Intrusion
A Nightmare Come True31 total reviews
Comment from kiwijenny
Yikes but what if it's one of the kids, what if it's grandma, what if it's the neighbor who's in the throes of labor ?
What if Mrs. Scissor hands you go to jail for involuntary manslaughter and if you hadn't this was the man of your dreams.......stabbed
Yikes
God bless
reply by the author on 10-Apr-2015
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Yikes but what if it's one of the kids, what if it's grandma, what if it's the neighbor who's in the throes of labor ?
What if Mrs. Scissor hands you go to jail for involuntary manslaughter and if you hadn't this was the man of your dreams.......stabbed
Yikes
God bless
Comment Written 09-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 10-Apr-2015
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You are right on all counts, but I only had 100 words to play with. Thanks a lot for your review.
Comment from Spitfire
Definitely an open ending. How many times have teens tried to sneak in late only to be shot as a burglar. Nice use of short sentences with his actions to build up suspense at the beginning.
reply by the author on 10-Apr-2015
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Definitely an open ending. How many times have teens tried to sneak in late only to be shot as a burglar. Nice use of short sentences with his actions to build up suspense at the beginning.
Comment Written 09-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 10-Apr-2015
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Thank you very much for an encouraging review.
Comment from Judy Couch
YOu built up suspense well and held my attention until the end. There is some horror in the idea of killing another human but I wonder if it would have been more scary if you had let the intruder get inside and left us wondering what would happen while she stood behind the door armed with the scissors.
reply by the author on 10-Apr-2015
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YOu built up suspense well and held my attention until the end. There is some horror in the idea of killing another human but I wonder if it would have been more scary if you had let the intruder get inside and left us wondering what would happen while she stood behind the door armed with the scissors.
Comment Written 09-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 10-Apr-2015
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I totally agree with you. But the piece had to have a conclusion and only 100 words. Thanks for your review.
Comment from Helena Frances
Yikes! I hope it wasn't the maid!
This flowed well and quickly, which is the point with a 100 word story.
Good job with the prompt.
reply by the author on 10-Apr-2015
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Yikes! I hope it wasn't the maid!
This flowed well and quickly, which is the point with a 100 word story.
Good job with the prompt.
Comment Written 09-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 10-Apr-2015
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Thanks ever so much.
Comment from kriver
Hi
I guess you took the cliff hanger
rule for the contest to heart
Because it definitely is exactly that.
I know how hard it is to write with that much restriction.
I entered a contest with a limit of 200 words and found that very difficult.
This is a good write maybe after the contest you could finish the story.
Then whether you win or loose doesn't matter it is just a story to complete for the fun of it.
That is what I chose to do but I haven't promoted it yet. Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 10-Apr-2015
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Hi
I guess you took the cliff hanger
rule for the contest to heart
Because it definitely is exactly that.
I know how hard it is to write with that much restriction.
I entered a contest with a limit of 200 words and found that very difficult.
This is a good write maybe after the contest you could finish the story.
Then whether you win or loose doesn't matter it is just a story to complete for the fun of it.
That is what I chose to do but I haven't promoted it yet. Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 09-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 10-Apr-2015
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You are right. I have thought about that, it's a good idea. Thanks for your review.
Comment from Wabigoon
That's certainly scary enough. Certainly not something you want to come true. I do not want to use more words in my review than you so I will simply congratulate you. You wrote a good scare in less than 100 words.
Thanks
Wabigoon
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2015
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That's certainly scary enough. Certainly not something you want to come true. I do not want to use more words in my review than you so I will simply congratulate you. You wrote a good scare in less than 100 words.
Thanks
Wabigoon
Comment Written 09-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2015
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Thank you so much for your encouraging review.
Comment from jpduck
This is well written, but the ending lets the piece down. It is particularly important in flash fiction that there should be some kind of surprise at the end. In this story, the finish was predictable by the end of the first paragraph. I know it's difficult within the hundred word limit. But it can be done, and has been in this competition already.
One typo:
'The contour of a head appears.' (Insert a blank line after this to mark the new paragraph).
Adrian
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2015
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This is well written, but the ending lets the piece down. It is particularly important in flash fiction that there should be some kind of surprise at the end. In this story, the finish was predictable by the end of the first paragraph. I know it's difficult within the hundred word limit. But it can be done, and has been in this competition already.
One typo:
'The contour of a head appears.' (Insert a blank line after this to mark the new paragraph).
Adrian
Comment Written 09-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2015
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Ok, thanks
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
You can really feel the tension and trepidation in this piece.
Can you shiver if paralysed?
I tiptoe to the desk grasping a pair of scissors - I assume the scissors were grabbed from the desk but that is not how it reads. It reads like you already have them.
Whose muffled cry? And how is I muffled - The word suggests something over the mouth.
Just a couple of thought to ponder or ignore at your leisure.
GMG
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2015
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Hi there,
You can really feel the tension and trepidation in this piece.
Can you shiver if paralysed?
I tiptoe to the desk grasping a pair of scissors - I assume the scissors were grabbed from the desk but that is not how it reads. It reads like you already have them.
Whose muffled cry? And how is I muffled - The word suggests something over the mouth.
Just a couple of thought to ponder or ignore at your leisure.
GMG
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 09-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2015
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You certainly can, if you are scared enough. Thanks for the review, have made a few amendments.
Comment from Dean Kuch
OUCH! Talk about gettin' a kick in the head, a pair of scissors jammed into the ole brain-pan is even worse! Hopefully it was an intruder and not just housekeeping or the maid come to do a bit of cleaning. That would be rather...unfortunate.
This has all the elements, a character (the victim), and conflict (the attack) and a resolution ( a pair of scissors to the brain).
Best of luck to you in the contest...~Dean
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2015
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OUCH! Talk about gettin' a kick in the head, a pair of scissors jammed into the ole brain-pan is even worse! Hopefully it was an intruder and not just housekeeping or the maid come to do a bit of cleaning. That would be rather...unfortunate.
This has all the elements, a character (the victim), and conflict (the attack) and a resolution ( a pair of scissors to the brain).
Best of luck to you in the contest...~Dean
Comment Written 08-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2015
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No you are right, lets hope it was not the room service! The picking of the door is the modus operandi I think. Thanks for a great review.
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You're very welcome... ;)
Comment from Janet7053
Scary horror story...I like it. Hopefully it wasn't your relative picking the lock because they lost the key.
Will it be ok to let my Word program count the words? Ha ha I don't have enough fingers.
The picture is pretty much perfect for what you have described.
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2015
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Scary horror story...I like it. Hopefully it wasn't your relative picking the lock because they lost the key.
Will it be ok to let my Word program count the words? Ha ha I don't have enough fingers.
The picture is pretty much perfect for what you have described.
Comment Written 08-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2015
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Thanks so much for your review. I did count on my fingers though, he,he. I think I am all right