The Seamstress
She rips what she sews...35 total reviews
Comment from Spiritual Echo
It is very obvious how much work you put into this story. To me, this is the prologue to a book or a much longer story. While it was a masterful presentation, gripping from the beginning, I found about 3/4 of the way into the story Papa was reading (that of course I didn't know was a bedtime tale) I thought clearly, 'why did the author TELL the story, instead of SHOW the readers,' but of course it was revealed a short while later.
The bedtime story did consume most of this post, and I really would clue the reader in earlier. Perhaps Papa setting the book aside and asking the boy if he wasn't sleepy yet, then going back to the reading. It would break the narrative with the dialogue and perk up the readers to wonder why a man was reading spooky stuff to a kid--building some anticipation--wondering how it would end.
I'm quite certain that this is a winning entry, but especially because of the long storytelling, I wouldn't be so quick to kill off the kid, maybe have him wake up as his mouth was half stitched or reveal that Grandma is Mary's surviving child is the kid's grandma. There's just so many places this story could go, and I hope after the contest you won't set this aside and forget it.
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2015
  |
It is very obvious how much work you put into this story. To me, this is the prologue to a book or a much longer story. While it was a masterful presentation, gripping from the beginning, I found about 3/4 of the way into the story Papa was reading (that of course I didn't know was a bedtime tale) I thought clearly, 'why did the author TELL the story, instead of SHOW the readers,' but of course it was revealed a short while later.
The bedtime story did consume most of this post, and I really would clue the reader in earlier. Perhaps Papa setting the book aside and asking the boy if he wasn't sleepy yet, then going back to the reading. It would break the narrative with the dialogue and perk up the readers to wonder why a man was reading spooky stuff to a kid--building some anticipation--wondering how it would end.
I'm quite certain that this is a winning entry, but especially because of the long storytelling, I wouldn't be so quick to kill off the kid, maybe have him wake up as his mouth was half stitched or reveal that Grandma is Mary's surviving child is the kid's grandma. There's just so many places this story could go, and I hope after the contest you won't set this aside and forget it.
Comment Written 16-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 16-Jan-2015
-
I took your excellent advice, Ingrid, and I've made some changes. Thanks very much for that great feedback. I also very much appreciate your very generous rating.
As for continuing the tale, I hadn't given it much thought. You are right, however. It is a story with endless possibilities. Perhaps I should consider writing additional chapters and make an entire novel out of it? Something to ponder...
At any rate, thanks so much for all of your advice, as well as your encouragement. I'm very grateful. :}
-
It's a superb opening for a novel.
Comment from S.M.E.Schultz
That was gruesomely awesome! As a rule I can't bear to read horror stories but that was gripping! There were a couple of spots where it seems you left out a word, but the gist was clear: the line "There would [be] hell to pay." Also in the line "It's never [been proven." Not sure it if was deliberate. A great read!
 |
That was gruesomely awesome! As a rule I can't bear to read horror stories but that was gripping! There were a couple of spots where it seems you left out a word, but the gist was clear: the line "There would [be] hell to pay." Also in the line "It's never [been proven." Not sure it if was deliberate. A great read!
Comment Written 16-Jan-2015
Comment from livelylinda
Author: this is an excellent horror story. It has the new "bad guy" and original theme as requested for the contest. It reads easily and kept this reader on the edge of my seat and holding my breath to see what would happen next. I was a wee bit disappointed in the ending. It left me wondering if there is a next chapter or a part two to follow. I'm hanging just a bit even though I'm confident that the little boy will lose his tongue and have his mouth sown shut by the morning. Great imagination, you. livelylinda
|
Author: this is an excellent horror story. It has the new "bad guy" and original theme as requested for the contest. It reads easily and kept this reader on the edge of my seat and holding my breath to see what would happen next. I was a wee bit disappointed in the ending. It left me wondering if there is a next chapter or a part two to follow. I'm hanging just a bit even though I'm confident that the little boy will lose his tongue and have his mouth sown shut by the morning. Great imagination, you. livelylinda
Comment Written 16-Jan-2015
Comment from jpduck
I enjoyed this, despite the blood and gore. In the first part you have captured well the period style. I also loved the idea of the story within a story.
Some typos, SPAGs and suggestions:
'As she was unable to speak, the tortured look in the poor girl's eyes' (I suggest that it would make more sense if you delete 'As' and insert 'but' after 'speak,').
'There would *be* hell to pay'
'She was known to be aloof, and more than a little standoffish towards the people within their community' (You don't need 'aloof' and 'standoffish' - they both mean exactly the same thing).
'whilst the rear most horse's hindquarters was slapped, ('rear most' is one word - 'rearmost').
'to purchase the fine*,* French*,* white linen and lace' (Consecutive adjectives).
Adrian
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
|
I enjoyed this, despite the blood and gore. In the first part you have captured well the period style. I also loved the idea of the story within a story.
Some typos, SPAGs and suggestions:
'As she was unable to speak, the tortured look in the poor girl's eyes' (I suggest that it would make more sense if you delete 'As' and insert 'but' after 'speak,').
'There would *be* hell to pay'
'She was known to be aloof, and more than a little standoffish towards the people within their community' (You don't need 'aloof' and 'standoffish' - they both mean exactly the same thing).
'whilst the rear most horse's hindquarters was slapped, ('rear most' is one word - 'rearmost').
'to purchase the fine*,* French*,* white linen and lace' (Consecutive adjectives).
Adrian
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 16-Jan-2015
Comment from Debbie Noland
This is a delightfully frightening story, enhanced by its story-within-a-story frame tale structure. The opening verse and diary entry provide a pseudo-historical context that makes the latter portion all the more believable.
This piece could serve as a textbook for the technique of foreshadowing. The details of Mary's methods of torture and her material evidences--such as the golden thimble-- set the scene for what is to happen later with Danny, so much so that you don't even have to tell us. Our minds make the inferential leap perfectly, intensifying the horror effect.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
|
This is a delightfully frightening story, enhanced by its story-within-a-story frame tale structure. The opening verse and diary entry provide a pseudo-historical context that makes the latter portion all the more believable.
This piece could serve as a textbook for the technique of foreshadowing. The details of Mary's methods of torture and her material evidences--such as the golden thimble-- set the scene for what is to happen later with Danny, so much so that you don't even have to tell us. Our minds make the inferential leap perfectly, intensifying the horror effect.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 16-Jan-2015