The Boy At The Sandcastle
First romance?26 total reviews
Comment from rama devi
Delightful share. Loved it! Fine entry...should do well! Finely descriptive and good narrative pacing too. Unique and lovely. Great resonant silent love shining between two souls.
Lovely to read this again with all those edits...and here is one more idea (optional) for your consideration:
* The main attraction was that the hotel backyard was the beach!
For a snappier pace;
The main attraction: the hotel backyard was the beach!
*After breakfast, I would run through the open wide doors to sink my feet
Optional suggestion: wide open instead of open wide
Love the voicing here:
Not a word was spoken between us but our hands were in perfect connection, our spirits in unison, our minds on the same intangible idea, and we communed with the feel of that pliable sand flowing through our fingers.
*The sound of the waves,(NO COMMA) blared like our own background music.
*The salty wind ticked our noses.
Did you want ticked or tickled? I think in first draft it was tickled, no?
Love this--so precious:
The last morning as we were kneeling adjusting the last details of another brand new castle, he stood up, his eyes moving back and forth from the waves to my eyes, and, just like that, as if reciting a brief summation, he told me that he loved me and that he would look for me when he grew up, and we would be married! I just stood there dumbfounded, without being able to say anything. My mind often goes blank when spoken to. In my mind, I shouted: "What's your name?" But not a sound came out.
*
We didn't exchanged names or addresses.(NO PERIOD)--as if destiny would bring us together again(ADD COMMA) and we would continue building sand castles.
*
Years later, growing up, and at times when I felt lost, insecure and unloved, I thought about his words( ADD COMMA) and I felt warm and lovely.
SWEET:
Writing about this, I feel a caress.
NICE PERSONIFICATION:
That beach, the playful sand, the salty scent, the mischievous wind, the majestic sight of the waves.
*maybe all I want is to go back to that fairytale place and to a time when I was grateful to be alive.
I'd meant to edit that to fairy-tale with a hyphen, but realize I forgot the hyphen! :) Either way is fine though.
Enjoyed reading this again.
What a beautiful experience. Good luck in the contest!
Hugs and Love, rd
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2016
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Delightful share. Loved it! Fine entry...should do well! Finely descriptive and good narrative pacing too. Unique and lovely. Great resonant silent love shining between two souls.
Lovely to read this again with all those edits...and here is one more idea (optional) for your consideration:
* The main attraction was that the hotel backyard was the beach!
For a snappier pace;
The main attraction: the hotel backyard was the beach!
*After breakfast, I would run through the open wide doors to sink my feet
Optional suggestion: wide open instead of open wide
Love the voicing here:
Not a word was spoken between us but our hands were in perfect connection, our spirits in unison, our minds on the same intangible idea, and we communed with the feel of that pliable sand flowing through our fingers.
*The sound of the waves,(NO COMMA) blared like our own background music.
*The salty wind ticked our noses.
Did you want ticked or tickled? I think in first draft it was tickled, no?
Love this--so precious:
The last morning as we were kneeling adjusting the last details of another brand new castle, he stood up, his eyes moving back and forth from the waves to my eyes, and, just like that, as if reciting a brief summation, he told me that he loved me and that he would look for me when he grew up, and we would be married! I just stood there dumbfounded, without being able to say anything. My mind often goes blank when spoken to. In my mind, I shouted: "What's your name?" But not a sound came out.
*
We didn't exchanged names or addresses.(NO PERIOD)--as if destiny would bring us together again(ADD COMMA) and we would continue building sand castles.
*
Years later, growing up, and at times when I felt lost, insecure and unloved, I thought about his words( ADD COMMA) and I felt warm and lovely.
SWEET:
Writing about this, I feel a caress.
NICE PERSONIFICATION:
That beach, the playful sand, the salty scent, the mischievous wind, the majestic sight of the waves.
*maybe all I want is to go back to that fairytale place and to a time when I was grateful to be alive.
I'd meant to edit that to fairy-tale with a hyphen, but realize I forgot the hyphen! :) Either way is fine though.
Enjoyed reading this again.
What a beautiful experience. Good luck in the contest!
Hugs and Love, rd
Comment Written 07-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2016
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Thank you! Wow! I always miss something. Glad to have you around! :-)
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AW, thanks, love.! :))
Comment from danpald
Sweet and innocent tale
The romance growing so well
How to learn the time of love
That comes with just a little shove
There is some need to correct
The spelling in some places:
"Lears later, growing up"
I believe is "Years"
Also:
"My family from tht time is gone"
I thing here is meant "this"
Other wise all is interesting and fun
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2016
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Sweet and innocent tale
The romance growing so well
How to learn the time of love
That comes with just a little shove
There is some need to correct
The spelling in some places:
"Lears later, growing up"
I believe is "Years"
Also:
"My family from tht time is gone"
I thing here is meant "this"
Other wise all is interesting and fun
Comment Written 07-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2016
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Thank you for reading my work and for alerting me to some of my misspells. For sure I appreciate it.
Comment from GeraldS
This is a charming little memory. I liked your stream of consciousness writing style in relating this story.Two typos I spotted were "Lears later" (should be "Years") and "my family from tht time" (should be "that").
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2016
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This is a charming little memory. I liked your stream of consciousness writing style in relating this story.Two typos I spotted were "Lears later" (should be "Years") and "my family from tht time" (should be "that").
Comment Written 07-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2016
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Thank you for your great comments to my work and for alerting me to some typos. I would like to read some of your work as well, Recognized Writer.
Comment from foxangie123
I enjoyed your story you entered to the contest per tas prompt. It reads smoothly and kisss the reader with soft smooches. Truly enjoyed this and hope you win
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2016
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I enjoyed your story you entered to the contest per tas prompt. It reads smoothly and kisss the reader with soft smooches. Truly enjoyed this and hope you win
Comment Written 07-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2016
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Thank you so much for your review and your support.
Comment from Joyce Long
I really enjoyed your story. Good luck in the Share Your Story contest. I think with everyone gone--I would go back to the beach and build a sand castle. Who knows there may be a man there who likes to build sand castles and he does remember. Thanks for sharing and good luck.
Joyce 03-07-16
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reply by the author on 07-Mar-2016
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I really enjoyed your story. Good luck in the Share Your Story contest. I think with everyone gone--I would go back to the beach and build a sand castle. Who knows there may be a man there who likes to build sand castles and he does remember. Thanks for sharing and good luck.
Joyce 03-07-16
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 07-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2016
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Thank you for reading my work.
Comment from Ricky1024
I'm just read a piece in order this about a little boy playing today and then I told their writers are reviewed to help bring me back to the point, 1601 first time I went on Long Beach Island in Ship Bottom and took the hot scene of my feet that run fast to get down to the water goes in at first time I get to salt water in my mouth and smell the song breathe for so addictive you wonder if he dried up the short notice see how much we can create with that probably buy more than more we get it from down south end
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2016
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I'm just read a piece in order this about a little boy playing today and then I told their writers are reviewed to help bring me back to the point, 1601 first time I went on Long Beach Island in Ship Bottom and took the hot scene of my feet that run fast to get down to the water goes in at first time I get to salt water in my mouth and smell the song breathe for so addictive you wonder if he dried up the short notice see how much we can create with that probably buy more than more we get it from down south end
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 07-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2016
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Thank you Ricky for your great comments and for reading my work.