Along the Jericho Road
Viewing comments for Chapter 23 "SICA MOON"Murder Mystery
52 total reviews
Comment from jjstar
Prickles of energy moved along the fine hairs of Derek's arm, and he had the notion that he should memorize the man's features.===love this!
Wow! Well done, Bev! Sorry I've been out of commission for a week. It's the end of the grading period and things are heating up. I've been so busy I haven't had time to read or review or do much of anything.
Great observation and description of the suspect and superb ending! Loved it!
. "I just want to be sure no one is pretending to be a policeman.==wow, good call on the nurse's part. So often we see fake police in cop dramas...great job!
Remembering the inquisitor from earlier, ==uh oh...must be the bad guy!
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2012
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Prickles of energy moved along the fine hairs of Derek's arm, and he had the notion that he should memorize the man's features.===love this!
Wow! Well done, Bev! Sorry I've been out of commission for a week. It's the end of the grading period and things are heating up. I've been so busy I haven't had time to read or review or do much of anything.
Great observation and description of the suspect and superb ending! Loved it!
. "I just want to be sure no one is pretending to be a policeman.==wow, good call on the nurse's part. So often we see fake police in cop dramas...great job!
Remembering the inquisitor from earlier, ==uh oh...must be the bad guy!
Comment Written 02-Nov-2012
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2012
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Thank you, girlfriend, for this so-generous review. You don't ever have to apologize regarding reviews to me. You've already been such a blessing, jj. I so appreciate you letting me know what worked for you. That's a great help. Hugs, Bev
Comment from Adri7enne
"IT'S rare, Lloyd Wright-inspired ..." ITS - No apostrophe needed.
"He's probably more scared than angry. Good, it'll..." I don't think you need to repeat that. You've already established that the elderly man was fearful of some killer on the loose. Just my opinion of course.
"It's amazing how much can be OVERHEAD when you.." OVERHEARD???
"And, Todd, no one gets INTO see ..." IN TO - two words.
"WHOSE taking the next shift?" WHO'S
I love the large type. Easy to read.
I'm getting a bit muddled in all these characters.
I might make your gathered detectives a bit more edgy, less politically correct. Course that might just be my jaded impression of a group of cops sitting together. LOL!
So Jana Burke has been dreaming about this character. A touch of the supernatural. "What in hell are we dealing with, indeed!
Good, easy reading, Bev. Next!
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2012
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"IT'S rare, Lloyd Wright-inspired ..." ITS - No apostrophe needed.
"He's probably more scared than angry. Good, it'll..." I don't think you need to repeat that. You've already established that the elderly man was fearful of some killer on the loose. Just my opinion of course.
"It's amazing how much can be OVERHEAD when you.." OVERHEARD???
"And, Todd, no one gets INTO see ..." IN TO - two words.
"WHOSE taking the next shift?" WHO'S
I love the large type. Easy to read.
I'm getting a bit muddled in all these characters.
I might make your gathered detectives a bit more edgy, less politically correct. Course that might just be my jaded impression of a group of cops sitting together. LOL!
So Jana Burke has been dreaming about this character. A touch of the supernatural. "What in hell are we dealing with, indeed!
Good, easy reading, Bev. Next!
Comment Written 02-Nov-2012
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2012
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Thanks for the very helpful review, Adrienne. I will certainly take a look at the changes you are suggesting. I appreciate the insights! Bev
Comment from mauial
I like mysteries and it looks like you have a good one going here. Good, it'll keep him home with his door locks (locked) I think that this is a truth: It 's probably too much to expect empathy from someone on the short side of thirty.
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2012
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I like mysteries and it looks like you have a good one going here. Good, it'll keep him home with his door locks (locked) I think that this is a truth: It 's probably too much to expect empathy from someone on the short side of thirty.
Comment Written 02-Nov-2012
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2012
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Thank you for stopping by to read, mauial. I appreciate your sharp eye for the spag and generous review. Warmest regards, Bev
Comment from smudge
Love the large type and the italic for internal dialogue. It is exciting and well written with that extra imagination for a hook. Excellent.
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2012
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Love the large type and the italic for internal dialogue. It is exciting and well written with that extra imagination for a hook. Excellent.
Comment Written 02-Nov-2012
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2012
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Thank you so much, smudge. Appreciate your stopping by! Bev
Comment from Mary Ann MCPhedran
A good write and sound mysterious. I enjoyed reading your chapter. Thanks for sharing with me. Needs no edit. Thanks for sharing with me. Mary
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2012
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A good write and sound mysterious. I enjoyed reading your chapter. Thanks for sharing with me. Needs no edit. Thanks for sharing with me. Mary
Comment Written 02-Nov-2012
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2012
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Thank you much, Mary Ann. I appreciate your continued support and generous review. Warm regards, Bev
Comment from fictionwriter
good piece of the story. I'd like to see a bit more of what the sheriff is thinking as he goes about at the hospital, to let the reader know about his suspicions and what he thinks about he deputy who's talking to the nurse. Once the stranger appears, I see more of that and it works better for me.
well done, just a couple of nits
is first sight was of Detective Newstead leaning against the counter of the nurse's station, talking with a pretty blonde seated o(this line bothers me, it seems passive instead of active. I suggest combining it with the sentence befor, something like, the security door whooshed open, revealing Detective Newstead positioned in fromt of the nurses' station. All of his attention and conversation intent on the pretty blonde seated on the other side of the desk.)Just a suggestion.
Their boss chose that moment to enter the room. Derek Oleson's look of determination lifted their spirits.
He surveyed the room.(room and room used too close together. I suggest just dropping the first on and saying Their boss chose that moment to enter.)
"At the moment(,) I want you to focus
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2012
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good piece of the story. I'd like to see a bit more of what the sheriff is thinking as he goes about at the hospital, to let the reader know about his suspicions and what he thinks about he deputy who's talking to the nurse. Once the stranger appears, I see more of that and it works better for me.
well done, just a couple of nits
is first sight was of Detective Newstead leaning against the counter of the nurse's station, talking with a pretty blonde seated o(this line bothers me, it seems passive instead of active. I suggest combining it with the sentence befor, something like, the security door whooshed open, revealing Detective Newstead positioned in fromt of the nurses' station. All of his attention and conversation intent on the pretty blonde seated on the other side of the desk.)Just a suggestion.
Their boss chose that moment to enter the room. Derek Oleson's look of determination lifted their spirits.
He surveyed the room.(room and room used too close together. I suggest just dropping the first on and saying Their boss chose that moment to enter.)
"At the moment(,) I want you to focus
Comment Written 02-Nov-2012
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2012
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Thanks so much for the helpful insights, Joy. I think you've made some very good points, and I appreciate the support! Bev
Comment from donaldww
Hi Bev,
I enjoyed this next instalment of your novel. I didn't see any SPAG issues anywhere.
One thing I noticed is just a general comment. If you look at the prose in the last section (between tilde marks) I thought that you might find a way of giving some variation to paragraph size. It almost feels like every paragraph is the same and that could lead to monotony. Maybe vary the sentence length in a couple places. No specific suggestions, just something for you to take a look at.
Cheers,
DW
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2012
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Hi Bev,
I enjoyed this next instalment of your novel. I didn't see any SPAG issues anywhere.
One thing I noticed is just a general comment. If you look at the prose in the last section (between tilde marks) I thought that you might find a way of giving some variation to paragraph size. It almost feels like every paragraph is the same and that could lead to monotony. Maybe vary the sentence length in a couple places. No specific suggestions, just something for you to take a look at.
Cheers,
DW
Comment Written 01-Nov-2012
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2012
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Good suggestions, Donald. Thanks for the advice and generous review. Bev
Comment from Connie C
Don't apologize at all for the large print. I can actually read it without glasses! And what I have read, I really like. Wish I could point out a spag or two just so you know how closely I'm reading this, but I honestly didn't find any. Besides, I'm once again thoroughly engrossed in the story, too much to be looking for spags. You are so good at the dialogue, description, and keeping your readers wondering what will happen next. Love it all, Bev. Looks like FS won't let me give you a well-deserved six for this.
Hugs,
Connie
reply by the author on 01-Nov-2012
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Don't apologize at all for the large print. I can actually read it without glasses! And what I have read, I really like. Wish I could point out a spag or two just so you know how closely I'm reading this, but I honestly didn't find any. Besides, I'm once again thoroughly engrossed in the story, too much to be looking for spags. You are so good at the dialogue, description, and keeping your readers wondering what will happen next. Love it all, Bev. Looks like FS won't let me give you a well-deserved six for this.
Hugs,
Connie
Comment Written 01-Nov-2012
reply by the author on 01-Nov-2012
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Connie, thank you for reading my chapter. I so appreciate your insights into the writing. Does my heart good to know that you are still enjoying the story. Your wish for a six is really most kind. I am very happy with your generous five star rating, my friend, for you are a true source of inspiration for me. Love ya, Bev
Comment from sweetwoodjax
this is very well written, beverly, you did a great job writing this chapter where they run into someone at the hospital that shouldn't have been there and they are about to reopen the monseignor;s abuse case,
reply by the author on 01-Nov-2012
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this is very well written, beverly, you did a great job writing this chapter where they run into someone at the hospital that shouldn't have been there and they are about to reopen the monseignor;s abuse case,
Comment Written 01-Nov-2012
reply by the author on 01-Nov-2012
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Hi, Sweetwoodjax. Thank you for your gracious review! I appreciate the support. Warm regards, Bev
Comment from Norbanus
This is a super, story. Excellent naration and good dialogue and a plausible flow. I didn't find SPAG errors or opportunities to improve the tale.
reply by the author on 01-Nov-2012
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This is a super, story. Excellent naration and good dialogue and a plausible flow. I didn't find SPAG errors or opportunities to improve the tale.
Comment Written 01-Nov-2012
reply by the author on 01-Nov-2012
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Thank you very much Norbanus. I really appreciate you choosing to read my chapter. The support is most encouraging! Warm regards, Bev