Cold Dead Hands
One girl's personal struggle to survive nuclear winter.64 total reviews
Comment from leftdesk
What a piece. The horror of it and the desperation were palpable and felt very real. Generally, I'm not a zombie fan and I sure don't understand the mechanism that might create zombies in this situation (it didn't happen in Japan after the bombs fell), but I can go with it. It's very I Am Legend.
A few blips of grammar and wording. Nothing serious, though.
You have some well-placed and well-worded metaphors, but the real gift is the way you wound up the tension, increment by increment until it's so tight.
I found the ending, however, a little clich©d, like I've heard this kind of ending "They are coming," many times before. It's still scary, but you might want to try a slightly different, fresher tact. Just a thought.
reply by the author on 26-Jun-2013
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What a piece. The horror of it and the desperation were palpable and felt very real. Generally, I'm not a zombie fan and I sure don't understand the mechanism that might create zombies in this situation (it didn't happen in Japan after the bombs fell), but I can go with it. It's very I Am Legend.
A few blips of grammar and wording. Nothing serious, though.
You have some well-placed and well-worded metaphors, but the real gift is the way you wound up the tension, increment by increment until it's so tight.
I found the ending, however, a little clich©d, like I've heard this kind of ending "They are coming," many times before. It's still scary, but you might want to try a slightly different, fresher tact. Just a thought.
Comment Written 26-Jun-2013
reply by the author on 26-Jun-2013
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Thank you, lefty,, your review is very much appreciated, and your concerns, duly noted.
When doing my research for this piece (and I ALWAYS do my research, you have to, right?) many neurophysiology experts and scientific data suggest that the more powerful, weapons of today would turn any human being lucky enough to survive the initial blast into mind-less, brain fired raving lunatics. Some could last for weeks, perhaps even months, while others closer would be subjected to such toxic levels of radiation, it would occur within minutes until, of course, eventually death.
The atomic bombs dropped on Hiroshima and Nagasaki were comparable to explosions of about 15 to 20 kilotons of TNT. It is estimated that these two bombs killed roughly 200,000 people in the near term, with more dying in the following years from cancer. In comparison, todayâ??s thermonuclear weapons are much more powerful. An average U.S. weapon would explode with a yield of 300 kilotons of TNT.
The impact of a powerful weapon like this is a little hard to fathom. But hereâ??s what would happen if one of these thermonuclear weapons were actually detonated. First, there would be a large initial blast, creating a destructive shock wave that would collapse most buildings out to three miles, killing most of the people in the area. The blast would be followed by a tremendous amount of heat, which could cause as much, if not more, devastation than the initial blast. In most cities, a big concern would be fires caused by the heat spontaneously igniting fabric and other items within four to five miles of the blast. These fires could coalesce into a firestorm fed by intense winds.
And then thereâ??s the radioactive falloutâ??large amounts of highly radioactive dust and debris, which could be carried long distances by the wind and could eventually contaminate many thousands of square miles. This fallout would kill thousands of people, cause acute radiation sickness in thousands more, and increase cancer rates for decades across the contaminated area.
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Wow, I'm clearly not up on my radiation effects. I wonder though, if using the term "zombie" still might not be a bit of a mistake as it carries with it a "known" quantity of what that means. I mean, the whole I Am Legend kind of thing, which was brought on as a disease rather than bomb related still gives us an image, that is pretty much the same as 28 Days Later. If a zombie is a zombie, what you have should be something else. Am I wrong on that?
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Not at all. That's why I never, not once, mention the term 'zombie' throughout my entire story. I call them, 'Screamers'...
Comment from kiwisteveh
Maybe not the scariest thing I've ever read, but it's getting up there!
You obviously put a lot of time and effort into this, not least with the sound effects. The journal format is also a great way to go, allowing you to show the deterioration in your narrator while also creating something of a bond between reader and character.
Good luck.
Steve
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2013
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Maybe not the scariest thing I've ever read, but it's getting up there!
You obviously put a lot of time and effort into this, not least with the sound effects. The journal format is also a great way to go, allowing you to show the deterioration in your narrator while also creating something of a bond between reader and character.
Good luck.
Steve
Comment Written 26-Jun-2013
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2013
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Ha, probably not THE scariest, but it did get under your skin a bit, no? I'm glad you got the journal format, and how it was designed to illustrate my poor girls rapidly deteriorating state of mind. Good pick-up on that.
Thanks for the generous rating, as well as for those 'good luck' wishes, kiwi. Since this is a contest voted upon by "THE COMMITTEE", I have no doubts I'll need all the luck that I can get!
Comment from gaangel62
OMG....I was on pins and needles through the whole read, never knowing until the end what was going to happen to her Father. Very well written. Wonderful, wonderful story..
Angie
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2013
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OMG....I was on pins and needles through the whole read, never knowing until the end what was going to happen to her Father. Very well written. Wonderful, wonderful story..
Angie
Comment Written 26-Jun-2013
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2013
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Thanks for such a generous rating, and the enthusiasm you display for my work. If people such as yourself keep getting excited and entertained by it, then rest assured, I'll keep on doin' it!
Comment from Titan Black
Very seldomly do I like reading long chapters from
the writers on this site. But this story had my attention
from beginning to end. This reminded me of the movie
called "Out Break". You did an amazing job writing this.
And oh, how close to reality this really is! I just can't say enough about your writing skillz. Bravo!
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2013
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Very seldomly do I like reading long chapters from
the writers on this site. But this story had my attention
from beginning to end. This reminded me of the movie
called "Out Break". You did an amazing job writing this.
And oh, how close to reality this really is! I just can't say enough about your writing skillz. Bravo!
Comment Written 26-Jun-2013
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2013
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Nor I, pertaining to those skills of your own, my friend. I really do thank you for such a fantastic review...
Comment from Leineco
A well ordered believable tale. You wisely did not try to go into the minutiae of exactly what went wrong (that wasn't the point of the story). You did an excellent job depicting her decline. And the ending was realistic. Well done :-)
Just a couple housekeeping details to consider
Sept 6th - Para6 I think It's works better than It is (...night now)
Para 14 - I think ...takes it to heart... works better than take it to heart
Sept 2nd - I think His spit his....is supposed to be He spit his....
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2013
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A well ordered believable tale. You wisely did not try to go into the minutiae of exactly what went wrong (that wasn't the point of the story). You did an excellent job depicting her decline. And the ending was realistic. Well done :-)
Just a couple housekeeping details to consider
Sept 6th - Para6 I think It's works better than It is (...night now)
Para 14 - I think ...takes it to heart... works better than take it to heart
Sept 2nd - I think His spit his....is supposed to be He spit his....
Comment Written 26-Jun-2013
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2013
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Thanks for such an in depth review, Leineco, I appreciate it. I'll take a look-see on those suggestions you've made, thanks for that!
Comment from trevorletang
Dean you are the new Stephen King! What an icy thrilling eerie piece of work. You have mastered this genre and it obviously is a true talent. Well ddone
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2013
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Dean you are the new Stephen King! What an icy thrilling eerie piece of work. You have mastered this genre and it obviously is a true talent. Well ddone
Comment Written 26-Jun-2013
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2013
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Whoa! The new Stephen King? I am flattered. But, I sure hope ole Stevie don't hear you say that, lol...
Thanks for such an enthusiastic review and for that wonderful compliment, trevorletang. It's for people just like yourself that I keep on doin' what I do...
Comment from GregoryCody
Ha, Well done man. well done. Again, Where do you come up with this? genius at it. I Love how you list the dates. Reminds me of The Shining. Your descriptions are fantastic and your internal dialogue is superb. It also flows brilliantly as a story. I hope you win! This IS your genre.
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2013
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Ha, Well done man. well done. Again, Where do you come up with this? genius at it. I Love how you list the dates. Reminds me of The Shining. Your descriptions are fantastic and your internal dialogue is superb. It also flows brilliantly as a story. I hope you win! This IS your genre.
Comment Written 26-Jun-2013
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2013
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Thanks very much, Gregory. As you know, your opinion always means a lot to me, my friend! As for winning the contest? Don't hold your breath. Unless, of course, you've got lungs like a shark. Then by all means, hold away!
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Hahaha. Well I'm rooting for you. You got my vote!
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And honestly, just for the record, even if I didn't know you personally I would still be blown away by your writing and give you the same reviews. I'm pretty honest about that. So in other words; Great Job! ;)
Comment from TOMORAL
Wow..this was spellbinding with all the spooky music and spooky writing. I couldn't put it down until I found out what happened the next day. Great ending. Great book. Thanks, my hands are shaking now so I can hardly type!
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2013
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Wow..this was spellbinding with all the spooky music and spooky writing. I couldn't put it down until I found out what happened the next day. Great ending. Great book. Thanks, my hands are shaking now so I can hardly type!
Comment Written 26-Jun-2013
reply by the author on 27-Jun-2013
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Shaking hands, that's good, TOMORAL. Means that I'm doin' my job, and my job is to scare the livin' daylights outta you, lol.
Thanks so much again, my friend...
Comment from Max Edon
I am really sick of all the vampire and zombie stories but I just loved reading this. It was really scary and very original. The sound effects were creepy.
reply by the author on 26-Jun-2013
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I am really sick of all the vampire and zombie stories but I just loved reading this. It was really scary and very original. The sound effects were creepy.
Comment Written 26-Jun-2013
reply by the author on 26-Jun-2013
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Thanx very much, Max, I am happy you gave it a go! I intentionally avoided the term 'zombie' because, you're 100% right, it's far too over done. However, based on my research for this story, it was frequently said by nuclear physicists and many scientific studies that the initial onslaught of radiation poisoning would turn any survivors caught outdoors into brain-fried, raging lunatics until, eventually, death overtook them. That's where the 'screamers' come in...
Thanks again for the indepth review and the most generous rating!
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You are welcome
Comment from Antonin70
There is no way this does not rate six, nor any way that it should not win the contest.There is little doubt in my mind that I have just read the best piece of American prose put up on FanStory since I have been a member. I would love to know the age of the writer as I feel certain that only somebody aged between seventeen and 21 would be so appallingly scared of a putative nuclear white out as this girl is.But the detail and reality of her narration is stunning. Even down to making it impossible to get the date written down correctly when typing towards the end, everything is believable. Her total sanity through all this revulsion makes her either a heroine or someone who just does not know how to give in. What she conceals best, however, is why she is not mutilated like everyone else. I hope the clue is in the second paragraph where she says she wants to study neuroscience. This is the one discipline I can think of that might keep her sane. But it would still take a very strong mind and will for her to last even to the point where the story ends.A brilliant piece of writing. I just hope she can sleep at night. Anton
reply by the author on 26-Jun-2013
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There is no way this does not rate six, nor any way that it should not win the contest.There is little doubt in my mind that I have just read the best piece of American prose put up on FanStory since I have been a member. I would love to know the age of the writer as I feel certain that only somebody aged between seventeen and 21 would be so appallingly scared of a putative nuclear white out as this girl is.But the detail and reality of her narration is stunning. Even down to making it impossible to get the date written down correctly when typing towards the end, everything is believable. Her total sanity through all this revulsion makes her either a heroine or someone who just does not know how to give in. What she conceals best, however, is why she is not mutilated like everyone else. I hope the clue is in the second paragraph where she says she wants to study neuroscience. This is the one discipline I can think of that might keep her sane. But it would still take a very strong mind and will for her to last even to the point where the story ends.A brilliant piece of writing. I just hope she can sleep at night. Anton
Comment Written 26-Jun-2013
reply by the author on 26-Jun-2013
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Thank you so much, kind sir, for your in depth, outstanding review! I was blown away by the overall enthusiasm, and it is for people like yourself who 'get it' that I will always endeavor to do what I do, to the best of my limited abilities.
Thanks so much, again!
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Your welcome Dean. Although I now know you are not a female teenager I still wonder how you sleep with an imagination like that. But, seriously, it really was the best American prose story I have read on this site, and far outstrips most of the pullitzer prize winners of my lifetime- and I've read them all. Compare this to 1,000 acres, for example, and you are in a league of your own. Keep them coming, I'm all eyes. Thanks . Anton