My Brother's Keeper
A Contest Entry26 total reviews
Comment from Leineco
Ouoof! The human mind is, when you think about it, both the source and the manifestation of all real horror! Total surprise when we reached the end. But the journey there was captivating. I liked the gritty nature of the voice used in telling this tale. . .and the feel of 'real' delving into memories. (unless you wanted to trace that shit back to birth rang clear as a brass gong - but I couldn't figure out for the life of me where it came from - though I played with the idea of childbirth killing the mom creating a guilt-ridden, dysfunctional, highly prone to violence, kid. Great use of truthful misdirection :-).
Totally enjoyed the read.
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2014
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Ouoof! The human mind is, when you think about it, both the source and the manifestation of all real horror! Total surprise when we reached the end. But the journey there was captivating. I liked the gritty nature of the voice used in telling this tale. . .and the feel of 'real' delving into memories. (unless you wanted to trace that shit back to birth rang clear as a brass gong - but I couldn't figure out for the life of me where it came from - though I played with the idea of childbirth killing the mom creating a guilt-ridden, dysfunctional, highly prone to violence, kid. Great use of truthful misdirection :-).
Totally enjoyed the read.
Comment Written 24-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2014
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Thanks for the awesome review. I'm glad I was able to catch you by surprise. I appreciate your time and attention.
Comment from Dean Kuch
One helluva story, DerivedButler, and would have easily been a sixer save for quite a few spelling errors, which I have noted for you below.
I didn't see that "twist" coming at the end, not by a long-shot, and it's pretty difficult to fool me 'cause I write these kinds of stories myself.
The plot (and I don't want to give away any spoilers in case someone reads your reviews before they read your story) was excellent, very well thought out. The writing reminded me a lot of Stephen King. It had that personal. "in-your-face" attitude that a lot of King's writing has.
Great work, buddy! Good luck in the contest.~Dean
"... but some experiences leave their markpermaneant permanent like..."
"...so he wasn't necessarily arascist racist but let somebody a shade or two darker..."
"... away from that crazy fucker at the firstoppurtunity opportunity..."
"At about nine forty-five he saw her,sorrounded surrounded by the football team and actually holding hands with Eric fucking Harlin. He grabs Harold[']s Shoulder and spins him out of the way." Changed spelling of "surrounded". Add apostrophe to Harold's to show possession.
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2014
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One helluva story, DerivedButler, and would have easily been a sixer save for quite a few spelling errors, which I have noted for you below.
I didn't see that "twist" coming at the end, not by a long-shot, and it's pretty difficult to fool me 'cause I write these kinds of stories myself.
The plot (and I don't want to give away any spoilers in case someone reads your reviews before they read your story) was excellent, very well thought out. The writing reminded me a lot of Stephen King. It had that personal. "in-your-face" attitude that a lot of King's writing has.
Great work, buddy! Good luck in the contest.~Dean
"... but some experiences leave their mark
"...so he wasn't necessarily a
"... away from that crazy fucker at the first
"At about nine forty-five he saw her,
Comment Written 24-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2014
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Dean, thanks a ton for the catches. Honestly with the way I wrote this I turned spell checker off because of all the vernacular. I thought a I had thoroughly reviewed it, but seems like some things always slip by. I made the correction's now and really appreciate your help. I'm still laughing over the fact that you called me DerivedButler, too damn funny. Auto correct or what? Have a great day and thanks again for you time.
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No, just messin' with ya', DB. I thought you might get a kicked outta' that, heh-heh...
I know what you mean about editing, my friend. It's not my favorite aspect of the whole writing process, that's for sure. Everyone misses something every now and then, and even Stephen King has editors, right?
Great story, I think you'll do really well with it.:)
Comment from kristo81
Raw dialogue, convincing narrative holds the attention throughout. I didn't anticipate the dramatic conclusion but I guess all the clues were there Congratulations
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2014
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Raw dialogue, convincing narrative holds the attention throughout. I didn't anticipate the dramatic conclusion but I guess all the clues were there Congratulations
Comment Written 24-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2014
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Kristo, thank you tremendously for your kind review. It is much appreciated. This is my first piece in a few years. Very encouraging stuff.
Comment from sweetwoodjax
this is very well written, derived better, you did an excellent job writing this story about the boy who lived with his "brother" in his head to stop him when things got too vicious in his head. I enjoyed reading it. good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2014
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this is very well written, derived better, you did an excellent job writing this story about the boy who lived with his "brother" in his head to stop him when things got too vicious in his head. I enjoyed reading it. good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 24-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2014
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Thank you for the great review and kind words. It is much appreciated.
Comment from J Patience
Well done. I did skip through to get the gist of it, (not my preferred subject matter, doesn't keep my attention well), but only noticed a couple of issues before I started skipping ahead:
quicker to fight than anybody, not then anybody.
who would hang with with him - extra "with" there.
the fuck outta my face? - doesn't need a question mark. It's an exclamation, not a query.
Great twist and dark violence. What I read, I enjoyed.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2014
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Well done. I did skip through to get the gist of it, (not my preferred subject matter, doesn't keep my attention well), but only noticed a couple of issues before I started skipping ahead:
quicker to fight than anybody, not then anybody.
who would hang with with him - extra "with" there.
the fuck outta my face? - doesn't need a question mark. It's an exclamation, not a query.
Great twist and dark violence. What I read, I enjoyed.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 24-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2014
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Awesome. I love I good editing Lol, thought I had caught all the mistakes, but some stuff just slips on by. Thanks for your time and excellent rating.
Comment from James Dooney
Hehe I like what you have done here with this one ! Its usually the guy banging every body huh ! You have given us an interesting take on things !
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2014
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Hehe I like what you have done here with this one ! Its usually the guy banging every body huh ! You have given us an interesting take on things !
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 24-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2014
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Thanks. I appreciate you taking the time to read and review.