One More Dram
A story disguised as a poem--or vice versa.33 total reviews
Comment from writer c
Lee, this is absolutely a terrific, rip-roarin' cowboy story in a poem. Favorite line for poetic phrasing is "he dealt his game on felted fields, in barrooms bloused in smoke". Great! Your rhyme scheme is strong (we poets notice those things). Your meter is perfect for the story, with only a slight stumble in two lines of the poem, but the whole thang just moves along to its darned ambiguous ending. Grist for another Coleman story/poem. I'll set on down with ya, cowboy, and hear the ending of this one. Don't suppose they've got a glass of Sauvignon Blanc behind that there bar, but I'll swig what they got to hear more of Coleman!!
Carol
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2012
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Lee, this is absolutely a terrific, rip-roarin' cowboy story in a poem. Favorite line for poetic phrasing is "he dealt his game on felted fields, in barrooms bloused in smoke". Great! Your rhyme scheme is strong (we poets notice those things). Your meter is perfect for the story, with only a slight stumble in two lines of the poem, but the whole thang just moves along to its darned ambiguous ending. Grist for another Coleman story/poem. I'll set on down with ya, cowboy, and hear the ending of this one. Don't suppose they've got a glass of Sauvignon Blanc behind that there bar, but I'll swig what they got to hear more of Coleman!!
Carol
Comment Written 25-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2012
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Hey, Sis, good to hear from you. I'm afraid Red Eye will have to substitute for your Sauvignon Blanc. I'm really glad you enjoyed this--particularly because you're a poet and I'm trespassing on your turf. I'd like to know which lines caused you to stumble, so I can work on them. Damn this poetry stuff is hard! Thanks, Carol. I hope all is going well with your book. Peace, Lee
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Here are the two lines that gave me a stumble:
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uh, I hate this one line thingy to write more than a little. I'll PM you.
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Lee, I LOVE the edits. This flows like a fine wine..uh, well maybe not in the context of this lil story, but you get my drift...lol C.
Comment from Judian James
You never cease to amaze. BRAVO!!! This is fabulous. I love when you write in a particular vernacular and this piece had me convinced you're a cowboy and definitely not from CT!! Yeah, I'll pour you one more dram ... SUPERB!!
The first line is killer-good, so who could possibly NOT keep reading? ... and, it just got better and better! Great rhythm throughout, Lee.
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2012
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You never cease to amaze. BRAVO!!! This is fabulous. I love when you write in a particular vernacular and this piece had me convinced you're a cowboy and definitely not from CT!! Yeah, I'll pour you one more dram ... SUPERB!!
The first line is killer-good, so who could possibly NOT keep reading? ... and, it just got better and better! Great rhythm throughout, Lee.
Comment Written 25-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2012
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Hey, Jude, thank you so much! I always feel like a pretender when I try to write poetry, but a story poem, well, I thought I'd give it a try. I'm glad you're reading, and I hope you're writing. Peace, Lee
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so busy and otherwise engaged of late! I have no funny-money to pay for a post but one will appear before the week is out. How are you?
Comment from N.K. Wagner
No more 6s this month, Lee. I enjoyed the story. I enjoyed the rhyming couplets. Two typos:
He'd just one chance to duck this dance"his trusty booted knife.- omit quotation marks
One royal scream"turned sightless dream"Queen wide-eyed in the dust. - add spaces around quotation marks
I suspect this is a winner. Well done. :D Nancy
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2012
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No more 6s this month, Lee. I enjoyed the story. I enjoyed the rhyming couplets. Two typos:
He'd just one chance to duck this dance"his trusty booted knife.- omit quotation marks
One royal scream"turned sightless dream"Queen wide-eyed in the dust. - add spaces around quotation marks
I suspect this is a winner. Well done. :D Nancy
Comment Written 25-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2012
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Thank you, Nancy. In all cases, those " were supposed to be long dashes. That's what I get for not using Advanced Editor!
So that's what rhyming couplets are? Who knew? I'm glad you enjoyed. Peace, Lee
Comment from Writingfundimension
One of the best of this type of poetry I've read on this site. I'm so glad I didn't enter this contest! My favorite:
'Before the mob could knot the rope, the Queen and Jack stepped in,
and wisked the gambler to a cave, as if to save his skin.
'Just tell us where you've hid your hoard, we'll deem it our fair pay,
And set you loose to slip the noose, and gallop on your way.'
Great meter, great rhymes and very effective alliteration.
Good luck in the conset with this stunner, Lee.
Regards, Bev
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2012
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One of the best of this type of poetry I've read on this site. I'm so glad I didn't enter this contest! My favorite:
'Before the mob could knot the rope, the Queen and Jack stepped in,
and wisked the gambler to a cave, as if to save his skin.
'Just tell us where you've hid your hoard, we'll deem it our fair pay,
And set you loose to slip the noose, and gallop on your way.'
Great meter, great rhymes and very effective alliteration.
Good luck in the conset with this stunner, Lee.
Regards, Bev
Comment Written 25-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2012
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Thank you, Bev. I'm delighted you enjoyed. Peace, Lee
Comment from JeffreyStone
Outstanding, worthy of six stars,but the system won't let me give it to you. Great story, great rhyme, great rhythm. Great reading from first to last dram. Jeffrey
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2012
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Outstanding, worthy of six stars,but the system won't let me give it to you. Great story, great rhyme, great rhythm. Great reading from first to last dram. Jeffrey
Comment Written 25-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2012
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Thank you, Jeffrey. I'm really glad you enjoyed. Peace, Lee
Comment from robyn corum
I enjoyed it. It was slow going, cause of the language, but worth it. The following is why I adore your writing. Gems like this turn up and make me so jealous:
"He dealt his game on felted fields, in barrooms bloused in smoke."
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2012
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I enjoyed it. It was slow going, cause of the language, but worth it. The following is why I adore your writing. Gems like this turn up and make me so jealous:
"He dealt his game on felted fields, in barrooms bloused in smoke."
Comment Written 25-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2012
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Sorry about the dialect, but I find it so rich and colorful. I'm so glad you enjoyed. Thank you. Peace, Lee
Comment from barbara.wilkey
This is so good I am at a loss for words. It's a great story/poem or poem/story. I am not sure which came first. It flowed, it's rhymed, it had vivid imagery. It's just plain good.
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2012
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This is so good I am at a loss for words. It's a great story/poem or poem/story. I am not sure which came first. It flowed, it's rhymed, it had vivid imagery. It's just plain good.
Comment Written 25-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2012
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Barbara, thank you so much for your fine and generous review!
I'm so glad you enjoyed. Peace, Lee
Comment from Spiritual Echo
Just add another notch on that belt of victories.
This was absolute great fun to read and is a great entry.
You got me believeing you lived in Montana rathe than CT as I was reading.
Love to sive you a 6 for thi highly entertaining poem...but alas...
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2012
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Just add another notch on that belt of victories.
This was absolute great fun to read and is a great entry.
You got me believeing you lived in Montana rathe than CT as I was reading.
Love to sive you a 6 for thi highly entertaining poem...but alas...
Comment Written 25-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2012
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Thank you, Ingrid! I don't think I'll notch my six-gun just yet, but I hope you're right. I'm delighted you enjoyed. Peace, Lee
Comment from LucyB
My, oh my, this was lots of fun! Pour me one more dram! You are too good! I loved the story and you did a super Job putting it into poem form. The humor was most welcome and the characters very believable. What a great job!
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2012
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My, oh my, this was lots of fun! Pour me one more dram! You are too good! I loved the story and you did a super Job putting it into poem form. The humor was most welcome and the characters very believable. What a great job!
Comment Written 25-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2012
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Thank you, LucyB. I'm delighted you enjoyed my poetry/prose hybrid. Thanks again. Peace, Lee
Comment from djsaxon
Perfect. It doesn't falter or compromise the genre from go to whoa. Lyrical, earthy write that had me hooked from line one. On first read, a ewlines struck me as forced, but nah. You mailed this one, my friend. Cheers -J
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2012
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Perfect. It doesn't falter or compromise the genre from go to whoa. Lyrical, earthy write that had me hooked from line one. On first read, a ewlines struck me as forced, but nah. You mailed this one, my friend. Cheers -J
Comment Written 25-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2012
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Thank you so much for this very generous review. I'm delighted you enjoyed. Peace, Lee