The Trining
Viewing comments for Chapter 20 "THE VISITOR"A man must discover his identity and destiny.
18 total reviews
Comment from krprice
Try to avoid using saw, heard, felt, smelled.
Delete unnecessary 'that's.
I rolled. . . I got out of bed. . . used this same sentence earlier.
Good chapter.
Karlene
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2014
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Try to avoid using saw, heard, felt, smelled.
Delete unnecessary 'that's.
I rolled. . . I got out of bed. . . used this same sentence earlier.
Good chapter.
Karlene
Comment Written 10-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2014
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I'll check on that repetition of that sentence. Thanks for the pick up.
Comment from GWHARGIS
Okay, now get your tail back on the keyboard and give me some more. I knew at the end of Doctorex's dream that it was an unholy vision. The beginning of it may have been the real Axtilla, but by the end I knew it was the evil and unholy entity. I like the way Klasco lets him know he cares. Both with the gift and the words. Glad you aren't letting them say all those brotherly mushy things, because men just don't do that. Even real brothers, there is always a warning or a joke. Great way to end the chapter. I like the cliff hanger.
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2014
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Okay, now get your tail back on the keyboard and give me some more. I knew at the end of Doctorex's dream that it was an unholy vision. The beginning of it may have been the real Axtilla, but by the end I knew it was the evil and unholy entity. I like the way Klasco lets him know he cares. Both with the gift and the words. Glad you aren't letting them say all those brotherly mushy things, because men just don't do that. Even real brothers, there is always a warning or a joke. Great way to end the chapter. I like the cliff hanger.
Comment Written 10-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2014
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Gretchen, you prepared the most delightful way for me to start the day and begin the glide toward Father's Day! Mushy? Me! LOL, no, I made sure it was with purely manly limits.
Comment from c_lucas
To really mix up the pot, one has to add a questionable feminine interest. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a good read.
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2014
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To really mix up the pot, one has to add a questionable feminine interest. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a good read.
Comment Written 10-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2014
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Thanks, Charlie. Yeah, a very special woman in this case.
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You're welcome, Jay. Charlie
Comment from A Matter Of Words
Great touch with the parallel dreams, Jay. The words flowed effortlessly across the page. Very nicely written - great dialogue and the imagery created during Doctrex's dream was excellent.
Opening and closing quotation marks missing...You and the brothers and Zurn....
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2014
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Great touch with the parallel dreams, Jay. The words flowed effortlessly across the page. Very nicely written - great dialogue and the imagery created during Doctrex's dream was excellent.
Opening and closing quotation marks missing...You and the brothers and Zurn....
Comment Written 09-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2014
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I'm so pleased that you liked this chapter. I am very appreciative that you found the nit. It's been corrected. You are so helpful, Stephanie.
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As always, you are most welcome. I look forward to the next chapter...Stephanie
Comment from Oniya
A very nicely written chapter. The characters, especially Klasco, had their own personalities to make the story more interesting. The dialogue was good and the plot was easy to pick up without reading past chapters. Well written.
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reply by the author on 09-Jun-2014
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A very nicely written chapter. The characters, especially Klasco, had their own personalities to make the story more interesting. The dialogue was good and the plot was easy to pick up without reading past chapters. Well written.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 09-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2014
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Thank you, Oniya.
Comment from emrpoems
Good use of dialogue
good characterization
lots of emotion. Created an atmosphere of danger that hd the reader engrossed right through
Good plan and development
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2014
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Good use of dialogue
good characterization
lots of emotion. Created an atmosphere of danger that hd the reader engrossed right through
Good plan and development
Comment Written 09-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2014
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Thank you, emrpoems for your kind words. Please come back for future chapters.
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i certainly will
Comment from DanielEkine
Your writing is impeccable. My Klasco story.
""Axtilla, I don't know--how did you--"
She shushed me with two fingers across my lips and then, without warning, she fell into my arms, quietly sobbing. I held her tightly to me until her breathing became more regular, with only occasional spasms. "Oh my Doc--trex, my dear, dear Doctrex. Why--why did you leave me?"
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2014
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Your writing is impeccable. My Klasco story.
""Axtilla, I don't know--how did you--"
She shushed me with two fingers across my lips and then, without warning, she fell into my arms, quietly sobbing. I held her tightly to me until her breathing became more regular, with only occasional spasms. "Oh my Doc--trex, my dear, dear Doctrex. Why--why did you leave me?"
Comment Written 09-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2014
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Thank you, Daniel, for your kind words. I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Comment from adewpearl
typo in Visitor in your title
you create an atmosphere of impending danger effectively
shushing with fingers, gripping her arm - excellent use of non-verbal communication to enhance the spoken conversation
and excellent dialogue that conveys emotion well
Brooke
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reply by the author on 09-Jun-2014
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typo in Visitor in your title
you create an atmosphere of impending danger effectively
shushing with fingers, gripping her arm - excellent use of non-verbal communication to enhance the spoken conversation
and excellent dialogue that conveys emotion well
Brooke
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 09-Jun-2014
reply by the author on 09-Jun-2014
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Thank you for catching that embarrassing oversight. I'm happy you enjoyed the dream sequence.