Mental Floss
Should One Floss Daily?42 total reviews
Comment from Tpa
As always, you write such a wonderful and flawless text.
I smiled when Jay discovered she was only eleven and occupied his thoughts for half of century.
You are very talented and I enjoy reading your work.
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2017
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As always, you write such a wonderful and flawless text.
I smiled when Jay discovered she was only eleven and occupied his thoughts for half of century.
You are very talented and I enjoy reading your work.
Comment Written 01-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2017
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You are too kind, Tpa. Thank you so much for reading. I'm thrilled you enjoyed it.
Comment from flylikeaneagle
Hi Jay: it's been a long time, last year, in fact. I've written a novel through
the Writer's Digest challenge. This was a NaNoWriMo.org of 50,000 words
in one month.
I know your story is a guy type of story. I feel for Audrey since she wanted
attention. Maybe, the sexual way wasn't right. She was way too young.
I like how you are so great at descriptions with details of small things. You give
us visuals of the beach towels, the biceps and the self-esteem of the short guy.
Even names are shortened by friendships.
I tried hard to figure out names and characters. I had to ask Dean how to make my bad guy bad in the novel. Somehow, he got his own personality and jumped out of the page and became alive. All I was doing was dancing on the keyboard.
If Audrey wanted a cookie - did someone else teach her this technique? She might have associated sex for cookie as a treat for a treat?
Ok, again, this is your story and life. What happened to Audrey? Did you keep in touch with your friends?
I like your dialogue and the flow of your paragraphs. I have a lot to learn.
Enjoy your day. flylikeaneagle
Oh, I wrote 57,000 words in 27 days with an average of 2000/day. One day, was
5000 and another 8000. I need to edit this novel and write another. I'm glad I
am on FS to learn from great guys like you and Dean!
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2017
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Hi Jay: it's been a long time, last year, in fact. I've written a novel through
the Writer's Digest challenge. This was a NaNoWriMo.org of 50,000 words
in one month.
I know your story is a guy type of story. I feel for Audrey since she wanted
attention. Maybe, the sexual way wasn't right. She was way too young.
I like how you are so great at descriptions with details of small things. You give
us visuals of the beach towels, the biceps and the self-esteem of the short guy.
Even names are shortened by friendships.
I tried hard to figure out names and characters. I had to ask Dean how to make my bad guy bad in the novel. Somehow, he got his own personality and jumped out of the page and became alive. All I was doing was dancing on the keyboard.
If Audrey wanted a cookie - did someone else teach her this technique? She might have associated sex for cookie as a treat for a treat?
Ok, again, this is your story and life. What happened to Audrey? Did you keep in touch with your friends?
I like your dialogue and the flow of your paragraphs. I have a lot to learn.
Enjoy your day. flylikeaneagle
Oh, I wrote 57,000 words in 27 days with an average of 2000/day. One day, was
5000 and another 8000. I need to edit this novel and write another. I'm glad I
am on FS to learn from great guys like you and Dean!
Comment Written 01-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2017
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Wow, Nancy. 57,000 words in 27 days. I could never do that. Never! This one took me a week and a half to write, taking 4 hours a day. What's that? Over 50 hours to write 4500 words. But it included edits. Good luck with your current edits and the next novel. Oh, to be young again!
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Jay: Writer's Digest gave us the challenge of 50,000 in 30 days as a NaNoWriMo. National Novel Writing in Month. So RIght Margin helped with the word count. I bounced the Word onto Right Margin and google docs to keep the novel. Then, I bought a printer which I still have to install and print this novel. I posted three sections of this novel with "the cave," being the third one. My daughters are in the photo. Yes, Jay, I had to focus and move the novel along. I added in scriptures, songs and author's notes for a study. Research slowed me down. I wanted the mountain climb in "the cave," to be real with the terms. I gave this section to our friend who was an army Delta and mountain climber trainer. He also gave me terms and advice. This sport is so expensive. My good guy is Max McGee - Max is my daughter's cat. The bad guy is Daniel. Enjoy the three stories. Yes, we were in Denver. I got to see some sites for the next novel. Enjoy your day. Thanks for your friendship. Congrats on review award, Jay! You wrote a great story. nancy
Comment from royowen
It brought back memories of my boyhood, taking their first innocent, uncertain steps into manhood, coming back, I can remember nubile, provocative under age girls too. Good descriptive narrative Jay, I little uncomfortable to read, it brought back unbidden thoughts, set in time, like a statue. Well done, Jay, dark memories, good scribing, blessings, Roy
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2017
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It brought back memories of my boyhood, taking their first innocent, uncertain steps into manhood, coming back, I can remember nubile, provocative under age girls too. Good descriptive narrative Jay, I little uncomfortable to read, it brought back unbidden thoughts, set in time, like a statue. Well done, Jay, dark memories, good scribing, blessings, Roy
Comment Written 01-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2017
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Yeah, I think a lot of memories were jogged with this one, not all of them salutary. Thank you for reading and responding. God Bless.
Jay
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Well done Jay
Comment from Sasha
I absolutely loved every word of this one. Some may say it was too long, but I would no have liked it broken up. This is one you (I) wanted to read from beginning to end, with no break. Fascinating story and took me back to those terrible teenage years...my heart goes out to all those kids that still have it to look forward to. You did a stupendous job with this and I wouldn't change word. Excellent entry for this contest and I sincerely wish you all the best. This is definitely a 6 star post and should be a top contender in the contest.
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2017
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I absolutely loved every word of this one. Some may say it was too long, but I would no have liked it broken up. This is one you (I) wanted to read from beginning to end, with no break. Fascinating story and took me back to those terrible teenage years...my heart goes out to all those kids that still have it to look forward to. You did a stupendous job with this and I wouldn't change word. Excellent entry for this contest and I sincerely wish you all the best. This is definitely a 6 star post and should be a top contender in the contest.
Comment Written 01-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2017
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Well, ya did it again, Sasha. Got me grinning ear-to-ear and you know that gives me gas! Thanks so much for the six stars, but your sincere words and kind wishes are even more appreciated.
Comment from Gert sherwood
Hello Jay
Well I finished you story (which was a bit long),but I found
quite interesting,because, of the strange actions and thoughts of Chaunce and to me affected the other guys
Gert
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2017
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Hello Jay
Well I finished you story (which was a bit long),but I found
quite interesting,because, of the strange actions and thoughts of Chaunce and to me affected the other guys
Gert
Comment Written 01-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2017
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Gert! You're back! Thank you so much for reading. Yes, I know it was long, but it was a contest entry and I couldn't divide it up. It is so good to hear from you again, my dear. I hope you are well, and enjoying life.
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Hi Jay, I just back doing reviews
Life has bee difficult, but now getting better in slow stages.
My back cannot be operated on surgeons say that my lower vertebrates are to weak to have a sky scarper build of rods.
Now playing around with medication to help the discomfort.
Gert
Comment from Halfree
The story is overwritten, filled with rambling sentences that drags the reader through story. The opening is long drawn out and does little to pull the reader into the story. The bit about "army scouts" seems out of place and adds little to the story. How does that information add to or move the story along?
The reader is given three names in the beginning, while the author has a clear picture of the characters, the reader does not have a clue as to the identity or the relationship of the characters. The lines about the taco stand and beer. The name Chaunce pops in...I had no clue as to his relationship to the narrator of the story. Why not ...eased down the stairs to the beach, Chaunce went to get a beer.
Then there is the time line...
Time of the story is set as 1955. Just thrown in a an after-thought. I think this is a good story that is a bit over told; lots of information floats about but does little to connect with the reader or move the story along.
Think a rewrite with an outline or time line will help the story. I think you have a very good story waiting to be told,
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2017
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The story is overwritten, filled with rambling sentences that drags the reader through story. The opening is long drawn out and does little to pull the reader into the story. The bit about "army scouts" seems out of place and adds little to the story. How does that information add to or move the story along?
The reader is given three names in the beginning, while the author has a clear picture of the characters, the reader does not have a clue as to the identity or the relationship of the characters. The lines about the taco stand and beer. The name Chaunce pops in...I had no clue as to his relationship to the narrator of the story. Why not ...eased down the stairs to the beach, Chaunce went to get a beer.
Then there is the time line...
Time of the story is set as 1955. Just thrown in a an after-thought. I think this is a good story that is a bit over told; lots of information floats about but does little to connect with the reader or move the story along.
Think a rewrite with an outline or time line will help the story. I think you have a very good story waiting to be told,
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 01-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2017
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I take a review as an opportunity for dialogue. Stars mean nothing to me, generally. Three of them might make me feel the reviewer is trying to be hurtful. In your case, I don?t feel that way. You were being heartfelt. That in mind, let me address some of your comments.
Rambling sentences. That?s me, I?m afraid. I often go back and break sentences up into short declarative ones that would make Hemmingway proud. But there?s also a bit of Gertrude Stein and William Faulkner in my old soul. It?s a mix. A stew.
Army scouts. Ha! I kinda see what you?re saying. I was trying to convey the feeling of being young, adventuresome, and, more importantly, being ?privates? under ?Chaunce?s ?generalship.? Just a feeling I wanted to convey.
?The reader is given three names in the beginning, while the author has a clear picture of the characters, the reader does not have a clue as to the identity or the relationship of the characters.? The three names I gave ? you mean Chaunce, Barry and the narrator (Jay)? Well ? the identity and the relationship is what the story development purports to provide. If, given four-thousand-some-odd words to develop the story, I don?t bring those characters to life and have their relationship lift the story higher than their sum totals, then I fail as a story-teller.
?The name Chaunce pops in...I had no clue as to his relationship to the narrator of the story. Why not ...eased down the stairs to the beach, Chaunce went to get a beer.? My goodness ? Sooner or later, the name Chaunce is going to? pop in.? It?s the first paragraph, for pity sake. How soon do you want me to give you a ?clue? to his relationship with the narrator? Sure, I could have had them ease down the stairs, and Chaunce to go get a beer. There?re probably a thousand other ways I could have said it. I said it in a way I thought would engage the reader. It didn?t engage you. Sorry.
Time of the story is set as 1955. Just thrown in a an after-thought. [Story is set in 1956, not 1955. But ?just thrown in as an afterthought? An afterthought? Did you see the story classification as ?biography?? (Actually a memoir, which offers more latitude than a biography, but ?memoir? was not given as an option.) This is one comment I feel you were unfair in making, or that you simply have no clue what the full scope of the story is. I?m just dumbfounded. An afterthought?
Deep, calming breath.
All said, I do thank you for taking the time to read the story.
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OK Jay, you have made some points and I have reread most of your story...skipped about. Do like the story, more so after another reading. I still think the opening is...well Ok but ...well I do not think it invites the reader in. I once wrote a story that opened with "He had a bad cae of the jockey itch and it saved his life." That line got attention.
I think your story, the one I reviewed, is one very good story but...always the but...the opening seems flat.
I may well be full of crap. I enjoyed your remarks concerning my review. Wish some of the others members of the Fanstory membership had your approach to reviews...well if I really want to read more of your work, which I do, I will have to sign on as a fan.
I might not review every thing you write but I will try to read your postings, wish you well...keep on writing.
Comment from F. Wehr3
Damn, Jay, this is good. Too good. I thought I had a pretty good entry, but this is a class in craftsmanship. I wish you luck in the contest. I found a couple of things for your consideration.
so Chaunce, who never divulged his age to us, though we knew he was at least twenty-one, drove us that morning to Avila beach, as he had, a week earlier, the day Barry and I ditched, two days before summer break.-- It's a long complex sentence. My suggestion is drop the comma after beach and had. The last aside, two days before summer break, seems almost unnecessary. I almost want to put 'which was' instead of a comma, but I don't think the information is needed.
Rema Faye was his nine-year-old sister who was what we, today, call Down Syndrome, but at that time--in '56--bore the title Mongoloid, or Mongolian Idiot.--My suggestion would be to make one aside ( sister, who was what we today call Downs Syndrome, ). I almost want to say had a the condition or was diagnosed with or suffered from. Just a suggestion.
I had watched Chaunce and the baby sitter --you have baby sitter and babysitter as one in this document.
I felt a wave of revulsion at the thought of a grown man, with two days' stubble, for crying out loud, taking her to the caves.--Suggest no comma after man
Christ, Jay, what would you o' done.-- Question mark.
And then we listened to music on the request line, and talked till my parents came home.--Suggest comma after then and delete comma after line.
If, today, the voice of a seventy-three-year-old Audrey intoned behind me, "I think I know what you want,"--Suggest one of two ways to punctuate. Remove both commas surrounding today or just keep the one after today.
Take care,
Russell
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2017
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Damn, Jay, this is good. Too good. I thought I had a pretty good entry, but this is a class in craftsmanship. I wish you luck in the contest. I found a couple of things for your consideration.
so Chaunce, who never divulged his age to us, though we knew he was at least twenty-one, drove us that morning to Avila beach, as he had, a week earlier, the day Barry and I ditched, two days before summer break.-- It's a long complex sentence. My suggestion is drop the comma after beach and had. The last aside, two days before summer break, seems almost unnecessary. I almost want to put 'which was' instead of a comma, but I don't think the information is needed.
Rema Faye was his nine-year-old sister who was what we, today, call Down Syndrome, but at that time--in '56--bore the title Mongoloid, or Mongolian Idiot.--My suggestion would be to make one aside ( sister, who was what we today call Downs Syndrome, ). I almost want to say had a the condition or was diagnosed with or suffered from. Just a suggestion.
I had watched Chaunce and the baby sitter --you have baby sitter and babysitter as one in this document.
I felt a wave of revulsion at the thought of a grown man, with two days' stubble, for crying out loud, taking her to the caves.--Suggest no comma after man
Christ, Jay, what would you o' done.-- Question mark.
And then we listened to music on the request line, and talked till my parents came home.--Suggest comma after then and delete comma after line.
If, today, the voice of a seventy-three-year-old Audrey intoned behind me, "I think I know what you want,"--Suggest one of two ways to punctuate. Remove both commas surrounding today or just keep the one after today.
Take care,
Russell
Comment Written 01-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2017
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I do study these reviews, Russell.
See if this is better:
Back in ?56, Barry and I were too young to drive. Chaunce, who never divulged his age to us, though we knew he was at least twenty-one, drove us that morning to Avila beach as he had a week earlier, the day Barry and I ditched, which was two days before summer break.
Most all the other stuff ... followed your advise. I'll look further into the Down Syndrome part. It feels scratchy, rough.
Commas, most of them, I have a problem addressing. See, thing is, all suggestions made by everyone seem right and (as I slap my forehead), I say "sure!" Then turn around and change them back with the next suggestion. I have no discernment capability. I need to take an entire day and S-T-U-D-Y the rules of comma use.
Thank you more than you know, Russell!
Jay
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I think your revision of the paragraph is perfect.
Commas are one of those things. Definitely study the rules and make your own conclusions.
I felt a wave of revulsion at the thought of a grown man, with two days' stubble, for crying out loud, taking her to the caves.--The reason I suggested no comma after man is because this is a simple prepositional phrase that doesn't need to be separated from the main clause. While 'for crying out loud' is an aside, interjecting your disdain.
And then we listened to music on the request line, and talked till my parents came home.-- For this one, I used the fact that 'talked till my parents came home' isn't a complete sentence. We performs two actions listened and talked. The rule I am applying here is called coordinating conjunctions (F.A.N.B.O.Y.S. for, and, nor, but, or yet, so). By using one of these with a comma, your saying that both what comes before and after are complete sentences (independent clauses). Of course, there are exceptions. It is English after all.
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Ha! It's always been enough for me to remember not to add a comma AFTER a coordinating conjunction. I'm always doing it anyway, then before I post I put each of them in find/replace on Word and remove the commas that don't belong. I deplore commas. Again, thanks, Russell.
Comment from Autumn Splendour
A dark tale told in retrospect. My heart goes to Audrey. Within the facade of a promiscuous eleven going on twelve girl, is a child crying for love and attention. There are many Audreys, neglected, misguided and starved for love.
I'm glad the story ends with some form of redemption for two of the boys. Well written, as always.
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2017
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A dark tale told in retrospect. My heart goes to Audrey. Within the facade of a promiscuous eleven going on twelve girl, is a child crying for love and attention. There are many Audreys, neglected, misguided and starved for love.
I'm glad the story ends with some form of redemption for two of the boys. Well written, as always.
Comment Written 01-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2017
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Autumn, you are too kind. Thank you so much.
Comment from Alex Biasin
Extremely well written piece.
The story took off with a life of its own and it rollicked along.
The subject matter was a touch disheartening but at least there was some redeeming features of the two boys trying to do the right thing, thinking back to my days as a 13 year old boy, I'm not sure I would be able to resist the temptation, though the Chaunce character had no redeeming qualities at all.
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2017
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Extremely well written piece.
The story took off with a life of its own and it rollicked along.
The subject matter was a touch disheartening but at least there was some redeeming features of the two boys trying to do the right thing, thinking back to my days as a 13 year old boy, I'm not sure I would be able to resist the temptation, though the Chaunce character had no redeeming qualities at all.
Comment Written 01-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2017
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Teenagery is underrated, right, Alex? Thanks for the kind review. I'm thrilled you liked it.
Comment from His Grayness
I found this work to be very "gripping" in circumstance and delivery of emotion across several people involved in the story. The setup (so to speak) was so rare and unusual that the reader is compelled to stay with the story to find out how it will end. That's what good writing is to me and this work is excellent therefore. I Cannot offer any suggestion to the author to improve this work and wish him the best in his further works, which I expect to be event better! HIS GRAYNESS
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2017
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I found this work to be very "gripping" in circumstance and delivery of emotion across several people involved in the story. The setup (so to speak) was so rare and unusual that the reader is compelled to stay with the story to find out how it will end. That's what good writing is to me and this work is excellent therefore. I Cannot offer any suggestion to the author to improve this work and wish him the best in his further works, which I expect to be event better! HIS GRAYNESS
Comment Written 31-Jan-2017
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2017
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You are always the gentleman, Vance. God bless you for your support. And your six stars is so rewarding. Thank you so much.