The Steep Price
a casualty32 total reviews
Comment from Oatmeal
The theme was many things but never happy or fun. The flow was good. The formatting looked nice.
There was no SPAG. No typos. No homophones. No problems at all.
I look forward to seeing you again.
Love you,
Oatmeal
reply by the author on 30-Apr-2010
  |
The theme was many things but never happy or fun. The flow was good. The formatting looked nice.
There was no SPAG. No typos. No homophones. No problems at all.
I look forward to seeing you again.
Love you,
Oatmeal
Comment Written 29-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 30-Apr-2010
-
Oatmeal, thank you sdo very much..you are always so very kind and sweet and supportive..thank you thank you
Comment from M. Karol
This is so touching and sad. I must say, war does strange things to people...it breaks them.
You have put your feelings of his devastation so brilliantly and simply.
all the best
Madhvi
reply by the author on 30-Apr-2010
 |
This is so touching and sad. I must say, war does strange things to people...it breaks them.
You have put your feelings of his devastation so brilliantly and simply.
all the best
Madhvi
Comment Written 29-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 30-Apr-2010
-
MKarol, oh goodness, I never expected this kind of response from my simple poem. thank you so very much..I am humbled and honored..thank you , thank you!!
Comment from Shirley B
This is a beautiful poem. It shows what war can do. it is very true. I know war is hard for the troops but also for the ones they leave behind. Thank you for sharing this poem with us, Shirley
reply by the author on 30-Apr-2010
|
This is a beautiful poem. It shows what war can do. it is very true. I know war is hard for the troops but also for the ones they leave behind. Thank you for sharing this poem with us, Shirley
Comment Written 29-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 30-Apr-2010
-
Shirley B, once again I am humbled and honored. thank you so very very much...
Comment from hotstuff
Your poem is so very sad. It portrays the horror and futility of war. The destruction war creates often goes unseen and your poem highlights damage that isn't visible to the naked eye but is a killer nonetheless. Too steep a price to pay.
reply by the author on 30-Apr-2010
|
Your poem is so very sad. It portrays the horror and futility of war. The destruction war creates often goes unseen and your poem highlights damage that isn't visible to the naked eye but is a killer nonetheless. Too steep a price to pay.
Comment Written 29-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 30-Apr-2010
-
hotstuff, thank you so very much for stopping by to read and review. I am truly honored..again thank you..
Comment from Ash Madox
This is a very fine entry in the contest. The rhythm and progression of this story in a poem are wonderful as each stanza progresses. The poem highlights the impact of war--first the pride, then the horrors encountered, then finally spirits dashed (for both) and the raw results. It's well thouht out and executed because it manages to portray so many emotions with beautiful brevity. Very embracing.
The final stanza, however, doesn't hold the same rhythm, so it throws the rest of the piece out. In each stanza you have a four syllable beat ((which to my mind is a clever and subtle metaphor for the marching to/in war element). You might have designed the final stanza that way deliberately to showcase the chaos of what war does to emotions and thinking processes (not sure) but it doesn't work for me. It let's the poem down, rather than supporting it, because the change of rhythm is a little too jarring.
If you had something like...
Boy went to war
He marched with pride
He loved me so
But heart has died
...it would be more in keeping with the rhythm of this lovely piece and support it much more strongly through consistency. I'm not suggesting you use those words, of course, just as an example to retain the beat. To attempt to rewrite someone else's work is sheer arrogance in my opinion--the soul of any write, prose or poetry, must always remain with the author. To offer suggestions is one thing; anything more is pompous.
For what they're worth, those are my thoughts on this lovely piece. And for creativity, intent and a valuable message, this is easily a five for me. Good luck in the contest, I'm sure it'll do well. Ash.
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2010
|
This is a very fine entry in the contest. The rhythm and progression of this story in a poem are wonderful as each stanza progresses. The poem highlights the impact of war--first the pride, then the horrors encountered, then finally spirits dashed (for both) and the raw results. It's well thouht out and executed because it manages to portray so many emotions with beautiful brevity. Very embracing.
The final stanza, however, doesn't hold the same rhythm, so it throws the rest of the piece out. In each stanza you have a four syllable beat ((which to my mind is a clever and subtle metaphor for the marching to/in war element). You might have designed the final stanza that way deliberately to showcase the chaos of what war does to emotions and thinking processes (not sure) but it doesn't work for me. It let's the poem down, rather than supporting it, because the change of rhythm is a little too jarring.
If you had something like...
Boy went to war
He marched with pride
He loved me so
But heart has died
...it would be more in keeping with the rhythm of this lovely piece and support it much more strongly through consistency. I'm not suggesting you use those words, of course, just as an example to retain the beat. To attempt to rewrite someone else's work is sheer arrogance in my opinion--the soul of any write, prose or poetry, must always remain with the author. To offer suggestions is one thing; anything more is pompous.
For what they're worth, those are my thoughts on this lovely piece. And for creativity, intent and a valuable message, this is easily a five for me. Good luck in the contest, I'm sure it'll do well. Ash.
Comment Written 29-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2010
-
Ash Madox, nice to meet you. Your review is most welcomed and thorough and I wholeheartedly agree. You are exceptionally astute, and yes the last stanza is thrown off a bit and I will certainly change..thank you so very very much..check in a few..I am sure it will flow just right, thanks to you!!!
-
Aha! A simple but effective change. The rhythm is retained and it's now a complete and more powerful poem. Beautiful. Very nice to meet you too and a pleasure to read this, regardless of change, but even more so now. You're welcome :) Lovely.
Comment from fairydancer
Very powerful poem on the atrocities that soldiers at war must see and endure.
The way you have told your 'story' is very compelling.
Great rhyming, meter and flow make this so easy to read, well done :)
reply by the author on 30-Apr-2010
|
Very powerful poem on the atrocities that soldiers at war must see and endure.
The way you have told your 'story' is very compelling.
Great rhyming, meter and flow make this so easy to read, well done :)
Comment Written 29-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 30-Apr-2010
-
fairydancer, thank you so very very much. I am truly humbled by all the great reviews. again thank you so much!!
Comment from Jeanie Mercer
This is a touching and heartbreaking tale of the post-traumatic syndrome that sometimes is a result of war. It is devastating to the one who suffers it personally, and also to the one who loves him. My best wishes to you, Jeanie Mercer
reply by the author on 30-Apr-2010
|
This is a touching and heartbreaking tale of the post-traumatic syndrome that sometimes is a result of war. It is devastating to the one who suffers it personally, and also to the one who loves him. My best wishes to you, Jeanie Mercer
Comment Written 29-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 30-Apr-2010
-
Jeanie Mercier, thank you so very much for stopping by to read and review my work.
Comment from Perp Ihebom
This is really a sad story of the devastations that war causes. I enjoyed the smooth rhythmic flow of your well chosen words. Beautiful rhymes. In the last stanza, i thought you wanted to contrast the boy who went to war with the state of the man who returned. kudos
reply by the author on 30-Apr-2010
|
This is really a sad story of the devastations that war causes. I enjoyed the smooth rhythmic flow of your well chosen words. Beautiful rhymes. In the last stanza, i thought you wanted to contrast the boy who went to war with the state of the man who returned. kudos
Comment Written 29-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 30-Apr-2010
-
Perp Ihebom, thank you so very very much. I am honored that a poet of your calibre rates my work so highly!! thank you thank you
Comment from kleblanc
I loved this poem. It was so true and telling and emotion provoking. I'm not sure if I would have changed anything. Great Job!
reply by the author on 30-Apr-2010
|
I loved this poem. It was so true and telling and emotion provoking. I'm not sure if I would have changed anything. Great Job!
Comment Written 29-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 30-Apr-2010
-
kleblanc, once again I am speechless. I cannot thank you enough for such an exceptional review. I never expected this poem to go over so well..again thank you!!!
Comment from Sandy P.
This was beautiful to read - just for the fact that it flowed so perfectly. The content is poignant and heartfelt and expressed so well. I wish you luck in the contest. I believe you have a strong contender here.
Sandy
reply by the author on 30-Apr-2010
|
This was beautiful to read - just for the fact that it flowed so perfectly. The content is poignant and heartfelt and expressed so well. I wish you luck in the contest. I believe you have a strong contender here.
Sandy
Comment Written 29-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 30-Apr-2010
-
WerdNerd, thank you so very very much. There are some great poems out there, so I am very honored..thank you so much..