A Devil's Triangle
Ripped from the headlines...62 total reviews
Comment from Domino 2
Despite your notes, David, the trochaic and gerund start to that line ruined the flow for me. Why not:
'He trembled, sweated: never knowing whether' as a quick suggestion, and I think that's more 'active' than 'ing-ending' 'passive', but that's just my humble opinion.
Of course, to share a ditch' with a loved one is far better than a Palace where love is vacant, but you know that and I'm sure that was your subtle inference from the bitter tone of the one rejected.
Excellent!
Best wishes, Ted
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2014
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Despite your notes, David, the trochaic and gerund start to that line ruined the flow for me. Why not:
'He trembled, sweated: never knowing whether' as a quick suggestion, and I think that's more 'active' than 'ing-ending' 'passive', but that's just my humble opinion.
Of course, to share a ditch' with a loved one is far better than a Palace where love is vacant, but you know that and I'm sure that was your subtle inference from the bitter tone of the one rejected.
Excellent!
Best wishes, Ted
Comment Written 19-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2014
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Ted, a lot of people don't like metrical substitutions, which is one reason why I haven't used many here. I do, however, think it works, and chose it for the physicality of what it does. I do appreciate your opinion, and thanks for the suggestion, and it took me awhile to get myself to use them, but I've grown to see the benefits, especially during poetry readings. I'm not right and you're not wrong, though, my friend. It's all opinion, and I do appreciate yours, so please forgive me for not taking your suggestion, which is exactly what I would of used had I not purposefully chosen a met sub. Actually, the inference of the ditch is because that's where he buried his wife and her lover.
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I entirely agree it's a matter of taste, David, and I would never criticise your poetic ability and wonderful use of meter.
Of course I 'forgive you', and no way do I ever expect my humble suggs to anyone to be taken up.
Thanks for the final explanation, and it's great to see there was a 'happy' ending after all. Serves em right. LOL
Cheers, my gracious and patient friend. Ted
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Nor would I criticize your valid opinion on the matter. It's definitely a divisive issue, and I actually find myself using the device less, but these things seem to come in waves. Of the several poems waiting in the wings, none of them have subs. Anyway, I have no problem with a dissenting opinion if it makes sense, and your certainly does, my brother. Thanks!
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I'm still kicking my own arse for missing the fact he murdered them. D'OH! :-)
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Come ON, man. You're better than THAT! ;-)
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I have my share of 'blonde' days, David, though I admit I'm usually BRILLIANT! LOL!
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I DO expect the brilliance, my friend, which is why I feel validated in beating you about the blonde head and shoulders when you do like I do, and slip into that every now and then.
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:-) x
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Ted, you made a difference. The more I thought about it, the less I felt convinced that it needed a substitution there, so I found a way to change it that I liked. Thanks! DNB
Comment from livelylinda
David: you write a lot of "woman done you wrong" verse. Old bad memories still haunting you? I love this piece, including the well-put message that he killed both and buried them in a ditch. You're so good. . .Linda
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2014
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David: you write a lot of "woman done you wrong" verse. Old bad memories still haunting you? I love this piece, including the well-put message that he killed both and buried them in a ditch. You're so good. . .Linda
Comment Written 19-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2014
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Don't take it too literally, Linda, especially in this case, but you're right that I do. But that's just because I'm a guy. I see the mirror effect from a lot of women, artists, etc., like Taylor Swift.
I really appreciate your great review, my friend. You always make me smile.
David
Comment from rama devi
Glad it's nothing personal, LOL! Harsh reaction in that triangle, but it makes for good dramatic poetry. Great pun on hearts in the closing: Where hearts were cracked, and sacked, and then interred.
Flawless meter (substitution works well) and superb rhyming, especially brick-a-brac and back. (I do think brick needs K on it bu am not certain)
Good active opening line, draws the reader right in to the scene and the mood:
He stamped the earth in boots of muddied leather,
Great alliteration on H:
And trudged, head hung, along a homeward path,
Great consonance of T:
Trembling and sweating, though not knowing whether
Great consonance of V:
It was a virus or a fevered wrath.
Good weaving in of dialog. Great consonance and alliteration of S and subtle alliteration o A and B and C:
She?d left him stranded with a dog, two cats,
A cottage of disheveled bric-a-brac,
Assorted sweaters, shoes, and stacks of hats,
And four cold words: I?m never coming back!
Superb volta and internal dialog and rhyming--!!
He thought, You?re never leaving, though, you bitch.
Your lover came for you, and wasn?t he
Surprised to find you two would share a ditch
And not a cozy condo by the sea?
Brilliant closing couplet--both lines, superb:
He looked behind, where rain?and madness?blurred
Where hearts were cracked, and sacked, and then interred.
Great rhyme pair too...blurred and interred. Nice alliteration on B and H, and consonance of L, H, D and CK. Fine internal rhyme.
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2014
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Glad it's nothing personal, LOL! Harsh reaction in that triangle, but it makes for good dramatic poetry. Great pun on hearts in the closing: Where hearts were cracked, and sacked, and then interred.
Flawless meter (substitution works well) and superb rhyming, especially brick-a-brac and back. (I do think brick needs K on it bu am not certain)
Good active opening line, draws the reader right in to the scene and the mood:
He stamped the earth in boots of muddied leather,
Great alliteration on H:
And trudged, head hung, along a homeward path,
Great consonance of T:
Trembling and sweating, though not knowing whether
Great consonance of V:
It was a virus or a fevered wrath.
Good weaving in of dialog. Great consonance and alliteration of S and subtle alliteration o A and B and C:
She?d left him stranded with a dog, two cats,
A cottage of disheveled bric-a-brac,
Assorted sweaters, shoes, and stacks of hats,
And four cold words: I?m never coming back!
Superb volta and internal dialog and rhyming--!!
He thought, You?re never leaving, though, you bitch.
Your lover came for you, and wasn?t he
Surprised to find you two would share a ditch
And not a cozy condo by the sea?
Brilliant closing couplet--both lines, superb:
He looked behind, where rain?and madness?blurred
Where hearts were cracked, and sacked, and then interred.
Great rhyme pair too...blurred and interred. Nice alliteration on B and H, and consonance of L, H, D and CK. Fine internal rhyme.
Comment Written 19-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2014
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As always, Rama, you pick up on the nuances that many don't, and I appreciate that so much, just as I appreciate your time, your sixer, and your sweet dissection. Thank you.
Bric-a-brac is actually correct, but I only knew that because I had to look it up myself. Rest assured, it's not a term I use in my everyday speech.
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Thanks for your always lovely replies, dear D. I only mentioned B-a-B because my spell check suggested it...but I find it is inaccurate more often than not...so i may stop paying it any mind!
Big hugs, rd
Comment from Acquired Taste
It really was in your best interest to mention in your author notes that this was - nothing personal - just observational of sorts.
I do like this offering - a bunch! Favorite line: He looked behind, where rain?and madness?blurred
Scary, but I can really relate. Considering my latest stories - I may need to use your poem as the beginning of another...of course, with your permission.
Love it. AT=/
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2014
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It really was in your best interest to mention in your author notes that this was - nothing personal - just observational of sorts.
I do like this offering - a bunch! Favorite line: He looked behind, where rain?and madness?blurred
Scary, but I can really relate. Considering my latest stories - I may need to use your poem as the beginning of another...of course, with your permission.
Love it. AT=/
Comment Written 19-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2014
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Thank you, AT! Yes, and that note was almost an afterthought. Glad I mentioned it, lest I worry some people, AND get people interested in cold cases in my area. ;-)
Absolutely use the poem if you like. I enjoy your stories, and I think I may be one post behind. Trying to catch up before I have to head out. I appreciate the great review!
Comment from gramalot8
Marillion, this was great. Am so glad it was not personal. LOL... What a picture you paint in our minds of this love triangle. Especially love that they ended up in a ditch and not a condo. Great job and thanks for sharing this with us.
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2014
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Marillion, this was great. Am so glad it was not personal. LOL... What a picture you paint in our minds of this love triangle. Especially love that they ended up in a ditch and not a condo. Great job and thanks for sharing this with us.
Comment Written 19-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2014
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Thanks so much, gramalot. I appreciate the great review...and I'm VERY glad it's not personal, from ANY of the perspectives. David
Comment from Dean Kuch
Nothing personal taken, Marillion.
Too bad for the poor lass and her doomed lover. It's wise, if you are going to attempt to steal another man's woman, to see just how crazy the "other guy" is before you attempt it. Of course, I speak from the point of view of the guy who killed his gal and lover, and not from the cheaters perspective.
Gripping, and well penned...
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2014
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Nothing personal taken, Marillion.
Too bad for the poor lass and her doomed lover. It's wise, if you are going to attempt to steal another man's woman, to see just how crazy the "other guy" is before you attempt it. Of course, I speak from the point of view of the guy who killed his gal and lover, and not from the cheaters perspective.
Gripping, and well penned...
Comment Written 19-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2014
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Thank you, Dean! Yes, I guess from THAT perspective we WOULD note that it's best to vet the situation, but I guess the "other man" isn't thinking with the right head. :-)
I appreciate the review! David
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My pleasure, David, as always...
Comment from Helvi2
Hi My Friend,
David, you'd make a Great story teller! Your poem is definitely vivid and goes right for the jugular. You're right about these kind of stories being SO prevelent in the news.Tis a sad thing to know that! This poem has GREAT depth and was So overwhelming it hurt to read it. I can't say I liked the contents, but you did a fantastic job of writing it and emoting the thoughts within.
Very Nicely Done! :o) Helvi
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2014
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Hi My Friend,
David, you'd make a Great story teller! Your poem is definitely vivid and goes right for the jugular. You're right about these kind of stories being SO prevelent in the news.Tis a sad thing to know that! This poem has GREAT depth and was So overwhelming it hurt to read it. I can't say I liked the contents, but you did a fantastic job of writing it and emoting the thoughts within.
Very Nicely Done! :o) Helvi
Comment Written 19-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2014
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Thank you SO much, Helvi, for your kind sixer, and great review! Honestly, the contents make me uncomfortable, too, but I'd rather write about it than experience it, that's for sure.
Comment from nancy_e_davis
I know! You'd think divorce was out of the question! Oh, but I forgot! Marriage is the forgotten word in this day and age. Yes, this is a very well written sonnet David but I would expect it to be. Well done , Love the title. Nancy
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2014
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I know! You'd think divorce was out of the question! Oh, but I forgot! Marriage is the forgotten word in this day and age. Yes, this is a very well written sonnet David but I would expect it to be. Well done , Love the title. Nancy
Comment Written 19-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2014
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Thanks so much, Nancy! I appreciate it!
Comment from trimple
A refreshing change to read a piece of work depicting the viewpoint of a deranged mind. Well crafted and deliciously worded.
Loved the line..
"A cottage of disheveled bric-a-brac"
I look forward to reading more
kind regards
tracey trimple :)
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2014
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A refreshing change to read a piece of work depicting the viewpoint of a deranged mind. Well crafted and deliciously worded.
Loved the line..
"A cottage of disheveled bric-a-brac"
I look forward to reading more
kind regards
tracey trimple :)
Comment Written 19-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2014
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Tracey, many thanks for your six-star review, and for the kind words. I appreciate it very much! David
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Your most welcome
Comment from barkingdog
Bravo, Marillon. You paint marvelous setting(boots of muddied leather; disheveled bric-a-brac) and actions(trudged, head hung; cracked, sacked, ...interred) with your words.
I'm impressed with a sonnet that takes on a modern tone for the age-old love triangle ending in murder.(Fine use of enjambment: 'not knowing whether it was a virus or a fevered wrath.')
Your POV's disturbed state of mind shows in his ironic statement--'...wasn't he surprised to find you two would share a ditch and not a cozy condo(fine alliteration, fluid movement) by the sea.
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2014
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Bravo, Marillon. You paint marvelous setting(boots of muddied leather; disheveled bric-a-brac) and actions(trudged, head hung; cracked, sacked, ...interred) with your words.
I'm impressed with a sonnet that takes on a modern tone for the age-old love triangle ending in murder.(Fine use of enjambment: 'not knowing whether it was a virus or a fevered wrath.')
Your POV's disturbed state of mind shows in his ironic statement--'...wasn't he surprised to find you two would share a ditch and not a cozy condo(fine alliteration, fluid movement) by the sea.
Comment Written 19-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2014
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Thank you SO much for that sixer, barking dog, and for the excellent and detailed review. I really appreciate it! David