A Glimpse
poetic prose on mental illness24 total reviews
Comment from Irish Rain
Is this about your daughter? If so...so very sorry. My mom was bi-polar....they didn't call it that then. She died at 31, my sister was, she killed herself at 48. Tragic losses, sorrowed lives. This is beautiful. Blessings....
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Is this about your daughter? If so...so very sorry. My mom was bi-polar....they didn't call it that then. She died at 31, my sister was, she killed herself at 48. Tragic losses, sorrowed lives. This is beautiful. Blessings....
Comment Written 02-Jul-2017
Comment from rama devi
LOVE THESE OUTSTANDING AHA LINES:
The shores of our fancy etched memories and milestones.
Her glass slippers were not as fragile as our hearts.
Optional suggestion:
Tomorrow(,) she would fly with an inherent strength of determination.
Love this pressing:
emptying ourselves into the blazing soul of her, we bid farewell.
*spacing typo:
autumnal juncture of life spread a dark cloud:)ADD SPACE)heavy, unrelenting, unforgiving;
Amazing line:
trapping her soaring spirit into the caisson of a spider's lullaby.
the imagery and phonetics, both...genius!
Expressive (and fine alliteration of E):
Edges of life became raw. Emotions muddled by the cacophony of troubled noise.
AMAZING LINE:
Happiness smudged away like charcoal lines-fading, fading, fading...gone.
UPLIFTING:
Our love, endless as the oceans, keeps hope binding.
This is nice but mildly cliche:
She will always know, even within her raging tempest, our lighthouse is stalwart and resolute. Ne'er a faultering beam to guide her way...back home
faltering is misspelled (unless that is UK spelling?)
Poignant and powerful closing three liner:
to depths of despair
snatched from our loving arms
our sweet daughter fell
Superb alliteration of D, S and consonance of L.
Depths of despair is mildly cliche phrasing but fits perfectly (not suggesting a change, but if you think of a fresher wording, it might be optimal).
I'm so sorry for your loss. Losing a child is the deepest pain humans can face. If this is fictional, then you captured the rawness with intense authenticity.
Touching. Intense. Immensely creative and expressive.
A six caliber piece...in spite of minor nits.
Bravo.
Beautiful work.
Warmly, rd
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2017
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LOVE THESE OUTSTANDING AHA LINES:
The shores of our fancy etched memories and milestones.
Her glass slippers were not as fragile as our hearts.
Optional suggestion:
Tomorrow(,) she would fly with an inherent strength of determination.
Love this pressing:
emptying ourselves into the blazing soul of her, we bid farewell.
*spacing typo:
autumnal juncture of life spread a dark cloud:)ADD SPACE)heavy, unrelenting, unforgiving;
Amazing line:
trapping her soaring spirit into the caisson of a spider's lullaby.
the imagery and phonetics, both...genius!
Expressive (and fine alliteration of E):
Edges of life became raw. Emotions muddled by the cacophony of troubled noise.
AMAZING LINE:
Happiness smudged away like charcoal lines-fading, fading, fading...gone.
UPLIFTING:
Our love, endless as the oceans, keeps hope binding.
This is nice but mildly cliche:
She will always know, even within her raging tempest, our lighthouse is stalwart and resolute. Ne'er a faultering beam to guide her way...back home
faltering is misspelled (unless that is UK spelling?)
Poignant and powerful closing three liner:
to depths of despair
snatched from our loving arms
our sweet daughter fell
Superb alliteration of D, S and consonance of L.
Depths of despair is mildly cliche phrasing but fits perfectly (not suggesting a change, but if you think of a fresher wording, it might be optimal).
I'm so sorry for your loss. Losing a child is the deepest pain humans can face. If this is fictional, then you captured the rawness with intense authenticity.
Touching. Intense. Immensely creative and expressive.
A six caliber piece...in spite of minor nits.
Bravo.
Beautiful work.
Warmly, rd
Comment Written 02-Jul-2017
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2017
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I love you Rama! I have missed you. Missed all of you. I feel so undeserving of such praise.
This in not biographical, though as far as loss goes it could certainly be. Something I keep only to my heart.. This is dedicated to a dear friend whose daughter suffers so. And to any and all who undergo this Herculean trial. Love , intense love gets us through the moments of unsolicited and undeserved isolation. As for edits, thank you dear friend. I will change as soon as I get back home and try to overturn cliche. Again dear friend, thank you. I am , once again, humbled.
Jimi
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I love you too, dear Jimi. So glad this is not biographical. It's full of the empathy that makes your heart GLOW.
Love you! Love love love,
rd
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If only the one I care for so deeply felt that I would be on top of the world
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I hope you receive the love you deserve...
Hugs, rd
Comment from kiwigirl2821
Truthfully Jlsavell I didn't understand what this poem was about or certainly I didn't garner the meaning your author's notes express. For me and many others of course it turned a dreamy write into one that is sadder than Earth's plight. As a woman to lose a child no matter the distance is incomprehensible to me. You have the words, the flow, the something that guts a reader. Unbelievable writing here my friend. xoxo Kiwi
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2017
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Truthfully Jlsavell I didn't understand what this poem was about or certainly I didn't garner the meaning your author's notes express. For me and many others of course it turned a dreamy write into one that is sadder than Earth's plight. As a woman to lose a child no matter the distance is incomprehensible to me. You have the words, the flow, the something that guts a reader. Unbelievable writing here my friend. xoxo Kiwi
Comment Written 02-Jul-2017
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2017
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Hi Kiwi,
Actually the work is meant to take you through the life of someone with a beautiful childhood and parents who loved their child deeply, reflecting on all the memories and fears of letting our children loose in a crazy world. Enough the world is crazy and uncertain and unforgivable, but to have this adored being fall into the grips of a devastating and debilitating disease such as bi polar, only to lose all one has worked hard and blossomed to be and alienating oneself from their family compounds all issues with not only the inflicted individual but those that love them as well. Hope this makes sense. thank you for your review and valuable input..
jlsavell
jimi
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yes that helps a lot. I think I got that, it's just when I finished, and the bi-polar question came to the front it changed the storyline for me. thanks mate. xoxo deborah
Comment from dejohnsrld (Debbie)
A very well written, poem my friend. I certainly never want to do it again. Once is more than enough.. Take care, my fried~Debbe
en78haaaahhq
i hah gonh through agai
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A very well written, poem my friend. I certainly never want to do it again. Once is more than enough.. Take care, my fried~Debbe
en78haaaahhq
i hah gonh through agai
Comment Written 02-Jul-2017
Comment from IndianaIrish
Oh, jimi, your form of haibun is so powerful and filled with emotion. The imagery is wonderful and allows the reader to dance with your words. What a horrid disease. We never want our children to suffer from any disease, and mental illness is so misunderstood by the medical profession along with friends, family, and most people. Your last verse is truly heartfelt and offers a positive feeling she will always be welcome home. Excellent poetry!
Smiles,
Karyn :-)
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Oh, jimi, your form of haibun is so powerful and filled with emotion. The imagery is wonderful and allows the reader to dance with your words. What a horrid disease. We never want our children to suffer from any disease, and mental illness is so misunderstood by the medical profession along with friends, family, and most people. Your last verse is truly heartfelt and offers a positive feeling she will always be welcome home. Excellent poetry!
Smiles,
Karyn :-)
Comment Written 02-Jul-2017
Comment from royowen
A friend of ours lost her granddaughter to beautiful young girl who self harmed, with bi polar, she had friends, a family who loved her, the last self harm...terminal. I lost a 19 year old close friend, which set me off, but I recovered. Well done Jimi, beautifully written prose,, exceptional penning prose, blessings, Roy
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A friend of ours lost her granddaughter to beautiful young girl who self harmed, with bi polar, she had friends, a family who loved her, the last self harm...terminal. I lost a 19 year old close friend, which set me off, but I recovered. Well done Jimi, beautifully written prose,, exceptional penning prose, blessings, Roy
Comment Written 02-Jul-2017
Comment from Hitcher
A beautiful, well crafted poem which reaches out and touches the reader. I think there would be few among us who have not came across, know or have loved one of these delicate, unfortunate souls. I struggle to comprehend His grand plan sometimes friend, I really do. A Refined write!!
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A beautiful, well crafted poem which reaches out and touches the reader. I think there would be few among us who have not came across, know or have loved one of these delicate, unfortunate souls. I struggle to comprehend His grand plan sometimes friend, I really do. A Refined write!!
Comment Written 02-Jul-2017
Comment from Teri7
This is a very well written six star poem you have penned about Bi-polar disease. I know some with that and it is not nice at all. Had to deal with for families. You used very good descriptive wording and very good imagery. Blessings, Teri
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This is a very well written six star poem you have penned about Bi-polar disease. I know some with that and it is not nice at all. Had to deal with for families. You used very good descriptive wording and very good imagery. Blessings, Teri
Comment Written 02-Jul-2017
Comment from Joan E.
Thank you for your sensitive description of bi-polar disorder and your dedication. I admired all of the vivid imagery in this haibun, including "uneasy chairs" and the "caisson of a spider's lullaby" metaphors plus the "charcoal line" simile, to note just a few. Well conceived and executed! Warm regards- Joan
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2017
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Thank you for your sensitive description of bi-polar disorder and your dedication. I admired all of the vivid imagery in this haibun, including "uneasy chairs" and the "caisson of a spider's lullaby" metaphors plus the "charcoal line" simile, to note just a few. Well conceived and executed! Warm regards- Joan
Comment Written 02-Jul-2017
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2017
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Joan, you are always to king and giving over my offerings. I am truly humbled by this review and many others. Thank you so very much for all the stars and wonderful comments. warmest regards and happy 4TH to you!!!!!
jimi
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I thoroughly enjoy your work--keep it coming! -J
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my work is sporadic at most. this year has been quite busy and the muse is quite stifled!!!!!!
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Here's to your muse returning from vacation and a calmer year! Endless hugs- Joan
Comment from Number11
I felt this one, it rang true for the hearts of troubled parents, hoping they are doing the right thing and feeling the sting at time passing too quickly. i liked the image of pink booties giving way to cinderella glass slippers, and I'd like to see that accentuated a bit more! It makes me think of my own mother as well, and i can see her in it. well done
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I felt this one, it rang true for the hearts of troubled parents, hoping they are doing the right thing and feeling the sting at time passing too quickly. i liked the image of pink booties giving way to cinderella glass slippers, and I'd like to see that accentuated a bit more! It makes me think of my own mother as well, and i can see her in it. well done
Comment Written 02-Jul-2017