A Devil's Triangle
Ripped from the headlines...62 total reviews
Comment from adewpearl
strong rhymes in good sonnet format
excellent use of iambic meter
vivid, mood-creating detail
I love the listing of the detritus of their marriage she left behind, including the words :-)
wow, that third quatrain has quite the volta - I guess this was not the right husband to cross
love the alliteration of cozy condo
excellent internal rhyme of cracked and sacked
the most poetic murder story I've read in a long time :-) Brooke
reply by the author on 20-Feb-2014
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strong rhymes in good sonnet format
excellent use of iambic meter
vivid, mood-creating detail
I love the listing of the detritus of their marriage she left behind, including the words :-)
wow, that third quatrain has quite the volta - I guess this was not the right husband to cross
love the alliteration of cozy condo
excellent internal rhyme of cracked and sacked
the most poetic murder story I've read in a long time :-) Brooke
Comment Written 19-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 20-Feb-2014
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Thanks so much, Brooke, for the detailed review and the kind words. I'd definitely call that volta a "turn", alright. :) I appreciate it! D
Comment from c_lucas
Love triangles are not the safest way to go. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very strong read.
reply by the author on 20-Feb-2014
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Love triangles are not the safest way to go. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very strong read.
Comment Written 19-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 20-Feb-2014
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I agree, Charley! Thanks so much!
Comment from amada
A very good rendition to that eternal triangle. This one with a common theme, the one left behind with the dog and the cats. Great adaptation into a sonnet. A pleasure.
reply by the author on 20-Feb-2014
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A very good rendition to that eternal triangle. This one with a common theme, the one left behind with the dog and the cats. Great adaptation into a sonnet. A pleasure.
Comment Written 19-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 20-Feb-2014
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Thank you very much, amada!
Comment from Louise Michelle
Wow! This piece really grabs me and pulls me in. I can really feel the protagonist's anger as your words seemed to be punched out and onto the screen. Well done. Hugs, Lou
reply by the author on 20-Feb-2014
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Wow! This piece really grabs me and pulls me in. I can really feel the protagonist's anger as your words seemed to be punched out and onto the screen. Well done. Hugs, Lou
Comment Written 19-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 20-Feb-2014
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Thank you, Louise, for the great review! I appreciate your kind comments.
Comment from reconciled
I read this earlier.....walked with me for a while. I am against murder....of any kind of life. I...watched this ...aftermath of an Amish nightmare...where this evil dressed in flesh....raped and murdered these girls in their class room......I watched the parents of at least one forgive .....and was enraged.....I am sorry....umm...but that is how I feel.....there are some things done to others....that if allowed.....encourage and solidify its lie as righteous truth. If we were all Amish...we would live in heaven....but if only the minority...we live as sheep amongst wolves. love Michael
reply by the author on 20-Feb-2014
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I read this earlier.....walked with me for a while. I am against murder....of any kind of life. I...watched this ...aftermath of an Amish nightmare...where this evil dressed in flesh....raped and murdered these girls in their class room......I watched the parents of at least one forgive .....and was enraged.....I am sorry....umm...but that is how I feel.....there are some things done to others....that if allowed.....encourage and solidify its lie as righteous truth. If we were all Amish...we would live in heaven....but if only the minority...we live as sheep amongst wolves. love Michael
Comment Written 19-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 20-Feb-2014
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I agree with you, Michael. Thanks so much for your thoughts, my friend.
Comment from kiwijenny
Yikes...where hearts were cracked, and sacked, and then interred......
Have you been watching Bones...? Well it's just so sad...love triangles become wrecked angles...sorry for the pun..it's just too merky.
God bless
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2014
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Yikes...where hearts were cracked, and sacked, and then interred......
Have you been watching Bones...? Well it's just so sad...love triangles become wrecked angles...sorry for the pun..it's just too merky.
God bless
Comment Written 19-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2014
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Pun away, my friend. I like it! Thanks so much for the review, Jenny!
Comment from closetpoetjester
Geez Louise, remind me never to get mixed up with this guy. I think I like the sound of the pooch, the pussy and the bric-a-whatsit...In spite of the violence to unfold I was a totally unsuspecting reader and thought this was just a triangular formation that had just turned slightly pear-shaped. Little did I know it had not only turned pear-shaped but kind of oblong and six foot deep shaped.
Super set of iambics as usual but I didn't like this line for meter. NO matter how hard I tried it wouldn't go. I dunno what's wrong. Maybe I'm out of rhythm.
Trembling and sweating, though not knowing whether
Over here it's TREMbling...so it just don't work for me...I'm assuming your notes refer to this trouble spot. Anyway I'm not well enough to argue so I'll just bring that point to your attention.
I suggest maybe something like:
"(He'd sweat and tremble though,) not knowing whether"
It works for me. Just my thoughts. I find it impossible to locate any fault in your work but seriously, that line did NOT work over THIS great divide. Perhaps see what others say...or can be bothered picking up. Often no one challenges a master at his work. Well I ain't afraid o' no one. I'd tell the Pope he couldn't rhyme either if I thought it the case...have no fear, m'lewdy.
Ending couplet was superb and I do like your exploration of the more sinister aspect of the three sided tri...seems like Pythagora should have explored a few more theories about the power of three. Still, he was only a mathemetician, not a romanticist or f**kin' marriage counsellor, right?
Great job.
P
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2014
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Geez Louise, remind me never to get mixed up with this guy. I think I like the sound of the pooch, the pussy and the bric-a-whatsit...In spite of the violence to unfold I was a totally unsuspecting reader and thought this was just a triangular formation that had just turned slightly pear-shaped. Little did I know it had not only turned pear-shaped but kind of oblong and six foot deep shaped.
Super set of iambics as usual but I didn't like this line for meter. NO matter how hard I tried it wouldn't go. I dunno what's wrong. Maybe I'm out of rhythm.
Trembling and sweating, though not knowing whether
Over here it's TREMbling...so it just don't work for me...I'm assuming your notes refer to this trouble spot. Anyway I'm not well enough to argue so I'll just bring that point to your attention.
I suggest maybe something like:
"(He'd sweat and tremble though,) not knowing whether"
It works for me. Just my thoughts. I find it impossible to locate any fault in your work but seriously, that line did NOT work over THIS great divide. Perhaps see what others say...or can be bothered picking up. Often no one challenges a master at his work. Well I ain't afraid o' no one. I'd tell the Pope he couldn't rhyme either if I thought it the case...have no fear, m'lewdy.
Ending couplet was superb and I do like your exploration of the more sinister aspect of the three sided tri...seems like Pythagora should have explored a few more theories about the power of three. Still, he was only a mathemetician, not a romanticist or f**kin' marriage counsellor, right?
Great job.
P
Comment Written 19-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2014
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You make me laugh, m'lady. Thanks so much, my friend.
The part you're referencing is what I was referring to in the notes. The pronunciation is the same, and it was intentional. It's what they call a metrical substitution, and it's done to emphasize a certain action, so it DOES interrupt the flow a little. It's pretty effective in readings, but maybe not as much on the written page. It took me a long time to start using them, but I do like them on occasion, and this is one of them. I appreciate your perspective, and I'll note it, m'lady, but I like it as is. I have no problem with people pointing things out, but I also have no problem explaining myself, too. In the end, like I told Ted, it's a personal preference and I can see both sides of it, surely. I'm glad you noted it, and I may wake up tomorrow and change it.
Thanks, my dear, and gear up for FRY-day. My poem is done, and it has a cast of characters. I'm trying something a little different this time, and I may have guest stars in the future, so I can dedicate a whole poem to just ONE of you, as you all do for me.
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Personal preferences noted, m'lord.
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But subject to change...:-)
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Highly unlikely me thinks. You're set in your ways...and that's okay.
You know I'll always give an honest assessment. I go off what I hear. Now...I'm off to straighten out the Pope...wish me luck...I hear he's a stubborn old prick.
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If anybody can straighten him out, or stand him up...it's you!
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Don't make me even THINK about being dirty with the Pope.
I'd make his Holy Water evaporate.
Tssssssssssssssssssss
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I would give you ASSolution for your sins...
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You're NOT the Pope.
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Thank God! I'm not capable of abstinence. :-)
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Oh really?
Got a stash of blue pills have we? *smirk*
Comment from vapros
Excellent, Marillion. Here's a guy who knows his geometry. Even as the hypotenuse, he's not as square as one might think.
You're every bit as devious as the bard, and there's some really clever phrases in your sonnet. You have entertained me today.
Bill
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2014
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Excellent, Marillion. Here's a guy who knows his geometry. Even as the hypotenuse, he's not as square as one might think.
You're every bit as devious as the bard, and there's some really clever phrases in your sonnet. You have entertained me today.
Bill
Comment Written 19-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2014
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Bill, I really appreciate that, my friend. High praise, indeed, which I'm very grateful for! I also love your sense of humor.
David
Comment from paulah60
It's a real art to be able to show rather than tell, and you very skillfully set the scene in the first stanza. And oh, that last couplet...sheer brilliance! But so is everything in between, as always, executed with perfect rhyme and meter. My favourite (on of them):
'Surprised to find you two would share a ditch
And not a cozy condo by the sea?'
It's wonderfully cathartic to write about our painful experiences, but it's also cathartic to write observationally (strange as that may sound), particularly when the words might seem a little too realistic that the reader wonders if it might actually be based on the writer's experience. That takes more than just talent or a vivid imagination to stir up even an iota of doubt in your readers. Within the psyche we are everything from angel to axe-murderer. But because we have moral and ethical obligations, are civilized and have a conscience, these dark forces never see the light of day. One of the joys of being a writer (or actor) is that you can air these things and actually be applauded for it! Sometimes that applause comes from vicariousness ("wow, thank God HE'S expressed my ugly base impulses, and not me"!!).
David, I have SUCH respect for your talent, imagination, and courage to give voice to every aspect of you! I am sixless though.
Cheers
Paula
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2014
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It's a real art to be able to show rather than tell, and you very skillfully set the scene in the first stanza. And oh, that last couplet...sheer brilliance! But so is everything in between, as always, executed with perfect rhyme and meter. My favourite (on of them):
'Surprised to find you two would share a ditch
And not a cozy condo by the sea?'
It's wonderfully cathartic to write about our painful experiences, but it's also cathartic to write observationally (strange as that may sound), particularly when the words might seem a little too realistic that the reader wonders if it might actually be based on the writer's experience. That takes more than just talent or a vivid imagination to stir up even an iota of doubt in your readers. Within the psyche we are everything from angel to axe-murderer. But because we have moral and ethical obligations, are civilized and have a conscience, these dark forces never see the light of day. One of the joys of being a writer (or actor) is that you can air these things and actually be applauded for it! Sometimes that applause comes from vicariousness ("wow, thank God HE'S expressed my ugly base impulses, and not me"!!).
David, I have SUCH respect for your talent, imagination, and courage to give voice to every aspect of you! I am sixless though.
Cheers
Paula
Comment Written 19-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2014
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You may be six-less, my friend, but according to my rogue poem (waiting in the wings), you're not sex-less. ;-)
Thank you so much, Paula, for your amazing insights (par for the course), for your understanding of the process, and for your dead-on statement about the joys of writing about things we'd never do, but sometimes think. I didn't feel like I really needed to put it wasn't personal, but since the guy just committed a double-murder, and the other guys wasn't around, I was afraid some cold cases might get re-opened based on this.
Glad to see your name pop up. I've missed you around here the last few days. I need a fix of your work, but am I to wait till Friday?
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Oh baby, I'm good to go!! And YOU are gonna be sexless after my post!
But as much as I think your choices are inspired, Friday as rogue-day is not one of these. TUESDAY was named after the god of war!
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I chose it for you ladies, actually. What other day can you say, "Thank God it's FRY-day"? :-)
Well, if I'm going to be sexless after your post, I'd better live it up now! :-)
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Oh BTW, I HAVE been around; I think you've been missing my replies to your responses to my reviews. Confused? GOOD. I wanna get the rogue kumfuddled (I just discovered that one, how good is it?!)
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er, OK...I'm waiting
And I can yell out "OH GOD OH GOD" any day!!!
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I'll get to you soon enough. Lots of land to plow between here and Oz, luv. ;-)
Hope you're having a great week. Just got out of the dentist's chair, myself.
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Sorry, it's been a busy few days actually eliminating a true-to-life rogue from a college campus. Imagine the irony of THAT!
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But who better to do it than someone who KNOWS the rogue's MO so well?!!
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So true. To catch a thief...as they say. :-)
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Still, a regular rogue is one thing, but an academic too boot...this lot are really "special" kinds of people!!!
Comment from Glasstruth
The news is a fantastic way to get a story. Often I've done that myself. Very nicely rhymed. I do feel the word "ditch" is there just for the rhyme. Some might see it as humorous. Like the internal rhyming at the end. Overall, a very fine presentation. Well done! Les
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2014
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The news is a fantastic way to get a story. Often I've done that myself. Very nicely rhymed. I do feel the word "ditch" is there just for the rhyme. Some might see it as humorous. Like the internal rhyming at the end. Overall, a very fine presentation. Well done! Les
Comment Written 19-Feb-2014
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2014
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Thanks for the review, Les, but I have to question why you think 'ditch' was there just for the rhyme when they were buried in a ditch? Was it not clear that he murdered his wife and her lover, and then buried them. I appreciate the look, and your thoughts.
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Now that you've explained it makes sense. Didn't really understand it the way you explained it here. So, you can delete that statement I made. My mistake. :)
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Sorry, Les. Sometimes when it goes from my mind to the page it gets lost in translation. :) Have a great day.