The Boy Toy
A love story.29 total reviews
Comment from Annmuma
Interesting --- ;but I want more. Can this be the first chapter of a novel? I like the characters and you set the scene well, but I was a little disappointed with the ending ... unless it is the ending of the 1st chapter?????? Your talent is expanding in other areas -- I hope you follow it. ann
Saw one small possible spag: I think the French pronunciation and spelling for Henry is Henri, rather than Hendi?
ann
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2023
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Interesting --- ;but I want more. Can this be the first chapter of a novel? I like the characters and you set the scene well, but I was a little disappointed with the ending ... unless it is the ending of the 1st chapter?????? Your talent is expanding in other areas -- I hope you follow it. ann
Saw one small possible spag: I think the French pronunciation and spelling for Henry is Henri, rather than Hendi?
ann
Comment Written 05-Nov-2023
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2023
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Ann, thank you for the six-star review and your kind words. I don't expect to take it any further. You know Hendi was from Gun Barrel, so that is what he came up with. LOL! Terry.
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No, I did not know Hendi of Gun Barrell City! Sorry about that. ann
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I did change everything to Henri.
Comment from BethShelby
I enjoyed reading your story. It is well developed and fun to read. I think the fact this New York reporter was looking for spicy story to write about is pretty typical. Sex sells. She was hoping the boy toy and been passed down from mother to daughter. Ashley was interested in people seeming him as more than a gigolo. I'm not sure if the reason Ashley had never married was meant to imply she was a lesbian. Was Staci just looking for another story or was she suggesting she was willing to become a girl toy? Ashley didn't shoot the idea down.
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2023
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I enjoyed reading your story. It is well developed and fun to read. I think the fact this New York reporter was looking for spicy story to write about is pretty typical. Sex sells. She was hoping the boy toy and been passed down from mother to daughter. Ashley was interested in people seeming him as more than a gigolo. I'm not sure if the reason Ashley had never married was meant to imply she was a lesbian. Was Staci just looking for another story or was she suggesting she was willing to become a girl toy? Ashley didn't shoot the idea down.
Comment Written 05-Nov-2023
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2023
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Beth, thank you for the great review. I left the ending open so the reader could have some fun with the possibilities. I think Ashley was leaving it open too. Terry.
Comment from rama devi
I love seeing how much you've improved the story, my friend, especially with the added descriptive detail. Great job with action tags but I want to remind you: action tags should have a period, not a comma. Many of the note below pertain to that.
This is well paced and engaging, with a satisfying closing. The characterization is very good. The dialog sounds true to life aside from not using contractions.
Critique notes (mostly comma-related)
Jason's mind wonders how many times he has visited this elegant restaurant,(no comma) and Hendi has greeted him.
Consider rephrasing slightly:
Jason's mind wonders how many times he has visited this elegant restaurant and been greeted by Hendi.
Excellent addition of descriptive detail in the dialog:
"Hendi, I must say I like the new decor, crystal chandeliers, nice old wood floors, and stunning Western art--particularly the two Remingtons and the O'Keeffe. Those colors and fabrics on the tables and chairs are so rich one would think we are in the middle of the oil patch in West Texas."
Put foreign words into italics:
S'il vous plait."
* looking out from the twentieth floor of the highrise building.
I believe high rise is two words.
*
After being seated and Hendi departs, Jason turns to Ashley and remarks,
After being seated and Hendi departing,...
Reverend - check spelling below:
"Reverand Goodman and I've had a meeting of the minds.
Laughing, Staci replies,
Rather than using both a speech tag and an action tag, an action tag suffices.
Staci laughs.
*She turns to Ashley,(PERIOD, NOT COMMA) "And her daughter is no slouch.
*
Smiling broadly, Jason replies, "I know how to pick 'em, don't I.(?)"
Rather than using both a speech tag and an action tag, an action tag suffices.
Jason smiles.
*
Before Jason could(can) speak, Molly arrives with his and Ashley's drinks.
Staci points at Ashley's Mimosa,(PERIOD NOT COMMA) "I'll have one of those."
* Ashley stifled a laugh and took a sip of her Mimosa.
Past tense switch here...switch to present:
Ashley stifles a laugh and takes a sip of her Mimosa.
*
Ashley raises her glass and clinks Stacie's flute,(.) "Yes, the OJ is fresh, but the Dom Perignon is what makes it tasty."
*
Jason chuckles,(.) "Heck no, her mother lived for Ashley.
*
Jason hangs his head,(.) "Okay, you got me there.
*
Ashley starts laughing,(.) "He didn't go anywhere. He lives at the ranch and has an office there too.
* Why haven't you ever married.(?)"
This drew me in and held my full attention. Bravo!
Warmly,
rd
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2023
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I love seeing how much you've improved the story, my friend, especially with the added descriptive detail. Great job with action tags but I want to remind you: action tags should have a period, not a comma. Many of the note below pertain to that.
This is well paced and engaging, with a satisfying closing. The characterization is very good. The dialog sounds true to life aside from not using contractions.
Critique notes (mostly comma-related)
Jason's mind wonders how many times he has visited this elegant restaurant,(no comma) and Hendi has greeted him.
Consider rephrasing slightly:
Jason's mind wonders how many times he has visited this elegant restaurant and been greeted by Hendi.
Excellent addition of descriptive detail in the dialog:
"Hendi, I must say I like the new decor, crystal chandeliers, nice old wood floors, and stunning Western art--particularly the two Remingtons and the O'Keeffe. Those colors and fabrics on the tables and chairs are so rich one would think we are in the middle of the oil patch in West Texas."
Put foreign words into italics:
S'il vous plait."
* looking out from the twentieth floor of the highrise building.
I believe high rise is two words.
*
After being seated and Hendi departs, Jason turns to Ashley and remarks,
After being seated and Hendi departing,...
Reverend - check spelling below:
"Reverand Goodman and I've had a meeting of the minds.
Laughing, Staci replies,
Rather than using both a speech tag and an action tag, an action tag suffices.
Staci laughs.
*She turns to Ashley,(PERIOD, NOT COMMA) "And her daughter is no slouch.
*
Smiling broadly, Jason replies, "I know how to pick 'em, don't I.(?)"
Rather than using both a speech tag and an action tag, an action tag suffices.
Jason smiles.
*
Before Jason could(can) speak, Molly arrives with his and Ashley's drinks.
Staci points at Ashley's Mimosa,(PERIOD NOT COMMA) "I'll have one of those."
* Ashley stifled a laugh and took a sip of her Mimosa.
Past tense switch here...switch to present:
Ashley stifles a laugh and takes a sip of her Mimosa.
*
Ashley raises her glass and clinks Stacie's flute,(.) "Yes, the OJ is fresh, but the Dom Perignon is what makes it tasty."
*
Jason chuckles,(.) "Heck no, her mother lived for Ashley.
*
Jason hangs his head,(.) "Okay, you got me there.
*
Ashley starts laughing,(.) "He didn't go anywhere. He lives at the ranch and has an office there too.
* Why haven't you ever married.(?)"
This drew me in and held my full attention. Bravo!
Warmly,
rd
Comment Written 05-Nov-2023
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2023
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Rama, thank you very much for all the edits. I think the good news is that I kept making the same mistake about the comma and period, and now that I have corrected it so much, I hope I have learned my lesson.
Some of the others I know, but in the editing, I just couldn't see them. Thank you!! Terry.
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Thanks for your gracious response, my friend. Indeed, we learn best by repeating mistakes! Also, you have me to edit, so those are not really an issue, ultimately! Wink wink!
Comment from Tom Horonzy
I am not the guy who regularly will read chapters of books on FS, but seeing it was yours, I ventured forth and was glad I did. It is a grand story with many secret caveats, likely ones personally lived. That's why I find you interesting. And as for the ending ... Ooh-la-la!
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2023
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I am not the guy who regularly will read chapters of books on FS, but seeing it was yours, I ventured forth and was glad I did. It is a grand story with many secret caveats, likely ones personally lived. That's why I find you interesting. And as for the ending ... Ooh-la-la!
Comment Written 05-Nov-2023
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2023
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Tom, thank you for the six stars and the very nice review. Terry.
Comment from Jesse James Doty
Wow, Terry, I am surprised there are no added author's notes at the end of this amazing piece. The title "Boy Toy" leads us to think a certain way about the lead character but in reality, he is in love and does good work for others in need of a rich person's favor. And there is a surprising twist at the end just for added pleasure.
All the important ingredients of a great story.
This smacks of goodwill towards others who are in need. Thanks for sharing a delightful tale about a man who lives his life to the fullest and doesn't complain about anything.
A man to be proud of!
Jesse
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2023
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Wow, Terry, I am surprised there are no added author's notes at the end of this amazing piece. The title "Boy Toy" leads us to think a certain way about the lead character but in reality, he is in love and does good work for others in need of a rich person's favor. And there is a surprising twist at the end just for added pleasure.
All the important ingredients of a great story.
This smacks of goodwill towards others who are in need. Thanks for sharing a delightful tale about a man who lives his life to the fullest and doesn't complain about anything.
A man to be proud of!
Jesse
Comment Written 05-Nov-2023
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2023
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Jesse, thank you very much for your six-star review. I did have some fun with the story. I think I sort of channeled Humpwhistle. Not as good as him of course, but he is one that showed me how to write fiction. Terry.
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Yes, Lee gave much good advice throughout his time on Fan Story.
Take care,
Jesse
Comment from Wayne Fowler
Nicely written. Nice story.
Jason can't help himself. "Mademoiselle, she's a Mademoiselle, Hendi." - He's such a jerk. - I'm not sure who said "He's such a jerk"?
Best wishes.
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2023
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Nicely written. Nice story.
Jason can't help himself. "Mademoiselle, she's a Mademoiselle, Hendi." - He's such a jerk. - I'm not sure who said "He's such a jerk"?
Best wishes.
Comment Written 05-Nov-2023
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2023
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Wayne, thank you for your review, I did go fix the issue you mentioned. Thanks for that information. Terry.
Comment from royowen
I like the way you weave a story, and I like the title, but it's misleading and creates a marshland of intrigue, i think you're going to have fun with this, you've created a great human forum for yourself an open paddock of possibilities, I thought you were pulling away from writing, but you're discovering the drug that it is, beautifully written, blessings Roy
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2023
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I like the way you weave a story, and I like the title, but it's misleading and creates a marshland of intrigue, i think you're going to have fun with this, you've created a great human forum for yourself an open paddock of possibilities, I thought you were pulling away from writing, but you're discovering the drug that it is, beautifully written, blessings Roy
Comment Written 05-Nov-2023
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2023
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Roy, thank you for reading. I think is could be a little misleading, but I think that ole Jason grew as man, given some time and good influences. Terry.
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I hope so
Comment from Navada
What a lively and delicious story with such vividly-drawn characters! I really enjoyed this rollicking story. Two little fixes required - "Reverend" and "Pulitzer" (it's spelled correctly the second time but incorrectly the first time). I love the sense of place and space evident in your character's language choices and particularly enjoyed the cheeky inner commentary observations revealed in italics. Thank you so much for a very entertaining story.
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2023
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What a lively and delicious story with such vividly-drawn characters! I really enjoyed this rollicking story. Two little fixes required - "Reverend" and "Pulitzer" (it's spelled correctly the second time but incorrectly the first time). I love the sense of place and space evident in your character's language choices and particularly enjoyed the cheeky inner commentary observations revealed in italics. Thank you so much for a very entertaining story.
Comment Written 05-Nov-2023
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2023
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Thank you for your review. I did go back and correct the errors you pointed out. Thank you for your input. Terry.
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You're very welcome!
Comment from Karen Cherry Threadgill
This is just marvelous. Can I have one of those Toy Boys for a night? You know why they call them toy boys don't you.? Because they are like Kleenex. Soft, strong, and disposable. Karen
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2023
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This is just marvelous. Can I have one of those Toy Boys for a night? You know why they call them toy boys don't you.? Because they are like Kleenex. Soft, strong, and disposable. Karen
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 05-Nov-2023
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2023
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LOL, Karen, thank you for your very fun review, and for taking the time to read the story. Terry.
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I had a few of them over the years, never paid of course, they were just so grateful.
Always wanted to marry me.
I've seen a lot of engagement rings over the years. I always told them up front I did not want to get married, or live together for more than a weekend. But, most of them, fell in love anyway. I never had much money either. Go figure.
I loved your story, it brought back good memories. Karen
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LOL, back in the day...I do remember some of those days.
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Have a good week. Cherish the fun and good memories. I femember fondly the days when all the body parts worked. haha Karen
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Yep!
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Back in my youth my knees knocked because I was nervous. Know they knock because I am boney. haha Karen