Last Call
The HotHouse Bar, part three of four.29 total reviews
Comment from Susan Newell
Terry,
I am a little disappointed in this one. You do a lot of telling and the dialogue gets very confusing with so many potential speakers who could be interjecting comments. It reads as though you were rushed in writing it and focused more on being clever than on the writing part. I know you are capable of editing this into shape and making it more intelligible and easy to understand.
Sue
Evelyn and Ann came into the bar before the guys. Evelyn says, "I got to text Stan and Shari and tell them I am not coming home to fix dinner. I want them to go to Handsome Dan's Bar and Buffet in Garland; nobody knows me over there." -- The first sentence should be appended to the previous paragraph and you should add some asterisks before switching to the present tense.
well-worn bar seats as Jennifer sits their Jack Daniel single barrel bourbon in front of them. ==> sets their Jack (sit doesn't take an object; set requires one--much like lie and lay). Also ==> Jack Daniel's
"When did you see his jib?"
"How bad was it cut?" --not clear who is speaking
Last few years, Jennifer felt all she was doing was swimming in the sea of life. ==> For the last few years,
"It's definitely singing my song." --who is speaking?
"I think so; I know I kept saying Bingo all night and twice this morning."
"Ann, you know the band is leaving town in three weeks." --Need to identify speakers.
"A Jenny is a female Jackass, don't be one." -- Shouldn't she say, "don't be a male one?
In the twelve years, I have worked at the HotHouse, --comma after years is extraneous
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2022
   |
Terry,
I am a little disappointed in this one. You do a lot of telling and the dialogue gets very confusing with so many potential speakers who could be interjecting comments. It reads as though you were rushed in writing it and focused more on being clever than on the writing part. I know you are capable of editing this into shape and making it more intelligible and easy to understand.
Sue
Evelyn and Ann came into the bar before the guys. Evelyn says, "I got to text Stan and Shari and tell them I am not coming home to fix dinner. I want them to go to Handsome Dan's Bar and Buffet in Garland; nobody knows me over there." -- The first sentence should be appended to the previous paragraph and you should add some asterisks before switching to the present tense.
well-worn bar seats as Jennifer sits their Jack Daniel single barrel bourbon in front of them. ==> sets their Jack (sit doesn't take an object; set requires one--much like lie and lay). Also ==> Jack Daniel's
"When did you see his jib?"
"How bad was it cut?" --not clear who is speaking
Last few years, Jennifer felt all she was doing was swimming in the sea of life. ==> For the last few years,
"It's definitely singing my song." --who is speaking?
"I think so; I know I kept saying Bingo all night and twice this morning."
"Ann, you know the band is leaving town in three weeks." --Need to identify speakers.
"A Jenny is a female Jackass, don't be one." -- Shouldn't she say, "don't be a male one?
In the twelve years, I have worked at the HotHouse, --comma after years is extraneous
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 30-Oct-2022
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2022
-
Whatever
-
I can stop reviewing if that's what you want.
-
Good idea, thanks
Comment from GWHARGIS
I like a couple of the same writers she does. The Husband, wife and Shari thing is funny but freaks me out. These are some great characters. Each individual and strongly written. Some you could tag the speech tags away and I'd know exactly who is talking. Wondering how this will conclude. Great job on this story. Gretchen
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2022
|
I like a couple of the same writers she does. The Husband, wife and Shari thing is funny but freaks me out. These are some great characters. Each individual and strongly written. Some you could tag the speech tags away and I'd know exactly who is talking. Wondering how this will conclude. Great job on this story. Gretchen
Comment Written 30-Oct-2022
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2022
-
Gretchen. Thank you for reading and for your comments. The final part will be posted Tuesday. The speech tags are interesting. I have had some complaints about too many. So, I used fewer, and in doing so I knew it was not clear who said what, but I thought it really didn't make any difference who said a one-liner in a bar sitting. I do take your suggestion seriously and will keep it in mind. Terry.
-
You misunderstood me. I wasn't telling you that there were too many. I was complimenting you on making your characters so vivid. That's what I was saying. Silly boy.
-
LOL, I guess I was expecting someone to criticize me. Terry.
Comment from evilynne
Again, your story is well written and the characters very interesting. We're waiting to see were the conclusion takes us. It's a sobering thought (sorry, I couldn't help myself). Evi
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2022
 |
Again, your story is well written and the characters very interesting. We're waiting to see were the conclusion takes us. It's a sobering thought (sorry, I couldn't help myself). Evi
Comment Written 30-Oct-2022
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2022
-
Evi, LOL, thank you for the sobering thought and the six stars! The final will be posted Tuesday. Thank you for reading. Terry.
Comment from Tom Horonzy
While being a hoot I need to ask, though fictitious in life were these events a part of your dreamworld? A carouser of infamous taste plying the shallows, moving only ahead, never looking aft, breaking navigation rules only when necessary. I can see you doing so. Good read.
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2022
|
While being a hoot I need to ask, though fictitious in life were these events a part of your dreamworld? A carouser of infamous taste plying the shallows, moving only ahead, never looking aft, breaking navigation rules only when necessary. I can see you doing so. Good read.
Comment Written 30-Oct-2022
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2022
-
Tom, thank you for reading. The only element of truth is the chicken sandwich which is a real deal at the State Fair. Terry.
Comment from Wendy G
A fine follow-on from your previous ones. Seems Jennifer may change her tune in the next chapter. Sounds interesting.
Typos: bartender's: should be bartenders (plural, not possessive)
opps: should be oops, I think.
Wendy
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2022
|
A fine follow-on from your previous ones. Seems Jennifer may change her tune in the next chapter. Sounds interesting.
Typos: bartender's: should be bartenders (plural, not possessive)
opps: should be oops, I think.
Wendy
Comment Written 30-Oct-2022
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2022
-
Wendy, thank you for reading and catching the edits. You are right about Oops, I actually thought about when I was in bed last night but was too lazy to get up and change it. Terry.
Comment from Katherine M. (k-11)
This is a great episode to your novella or long short. Well-written well-edited and engaging. I adore the way Jennifer seems to have capitulated - love will conquer all. How much is she influenced by the fact that it's transient? Kate xx
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2022
|
This is a great episode to your novella or long short. Well-written well-edited and engaging. I adore the way Jennifer seems to have capitulated - love will conquer all. How much is she influenced by the fact that it's transient? Kate xx
Comment Written 30-Oct-2022
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2022
-
Kate, thank you for the six stars, and for the kind review. The final will be posted on Tuesday. Terry.
Comment from Malcolm Rothery
Easy to read perfect writing, and great, fun dialogue. The only problem - it's too short! You deserve to be in print my friend. I am currently reading a Jack Reacher novel (61 Hours). Your writing style (and ability) are very no different to Lee Child's. I look forward to the conclusion.
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2022
|
Easy to read perfect writing, and great, fun dialogue. The only problem - it's too short! You deserve to be in print my friend. I am currently reading a Jack Reacher novel (61 Hours). Your writing style (and ability) are very no different to Lee Child's. I look forward to the conclusion.
Comment Written 30-Oct-2022
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2022
-
Malcolm, thank you for the six stars! I also read the Lee Child book; I have enjoyed all of his Reacher stories. Thank you for reading, the final on this story will be posted Tuesday. Terry.
Comment from Ricky1024
"Last Call"
This was well written rich in Theme and Imagery.
It also, read well and flowed well with no Grammar Issues.
...
The Adjective and Objective Contents were both Excellent and Exceptional while Descriptive Measures Aligned Perfectly.
Doctor Ricky 1024
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2022
|
"Last Call"
This was well written rich in Theme and Imagery.
It also, read well and flowed well with no Grammar Issues.
...
The Adjective and Objective Contents were both Excellent and Exceptional while Descriptive Measures Aligned Perfectly.
Doctor Ricky 1024
Comment Written 30-Oct-2022
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2022
-
Doctor Ricky, thank you very much for the kind words and for reading my story. Terry.
Comment from Jesse James Doty
This story is entertaining as far as a bartending tale could go yet I long for some other place like a class or a library setting. I found a few typos such as in the beginning when you mention the previous chapters you say the when you probably ought to say this yet this is trivial and doesn't matter too much in the long run. I wish you would get out of the bar and into other parts of the town or city. But I enjoyed this ditty and encourage you to keep writing!
Jesse
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2022
|
This story is entertaining as far as a bartending tale could go yet I long for some other place like a class or a library setting. I found a few typos such as in the beginning when you mention the previous chapters you say the when you probably ought to say this yet this is trivial and doesn't matter too much in the long run. I wish you would get out of the bar and into other parts of the town or city. But I enjoyed this ditty and encourage you to keep writing!
Jesse
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 30-Oct-2022
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2022
-
Thank you for reading. Sorry Jesse, nothing in the library interests me. Terry.
-
Bars aren't the only place that is cool. There are plenty of places that writers go including libraries and classrooms, etcetera.
Jesse