The Black Orchid
When you're out of balance...32 total reviews
Comment from CrystieCookie999
This is definitely a good entry for that contest prompt.
Little fix:
"All the more reason to use him," said Chen, "He'll listen to you, he needs the money, and won't be so easy to identify"
I would check your punctuation there, maybe like this:
"All the more reason to use him," said Chen. "He'll listen to you, he needs the money, and he won't be so easy to identify."
The ending was a little bit vague to me.
I drink from borrowed liquor amid the screams of that pipsqueak ice-sliding kid who didn't know better than to listen to his big brother.
I get it that the narrator is now more of alcoholic than ever before. I think you might clarify the idea of screams with maybe saying: the echoes of screams. Also I would add a comma after pipsqueak.
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2023
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This is definitely a good entry for that contest prompt.
Little fix:
"All the more reason to use him," said Chen, "He'll listen to you, he needs the money, and won't be so easy to identify"
I would check your punctuation there, maybe like this:
"All the more reason to use him," said Chen. "He'll listen to you, he needs the money, and he won't be so easy to identify."
The ending was a little bit vague to me.
I drink from borrowed liquor amid the screams of that pipsqueak ice-sliding kid who didn't know better than to listen to his big brother.
I get it that the narrator is now more of alcoholic than ever before. I think you might clarify the idea of screams with maybe saying: the echoes of screams. Also I would add a comma after pipsqueak.
Comment Written 21-Oct-2023
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2023
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Thank you! I will try to implement your suggestions.
Comment from Alexandra Trovato
This is excellent and creative story for the challenge. As upsetting as it was, I did notice your extremely good writing, descriptions, dialogues. Your use expressive words and imagery that will draw in a readers.
Best wishes,
Alexandra
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reply by the author on 21-Oct-2023
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This is excellent and creative story for the challenge. As upsetting as it was, I did notice your extremely good writing, descriptions, dialogues. Your use expressive words and imagery that will draw in a readers.
Best wishes,
Alexandra
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 21-Oct-2023
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2023
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thanks so much! I missed writing and will hopefully continue to write following my "operation" tomorrow.