The Eyes Have It
Rose has quite the green thumb -- or red, perhaps...50 total reviews
Comment from OrrinRiver
This was a very fun (if morbid) story to read. Your enthusiasm and gifts with building tone through word choice is evident. I was very impressed with how you kept the tone edgy and consistent all while taking a writing risk with the pov of your character here. It works well. I had some suggestions. As always, take them or leave them. It was just my opinion as I read your piece.
Just a few observations. One is the very first line. I loved the 'Hell-Oh there' line, but you took me out of the instant mood you created by trying to explain it. I understood the emphasis was on the Hell just from the way it was written, and felt annoyed that you didn't trust me to get it. In fact I scanned ahead to see if you did it anymore because it was a real mood breaker. Other than that the first into paragraph is perfect in setting the tone of creepy fun. You have a gift for choosing the right word combinations. Well done!
The paragraph about getting the drink threw me off a little, but that might be OK. Just know that as a reader it seemed contradictory as she is offering him a drink but then says she doesn't have any in the house. Of course, looking back I referenced the lemonade line again and it made sense . One suggestion would be to replace the word "drink" with lemonade, and then something like "No, Ben, we have never had that type of drink in the house. I'm only seventeen. Juice? Yes, we do have some of that." Anyway, it seemed like I should care at the time about the "drinks," and it was confusing the first time reading it. In the end it had little to do with the story.
Find the paragraph that starts "What's that? Speak up,..." Try reading it without the following two lines - "You do recall the case, but not the particulars?... Do you take me for a fool?" I think it is stronger without those two lines. With this thought in mind, I think the paragraph about him removing Rose's eyes is stronger without "He simply couldn't risk the chance of getting caught." That is implied, and seems redundant.
"You certainly did the job Howard and Lena Richter paid you to do very well, Ben." In this line here, I think it would read better if you dropped the "very well, Ben" or moved "very well" after job so it read "You certainly did the job very well that H. & L paid you to do."
Very fun story with great word choice and tone. I love your creativity with the pictures and the "Word from our Sponsor." I think the risk you took with the first person here works well and adds to the creepiness. I liked the explanation you gave about this.
Orrin
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2014
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This was a very fun (if morbid) story to read. Your enthusiasm and gifts with building tone through word choice is evident. I was very impressed with how you kept the tone edgy and consistent all while taking a writing risk with the pov of your character here. It works well. I had some suggestions. As always, take them or leave them. It was just my opinion as I read your piece.
Just a few observations. One is the very first line. I loved the 'Hell-Oh there' line, but you took me out of the instant mood you created by trying to explain it. I understood the emphasis was on the Hell just from the way it was written, and felt annoyed that you didn't trust me to get it. In fact I scanned ahead to see if you did it anymore because it was a real mood breaker. Other than that the first into paragraph is perfect in setting the tone of creepy fun. You have a gift for choosing the right word combinations. Well done!
The paragraph about getting the drink threw me off a little, but that might be OK. Just know that as a reader it seemed contradictory as she is offering him a drink but then says she doesn't have any in the house. Of course, looking back I referenced the lemonade line again and it made sense . One suggestion would be to replace the word "drink" with lemonade, and then something like "No, Ben, we have never had that type of drink in the house. I'm only seventeen. Juice? Yes, we do have some of that." Anyway, it seemed like I should care at the time about the "drinks," and it was confusing the first time reading it. In the end it had little to do with the story.
Find the paragraph that starts "What's that? Speak up,..." Try reading it without the following two lines - "You do recall the case, but not the particulars?... Do you take me for a fool?" I think it is stronger without those two lines. With this thought in mind, I think the paragraph about him removing Rose's eyes is stronger without "He simply couldn't risk the chance of getting caught." That is implied, and seems redundant.
"You certainly did the job Howard and Lena Richter paid you to do very well, Ben." In this line here, I think it would read better if you dropped the "very well, Ben" or moved "very well" after job so it read "You certainly did the job very well that H. & L paid you to do."
Very fun story with great word choice and tone. I love your creativity with the pictures and the "Word from our Sponsor." I think the risk you took with the first person here works well and adds to the creepiness. I liked the explanation you gave about this.
Orrin
Comment Written 08-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2014
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Thank you very much for the excellent feedback, OrrinRiver. That is precisely what I like to see. I've also implemented some of your suggestions (I truly hope you don't mind) and eliminated some of the text that made the story seem redundant and confusing for you. I don't want that come time to vote here in about four days, that's for certain.
Thanks so much again for your insights as well as your comments. I do appreciate it.
Comment from Sonaleeka
Very well written and refreshing.Very interesting entry for the contest .I just loved it.Worth reading.Thanks for sharing.
God bless!
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2014
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Very well written and refreshing.Very interesting entry for the contest .I just loved it.Worth reading.Thanks for sharing.
God bless!
Comment Written 08-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2014
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Thanks very much for reading it, Sonaleeka.
Comment from TheWriteTeach
This is a quirky tale of revenge. Your choice to tell it in the first person POV worked quite well. Not giving Ben an active voice was very effective AND affective to give this piece a dark and chilling presence. You had some nice foreshadowing in the opening lines. The descriptive narrative about Ben popping out Rose's eyes painted a vivid, albeit gross, picture in the mind's eye. Everything you wrote moved the story forward; nothing slowed or stalled it out. This flowed well from the start to end, and nothing needed to be re-read for clarification or understanding.
I was slightly disappointed when Rose and her girlfriends didn't finish off Ben. Perhaps because I have an extreme dislike for lawyers and want them all have their just desserts, I needed a stronger closure than Rose simply telling Ben she had all the time in the world to inflict pain on him. Tell us what pain she inflicted and where, then finish him off - this dude needs to die.
Nicely done. Good luck in the contest. Almost forgot - putting a break in the middle for a word from the sponsor was flipping hysterical.
Suzanne
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2014
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This is a quirky tale of revenge. Your choice to tell it in the first person POV worked quite well. Not giving Ben an active voice was very effective AND affective to give this piece a dark and chilling presence. You had some nice foreshadowing in the opening lines. The descriptive narrative about Ben popping out Rose's eyes painted a vivid, albeit gross, picture in the mind's eye. Everything you wrote moved the story forward; nothing slowed or stalled it out. This flowed well from the start to end, and nothing needed to be re-read for clarification or understanding.
I was slightly disappointed when Rose and her girlfriends didn't finish off Ben. Perhaps because I have an extreme dislike for lawyers and want them all have their just desserts, I needed a stronger closure than Rose simply telling Ben she had all the time in the world to inflict pain on him. Tell us what pain she inflicted and where, then finish him off - this dude needs to die.
Nicely done. Good luck in the contest. Almost forgot - putting a break in the middle for a word from the sponsor was flipping hysterical.
Suzanne
Comment Written 08-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2014
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Ha ha, and die he will, Teach, just as soon as our dear Rose takes care of things in his...nether regions.
I feared I had put far too much gore in the story already, so I left it to your imagination as to exactly how old Ben died. However, we do know he's going to die eventually, it's more a matter of when then how.
I'm glad you liked the first person approach to this. Many have not. It has received every rating under the sun, except for a one star review, but it is still early. It's gotten one 2 star review, one three, four fours, several fives, and more sixes than anything else. So, I'm not too sure how to gauge the opinions. I guess I'll know in four days, when people start to vote on the contestants entries. That will be the true tale of the tape.
Thanks so much again for the excellent feedback and the six star rating. All are greatly appreciated!
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This is why you are behind in your responses - you are writing up a storm these days and have a massive amount of reviews to answer! Your poor muse needs a rest. You mentioned the first person approach - I don't usually care for the first person POV, but this seemed to work quite well. I think if you gave Ben a voice in this, it would weaken the impact on the reader. This way we only know Rose's side, and because of that, we believe every word she days. If Ben had a voice, he would deny her claims, and tell his version in order to convince her to let him go. Depending on how strong an arguement he presented, the reader wouldn't know who to believe. The first person POV was absolutely the way to go with this. You have a strong woman (ghost) determined to carry out revenge and nothing was there to sway her. As for too much gore - is such a thing even possible? The deed needs to be done - I say chop off Ben's, uh, nether region, as you say. Strange, the name Lorena Bobbit comes to mind! Hehehe . . .
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Ha ha, yeah, you go, Rose...you go, girl!
I try to listen to everyone's point of view when they've taken the time to sit down and actually read a story of this length and subject matter. That's why I assigned so much money for reading it, I wanted to reward potential reviewers for taking the time to do so.
But some of the negative reviews feel as if they got a paragraph or two (maybe!) into it and said, "To hell with it, I'm not reading any more." At least, that's how it felt to me.
As I said earlier, the proof will be in the pudding when the voters have their say in just four days from now. Then, we'll see...
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Well, my dear friend, for those who only read a paragraph or two and ditched it - it's their loss. You know as well as I do that you have to sift through the feedback and take the ones with merit and junk the rest. Your writing is exceptional and you have a good following - you will do well in the voting. You've got my vote, for sure.
Comment from Cajungirl
Horrifyingly fantastic
Fabulous, stupendous and dog-gone-exceptional
I felt like I just watched Tales from the crypt/tales from the darkside/Nightmare theater/thriller all rolled into one. I think I'm gonna sit up for a while for fear of nightmares.
Exceptional job, the artworks used were great. Good luck in the contest. The commercial was superb.
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2014
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Horrifyingly fantastic
Fabulous, stupendous and dog-gone-exceptional
I felt like I just watched Tales from the crypt/tales from the darkside/Nightmare theater/thriller all rolled into one. I think I'm gonna sit up for a while for fear of nightmares.
Exceptional job, the artworks used were great. Good luck in the contest. The commercial was superb.
Comment Written 08-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2014
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Oh, thanks so much,Cajungirl. After a rather mean spirited review from another dear member whom I've always admired, I truly needed the pick-me-up. I'm glad to know you saw it for exactly what it was, what it was meant to be. Just down-home, creepy entertainment.
I truly appreciate you kind comments and exceptional rating very much!
Comment from livelylinda
Author: I found no "ah ha moments" at all. I guessed everything and most of the details before they happened. This made it a very long and sometimes boring read. I was not creaped out, frightened nor chilled by it all. . .maybe we think too much alike. . .Nice try. livelylinda
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2014
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Author: I found no "ah ha moments" at all. I guessed everything and most of the details before they happened. This made it a very long and sometimes boring read. I was not creaped out, frightened nor chilled by it all. . .maybe we think too much alike. . .Nice try. livelylinda
Comment Written 07-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2014
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A-h-h, I am so sorry you felt as if you've wasted your time reading this, livelylinda. I am also very sorry you were not CREEPED out, or entertained, and that I've let you down. I do really appreciate you so very much for taking time out of your busy schedule to drop in and give me your opinions about the story, just the same.
Thanks so much again.
Comment from Dawn Munro
Incredibly horrifying and so exceptionally well plotted. Everything about this screams masterpiece. Just three very tiny 'nits':
1) "...It's a safe neighborhood..." << check this sentence - "ever" and "bad" need to trade places
2) "...prowling for his (next) victim..." << not for his "latest"
3) "...After all, Ben(,) I have all the time in the world." << needs a comma, not a period.
If ever there was a time I needed a six, this is it, and I HAVEN'T GOT ONE!
Fabulous!!!!Brilliant!!! (Psychotic. LOL) No jest - the best horror story I've read on this site to date.
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2014
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Incredibly horrifying and so exceptionally well plotted. Everything about this screams masterpiece. Just three very tiny 'nits':
1) "...It's a safe neighborhood..." << check this sentence - "ever" and "bad" need to trade places
2) "...prowling for his (next) victim..." << not for his "latest"
3) "...After all, Ben(,) I have all the time in the world." << needs a comma, not a period.
If ever there was a time I needed a six, this is it, and I HAVEN'T GOT ONE!
Fabulous!!!!Brilliant!!! (Psychotic. LOL) No jest - the best horror story I've read on this site to date.
Comment Written 07-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2014
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Thanks a bunch, Dawn! And I have implemented some of your suggestions and corrected those pesky nits, LOL.
As far as sixes go, it's really not why I do this, although they are a nice validation to receive from someone to tell you they felt you did an exceptional job of writing. If you were entertained, then all of the late night edits and writing sprees to get it completed were well worth the effort.
Thanks so much again, Dawn, for everything!
Comment from Jay Squires
A good, wholesome, entertaining read. Hey, it's time you stop giving your muse the rap and take responsibility for what goes on in your own mind. Just 'cause you chopped off your muse's legs so she can't go anywhere, doesn't mean she hasn't retained her sweetness and innocence. It's your mind's responsible, lad!
Oh, now look -- just look at what you've gone and done! [Is a transition needed here? She leaves him to go get a drink for him. Then he apparently spilled blood. And then she takes out his eye. All in three paragraphs: reminiscent one or a whole bunch of Dean Kuch's poems.
It took a while and I evolved beyond the need for transitions. I began to see the intended structure.
Scary-funny stuff. Good luck with the contest.
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2014
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A good, wholesome, entertaining read. Hey, it's time you stop giving your muse the rap and take responsibility for what goes on in your own mind. Just 'cause you chopped off your muse's legs so she can't go anywhere, doesn't mean she hasn't retained her sweetness and innocence. It's your mind's responsible, lad!
Oh, now look -- just look at what you've gone and done! [Is a transition needed here? She leaves him to go get a drink for him. Then he apparently spilled blood. And then she takes out his eye. All in three paragraphs: reminiscent one or a whole bunch of Dean Kuch's poems.
It took a while and I evolved beyond the need for transitions. I began to see the intended structure.
Scary-funny stuff. Good luck with the contest.
Comment Written 07-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2014
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Ha ha, well, it is all his fault, Jay. Really it is. I'm glad you were finally able to get into the flow and structure of the story. It's meant to read as if you're viewing one of those late-night horror show hosted creature features that used to be so wildly popular, back in the day. That's what the contest requirements stated, and that's what I set out to do.
Yeah, that Dean Kuch guy? he's flippin' nuts!
Thanks again!
Comment from Max Edon
I thought that this story was awesome. I enjoyed it so much that I gave it six stars even though the math didn't add up. Rose was only seventeen and her father was arrested n1978. Was she dead when she did this to Ben?
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2014
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I thought that this story was awesome. I enjoyed it so much that I gave it six stars even though the math didn't add up. Rose was only seventeen and her father was arrested n1978. Was she dead when she did this to Ben?
Comment Written 07-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2014
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Yes, she was, Max. Her hatred for Ben Pfizer was so intense, it brought her back from the grave, along with all of the poor unfortunate young girls that Ben had done this to in the past. They all came back for him.
I hope that helps sort things out for you a bit, and I really appreciate your very generous review and rating. Thanks so much again!
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You are welcome
Comment from barbara.wilkey
Yes, you gave plenty of warnings. I can see why. You did a wonderful job writing contest entry and I am sure your will do well. Good luck.
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2014
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Yes, you gave plenty of warnings. I can see why. You did a wonderful job writing contest entry and I am sure your will do well. Good luck.
Comment Written 07-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2014
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Ugh, I know, Barbara. And I have no doubts that I will catch many sideways glances in church from Pastor Pride this coming Sunday.
I try to tell folks, although they rarely believe me, that in the real world, the "waking world" we all live in, I rarely ever curse -- ever! I think those who do so excessively make themselves appear unintelligent and unrefined. However, when I write and get "into character", my muse takes over completely and the characters I'm writing about do the speaking for themselves. I only write what I hear them say.
Sounds weird, I know. But it's true.
Thanks so much for being very kind, and for at least giving it a shot. When Mike Battalia, whom I greatly admire and respect as a horror writer, beat me out for the Story of the Month contest, the gloves came off! We will see what happens.
Thank you so much again, Barbara.
Comment from OLA THOMAS
This is a wonderful but energy sapping work! A lot of creativity inputs to arrive at the last delivery. I enjoyed your well researched work. Cudos!
ola thomas
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2014
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This is a wonderful but energy sapping work! A lot of creativity inputs to arrive at the last delivery. I enjoyed your well researched work. Cudos!
ola thomas
Comment Written 07-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2014
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Ha, "energy sapping work" for who, OLA? Me, for having written it and put it all together, or for you, for having to endure reading it, LOL?
Whichever the case, I really appreciate you giving it a shot! Thank you! :}