appreciate your taking time to continue to read. Kind regards, Bev