Will You Play With Me?
A contest entry26 total reviews
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
This truly is horrifying on two counts, although for me it is the behaviour of the mother that is the most horrifying. In this day and age, letting your child out of your site at a busy fun fair is unforgivable..
GMG
reply by the author on 10-Apr-2015
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Hi there,
This truly is horrifying on two counts, although for me it is the behaviour of the mother that is the most horrifying. In this day and age, letting your child out of your site at a busy fun fair is unforgivable..
GMG
Comment Written 10-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 10-Apr-2015
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Agreed 1000%.
Thank you for reading and sharing.
Comment from Debbie Noland
Well written. There is dramatic irony in this grim juxtaposition of the pure innocence of the child with the pure evil of the kidnapper. In a very few words you paint a vivid picture of a parent's worst nightmare. Good entry.
reply by the author on 10-Apr-2015
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Well written. There is dramatic irony in this grim juxtaposition of the pure innocence of the child with the pure evil of the kidnapper. In a very few words you paint a vivid picture of a parent's worst nightmare. Good entry.
Comment Written 09-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 10-Apr-2015
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Thank you, Debbie for reading, sharing and the generous rating.
Comment from Jacqueline M Franklin
Hi...
Whoa, such a horror and reality of today. Excellent take on the prompt. Super entry. Good luck in the contest.
Cheers & Blessings
Keep Smilin'... Jax (*:*)
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2015
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Hi...
Whoa, such a horror and reality of today. Excellent take on the prompt. Super entry. Good luck in the contest.
Cheers & Blessings
Keep Smilin'... Jax (*:*)
Comment Written 09-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2015
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Thank you jax. I appreciate your reading and well wishes.
Comment from BeasPeas
That is scary. Happens all to often. These people frequent the parks, etc. where kids play. Interesting story line. Maybe the start of a longer story.
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2015
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That is scary. Happens all to often. These people frequent the parks, etc. where kids play. Interesting story line. Maybe the start of a longer story.
Comment Written 09-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2015
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Thank you BeasPeas. Longer story? I don't have the creativity for that. John
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I agree. As a poet primarily--I like short!
Comment from mommerry
This is certainly a horror story - what most would call a mother's worst nightmare. You should make one correction. There is an apostrophe missing when you write the GIRL'S MOTHER. Otherwise it is a very good story.
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2015
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This is certainly a horror story - what most would call a mother's worst nightmare. You should make one correction. There is an apostrophe missing when you write the GIRL'S MOTHER. Otherwise it is a very good story.
Comment Written 09-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2015
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Thank you mommerry. I appreciate your reading my story. Also, took care of the (').
John
Comment from Dashjianta
You capture Amanda's innocence well, through her simple words and easy trust, and the duplicity of the man through his smile and pretence at playing. Then the horror comes as the mother realises the truth behind the other woman's observation and the van drives away--presumably with the Amanda inside.
Suggestions:
You have a mix of tenses in this story. Most of it is present tense, which works well, but here "A giddy seven year-old Amanda hopped off the merry-go-round." and here "I'll be the sheep," she said.
He smiled." you've slipped into past tense. It will flow better if it's all one tense.
The girl(')s mother stands.
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2015
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You capture Amanda's innocence well, through her simple words and easy trust, and the duplicity of the man through his smile and pretence at playing. Then the horror comes as the mother realises the truth behind the other woman's observation and the van drives away--presumably with the Amanda inside.
Suggestions:
You have a mix of tenses in this story. Most of it is present tense, which works well, but here "A giddy seven year-old Amanda hopped off the merry-go-round." and here "I'll be the sheep," she said.
He smiled." you've slipped into past tense. It will flow better if it's all one tense.
The girl(')s mother stands.
Comment Written 09-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2015
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My biggest problem is tenses. Thank you for reading.
John
Comment from Helena Frances
Such an innocent picture as a contrast to the frightening turn the story takes.
The story moves quickly into the mother's horror, just as directed in the contest!
Good job
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2015
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Such an innocent picture as a contrast to the frightening turn the story takes.
The story moves quickly into the mother's horror, just as directed in the contest!
Good job
Comment Written 09-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2015
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Thank you, Helena. I appreciate you stopping by to read. John
Comment from Spitfire
A great ending with this, but I was a little put off when his hand covered his mouth. How could he speak clearly enough to make Amanda hear his words? The Look Alike speaks for itself. Great irony in the parent's delight at seeing a father at play.
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2015
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A great ending with this, but I was a little put off when his hand covered his mouth. How could he speak clearly enough to make Amanda hear his words? The Look Alike speaks for itself. Great irony in the parent's delight at seeing a father at play.
Comment Written 09-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2015
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Thank you for reading.
John
Comment from Cajungirl
OMG, talk about one hell of a horror story. This is any parents worse nightmare. Perfect contest entry. I am only sorry I don't have a six star to give. Fantastic story.
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2015
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OMG, talk about one hell of a horror story. This is any parents worse nightmare. Perfect contest entry. I am only sorry I don't have a six star to give. Fantastic story.
Comment Written 09-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2015
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Thank you cajungirl. I agree it is a nightmare and happens to often. John
Comment from Judy Couch
This is too close to reality. It could really happen. It's well written. The story unfolds nicely and it ends on a note of horror. Great job.
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2015
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This is too close to reality. It could really happen. It's well written. The story unfolds nicely and it ends on a note of horror. Great job.
Comment Written 09-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2015
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Thank you Judy for the galaxy of stars, I appreciate it.
Also you words of encouragement are so thoughtful. John