Joe
a short story contest entry21 total reviews
Comment from royowen
I enjoyed this short tale Dawn, the sensation of inevitability would be very difficult to negotiate on one's own, these guys are selected for their emotional stability I think, not that that matters when Father Time is not on your side. Imaginative and perceptive, the writer's ace in the hole, getting in the head of their characters. Even the hallucinations at the end. Well done. Dawn, good entry, good luck, blessings, Roy.
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2016
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I enjoyed this short tale Dawn, the sensation of inevitability would be very difficult to negotiate on one's own, these guys are selected for their emotional stability I think, not that that matters when Father Time is not on your side. Imaginative and perceptive, the writer's ace in the hole, getting in the head of their characters. Even the hallucinations at the end. Well done. Dawn, good entry, good luck, blessings, Roy.
Comment Written 26-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2016
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Thanks so much, Roy. Yes, it would NOT be a nice way to go...
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You're right Dawn
Comment from Barb Hensongispsaca
Oh wow a very interesting story and quite a dramatic piece. The ending is the only way it can end.
It was sad but also wonderful to die with the thoughts of love and happy thoughts of family and a smile
No problems noted.
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2016
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Oh wow a very interesting story and quite a dramatic piece. The ending is the only way it can end.
It was sad but also wonderful to die with the thoughts of love and happy thoughts of family and a smile
No problems noted.
Comment Written 26-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2016
Comment from rmj09
This meets the requirement for write about this an astronaut sitting on Mars looking back at the Earth.
The focus another computer crash.
The story line development: the captain is stuck on Mars and the rest are stuck in their capsule. The computer has crashed they are all running out of oxygen, but the captain is running out of oxygen first. Without the computer, no communication, no ability to move the capsule, or life support.
The hook will they get the computer working?
The dialog shows the personality of the characters, giving a clear mental picture.
The narration shows Joe trying to breath slowly and relaxed. Yet his mind is showing him he is dying. He realizes he has only thirty minutes before he runs out.
The suspense makes you want the story to come to an ending.
Keep on writing.
Good luck with the contest.
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2016
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This meets the requirement for write about this an astronaut sitting on Mars looking back at the Earth.
The focus another computer crash.
The story line development: the captain is stuck on Mars and the rest are stuck in their capsule. The computer has crashed they are all running out of oxygen, but the captain is running out of oxygen first. Without the computer, no communication, no ability to move the capsule, or life support.
The hook will they get the computer working?
The dialog shows the personality of the characters, giving a clear mental picture.
The narration shows Joe trying to breath slowly and relaxed. Yet his mind is showing him he is dying. He realizes he has only thirty minutes before he runs out.
The suspense makes you want the story to come to an ending.
Keep on writing.
Good luck with the contest.
Comment Written 26-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2016
Comment from michaelcahill
I saw that picture and couldn't resist. LOL
Wow. My hat is off to you Ms. Fearless Courageous Woman.
Most of us tried to figure out some way around the obvious with that picture. HA!
You went with the actual story of a man stranded, running out of oxygen and the drama ensuing. Scared me to death to try that. I mean, you'd have to write the hell out of it to keep anyone's interest when they know all the plot elements and the two possible outcomes. I wouldn't have the nerve.
Well, you are just one hellatious writer there, girl.
I forgot all about being a Fanstory reviewer right away and you engaged me in this story and I loved every word of it.
If I was younger, I would be even deeper than I am right now. I'm hoping for second place now.
Awesome writing. mikey
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2016
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I saw that picture and couldn't resist. LOL
Wow. My hat is off to you Ms. Fearless Courageous Woman.
Most of us tried to figure out some way around the obvious with that picture. HA!
You went with the actual story of a man stranded, running out of oxygen and the drama ensuing. Scared me to death to try that. I mean, you'd have to write the hell out of it to keep anyone's interest when they know all the plot elements and the two possible outcomes. I wouldn't have the nerve.
Well, you are just one hellatious writer there, girl.
I forgot all about being a Fanstory reviewer right away and you engaged me in this story and I loved every word of it.
If I was younger, I would be even deeper than I am right now. I'm hoping for second place now.
Awesome writing. mikey
Comment Written 26-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2016
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Oh Mikey, I am THRILLED!!!! "Hellatious, huh? Wish I could FRAME this!
Comment from Susanne M. Psyris
Dawn! This was really great! I can't believe THAT picture inspired you to write something so awesome...I drew a complete and total blank on this one. Great job. Excellent dialogue; very believable. Great insertions of his dream...brought it to another level! Loved it. Good luck in the contest. God bless and hugs, Susanne
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2016
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Dawn! This was really great! I can't believe THAT picture inspired you to write something so awesome...I drew a complete and total blank on this one. Great job. Excellent dialogue; very believable. Great insertions of his dream...brought it to another level! Loved it. Good luck in the contest. God bless and hugs, Susanne
Comment Written 26-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2016
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You're the best! This is such an encouraging review - yes, I worked HARD on this one - lots of research. I wasn't sure I could write about that picture either, but then I started channeling what someone might feel in a situation where he or she was running out of (air in my case, because I used to scuba) oxygen and the muse took over...
Comment from nancy_e_davis
I don't usually like stories about space. I think the space program is what is wrong with the world today. They are spending money on big boy toys while the citizens starve and go to crime to survive. Brain washing us with TV shows about Ancient aliens and NASA Unexplained files. Think about it. The billions of dollars going to the space program and other outlandish schemes. Invest it in jobs and our crumbling cities and bridges let the moon just be a moon for lovers to admire. LOL I think this will happen one day. God be with the astronauts who get caught in such a situation. xx Nancy
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2016
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I don't usually like stories about space. I think the space program is what is wrong with the world today. They are spending money on big boy toys while the citizens starve and go to crime to survive. Brain washing us with TV shows about Ancient aliens and NASA Unexplained files. Think about it. The billions of dollars going to the space program and other outlandish schemes. Invest it in jobs and our crumbling cities and bridges let the moon just be a moon for lovers to admire. LOL I think this will happen one day. God be with the astronauts who get caught in such a situation. xx Nancy
Comment Written 26-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2016
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Agreed - what a horrible way to go...
Comment from frogbook
You are on a roll, my friend and hogging up all my 6's this week-haha. This was fantastic-so sad and a genius of an ending. VERY well written with a great story and great progression with realistic description.
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2016
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You are on a roll, my friend and hogging up all my 6's this week-haha. This was fantastic-so sad and a genius of an ending. VERY well written with a great story and great progression with realistic description.
Comment Written 26-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2016
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Oh gosh, I can't tell you what this means to me - sorry to hog your sixes though - we need more allotted! I follow so MANY great writers (you included) - nearly 500! We should get sixes according to how much we review!
But I am SO thrilled and honored! I worked hard on this one!
Comment from RodG
YOU PUT US THERE on that planet with Joe whose situation is dire as his oxygen expires. The use of space terms and dialog gives this story a realistic quality. You give us just enough backstory to evoke sympathy for Joe the person as well as Joe the astronaut. A grim ending leaves us wishing for more.
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2016
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YOU PUT US THERE on that planet with Joe whose situation is dire as his oxygen expires. The use of space terms and dialog gives this story a realistic quality. You give us just enough backstory to evoke sympathy for Joe the person as well as Joe the astronaut. A grim ending leaves us wishing for more.
Comment Written 26-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2016
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Wow, what a wonderful review! I'm very encouraged. Thank you for your generous comments and five stars - much appreciated!
Comment from Sandra du Plessis
That must be terribleto know you are going to die and you are on a planet far away from your loved ones. Every breath you take may be the last.
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2016
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That must be terribleto know you are going to die and you are on a planet far away from your loved ones. Every breath you take may be the last.
Comment Written 26-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2016
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Yes, awful! Thanks SO much, Sandra. (You seem like you're on here so much you must sleep and eat like I do! Not the best! LOL)
Comment from Kooky Clown
A good short story and I enjoyed it except the sad ending as I am guessing that that is it they are doomed ? I do not like sad endings so unless you can offer a ray of hope then the tale is doomed to end.
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2016
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A good short story and I enjoyed it except the sad ending as I am guessing that that is it they are doomed ? I do not like sad endings so unless you can offer a ray of hope then the tale is doomed to end.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 26-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2016