On the Altar of Self-Sacrifice
A Peripatetic Love Story35 total reviews
Comment from K.I. Betancur
Nitpick: "Home..." he mouthed. (You accidentally had a quotation mark here.)
I'll be honest with you: The name of this piece, along with the length, really didn't catch my attention at first. Your opening paragraph, however, did. It felt very "sarcastic," for lack of a better term. The beginning felt like it was narrated by Holden Caulfield, is what I mean to say.
This is a remarkable piece, and I thank you for sharing it. You really nailed the mark here.
reply by the author on 16-Apr-2023
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Nitpick: "Home..." he mouthed. (You accidentally had a quotation mark here.)
I'll be honest with you: The name of this piece, along with the length, really didn't catch my attention at first. Your opening paragraph, however, did. It felt very "sarcastic," for lack of a better term. The beginning felt like it was narrated by Holden Caulfield, is what I mean to say.
This is a remarkable piece, and I thank you for sharing it. You really nailed the mark here.
Comment Written 16-Apr-2023
reply by the author on 16-Apr-2023
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You are so right about the errant quote mark. Thank you for catching that. And, my God! A six star! You da bomb!
Jay
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Not a problem!
Absolutely my pleasure! You did wonderful with this, the story you painted is worthy of accolades.
Comment from GWHARGIS
This was very worth my time. You, my talented friend, managed to put a really good, deeply messaged movie into a longer than normal short story. I liked the vagueness of Robin's character. We really only see him for a few lines. Then we see him through Lena and hear about him through his sister. It was sad but realistic. She won't be heartbroken for the rest of her life, things will go on. But she will be altered by his death. Very well written. Gretchen
reply by the author on 16-Apr-2023
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This was very worth my time. You, my talented friend, managed to put a really good, deeply messaged movie into a longer than normal short story. I liked the vagueness of Robin's character. We really only see him for a few lines. Then we see him through Lena and hear about him through his sister. It was sad but realistic. She won't be heartbroken for the rest of her life, things will go on. But she will be altered by his death. Very well written. Gretchen
Comment Written 16-Apr-2023
reply by the author on 16-Apr-2023
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Awwww, Gretchen, bless you to the end. I have such respect for your storytelling, so to know that you were moved by my characters means a lot to me. Thank you for your kind words and the six lovely stars.
Comment from Carol Hillebrenner
This is a true love story, even if the love grew slowly. They had become more to each other than he expected, or she knew. I am not fond of sad endings, so I don't write love stories, but this was very good. I am glad you did it all in one posting as it would have been hard to get back into it if in pieces.
reply by the author on 16-Apr-2023
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This is a true love story, even if the love grew slowly. They had become more to each other than he expected, or she knew. I am not fond of sad endings, so I don't write love stories, but this was very good. I am glad you did it all in one posting as it would have been hard to get back into it if in pieces.
Comment Written 16-Apr-2023
reply by the author on 16-Apr-2023
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Thank you, Carol. For the six and for validating what I felt about posting it all at once. It's costing me in number of reviews. But those who did review it, or most of them, enjoyed it.
Jay
Comment from Shirley McLain
I liked your love story, and it was well written. I did find one line that didn't make sense to me in the beginning paragraph, I think. (As Hollywood is wont to say). Have a great evening. Shirley
reply by the author on 16-Apr-2023
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I liked your love story, and it was well written. I did find one line that didn't make sense to me in the beginning paragraph, I think. (As Hollywood is wont to say). Have a great evening. Shirley
Comment Written 16-Apr-2023
reply by the author on 16-Apr-2023
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Is it the word "wont"? I didn't have to use it, but it seemed to fit the narrative. It's an older word meaning accustomed. I do thank you for reading it, Shirley
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It just doesn't sound like it fits to me. I'm not sure the old word goes with the rest of your narrative. Shirley
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I'm certainly going to think about it now, Shirley.
Comment from Olivanne Marsh
The story, albeit a bit predictable, is interesting and the writing is excellent. I found the beginning, preface or prologue (I don't know which you intended) a bit unnecessary and distracting, as if you were creating an article dealing with films that tell a certain kind of love story.
I felt the same about the references in the story to the movie, "Love Story," and the intermittent discussions of camera work and other film making techniques. I was never sure what your intent was with them or what their purpose was in the narrative...it was as if you were trying to tell me something about the story, but I couldn't figure out what. Also, it didn't help that I hated "Love Story." and the comparisons just continued to remind me of how much. So there's that. It was original and creative way to describe some of the action in the story and add depth, but it was as if you didn't think the story could engage the reader on it's own and needed a frame of reference in film. Or perhaps this was an example of of a true fan story that was created to resemble a certain film script and you needed sometimes to include things like direction and camera work to make it whole. I find you a highly skilled writer, I think you can tell an engaging story without the film references. I can acknowledge it might be me (as a reader) but it was distracting to be trying to figure out exactly what you were trying to tell me with the film references.
Also, I found the interactions between Lena and Maretta a bit over the top at times...almost as if the two of them were attracted to one another and possibly falling in love...I thought for a little while that was where you might be headed. Did you intend that? If not, maybe you need to pull back a bit on the touching and physical interactions between the two. Did anyone else comment on that?
I can't honestly say I liked this one as much as some of the other things you've written, but I admire your writing. Maybe just not my cup of tea.
reply by the author on 16-Apr-2023
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The story, albeit a bit predictable, is interesting and the writing is excellent. I found the beginning, preface or prologue (I don't know which you intended) a bit unnecessary and distracting, as if you were creating an article dealing with films that tell a certain kind of love story.
I felt the same about the references in the story to the movie, "Love Story," and the intermittent discussions of camera work and other film making techniques. I was never sure what your intent was with them or what their purpose was in the narrative...it was as if you were trying to tell me something about the story, but I couldn't figure out what. Also, it didn't help that I hated "Love Story." and the comparisons just continued to remind me of how much. So there's that. It was original and creative way to describe some of the action in the story and add depth, but it was as if you didn't think the story could engage the reader on it's own and needed a frame of reference in film. Or perhaps this was an example of of a true fan story that was created to resemble a certain film script and you needed sometimes to include things like direction and camera work to make it whole. I find you a highly skilled writer, I think you can tell an engaging story without the film references. I can acknowledge it might be me (as a reader) but it was distracting to be trying to figure out exactly what you were trying to tell me with the film references.
Also, I found the interactions between Lena and Maretta a bit over the top at times...almost as if the two of them were attracted to one another and possibly falling in love...I thought for a little while that was where you might be headed. Did you intend that? If not, maybe you need to pull back a bit on the touching and physical interactions between the two. Did anyone else comment on that?
I can't honestly say I liked this one as much as some of the other things you've written, but I admire your writing. Maybe just not my cup of tea.
Comment Written 16-Apr-2023
reply by the author on 16-Apr-2023
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Lena definitely loved Maretta and I'd hoped it would add some inner tension to Lena's situation. Admittedly I was experimenting with the camera-work. I rather enjoyed it, but I can understand that you'd find it distracting. You weren't the first to mention that. Thank you, Olivanne, for investing so much time in reading then commenting in such depth. You are appreciated.
Jay
Comment from Sally Law
Oh my goodness, this takes tear jerker to a whole new level. My life, Jay. Crying here! Tissues aplenty! Love Story has nothing on this. Marvelous work, your best romantic story ever if not your best work. Bravo, my friend!
Not enough stars on the universe for this one!
Blessings,
Sal XOs
reply by the author on 16-Apr-2023
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Oh my goodness, this takes tear jerker to a whole new level. My life, Jay. Crying here! Tissues aplenty! Love Story has nothing on this. Marvelous work, your best romantic story ever if not your best work. Bravo, my friend!
Not enough stars on the universe for this one!
Blessings,
Sal XOs
Comment Written 16-Apr-2023
reply by the author on 16-Apr-2023
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Oh, wow! What a sweet thing to say. I have more stories to post. I hope I haven't peaked! LOL. I'm gratified to have you reading my posts!
Jay
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Most welcome! My pleasure as always. Sal :))
Comment from Frank Malley
It was a long chapter to read. Although the author's skill in sentence design and description helped it along, I think that some of the length created by the use of adjective and adverbial clauses and phrases could be eliminated by hints within dialogue and monologue that suggest the story's evolving reality without so much descriptive digression. This is a bery subtle point of writing technique, and I'm not sure it has a simple answer. Most creative writing professors I worked with did not mention this aspect of writing, the means to say as much with fewer words. (See Hemingway on writing, of course!)
As a related afterthought, I think as an example of narrative trimming that you don't really need "..she stepped off the pavement..." Wouldn't 'Now barefoot, she stepped into the cool sand' do the job?
reply by the author on 16-Apr-2023
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It was a long chapter to read. Although the author's skill in sentence design and description helped it along, I think that some of the length created by the use of adjective and adverbial clauses and phrases could be eliminated by hints within dialogue and monologue that suggest the story's evolving reality without so much descriptive digression. This is a bery subtle point of writing technique, and I'm not sure it has a simple answer. Most creative writing professors I worked with did not mention this aspect of writing, the means to say as much with fewer words. (See Hemingway on writing, of course!)
As a related afterthought, I think as an example of narrative trimming that you don't really need "..she stepped off the pavement..." Wouldn't 'Now barefoot, she stepped into the cool sand' do the job?
Comment Written 16-Apr-2023
reply by the author on 16-Apr-2023
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Thank you, Frank. If I'd had you as a professor back when I was more creatively pliant, I'm sure you'd have convinced me to create more along those lines. But you'd have your work cut out for you. A Hemingway, I'd never be. With what you said, though, I certainly feel gifted by the six! LOL.
Jay
Comment from barbara.wilkey
This is one of your best posts ever!!! I absolutely loved this. It touched my soul. I couldn't have stopped reading if I wanted to. WOW!!!!!
The next day she began the proceedings for the annulment. (The following day)
reply by the author on 16-Apr-2023
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This is one of your best posts ever!!! I absolutely loved this. It touched my soul. I couldn't have stopped reading if I wanted to. WOW!!!!!
The next day she began the proceedings for the annulment. (The following day)
Comment Written 16-Apr-2023
reply by the author on 16-Apr-2023
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The following day has a better ring to it. It's been changed. Thank you for the close read. To move the Queen of Romance ... well, I am touched. Thank you, thank you! And for the lovely sixer!
Comment from Mary Shifman
This an excellent story and I hung on every word. I like the story very much. By the way, I hated Love Story. It seemed overly soppy and that line about "Love means you never have to say you're sorry," is ridiculous. I like your line about cowardice much better. My only problem with this story is that this is a character driven story, yet your characters seem one dimensional. They just seem to walk through their lives as if is nothing more than a script with no motivation of their own. None of them have any personality. Robin is totally uninteresting. Why would Lena even think of marrying someone like him, when she's at least bisexual and would prefer Maretta? Why does Maretta insist that Lena marry her brother? Is it a tactic to stay close to Lena? When I read a story, I want to immerse myself in--to get lost in the characters and their lives. I wanted to know what happened in the end, but I really didn't care what happened to any of them. I just think your story needs to be longer with enough character development to let us know who these people are and what motivates them. I like your style and the movie aspect of it. I'm not sure that you even need all that before the beginning of the story. It sounds like author's notes to me and the story works fine without it. I've thought a lot about this and debated on whether or not to send it. I truly don't mean to offend. Your story has a lot going for it. Feel free to blast me, if you want.
reply by the author on 16-Apr-2023
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This an excellent story and I hung on every word. I like the story very much. By the way, I hated Love Story. It seemed overly soppy and that line about "Love means you never have to say you're sorry," is ridiculous. I like your line about cowardice much better. My only problem with this story is that this is a character driven story, yet your characters seem one dimensional. They just seem to walk through their lives as if is nothing more than a script with no motivation of their own. None of them have any personality. Robin is totally uninteresting. Why would Lena even think of marrying someone like him, when she's at least bisexual and would prefer Maretta? Why does Maretta insist that Lena marry her brother? Is it a tactic to stay close to Lena? When I read a story, I want to immerse myself in--to get lost in the characters and their lives. I wanted to know what happened in the end, but I really didn't care what happened to any of them. I just think your story needs to be longer with enough character development to let us know who these people are and what motivates them. I like your style and the movie aspect of it. I'm not sure that you even need all that before the beginning of the story. It sounds like author's notes to me and the story works fine without it. I've thought a lot about this and debated on whether or not to send it. I truly don't mean to offend. Your story has a lot going for it. Feel free to blast me, if you want.
Comment Written 16-Apr-2023
reply by the author on 16-Apr-2023
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Blast you?! Whaaaaat!? No, no, I thank you for being forthright with me about your feelings. Mine is definitely nothing if not a feeling piece. Clearly, my focus was on one character, Lena. Robin and Maretta, to my way of thinking, were more like stage props to further deepen the reader's experience with the very sad, circumstance-developed Lena. I'm glad you saw the incipient, unfulfilled love of Lena for Maretta. The "triangle" was, I had hoped, the element of classical tragedy for the story's theme.
No, dear Mary, you gave me just what I needed to hear. Your honesty is refreshing!
Jay
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I'm so glad. I often worry that I've crossed a line, but when it comes to writing, I feel compelled to be honest and hopefully helpful.
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I am always happiest, foremost, to know that someone has actually finished reading a piece like this that is quite long, and not just skimmed through it. Then to know you read it with your brain intact, and the creative antenna whirling about ... wow! I am ecstatic.
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I used to tell my students that writers choose their words with deliberation to express exactly what they want to convey to the reader it's cavalier and disrespectful to think you can really understand a story by skimming. I believe that. I also had no trouble reading yours. I just had to wait until I had time to sit down and give it the attention it deserved.
Comment from Pam Lonsdale
Pretty much one sentence makes up the entire first paragraph - that moves the reader quickly into the story and into the second paragraph and beyond.
I like how life imitates art, in the form of movies here. Weaving your story in and out of those scenes and lines we know from Hollywood.
I like, "Cowardice was never allowing yourself to say you're sorry." I always thought the line in the movie was incredibly stupid.
To me, this is an enjoyable read, but it is not a "short story" - it is a novel. I like how the beginning is the end, which you do return to in the end. But in between it's too hurried. Maretta seems like a complicated woman - wanting so much for her brother but apparently not for herself, given her choice of husband. And what's with her hold on Lena? There's more there.
I assume that love did come for Lena, but how? Robin seemed like such a distant person and he would be hard for me to love. I know there are people in this world who are so shy that they literally can't show us their feelings - I have a son like that. So why does Lena fall for him.
I like the last scene . . . does she go to the ocean to baptize her spirit and begin again, or does she seek the same ending as Robin - death. I like that we have to decide that.
I think this is a great piece of writing, but I don't think it's complete. I hope you will expand on it and give us more to love about it.
Pam
reply by the author on 16-Apr-2023
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Pretty much one sentence makes up the entire first paragraph - that moves the reader quickly into the story and into the second paragraph and beyond.
I like how life imitates art, in the form of movies here. Weaving your story in and out of those scenes and lines we know from Hollywood.
I like, "Cowardice was never allowing yourself to say you're sorry." I always thought the line in the movie was incredibly stupid.
To me, this is an enjoyable read, but it is not a "short story" - it is a novel. I like how the beginning is the end, which you do return to in the end. But in between it's too hurried. Maretta seems like a complicated woman - wanting so much for her brother but apparently not for herself, given her choice of husband. And what's with her hold on Lena? There's more there.
I assume that love did come for Lena, but how? Robin seemed like such a distant person and he would be hard for me to love. I know there are people in this world who are so shy that they literally can't show us their feelings - I have a son like that. So why does Lena fall for him.
I like the last scene . . . does she go to the ocean to baptize her spirit and begin again, or does she seek the same ending as Robin - death. I like that we have to decide that.
I think this is a great piece of writing, but I don't think it's complete. I hope you will expand on it and give us more to love about it.
Pam
Comment Written 16-Apr-2023
reply by the author on 16-Apr-2023
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Pam, this is the most comprehensive and erudite, and in that sense, valuable review any writer could possibly hope for. You read my story with your mind wide open to possibility, and I appreciate it.
You might be right that several characters could be developed more. This is clearly Lena's story, however, and in a lesser way Robin's. Lena's true "love" was Maretta. I wanted that to linger in the reader's mind but be in the background of the plot. In another version of my story, I included Lena's long text message to Maretta, composed in the ocean parking lot but never sent. It included Lena's strongest allusion to her love. I'd like to say that I decided not to use that portion owing to the imbalance it threw into the characters' development ... but the truth is, I can't find it. (It's in a folder somewhere on my computer's desktop. But it might as well be in the Sahara.
At any rate, Pam, your review is priceless. I am pasting it in my open file for future reference.
Thank you for gifting me your time in reading my story and really thinking about it critically. That means the world to me.
Jay
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Aha! I knew there was something between the two women! The hand holding, the influence over Lena, the conversations . . .
I hope you find that text as it would really add to this. Glad I could help.
It really was an enjoyable and engaging read.
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Your words make writing worthwhile!