Lips
Invitation to a Retirement Party42 total reviews
Comment from lyenochka
I'll take your warning seriously and won't watch the video as I don't typically read horror posts. You did a great job with the character development as Jeffrey seems really creepy and Gretchen seems rather obsessed with her vlogging more than her safety. It's pretty awful that this kind of thing can be filmed and shared with thousands of viewers.
I'm sure you'll do well in the contest!
Questions:
over a two-decades span (two-decade span?) like five-year plan
"... But you're [a] professional, Gretchen. (not sure if you meant the noun or the adjective)
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2021
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I'll take your warning seriously and won't watch the video as I don't typically read horror posts. You did a great job with the character development as Jeffrey seems really creepy and Gretchen seems rather obsessed with her vlogging more than her safety. It's pretty awful that this kind of thing can be filmed and shared with thousands of viewers.
I'm sure you'll do well in the contest!
Questions:
over a two-decades span (two-decade span?) like five-year plan
"... But you're [a] professional, Gretchen. (not sure if you meant the noun or the adjective)
Comment Written 25-Oct-2021
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2021
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Thanks, Helen. I appreciate your taking the time on this piece and for your kind words. Especially, I appreciate your head's up about your two suggestions: the first I changed (much obliged!); the second I left. It is a toss-up, noun or adjective.
Again ... blessings to you, and a thousand thank-yous.
Jay
Comment from Soledadpaz
Made me think of Jeffrey Dahmer. Too spooky for words. Didn't expect her to be the aggressor, though she's just as much an opportunist as he apparently was. Out for what they want no matter who gets hurt.
Engrossing story. Couldn't look away.
Sol
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2021
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Made me think of Jeffrey Dahmer. Too spooky for words. Didn't expect her to be the aggressor, though she's just as much an opportunist as he apparently was. Out for what they want no matter who gets hurt.
Engrossing story. Couldn't look away.
Sol
Comment Written 25-Oct-2021
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2021
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Many, many thanks, Sol, not just for the six stars, but for your kind words. Yes, Jeffrey Dahmer. I hadn't thought of him when I chose that name, but there is definitely a ghastly connection, isn't there? BTW, since your review of my tale, I've included a video in the author notes. You may want to check it out.
Comment from RPSaxena
Hello Jay Squires,
Nice piece of Horror and Thriller Fiction in the form of a Halloween Story having impressive phraseology with lively imagery at some places, captivating flow almost throughout from the beginning to the end highlighting the LIPS which create live effect on the reader's mind and heart.
Picture enhances depth of the story.
Interesting Indeed!
BEST OF LUCK in the contest.
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2021
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Hello Jay Squires,
Nice piece of Horror and Thriller Fiction in the form of a Halloween Story having impressive phraseology with lively imagery at some places, captivating flow almost throughout from the beginning to the end highlighting the LIPS which create live effect on the reader's mind and heart.
Picture enhances depth of the story.
Interesting Indeed!
BEST OF LUCK in the contest.
Comment Written 24-Oct-2021
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2021
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Thank you, RP. Your kind words are always a welcome sight to me. I'm so happy you found the story entertaining.
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Jay Squires, Most Welcome!
With best wishes,
~ RP
Comment from Mary Shifman
All I can say is: Swear! Swear! Swear! These stories that leave your hanging drive me nuts. This is an intriguing, fascinating story that keeps one on edge throughout, while we wait for the ax to fall, and then it does and it isn't a period but a comma! It's leaves me wanting to know the answer to all the questions asked in the story. It's very well written, tantalizing even but I can't help but want more. Well done.
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2021
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All I can say is: Swear! Swear! Swear! These stories that leave your hanging drive me nuts. This is an intriguing, fascinating story that keeps one on edge throughout, while we wait for the ax to fall, and then it does and it isn't a period but a comma! It's leaves me wanting to know the answer to all the questions asked in the story. It's very well written, tantalizing even but I can't help but want more. Well done.
Comment Written 24-Oct-2021
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2021
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Awwww, sorry, Mary, if my language was offensive. I'm glad that you got past that. I was trying to develop a street-savy young lady who used her F-bombs, and her rough-hewn demeanor to gain power over very real challenges. I DO appreciate your kind words, though. I'm happy the piece resonated with you.
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The swear bit was only because the story ended, not because I was offended. I was being funny. I think it's a great story and would read more of it if available.
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You may be interested in an article I wrote for Medium publication that goes into detail about Jaime Osuna, the brutal murderer from my home town and the Corcoran Prison that now houses him. It was his Jailhouse interview that sparked by interest in "Lips", and a year ago, inspired the article I'm linking for you here: https://tinyurl.com/2mxtc3vn (You'll have to paste it to your browser.)
BTW, I decided, after I wrote "Lips" to include the Jailhouse interview in the author's notes. It's a tad gruesome.
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I'm sure it would be. The thing that interests me about cases like this is not so much the details of what the did, but why they did it. Thank you for the information and I will look it up. I've never heard of this case before.
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I read your article. Very interesting and well written. I'll have to say, those guards were as bad or worse than those they were supposed to be guarding.
Comment from LJbutterfly
OMG! Wow! What a compelling story, that captures the reader's attention with the very first question, "Do you find me attractive?" I must admit, as a writer of only a couple of years, I read and re-read some of your long legato phrasing, and examined the way you delve into and examine human nature. In this story, two characters with equally strong egos, confront each other. I wanted Gretchen to ultimately be the victor, but I also wanted her to feel she had underestimated her opponent and could become his next conquest. This is quite the innovative Halloween story. Best wishes in the contest.
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2021
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OMG! Wow! What a compelling story, that captures the reader's attention with the very first question, "Do you find me attractive?" I must admit, as a writer of only a couple of years, I read and re-read some of your long legato phrasing, and examined the way you delve into and examine human nature. In this story, two characters with equally strong egos, confront each other. I wanted Gretchen to ultimately be the victor, but I also wanted her to feel she had underestimated her opponent and could become his next conquest. This is quite the innovative Halloween story. Best wishes in the contest.
Comment Written 24-Oct-2021
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2021
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Thank you, Lorraine for your kind words. It's humbling to think that someone would use something I'd written to help her develop her own writing. (If you haven't read Phill Doran here, you've got so much to learn from him.) You wanted Gretchen and Jeffrey to be "rewarded" to the extent of the underlying motives to their behavior. I hope you felt that both got their "just rewards".
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Thank you for your referral to Phill Doran. I just read "Stardust," and in my review advised Phill of your referral. I now have two writers to watch.
Comment from Judy Lawless
Wow, it's hard to find the words to describe what I felt reading this story, Jay. Your writing superbly draws us into it, making us wonder if Gretchen will be drawn in by him, and then in the end, she's the one who ends his career of killings. An exceptional Halloween Story. Good luck in the contest, although I doubt you need it.
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2021
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Wow, it's hard to find the words to describe what I felt reading this story, Jay. Your writing superbly draws us into it, making us wonder if Gretchen will be drawn in by him, and then in the end, she's the one who ends his career of killings. An exceptional Halloween Story. Good luck in the contest, although I doubt you need it.
Comment Written 24-Oct-2021
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2021
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Judy, thanks for your kindness and for the lovely 6 star rating. I'm happy you found it worthwhile reading, and that both characters received their just rewards.
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You?re welcome, Jay. I just went back to watch the video. This guy is unbelievable! Except for the tattoos, he doesn?t really look like an evil man. So may why?s about the story. Thanks.
Comment from Father Flaps
Hi Jay,
I wondered how you'd follow up Cornelius. Well, you did an extra fine job with this serial killer.
What a terrific opening line,
"Do you find me attractive, Gretchen?"
"Conjuring up all the disgust she could (summons), she glanced into camera two." ......(summon)
"Excuse me," he said. "But ... Gretchen! Do they allow you to be such a-a potty-mouth on this show? Besides, hh-how can you let a word like that pass through that beautiful ... pouting, pink blossom of a mouth?" ... (if nothing else, this speech should have been a clue to Gretchen that she was in mortal danger. Jeffrey hadn't accepted her invitation because he wanted to be interviewed for her public. His only goal was victim #103, and another set of "pouting, pink" lips. And she is upsetting him. Serial killers walk a tight rope. The least sway, and they'll fall. She is rolling her eyes, and using foul language. If he wasn't entertaining her death before, he certainly is now.
Gretchen seems increasingly impatient. "Jeffrey, if you don't answer my fucking question--and I mean right now!--I'm going to shut this down--do you hear me?--grab my fucking cameras and get the hell out of here." She waited. "Well, Jeffrey?"
Jeffrey isn't accustomed to having one of his victims hurrying him... demanding... swearing... threatening. He won't take much more of Gretchen's abuse.
Clue #2: Suddenly, he laughed and threw up his hands. "But checkout isn't until noon tomorrow. What a shame to waste this room?"
If Gretchen was as smart as her potty mouth, she'd bolt for the door right then. But she is so full of herself ... actually, like Jeffrey. They thrive on their... "careers"? So much so, that they exclude the danger.
"I want you all for myself, Jeffrey. Do you know that before this night is over, your name will be on the lips of millions of Americans? And mine will be the most-watched vodcast in the entire world?"
I like this line, showing his focus now is strictly on her lips...
"We do need each other, don't we?" he said to her mouth.
Wow! That's quite an ending. Or is it the end? A serial killer is a professional, too. I can picture him grabbing her foot the next time she goes to kick him. She might be seconds from death, seconds from never using her lips again to utter the "F" word.
Jeffrey isn't your typical Halloween monster, but a monster all the same, claiming innocent (and not-so-innocent) victims.
Nicely penned, Jay! Good Luck in the contest! It should do very well.
Cheers,
Kimbob
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2021
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Hi Jay,
I wondered how you'd follow up Cornelius. Well, you did an extra fine job with this serial killer.
What a terrific opening line,
"Do you find me attractive, Gretchen?"
"Conjuring up all the disgust she could (summons), she glanced into camera two." ......(summon)
"Excuse me," he said. "But ... Gretchen! Do they allow you to be such a-a potty-mouth on this show? Besides, hh-how can you let a word like that pass through that beautiful ... pouting, pink blossom of a mouth?" ... (if nothing else, this speech should have been a clue to Gretchen that she was in mortal danger. Jeffrey hadn't accepted her invitation because he wanted to be interviewed for her public. His only goal was victim #103, and another set of "pouting, pink" lips. And she is upsetting him. Serial killers walk a tight rope. The least sway, and they'll fall. She is rolling her eyes, and using foul language. If he wasn't entertaining her death before, he certainly is now.
Gretchen seems increasingly impatient. "Jeffrey, if you don't answer my fucking question--and I mean right now!--I'm going to shut this down--do you hear me?--grab my fucking cameras and get the hell out of here." She waited. "Well, Jeffrey?"
Jeffrey isn't accustomed to having one of his victims hurrying him... demanding... swearing... threatening. He won't take much more of Gretchen's abuse.
Clue #2: Suddenly, he laughed and threw up his hands. "But checkout isn't until noon tomorrow. What a shame to waste this room?"
If Gretchen was as smart as her potty mouth, she'd bolt for the door right then. But she is so full of herself ... actually, like Jeffrey. They thrive on their... "careers"? So much so, that they exclude the danger.
"I want you all for myself, Jeffrey. Do you know that before this night is over, your name will be on the lips of millions of Americans? And mine will be the most-watched vodcast in the entire world?"
I like this line, showing his focus now is strictly on her lips...
"We do need each other, don't we?" he said to her mouth.
Wow! That's quite an ending. Or is it the end? A serial killer is a professional, too. I can picture him grabbing her foot the next time she goes to kick him. She might be seconds from death, seconds from never using her lips again to utter the "F" word.
Jeffrey isn't your typical Halloween monster, but a monster all the same, claiming innocent (and not-so-innocent) victims.
Nicely penned, Jay! Good Luck in the contest! It should do very well.
Cheers,
Kimbob
Comment Written 24-Oct-2021
reply by the author on 25-Oct-2021
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You've made me so happy, Kimbob. You found psychological worth in this piece. Thus, you took it beyond the thrill of the hunt, so to speak.
I cut 4K words from the original. No one here would have read 8,000 words (well, I am excluding you), but it would have gone in an entirely different direction had I incorporated the other 4,000.
"But she is so full of herself ... actually, like Jeffrey. They thrive on their... "careers"? So much so, that they exclude the danger." You picked up on the crux of their symbiotic relationship. Both feed off their egos, a steady diet of "Me".
Again, Kimbob, I don't know how I deserve having your intelligent dissection of my posts help me to see what I was only dimly aware of. You've done it, though, time and time again. You are an asset that I truly value, Sir!
Comment from Ric Myworld
We never know what lurks in the minds of others and what they are capable of until that time comes and they retaliate. The joys of torture with purpose. LOL. Just joking. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2021
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We never know what lurks in the minds of others and what they are capable of until that time comes and they retaliate. The joys of torture with purpose. LOL. Just joking. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 24-Oct-2021
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2021
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Ah ... I got my review from Ric! Now I can go to bed! LOL, thanks, though, seriously for your kind words and, of course, for the six stars. You make it worthwhile.
Comment from barbara.wilkey
Oh My!!! This is one Halloween contest entry. This is some good writing. WOW! You had me totally until the end and then I wanted more. Thank you for sharing and good luck, but I doubt you'll need it.
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2021
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Oh My!!! This is one Halloween contest entry. This is some good writing. WOW! You had me totally until the end and then I wanted more. Thank you for sharing and good luck, but I doubt you'll need it.
Comment Written 24-Oct-2021
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2021
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Your accolades mean so much to me, Barbara. Thank you. I was afraid some might find the language a bit much. Your six stars made me smile!
Comment from Shirley McLain
I found this story intriguing. You held my attention from start to finish. I like the independent thinking in the female, but on the other hand it did make me feel anxious that she put herself into a situation which could cost her everything. Great job. Shirley
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2021
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I found this story intriguing. You held my attention from start to finish. I like the independent thinking in the female, but on the other hand it did make me feel anxious that she put herself into a situation which could cost her everything. Great job. Shirley
Comment Written 24-Oct-2021
reply by the author on 24-Oct-2021
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Thank you hugely, Shirley. I'm happy you liked it. I was counting on that anxiety you felt.