Contest Entry and Winners
Viewing comments for Chapter 10 "You're Caught!"Short Stories
40 total reviews
Comment from jrsimms29
Wow, very powerful! I think the conversation between Heidi and Candice feels kind of unnatural. I know that Candice is an officer of the law and only doing her job, but she is feeling conflicted over what she's doing to Heidi, and I think it would help the situation to feel more real if you put more of her emotional responses to the conversation in between the lines of dialogue. But I love the very end, and it certainly gives a thought-provoking response to the prompt.
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2010
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Wow, very powerful! I think the conversation between Heidi and Candice feels kind of unnatural. I know that Candice is an officer of the law and only doing her job, but she is feeling conflicted over what she's doing to Heidi, and I think it would help the situation to feel more real if you put more of her emotional responses to the conversation in between the lines of dialogue. But I love the very end, and it certainly gives a thought-provoking response to the prompt.
Comment Written 18-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2010
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jrsimms
I think Candice's anger discovering her friend was a major drug supplier and the fact that she'd hidden the baby from her brother..not even sharing the fact with her best friend...but a frost on Candice's emotions. Thanks for the great review. I appreciate it very much. Smiling at you...
Comment from mbroyles2
I enjoyed this story.
It had an excellent plot and makeup.
I connected to the main character very well.
I was wondering why she dreaded going to the airport and you brought me along quite well.
Lucky for Heidi, she will be able to find a suitable replacement for Sam.
Good luck in the contest.
Michael
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2010
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I enjoyed this story.
It had an excellent plot and makeup.
I connected to the main character very well.
I was wondering why she dreaded going to the airport and you brought me along quite well.
Lucky for Heidi, she will be able to find a suitable replacement for Sam.
Good luck in the contest.
Michael
Comment Written 18-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2010
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Michael
Heidi was the main drug supplier..she's off to prison after delivering the baby..no suitors where she is going. Thanks for the review...Smiles to you, Carol
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Yeah, I meant that the baby would have a suitable replacement. Did kind of sound stupid didn't it. I never like Heidi anyway. :)
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MIchael
None of your comments ever sound stupid. You are a great writer and I like that we can toss our ideas back and forth...Two heads are better than one, they say...
Smiles to you, my friend. Have a great day!
Always, CArol
Comment from melyuki
WEll what a rap.your head has been working double time, let alone overtime. fantastic drug story with a twist and a half.. I couldn't have guessed where this was heading and what a plot. great job Sis, this one is a beauty. your brain in functioning to perfection once again. yeah... luv and hugs little sis. xxx
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2010
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WEll what a rap.your head has been working double time, let alone overtime. fantastic drug story with a twist and a half.. I couldn't have guessed where this was heading and what a plot. great job Sis, this one is a beauty. your brain in functioning to perfection once again. yeah... luv and hugs little sis. xxx
Comment Written 18-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2010
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Sis.
I really liked this one...Hesitated to put it in this blind but as I had entered....her it is...So glad you were surprised. Smiles....
Comment from sierra scribbler
I think you need to fix this line:"as if she'd sucker punched in the stomach...
Don't you mean lives in Houston, not lived?
I think I am lost. Heidi is your friend that is picking you up, yes?
But this line you write:"What's up Heidi, why didn't you just drop me off...
then the next line is: "I have something to tell you.... this makes it sound like Heidi is still talking????
I hope I didn't confuse you. Maybe I am just confused.
Thanks.
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2010
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I think you need to fix this line:"as if she'd sucker punched in the stomach...
Don't you mean lives in Houston, not lived?
I think I am lost. Heidi is your friend that is picking you up, yes?
But this line you write:"What's up Heidi, why didn't you just drop me off...
then the next line is: "I have something to tell you.... this makes it sound like Heidi is still talking????
I hope I didn't confuse you. Maybe I am just confused.
Thanks.
Comment Written 18-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2010
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Sierra
Heidi picked Candice up at her home and took her to the airport. Instead of dropping her off at the terminal door, she parked the car in the parking ramp so she could talk to her.
The new paragraph after the one sentence, let's the reader know that the person speaking has changed...If it was the same person, the conversation would have been in just one paragraph.
Sorry you were confused. Hope this helps you. Smiles.....
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Thanks.
Comment from LOA7
Good story. There was a question mark after, "It's about the baby," where there should be a comma. It took me a bit to understand the part about Candice being a New York Vice cop (when she was in the restaurant). But this story has great potential. I hope you go far with it.
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2010
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Good story. There was a question mark after, "It's about the baby," where there should be a comma. It took me a bit to understand the part about Candice being a New York Vice cop (when she was in the restaurant). But this story has great potential. I hope you go far with it.
Comment Written 18-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2010
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LOA7
You weren't suppose to be aware of CAnice's occupation until the end...Thanks for the review and comments.
Comment from Readywriter52
Heidi went from being a woman with a bastard husband to being arrested as a drug dealer. That is one big leap for her. Both Sam and she weren't very nice people.
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2010
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Heidi went from being a woman with a bastard husband to being arrested as a drug dealer. That is one big leap for her. Both Sam and she weren't very nice people.
Comment Written 18-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2010
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ReadyWriter
That's why she stayed with him even when she found out he was cheating only two weeks after their marriage...He did what she asked to sell the drugs...Smiles
Comment from chaswriter
blind author - You have a talent for writing a wicked story. You've got good characterization and a smooth flowing plot. The only problem I see with it is that evefrything was tied up too easily and handed to the reader in a neat package. There needs to be a little more conflict before the resolution IMHO. Good luck in the contest.
Here are some detailed comments:
( )= suggested changes
Luckily, our trip was uneventful(, )and we arrived at the airport with time to spare. - both comma and conjunction needed when combining two independent sentences
Eight months later, my opinion of her husband had only (deteriorated). - misspelled word
My best friend was about to deliver her first child any day(, )and she was just now telling me her husband wasn't the father.
She'd pulled some outrageous jokes in the past(, )and I was actually praying this was one of them.
No, I met him the weekend I came home(, )and three weeks later we were married.
Regardless of my prayers, Mother Nature hadn't accommodated me(, )and I boarded Flight 891, destination Los Angeles.
My stomach was tied in knots as I tried inconspicuously to watch my best friend's husband exchange spit with a (five-hundred- dollar-an-hour-escort) date.
I wondered why he bothered registering at the hotel(, )because if he groped her much more(, )the act would be completed right here in the restaurant.
I volunteered to(--)" - an abrupt stop is indicated by an em-dash rather than an ellipsis
The radio went dead(, )and Joe's pearly whites gleamed at me.
He'd been arrested for solicitation(, )and after confiscating six plastic wrapped squares of heroin from his suitcase, he was also charged with drug possession with the attempt to deliver.
We exchanged hugs(, )and I followed her into the front room.
I was nervous(, )knowing what I had to say. - semicolon doesn't work here
When he went to Los Angeles, I knew he wouldn't be able to resist the temptation(, )and I saw an opportunity for us to catch him, hoping he'd have drugs in his possession as well."
Hope this helps. Charlie
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2010
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blind author - You have a talent for writing a wicked story. You've got good characterization and a smooth flowing plot. The only problem I see with it is that evefrything was tied up too easily and handed to the reader in a neat package. There needs to be a little more conflict before the resolution IMHO. Good luck in the contest.
Here are some detailed comments:
( )= suggested changes
Luckily, our trip was uneventful(, )and we arrived at the airport with time to spare. - both comma and conjunction needed when combining two independent sentences
Eight months later, my opinion of her husband had only (deteriorated). - misspelled word
My best friend was about to deliver her first child any day(, )and she was just now telling me her husband wasn't the father.
She'd pulled some outrageous jokes in the past(, )and I was actually praying this was one of them.
No, I met him the weekend I came home(, )and three weeks later we were married.
Regardless of my prayers, Mother Nature hadn't accommodated me(, )and I boarded Flight 891, destination Los Angeles.
My stomach was tied in knots as I tried inconspicuously to watch my best friend's husband exchange spit with a (five-hundred- dollar-an-hour-escort) date.
I wondered why he bothered registering at the hotel(, )because if he groped her much more(, )the act would be completed right here in the restaurant.
I volunteered to(--)" - an abrupt stop is indicated by an em-dash rather than an ellipsis
The radio went dead(, )and Joe's pearly whites gleamed at me.
He'd been arrested for solicitation(, )and after confiscating six plastic wrapped squares of heroin from his suitcase, he was also charged with drug possession with the attempt to deliver.
We exchanged hugs(, )and I followed her into the front room.
I was nervous(, )knowing what I had to say. - semicolon doesn't work here
When he went to Los Angeles, I knew he wouldn't be able to resist the temptation(, )and I saw an opportunity for us to catch him, hoping he'd have drugs in his possession as well."
Hope this helps. Charlie
Comment Written 18-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2010
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Charlie
The rule of using the comma before the conjunction when connecting two sentences is not a hard and fast one anymore...But I thank you for taking the time to find each and every one that I did not use. For the other errors, not only was the story blind, I believe I was too. Trying to do too much at one time...Hate makes waste...and this is a good example. I shall fix asap. Smiles to you,
Comment from Marjorie D.
That was intriguing. The way my emotions, as a reader, fluctuated at different points of the story has me very impressed. It was full of surprises and made a good read.
Eight months later, my opinion of her husband had only deteriated (deteriorated).
... as if she'd sucker punched (me)in the stomach.
All I could do is (was) shake my head in total amazement. (To keep the tense consistent.)
... as I tried inconspicuously to watch my best friend's husband ... (suggestion: ... tried to inconspicuously watch ...)
I was nervous;(,) knowing what I had to say.
"Because the father of the baby you are carrying is my step-brother. (I think the sentence would be better with "Because" deleted.)
Good luck!
XO
Marjorie
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2010
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That was intriguing. The way my emotions, as a reader, fluctuated at different points of the story has me very impressed. It was full of surprises and made a good read.
Eight months later, my opinion of her husband had only deteriated (deteriorated).
... as if she'd sucker punched (me)in the stomach.
All I could do is (was) shake my head in total amazement. (To keep the tense consistent.)
... as I tried inconspicuously to watch my best friend's husband ... (suggestion: ... tried to inconspicuously watch ...)
I was nervous;(,) knowing what I had to say.
"Because the father of the baby you are carrying is my step-brother. (I think the sentence would be better with "Because" deleted.)
Good luck!
XO
Marjorie
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 18-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2010
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Thank you for your suggestions.. I was in the process of fixing most..except to inconspicuously watch is a split infinitive. That was why I changed it when I wrote it...It rolled off my tongue exactly how you suggested, but the grammar guide said NO!
Thanks for the help and the review....Smiles
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Dang! LOL I'm going to have to do some homework on split infinitives. I was probably at home, sick, the day they covered those. LOL Sorry.
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Even when I know it...I forget it! Those darn cobwebs get my thinking all messed up. LOL
Comment from MissMerri
My goodness! This has more twists and turns than Highway 40! I'm so impressed with your ability to tell a suspenseful story with accurate details and a most surprising ending. This was absolutely fun to read and very well written.
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2010
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My goodness! This has more twists and turns than Highway 40! I'm so impressed with your ability to tell a suspenseful story with accurate details and a most surprising ending. This was absolutely fun to read and very well written.
Comment Written 18-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2010
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MIss Merri
Wow...I truly appreciate the descriptive comments. You put a smile on my face for sure. Thank you very much. Carol
Comment from Kaladore
Nice story! I definitely wasn't expecting that twist at the end where her friend is the drug supplier. Great story. The part about the main character's step-brother being the father is somewhat unrealistic, but i guess truth is stranger than fiction some times. Excellent beginning, middle, and end and a great ending. Good job.
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2010
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Nice story! I definitely wasn't expecting that twist at the end where her friend is the drug supplier. Great story. The part about the main character's step-brother being the father is somewhat unrealistic, but i guess truth is stranger than fiction some times. Excellent beginning, middle, and end and a great ending. Good job.
Comment Written 17-Jan-2010
reply by the author on 17-Jan-2010
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Kaladore
Thank you for your review and comments. i appreciate them very much. Smiles to you...