Mood Wrung
More21 total reviews
Comment from Domino 2
Hi, 'Miss Wordy', Jimi, ;-)
3rd line should be, 'twilight'.
7th stanza, maybe, 'declares' to retain present tense.
WOW - so many excellent poetic devices in this top free verse, especially alliteration - abundant without being overdone.
The final gory twist 'got' me, as I realised Lenny is a pet dog, heartlessly killed - well, I hope I got it right...I just read again, and the 'fur' is a dead giveaway. ;-)
Loads of brilliant (though sometimes distressing) imagery, dramatic metaphors and word choices.
Top free verse that deserves a sixer in my book, Jimi.
Best wishes, Ray xx
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2015
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Hi, 'Miss Wordy', Jimi, ;-)
3rd line should be, 'twilight'.
7th stanza, maybe, 'declares' to retain present tense.
WOW - so many excellent poetic devices in this top free verse, especially alliteration - abundant without being overdone.
The final gory twist 'got' me, as I realised Lenny is a pet dog, heartlessly killed - well, I hope I got it right...I just read again, and the 'fur' is a dead giveaway. ;-)
Loads of brilliant (though sometimes distressing) imagery, dramatic metaphors and word choices.
Top free verse that deserves a sixer in my book, Jimi.
Best wishes, Ray xx
Comment Written 28-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2015
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I remember the words of Domino! "Boy, Jimi, can you natter!"
Well it's a good thing we are a distant couple..lol... I would never let you get a word in otherwise! You'd be putting a sedative in my Crown Royal just so you could write a poem! Lol.. thank you ever so much my dear friend and oft times confidente.
Jimi
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To 'natter' a lot is sure better than embarrassing boring silences in real life, Jimi. :-)
What's a 'Crown Royal'? Is it some form of NON-alcoholic boring tea, or something? LOL.
Thanks for your great fun reply, my lovely friend.
Ray xx
Comment from Sis Cat
What can I say? Your voice and story entranced me. I read this aloud thrice and it keeps getting better, deeper. Your rich language evoked moods and memories. Enjoying the evening's breeze with your dog brought back memories of the murder of Lenny. This gripped and haunted me:
"My soul murdered with a shovel of evil
Scattered membranes
like gobs of red/yellow goo
clung to my flesh like ticks"
I can feel your poem on my skin and under my skin as if I had been brined. Your direct tone spoke to my heart. Your visceral images stirred me.
I am running out of adjectives to describe your work. I just know that I feel it deeply. The only thing I can say is thank you, thank you for being you, for sharing your talent and your stories no matter how dark or bright they may be.
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2015
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What can I say? Your voice and story entranced me. I read this aloud thrice and it keeps getting better, deeper. Your rich language evoked moods and memories. Enjoying the evening's breeze with your dog brought back memories of the murder of Lenny. This gripped and haunted me:
"My soul murdered with a shovel of evil
Scattered membranes
like gobs of red/yellow goo
clung to my flesh like ticks"
I can feel your poem on my skin and under my skin as if I had been brined. Your direct tone spoke to my heart. Your visceral images stirred me.
I am running out of adjectives to describe your work. I just know that I feel it deeply. The only thing I can say is thank you, thank you for being you, for sharing your talent and your stories no matter how dark or bright they may be.
Comment Written 27-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2015
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Sis Cat , a huge thank you. I appreciate you and your loyal support of my work, more than words can express. Thank you!
Jimi
Comment from Gloria ....
Jimi, I know I don't understand this completely, and perhaps that is the way it should be. But I do know I "feel" the depth of the pain, betrayal, those gut-wrenching memories that surface from "where the excrement of life resides "
The beauty of nature so fresh and new and yet shocking aligned with the confession, the cleaning of the soul to live in your own truth.
You always amaze me my dearest one, with the depth of your intelligence, honesty and courage.
Very, very well done, my friend.
Gloria
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2015
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Jimi, I know I don't understand this completely, and perhaps that is the way it should be. But I do know I "feel" the depth of the pain, betrayal, those gut-wrenching memories that surface from "where the excrement of life resides "
The beauty of nature so fresh and new and yet shocking aligned with the confession, the cleaning of the soul to live in your own truth.
You always amaze me my dearest one, with the depth of your intelligence, honesty and courage.
Very, very well done, my friend.
Gloria
Comment Written 27-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 28-Sep-2015
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Gloria..., thank you ever so much. A six coming from a high calibre writer in any form humbles me beyond all words.
Thank you.
Jimi
Comment from Wabigoon
Jimi--
I don't "get" this poem and that bothers me. I feel like it's about something really important and yet I don't know what that is.
This is terrific:
The day growing lazy,
yearning to pull its shades
across the beckoning twilght
Its silver haze imbued
with a tinge of grapefruit hues
just at the hem
of the remaining day's garment
Ombre in graduated form
And yet this just introduces what's happening. What happens? Am I dense? Something awful and violent when you were young and I can't see it clearly enough to know.
'm going to six this because so much of it is evocative, but I think it needs to be clearer.
Best
Jeff
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2015
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Jimi--
I don't "get" this poem and that bothers me. I feel like it's about something really important and yet I don't know what that is.
This is terrific:
The day growing lazy,
yearning to pull its shades
across the beckoning twilght
Its silver haze imbued
with a tinge of grapefruit hues
just at the hem
of the remaining day's garment
Ombre in graduated form
And yet this just introduces what's happening. What happens? Am I dense? Something awful and violent when you were young and I can't see it clearly enough to know.
'm going to six this because so much of it is evocative, but I think it needs to be clearer.
Best
Jeff
Comment Written 27-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2015
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Jeff, you never have to give me a 6 for the saje of doing so.
I like your imput.
I am ruminating. In a pensive mood.
I use to sit outside and connect with nature alot.
I did so lately because I needed to meditate and purge.
Someone, who I do not really know, made a judgement call which evoked this.
This and the political forum where a cratchy old lady raked me through the fire and slandered my character and values.
The other who boldly and abashedly said I was killing a dog, topped the day off. Both of these women, both Fanstorians, claim to be Christian. Baffles me, for hypocrisy abounds and I cannot and will never claim to be a Christian for this very reason.
My writing is usually cathartic and brewing. As you know.
Your writing or style seems to be a stream of consciousness which cannot be defined. You are a superb writer.
I write when I am down, otgerwise nothing flows because to write of happiness and bliss is trite and overdone and so far from reality, I want to puke.
You are not dense by a long shot. I appreciate you and your support. I value your opinion and I am blown away with your writing capabilities. Truly.
Thank you so very much..
I am limited to just my phone at the moment.
Jimi
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Jimi--
Well, you are the third or fourth person to be writing a piece that is in some sense a (powerful negative) response to people or reviews here. Your response is somewhat comforting to me becasue from what you say I don't think I could have gotten what you were saying.
"Killing a dog?" Where in the hell is that? What is that about?
I am still wrestling with this site. I do not know if I like it or not. I love some of the people I have met and yet feel it's a kind of No Exit place. I have seen it hurt other people badly. Looks like it got to you here.
Much of your writing is "Christian," or you attempt to write about those character traits that religion has claimed. This does not bother me because you remain open. So many don't.
Thanks for that.
Clarify Mood Wrung more if you care to.
Jeff
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Jeff, dear friend,
I like to think I have an open mind. I do not advocate nor approve of the dogma or doctrines inculcated in what I term pseudo-christianity, nor any other religious persuasion. Carl Marx once noted religion is the opiate of the masses and there is ne'er a truer statement. Another scholar, I believe Blaise once said, "Religion, everyone will fight for it, war for it, die for it. They will do anything but live for it."
I will be the first to state I believe in something much higher and greater than we as mere human's with immense but limited caoacity to explore or even begin to fathom, bespeaks of something. I am by far not a religious fanatic and if anything I understand those who find a mention of god or any god disgusting. And it is of little wonder. As for Christianity it can stand as one of the most blood guilty religious sects on the face of this Earth. I read the crusades and cringe. So, I understand your thoughts and your reasonings very much so. My statements in my oietry never refer to Christianity, per say, just my oerception and belief in a higher power. I do not buy into tge Antenasian Creed.. the trinity, nor the heaven/hell bullshit.
I have met nany people on here. It has broadened my world. Each time I find a poet or author who stikes a chord of in depth and incredible imagination , I stand in awe and soak in their view of this world. Yours is on a higher plane than most even care to engage their brain over. They like simplicity, stagnant receptors which hurt if they backfire.
I am an endless explorer and learner in all areas but master of none. But that is okay, if I can sit atva table and talk on any topic brought up, from high wing gear suspension to the elemental table, to the expansion if the universe and behaviorism. I am fascinated with life.
That is me in a nutshell, or so I would like to think. Fanstory is a place to study the machinery of human nature and how creativiry is spawned.
I understand how you feel though. But Jeff, it isn't tou, it is the great majority can and will do nothing more than read along with big bird. They could care less for another's work.. they want their sorely inept and unfulfilled ego stoked and slam bam thank you mam reviewing is their ticket.
Yes, my writing is often cathartic. I can no longer run with the fiercness of leaving my early distorted world behind, so now it is pen and ink.
I never wrote one thing until other than a few missives on health until I joined Fanstory.
Yes, Lenny was my dog, my puppy actually bludgeoned to death in front of me. It never leaves, sits right below the surface like many things, but a Fabstorian who doesn't know me made that horrific statement about me. We both have a mutual friend. This mutual friend is more to me than just friend and she was in the pic long before I showed up. She hates me. I understand, but I do nto understand the vindictive slander.
Well I have talked too much. Please do stick around. I would hate to see you leave. You know Scotty hasn't beamed all the intelligent ones to the Enterprise. Lol..
Take care.
Sorry for the typos. Written from my cell phone.
Comment from OLA THOMAS
This is a great input of energy and passion in this poem, you keep driving on with passion and emotion till the last word. Great pace and flow. What a great spite with words on the victim. Nice job.
ola thomas
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2015
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This is a great input of energy and passion in this poem, you keep driving on with passion and emotion till the last word. Great pace and flow. What a great spite with words on the victim. Nice job.
ola thomas
Comment Written 27-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2015
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Ola, thank you ever so much. I am honored. I just read your last chapter and am greatly impressed. I will be over in a few.
Jlsavell
Comment from Aussie
I did like the way you incorporated the colours into your poem. "He, this brut? Did you mean brute? Loads of interesting lines creating a story of fear and death. God certainly watches and listens. Love, K.
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2015
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I did like the way you incorporated the colours into your poem. "He, this brut? Did you mean brute? Loads of interesting lines creating a story of fear and death. God certainly watches and listens. Love, K.
Comment Written 27-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2015
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He does Kace, he does.
Yes, I meant brute. Can't change it from my phone.
Thank you. Going to your port right now
Your friend always Jimi.
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Just posted a story my friend. Haven't put a certificate on it, can't afford it yet! :-{
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I know and a great story it is!
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:-} Tanka you my special friend.
Comment from Phoenix Blood
Definitely some beautiful language you display through this piece. It was enjoyable to read. The only suggestion I might have is that I believe this might be two separate poems. The first two stanzas seem to be taking the work in a different direction from the rest of the lines. If it's intended as exposition or scene description, then I am not sure it's needed in the poem. Other than that- thank you for sharing your talent!
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2015
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Definitely some beautiful language you display through this piece. It was enjoyable to read. The only suggestion I might have is that I believe this might be two separate poems. The first two stanzas seem to be taking the work in a different direction from the rest of the lines. If it's intended as exposition or scene description, then I am not sure it's needed in the poem. Other than that- thank you for sharing your talent!
Comment Written 27-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2015
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Welcome Phoenix Blood!
I do understand what you mean.
However, I was trying to set the stage and encompass the whole of the experience of this particular eve. Very personal in nature, I wanted to create a visual and tactile sense of nor hust my mood and what provoked it, but what was in immediate reality and how I related to it.
Hope that nade sense. Thank you so very much.
Jlsavell
Comment from syrhey
Thank you for sharing this. I love your use of personification as the objects in your poem really takes on a life of their own. I really enjoyed the 4th verse. It reminds me of how my daughter lounges on me as well. Excellent poem.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2015
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Thank you for sharing this. I love your use of personification as the objects in your poem really takes on a life of their own. I really enjoyed the 4th verse. It reminds me of how my daughter lounges on me as well. Excellent poem.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 27-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2015
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Thank you syrhey, for your time and your wonderful comments I appreciate you.
Jlsavell
Comment from Showboat
This was simply outstanding, Jimi. Very dark and sinister, gave me goosebumps at times. This free verse is excellent and you are a master at it.
Great job,
Hugs,
Gayle
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2015
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This was simply outstanding, Jimi. Very dark and sinister, gave me goosebumps at times. This free verse is excellent and you are a master at it.
Great job,
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment Written 27-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2015
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Thank you sweet friend. I am just a,wannabe master at free verse, but I love the vote!
Thank you for being such a lotal supporter of my endeavors.
Hugs to you
Jimi
Comment from Poetic Friend
Jim, it's so great to return to Fanstory to read your work again.
Although this poem tells a very dark and evil story, it bears some excellent, highly creative and imaged-filled lines, such as:
The day growing lazy,
yearning to pull its shades
across the beckoning twilight
The dusk has given its charge
to the black-velvet texture of the night
Gosh, you are such an excellent poet. I wish I were born with your pen. In fact, you tell a story in a poem better than any poet on this site. Because your words tell the story, you don't need a picture to accompany it.
It's amazing you wrote this entire poem by iPhone.
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2015
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Jim, it's so great to return to Fanstory to read your work again.
Although this poem tells a very dark and evil story, it bears some excellent, highly creative and imaged-filled lines, such as:
The day growing lazy,
yearning to pull its shades
across the beckoning twilight
The dusk has given its charge
to the black-velvet texture of the night
Gosh, you are such an excellent poet. I wish I were born with your pen. In fact, you tell a story in a poem better than any poet on this site. Because your words tell the story, you don't need a picture to accompany it.
It's amazing you wrote this entire poem by iPhone.
Comment Written 27-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 27-Sep-2015
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Poetic Friend,
I have missed you and love it when you appear! You, too me, are an exceptional and rare ralent and for you to compliment me this way humbles ne greatly.
Thank you
Jimi