Fresh Breath
Fresh, deep, breath.77 total reviews
Comment from kittykatnoel
Funny, but then not so funny. I could totally visualize and imagine the experience of breathing in a fly instead of the pie. Good job and good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2016
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Funny, but then not so funny. I could totally visualize and imagine the experience of breathing in a fly instead of the pie. Good job and good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 02-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2016
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Thank you so much for taking time to read my poem. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated. I tried to steal a laugh, and almost made myself sick. :-)
Comment from Father Flaps
Good evening, Mystery Author
A fresh pie is going to lure a lot of gorbies. Actually, the fly probably got there first, just circling, looking for a good place to land when you sucked him in with all that aroma. So you swallowed a fly, eh? I thought about that last line. "Bug guts pie" isn't really accurate. The apple pie remains unchanged. But I thought, you could relate it to the song that Peter, Paul & Mary made so famous... "I Knew an Old Lady". Here's the link:
https://youtu.be/i6ZrH3gYn4M
What do you think of this?
Fresh, deep breath
Choked, swallowed a fly
Don't know why
Good Luck in the contest! I think you nailed the "air" theme.
cheers
Kimbob
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2016
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Good evening, Mystery Author
A fresh pie is going to lure a lot of gorbies. Actually, the fly probably got there first, just circling, looking for a good place to land when you sucked him in with all that aroma. So you swallowed a fly, eh? I thought about that last line. "Bug guts pie" isn't really accurate. The apple pie remains unchanged. But I thought, you could relate it to the song that Peter, Paul & Mary made so famous... "I Knew an Old Lady". Here's the link:
https://youtu.be/i6ZrH3gYn4M
What do you think of this?
Fresh, deep breath
Choked, swallowed a fly
Don't know why
Good Luck in the contest! I think you nailed the "air" theme.
cheers
Kimbob
Comment Written 02-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2016
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Yes, the "Don't know why," would definitely work. Thanks for taking time to read my poem. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated. I tried to steal a laugh, and almost made myself sick. The apple pie has remained untouched, then the fly flew in the mouth, he got bug guts for pie, or rather than pie, "Bug Guts Pie." I appreciate you! :-)
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What a shame! I love warm apple pie with a scoop of vanilla ice cream. What could be better? Haiku and senryu have so many rules so I try to stay away from them. But I enjoy a good 5-7-5 or 3-5-3.
Comment from dannielleduran
Syllable structure is perfect. Interesting poem. That bug is definitely happy. As for the graphic layout of the poem, bring some color to the background and use the color font in the style layout to bring some color to the words. This helps in bringing the feeling of the poem to life. That aside. I did enjoy your Haiku.
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2016
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Syllable structure is perfect. Interesting poem. That bug is definitely happy. As for the graphic layout of the poem, bring some color to the background and use the color font in the style layout to bring some color to the words. This helps in bringing the feeling of the poem to life. That aside. I did enjoy your Haiku.
Comment Written 02-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2016
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Thank you so much for taking time to read my poem. Your kind words, suggestion, and generous review are greatly appreciated. Yes, I don't know anything about what should be done with the fonts, color, and backgrounds. I just type them up and put them on their way. I'll work on it. :-)
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Use the colors to project how you want your reader to feel as they read the poem. I hope that helps.
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Sounds great! Thanks for the advice! :-)
Comment from Mystic Angel 7777
Well, it certainly meets the construction and theme requirements. I give you points for a creative approach since not many would have taken this path. I wish you all the best in the voting and thank you very much for sharing it.
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2016
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Well, it certainly meets the construction and theme requirements. I give you points for a creative approach since not many would have taken this path. I wish you all the best in the voting and thank you very much for sharing it.
Comment Written 02-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2016
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Thank you so much for taking time to read my poem. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated. I tried to steal a laugh, and and almost made myself sick. :-)
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LOL! Goodness, don't be sick ... put some whipped cream on that pie and enjoy.
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LOL! Goodness, don't be sick ... put some whipped cream on that pie and enjoy.
Comment from liz burgoyne
You met the criteria and made you readers smile. Nicely done. Your picture and words are a good match. I've been watching the contest. Good Luck.
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2016
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You met the criteria and made you readers smile. Nicely done. Your picture and words are a good match. I've been watching the contest. Good Luck.
Comment Written 02-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2016
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Liz, my dear, thank you so much understanding, and for saying the one thing that makes me happiest of all. That I made someone smile! I wish that everyone could pick up or the correlation between the title, picture, and the poem, but you've sure put a smile on my face by catching them.Thank you so much for taking time to read my poem, along with your kind words, and generous review. :-)
Comment from c_lucas
Far better a fly than a roach. Even the thought was nauseating. This is very well written with a touch of dark humor. Good luck in your contest.
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2016
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Far better a fly than a roach. Even the thought was nauseating. This is very well written with a touch of dark humor. Good luck in your contest.
Comment Written 02-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2016
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Thank you so much, Charlie, for taking time to read my story. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated. I tried to steal a laugh, and almost made myself sick. :-)
Comment from rockinm76233
I believe you nailed all the criteria needed to enter this contest, tho I must admit the thoughts of a bug guts pie are not to appetizing. But, can through your well chosen words imagine that. Good luck.
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2016
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I believe you nailed all the criteria needed to enter this contest, tho I must admit the thoughts of a bug guts pie are not to appetizing. But, can through your well chosen words imagine that. Good luck.
Comment Written 02-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2016
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Thank you so much for taking time to read my poem. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated. I used the pie to symbolize the fly going down my throat as but pie, trying to steal a laugh, and almost made myself sick. :-)
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ha your welcome.
Comment from sage17611
This beautiful picture of this pie turned to disgust at the thought of inhaling and swallowing a nasty fly, heh, heh, heh. Your poem is a unique entry for this contest, good luck.
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2016
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This beautiful picture of this pie turned to disgust at the thought of inhaling and swallowing a nasty fly, heh, heh, heh. Your poem is a unique entry for this contest, good luck.
Comment Written 02-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2016
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Thank you so much, Sage17611, for taking time to read my poem. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated. I tried to steal a laugh and almost made myself sick. :-)
Comment from barbara.wilkey
Here I was already to get a big slice of apple pie and put a scoop of vanilla ice cream on it and then I read the poem and a stinking fly was in it. Not at all good to tease your reviewers like that. LOL I did enjoy reading the poem and I wish you luck with the contest.
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2016
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Here I was already to get a big slice of apple pie and put a scoop of vanilla ice cream on it and then I read the poem and a stinking fly was in it. Not at all good to tease your reviewers like that. LOL I did enjoy reading the poem and I wish you luck with the contest.
Comment Written 02-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2016
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Thank you so much, Barbara Wilkey, for taking time to read my poem. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated. I tried to steal a laugh and almost made myself sick. :-)
Comment from Slythytove2
A gourmet's delight with a dash of humor and a splash of gross. The count is right and the subject obliquely adhered to, should do well in your contest- good luck.
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2016
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A gourmet's delight with a dash of humor and a splash of gross. The count is right and the subject obliquely adhered to, should do well in your contest- good luck.
Comment Written 02-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2016
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Thank you so much for taking time to read my poem. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated. I tried to steal a laugh and almost made myself sick. :-)
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Good luck.