Poems to Publish
Viewing comments for Chapter 29 "Finding our Bright Side"Spiritual
43 total reviews
Comment from lancellot
I hesitated with this one. While I applaud the positive theme of the poem. It reads awkwardly, like words misplaced and/or missing. I couldn't get why. Then I started counting syllables. I think the imposed requirement to stick with the 8-6-8-6 syllable count, forced sacrifices in the sentence structure. That's why it sounds off when read out loud.
Below are examples of how it sounds with the strict syllable limits and without.
The bright side that helps one to cope
When feeling all alone
Our grandchildren can give us hope
And out of pity zone
or:
The bright side helps you cope
When feeling all alone
Our grandchildren can give us hope
And out of the pity zone
(I changed 'one to' with 'you' for consistency)
To have some loyal, caring friends
Close on your team or squad
A prayerful heart whose kindness mends
Will help stay close to God
-or-
Have some loyal, caring friends
On your team or squad
Prayerful hearts whose kindness mends
Will help you stay close to God
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reply by the author on 21-Jul-2023
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I hesitated with this one. While I applaud the positive theme of the poem. It reads awkwardly, like words misplaced and/or missing. I couldn't get why. Then I started counting syllables. I think the imposed requirement to stick with the 8-6-8-6 syllable count, forced sacrifices in the sentence structure. That's why it sounds off when read out loud.
Below are examples of how it sounds with the strict syllable limits and without.
The bright side that helps one to cope
When feeling all alone
Our grandchildren can give us hope
And out of pity zone
or:
The bright side helps you cope
When feeling all alone
Our grandchildren can give us hope
And out of the pity zone
(I changed 'one to' with 'you' for consistency)
To have some loyal, caring friends
Close on your team or squad
A prayerful heart whose kindness mends
Will help stay close to God
-or-
Have some loyal, caring friends
On your team or squad
Prayerful hearts whose kindness mends
Will help you stay close to God
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 21-Jul-2023
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2023
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Lance, I agree w you 100% and yet when my syllable count is off, and I go by the sound and meter, I seem to hear about it. I really appreciate it and plan on changing it but have one question, as it might be how each reads it. Initially I had them as 7/6 and maybe I should have stuck w that.
Do you think maybe the last line that you helped me with might be just a little bit out of meter and one extra syllable? I stumble a little. But it might be me?
But thank you. I appreciate your kind feedback more than you could possibly know.
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I guess the questions you have ask are: Is syllable count and meter more important than readability and tone? Which does the average reader notice? If the sentences are confusing when read, does the meter matter?
I think you risk losing the message for meter and count (Who made the law meter is required for every poem? Sometimes it messes things up)
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Yes, I needed to hear that!
I know exactly what I have to do now, thanks to you!
I appreciate it and editing to have it make complete sense too. Thanks again Lance!
Comment from lyenochka
Amen! And with all that you've been through, I know you've developed that skill of finding the bright side to an astronomical level! Thank you for showing us the importance and the blessings we have in our family and our friends who support us. My favorite stanza was:
"The most rewarding gift you'll find
To think of others when
A peaceful joy will fill your mind
To do for fellow men"
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2023
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Amen! And with all that you've been through, I know you've developed that skill of finding the bright side to an astronomical level! Thank you for showing us the importance and the blessings we have in our family and our friends who support us. My favorite stanza was:
"The most rewarding gift you'll find
To think of others when
A peaceful joy will fill your mind
To do for fellow men"
Comment Written 21-Jul-2023
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2023
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Helen, bright sides would sure be more difficult without friends like you.
I thank you so much for your awesome review and comments for my Bright Side poem. Your encouragement and kindness always means so much to me. Thanks again, dear friend.
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❤️❤️❤️
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Do you know if Curt is still here? I never hear from him anymore if he is.
Comment from GWHARGIS
I have my gratitude journal. It helps me find my bright side. My children also can bring me out of a funk. Each one has a quirky personality. Your poem is a good reminder of thinking positive. Great job. Gretchen
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reply by the author on 22-Jul-2023
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I have my gratitude journal. It helps me find my bright side. My children also can bring me out of a funk. Each one has a quirky personality. Your poem is a good reminder of thinking positive. Great job. Gretchen
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Comment Written 21-Jul-2023
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2023
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Gretchen, yes, my children help me a lot too. But LOL, sometimes they get a little bossy as they think they know what's best for me and then I need a bright side to deal with them. Haha!
I thank you so much for your awesome review and comments for my Bright Side poem. I needed a little pep talk of my own, so thought I'd take my best of friends here with me. Your kindness always means so much to me. Thanks again, dear friend.
