Lips
Invitation to a Retirement Party42 total reviews
Comment from Katherine M. (k-11)
This is certainly an unusual one for halloween, with the intimation that a serial killer and defigurer is going to be caught on camera in front of a live audience, perhaps destroying his last victim - gruesome. I am glad some kind of sanity won out.
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2021
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This is certainly an unusual one for halloween, with the intimation that a serial killer and defigurer is going to be caught on camera in front of a live audience, perhaps destroying his last victim - gruesome. I am glad some kind of sanity won out.
Comment Written 24-Oct-2021
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2021
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Ah, thank you, Katherine. It was definitely a test of egos.
Comment from amahra
I only read this because of you, Jay; I generally avoid serial killers stories, movies, TV. I guess it's because, unlike witches, vampires, and werewolves, serial killers are the only real monsters who plague us. But this is a very well-written story--I still have goosebumps visualizing those lips in a jar. Good luck in the contest, Jay; I believe you have a winner, here.
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2021
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I only read this because of you, Jay; I generally avoid serial killers stories, movies, TV. I guess it's because, unlike witches, vampires, and werewolves, serial killers are the only real monsters who plague us. But this is a very well-written story--I still have goosebumps visualizing those lips in a jar. Good luck in the contest, Jay; I believe you have a winner, here.
Comment Written 24-Oct-2021
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2021
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Thanks Amahra. This story was originally about 8 K long, but I was able to cut away over half of it. I'm proud that you chose to read this, though it's against everything you stand for, only because I wrote it. That means a lot to me.
Comment from Ulla
Hi Jay, I loved this unusual story for the contest. You drew me in from the beginning. It's wonderfully rendered, and shows how she plays up to his vanity. It's a close call though.
I only found a minor thing:
she could summons = she could summon.
Good luck with this beauty. Ulla:)))
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2021
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Hi Jay, I loved this unusual story for the contest. You drew me in from the beginning. It's wonderfully rendered, and shows how she plays up to his vanity. It's a close call though.
I only found a minor thing:
she could summons = she could summon.
Good luck with this beauty. Ulla:)))
Comment Written 24-Oct-2021
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2021
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Thanks for reading and for the six stars, Ulla. A huge thanks for the catch. A rookie mistake. I'll have to look for it and make the correction.
Comment from lancellot
Hmm, this is well written. A bit strange, but I guess the vid-caster's or podcaster's obsession with her show vs the serial killer's obsession is the point of the story. It explains why the drawn out tease of the killer (savoring the moment) and Gretchen's incredible stupid actions.
But, this doesn't seem to be a Halloween story. Yes, that word was inserted twice, but it had nothing to do with the story. The ending is odd. I guess you couldn't have the woman killed or harmed. Some wouldn't like that, or real violence as one would expect.
A man who killed over a hundred women. He went down way too easy, and there are many questions as to why he even did the interview, and one little woman found him.
An interesting post.
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2021
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Hmm, this is well written. A bit strange, but I guess the vid-caster's or podcaster's obsession with her show vs the serial killer's obsession is the point of the story. It explains why the drawn out tease of the killer (savoring the moment) and Gretchen's incredible stupid actions.
But, this doesn't seem to be a Halloween story. Yes, that word was inserted twice, but it had nothing to do with the story. The ending is odd. I guess you couldn't have the woman killed or harmed. Some wouldn't like that, or real violence as one would expect.
A man who killed over a hundred women. He went down way too easy, and there are many questions as to why he even did the interview, and one little woman found him.
An interesting post.
Comment Written 24-Oct-2021
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2021
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All of your points are well made, and taken. In my original version, which was over 8 K words, his reason for being on the show as a way of cementing him as America's most prolific serial killer, was more clearly shown. Also Gretchen's ego-driven obsession to own the best vodcast in the world. In a way, I understand your criticism that he went down to easy. He was not a strong person, however, and once he was "down" I decided to use the comic element of having her continue to kick him while she waited for the police to arrive. His prolonged groan that turned into a chuckle was also a device to show that his will had been broken.
It was my understanding the story didn't have to be about Halloween, but be more fright-filled and a thriller suitable for Halloween. Oh well ... we'll see.
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8k word story. I know what you mean. It is hard to cut them down; too much content and context is lost.
I have some like that. Maybe, it is better to break them into parts. I'll try that next year.
Enjoy the Sunday.
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8K is what happens when you don't have the end in sight from the beginning. I've always been a seat-of-my-pants writer and that leads to a lot of wasted verbiage by the time you see you've lose your vision.
Comment from Susan Newell
Jay,
FS glitches have stalled me from reviewing this. In brief . . . Superb! I enjoyed both the writing and the stories. Your turns of phrase are refreshing and thought-provoking. Good luck in the contest.
Sue
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2021
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Jay,
FS glitches have stalled me from reviewing this. In brief . . . Superb! I enjoyed both the writing and the stories. Your turns of phrase are refreshing and thought-provoking. Good luck in the contest.
Sue
Comment Written 24-Oct-2021
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2021
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Thank you, so much, Sue. I'm thrilled that you found it enjoyable. Your 6 star rating makes me giddy! You rock!
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You are very welcome. I'm sorry only that FS gremlins wouldn't let me do it justice.
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I'm just so pleased that you found this a worthwhile read!
Comment from Begin Again
Awesome, my friend. You put the reader on the edge of their seat as Gretchen appears to be prepared in many ways for the evil Jeffrey and what he might attempt. Her fear shows only in her pale face, but I believe regardless of her "fighting spirit" she had to feel in her gut that she was playing a dangerous game... especially with his "trophies" sitting in the jar only feet away.
Well done and a definite winner!
Always, Carol
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2021
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Awesome, my friend. You put the reader on the edge of their seat as Gretchen appears to be prepared in many ways for the evil Jeffrey and what he might attempt. Her fear shows only in her pale face, but I believe regardless of her "fighting spirit" she had to feel in her gut that she was playing a dangerous game... especially with his "trophies" sitting in the jar only feet away.
Well done and a definite winner!
Always, Carol
Comment Written 24-Oct-2021
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2021
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Hey, Carol. You are so kind! I'm so happy you found this thrilling and that you followed Gretchen's growing fear throughout its manifestations. Your six! Thank you, Dear Carol, for that!
Comment from royowen
She had expected more than she actually saw or faced in this encounter with Jeffrey, but he was a disappointment, and his victims had almost halved in quantity. But she got him and didn't derive that gain from the encounter, and it seemed a lot easier than she anticipated. Well done Jay. Your style has changed over time. Well done, blessings Roy
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2021
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She had expected more than she actually saw or faced in this encounter with Jeffrey, but he was a disappointment, and his victims had almost halved in quantity. But she got him and didn't derive that gain from the encounter, and it seemed a lot easier than she anticipated. Well done Jay. Your style has changed over time. Well done, blessings Roy
Comment Written 24-Oct-2021
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2021
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I appreciate your kindness, Roy, as usual. I'm happy you've noticed my style changing ... I think. I hope it's not an example to you of devolution.
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Well done
Comment from Senyai
Jay,
Wow.! Jeffrey f--king Lipman met his match in Gretchen. She is one tough cookie, my lord! My only question, was this collision an accident or on purpose from her? I felt like it was described as an accident but wasn't totally positive, Jay.
" "Jeff-ur"--but the last syllable was cut off. Some part of her mind was aware of the blurred approach of his other finger-splayed hand, but her head passed it going in the opposite direction, her forehead cracking into the bridge of his nose. Blood spewed from beneath the flattened cartilage. He flopped to his back, his hands cupping his nose and mouth, blood oozing between his fingers. Rocking from side to side, entangled in his robe, he intoned into his palms, "Oh my God! Oh my God! What have you done to me?"
Her initial response after their two heads clashed was acute pain too. He seemed to be toying with the urge to strangle her...checking to look out the closed motel room curtains for police staked out possibly etc... in his bath robe and coming towards her and stroking her neck... so she surely got that impression of impending assault. However Gretchen is a thoroughly modern career girl who worships at the altar of the media and HER vodcast...everything is about her ratings and viewership... she wants him to finish the interview at all costs. Even endangering herself perhaps...she didn't inform the police to be aware of this interview in case they would stop it all together. But if they had not had their crashing head butts, little sweet lipped Gretchen could have killed and her lips kept as trophies by Jeffrey (Dahmer) Lipman. I suspect that covered jar with the yellow towel behind his chair was his trophy jar of lips?!? Argggg!
I had to read this twice with all the nuances and play on names. I was not prepared for the crash ending but so glad for Gretchen's sake, or I feel she would have become this suave aging psychopath's souvenir.
The only time I felt Gretchen had a healthy fear of this creepy murderer was when her face became pasty white, otherwise she was dangerously close to being another statistic! I don't feel Gretchen was fully aware of how close she came to being killed that night. Glad fate worked in her favor and the police and paramedics with siren blaring were only seconds away.
Great Halloween story, Jay. Hope you win... it is beyond ghastly without being overly morbid. If that's possible, LOL.
Always,
Senyai
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2021
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Jay,
Wow.! Jeffrey f--king Lipman met his match in Gretchen. She is one tough cookie, my lord! My only question, was this collision an accident or on purpose from her? I felt like it was described as an accident but wasn't totally positive, Jay.
" "Jeff-ur"--but the last syllable was cut off. Some part of her mind was aware of the blurred approach of his other finger-splayed hand, but her head passed it going in the opposite direction, her forehead cracking into the bridge of his nose. Blood spewed from beneath the flattened cartilage. He flopped to his back, his hands cupping his nose and mouth, blood oozing between his fingers. Rocking from side to side, entangled in his robe, he intoned into his palms, "Oh my God! Oh my God! What have you done to me?"
Her initial response after their two heads clashed was acute pain too. He seemed to be toying with the urge to strangle her...checking to look out the closed motel room curtains for police staked out possibly etc... in his bath robe and coming towards her and stroking her neck... so she surely got that impression of impending assault. However Gretchen is a thoroughly modern career girl who worships at the altar of the media and HER vodcast...everything is about her ratings and viewership... she wants him to finish the interview at all costs. Even endangering herself perhaps...she didn't inform the police to be aware of this interview in case they would stop it all together. But if they had not had their crashing head butts, little sweet lipped Gretchen could have killed and her lips kept as trophies by Jeffrey (Dahmer) Lipman. I suspect that covered jar with the yellow towel behind his chair was his trophy jar of lips?!? Argggg!
I had to read this twice with all the nuances and play on names. I was not prepared for the crash ending but so glad for Gretchen's sake, or I feel she would have become this suave aging psychopath's souvenir.
The only time I felt Gretchen had a healthy fear of this creepy murderer was when her face became pasty white, otherwise she was dangerously close to being another statistic! I don't feel Gretchen was fully aware of how close she came to being killed that night. Glad fate worked in her favor and the police and paramedics with siren blaring were only seconds away.
Great Halloween story, Jay. Hope you win... it is beyond ghastly without being overly morbid. If that's possible, LOL.
Always,
Senyai
Comment Written 24-Oct-2021
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2021
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Wow! Senyai, you have an uncanny ability to summarize the plot while highlighting the key events that lead to its climax. BTW, her headbutt was most assuredly NOT accidental. I need to go back and strengthen that part. It's critical. I was criticized by one reviewer that for a man who'd killed 102 women in a most ghastly way, that he "went down" too easily. I had to agree with him, but only in part. I did sense that, but that was why I added the comedy element of having her kick him intermittently and his prolonged groan turn to a gurgly chuckle. I feel he was amply humiliated and his will had broken.
This afternoon I'll go back and have another look at the headbutt scene. Thanks again for your astuteness. If I hadn't already given you a reviewer nod this month, I'd be giving you one today. You are such an asset!
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Jay,
Gretchen is an ice queen who can humiliate a serial killer alone in a room with three cameras trained on both of them. Tough as nails! I can see after rereading that it plainly showed her head butt to Jeffrey was definitely on purpose. What she may not have realized though was he could have ultimately overpowered her and turned off the cameras, killed her, got his souvenir and left. Knowing the police were not called.
But she had him pegged from the get go I think and when he touched her that second time was her cue to crack his nose with her forehead or lose her life and lips!
Great story!
Comment from Wendy G
Very gruesome. He had such a cold intelligence that I was afraid she would not come out of it well. A very interesting plot development from beginning t end. I am sure that in her ten months of preparation for her interview, she learnt plenty of self-defence strategies and martial arts!
Well written! Best wishes for your entry in the contest.
Wendy
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2021
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Very gruesome. He had such a cold intelligence that I was afraid she would not come out of it well. A very interesting plot development from beginning t end. I am sure that in her ten months of preparation for her interview, she learnt plenty of self-defence strategies and martial arts!
Well written! Best wishes for your entry in the contest.
Wendy
Comment Written 24-Oct-2021
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2021
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Bless you, Wendy. I'm so very pleased that you found this a worthwhile read. Tell me, Wendy, was there any doubt in your mind that Gretchen's head butt was on purpose as opposed to accidental?
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Definitely on purpose - you would never cause a violent nose bleed and such pain if it was not done on purpose and with great force - and she made a bit woozy with the blow.
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Thank you for that explanation. I thought I had been clear enough, but one person wasn't entirely sure I had intended it to be on purpose.
Comment from SimianSavant
You put a lot of solid effort and thought into this, including technical details on the production aspects, and it shows. I think the beginning and midsection are the best. The end in muted violence seems just a little odd. A guy who kills 102 women gets so easily subdued by one woman's single headbutt while she is operating cameras? I don't find that as believable although your description of it was aptly illustrated. Anyway well done and thank you for the read!
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2021
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You put a lot of solid effort and thought into this, including technical details on the production aspects, and it shows. I think the beginning and midsection are the best. The end in muted violence seems just a little odd. A guy who kills 102 women gets so easily subdued by one woman's single headbutt while she is operating cameras? I don't find that as believable although your description of it was aptly illustrated. Anyway well done and thank you for the read!
Comment Written 24-Oct-2021
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2021
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Thanks for reading this piece. I'm glad you enjoyed all but the ending. A forehead is incredibly hard and a nose can shatter into a hundred bone-shards. Add the element of surprise and her subsequent wooziness (which was probably concussive), I was hoping it wouldn't seem too far-fetched to most readers. But I DO honor your opinion. Again, thanks!
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You are right about that. It could just be that I grew up with brothers and never experienced being head butted by a woman. Although it does apparently happen outside soccer: https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-8850049/Woman-launches-vicious-headbutt-attack-fellow-shopper-refusing-wear-mask-shop.html