Overboard
A woman's revenge18 total reviews
Comment from Dashjianta
You have managed to pack a lot of detail into this short story. In the opening paragraph you show the reader Ben often hits/beats the narrator, often hides it and often apologises, although the apologies tend to be insincere. Despite this, they appear to be spending an enjoyable time fishing together, until Ben falls in and the narrator seizes a chance at revenge. The last line implies Ben's fate whilst leaving the gory details to the reader's imagination.
I enjoyed reading your work--it's a neat, well worked tale.
Suggestions:
I must admit, he actually seemed a little remorseful with his apology
--You could tighten it here by deleting 'actually'. Whilst it does fit into normal speech/thought patterns it doesn't add anything to the meaning of the sentence. If you want to emphasise his seeming remorse, consider going with something stronger and more precise. eg: he seemed genuinely remorseful...
You start every sentence with a I/He/We did structure. In a piece this short it really stands out, especially the two 'we's and the two 'Ben's one after the other. Try to vary this if you can, for example, instead of "We anchored near the ship channel..." you might use "After anchoring near the ship channel, we..." (these are very quick examples to give you an idea of what I mean.)
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2015
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You have managed to pack a lot of detail into this short story. In the opening paragraph you show the reader Ben often hits/beats the narrator, often hides it and often apologises, although the apologies tend to be insincere. Despite this, they appear to be spending an enjoyable time fishing together, until Ben falls in and the narrator seizes a chance at revenge. The last line implies Ben's fate whilst leaving the gory details to the reader's imagination.
I enjoyed reading your work--it's a neat, well worked tale.
Suggestions:
I must admit, he actually seemed a little remorseful with his apology
--You could tighten it here by deleting 'actually'. Whilst it does fit into normal speech/thought patterns it doesn't add anything to the meaning of the sentence. If you want to emphasise his seeming remorse, consider going with something stronger and more precise. eg: he seemed genuinely remorseful...
You start every sentence with a I/He/We did structure. In a piece this short it really stands out, especially the two 'we's and the two 'Ben's one after the other. Try to vary this if you can, for example, instead of "We anchored near the ship channel..." you might use "After anchoring near the ship channel, we..." (these are very quick examples to give you an idea of what I mean.)
Comment Written 09-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2015
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Thank you Dashjianta for this most inspiring and excellent review. This is what I am looking for as an up and coming writer. I need this particular kind of inspiring criticism. Everything you have mention in this review is an awesome learning tool for me and I could not be more appreciative. I will be nominating you for the reviewers contest.
God bless and thank you!
Steve
Comment from Spitfire
This lady got lucky. With one sentence at the beginning you let us know she's abused by hubby. Clever bit about gutting the fish and tossing them. That would encourage those sharks for sure.
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2015
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This lady got lucky. With one sentence at the beginning you let us know she's abused by hubby. Clever bit about gutting the fish and tossing them. That would encourage those sharks for sure.
Comment Written 09-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2015
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Thank you Spitfire for this most excellent of reviews my friend! She didn't even have to push him in LOL!
God bless!
Comment from Judy Couch
Sounds like revenge for the shiner. It's well written and builds suspense nicely. The picture sort of gives it away though. Great job.
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2015
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Sounds like revenge for the shiner. It's well written and builds suspense nicely. The picture sort of gives it away though. Great job.
Comment Written 09-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2015
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Yeah! I thought about not having a picture, maybe I should remove it! Thank you Judy for this excellent review. God bless!
Comment from K. Lorraine
This story was sick and perverted, but so perfect for the horror prompt. We're down to the wire and it is voting time... There are so many good entries that it comes down to dumb luck or a matter of choice. This story is a contender, so best of luck and thanks for sharing...
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2015
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This story was sick and perverted, but so perfect for the horror prompt. We're down to the wire and it is voting time... There are so many good entries that it comes down to dumb luck or a matter of choice. This story is a contender, so best of luck and thanks for sharing...
Comment Written 09-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2015
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Thank you K.Lorraine for the excellent review my friend. I agree, most of these contests come down to preference and luck. The Horror genre really does get some disturbing reviews sometimes though LOL!
God bless
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Thanks for the confidence...
Comment from kiwijenny
Yikes, well I'd be gutted too.
He gives shiners and treats her like do do then falls overboard ...and he expects her to what? Exactly? Oh help him on board so he can beat her up some more ...hmmmmmmmm
God bless
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2015
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Yikes, well I'd be gutted too.
He gives shiners and treats her like do do then falls overboard ...and he expects her to what? Exactly? Oh help him on board so he can beat her up some more ...hmmmmmmmm
God bless
Comment Written 09-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2015
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Thank you Kiwijenny for another excellent review my friend. I always look forward to reading your comments. Do unto those they always say LOL!
God bless!
Comment from BeasPeas
Ooooow! This IS good. An interesting little tale of revenge. Written well. Every word and line counts right to the potent final line. Marilyn/BeasPeas
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2015
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Ooooow! This IS good. An interesting little tale of revenge. Written well. Every word and line counts right to the potent final line. Marilyn/BeasPeas
Comment Written 09-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2015
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Thank you Marilyn for another awesome review my friend. It took me a little while to conjure this short piece up and double that time to get it within the confines of the contest LOL!
God bless!
Comment from Debbie Noland
Well, she is pretty crafty getting somebody else to destroy the evidence like this. No more shiners for her--and fresh fish for supper to boot! Things are looking up for this lady--Ben, not so much.
Good economy of words. Your first paragraph is especially good at providing the necessary back story.
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2015
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Well, she is pretty crafty getting somebody else to destroy the evidence like this. No more shiners for her--and fresh fish for supper to boot! Things are looking up for this lady--Ben, not so much.
Good economy of words. Your first paragraph is especially good at providing the necessary back story.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 09-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2015
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Yes they are LOL! She really didn't do anything wrong except chum the water lol!
God bless and thank you so much for taking the time to read my work.
God bless!
Comment from Bill Schott
The subtle reference to the shiner made me think that Ben might be the one that got away on this fishing trip. Good justice for that 'chum'.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2015
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The subtle reference to the shiner made me think that Ben might be the one that got away on this fishing trip. Good justice for that 'chum'.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 09-Apr-2015
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2015
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Thank you Bill for this most excellent review my friend! Did the sharks get him? I suppose only time will tell LOL!
God bless!