Comment from padumachitta

Excellent

Hi, I enjoyed this, it was a light bit, or maybe i am just light today...I have to say i felt the same way about disneyland and i am not at all trasported out of this world....no that I know of...well not too much any way...
"So, this Disneyland was so real you could reach right out and touch it, but when you tried it was not real at all."
padumachitta

 Comment Written 29-May-2014

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reply by the author on 29-May-2014

Yeah, it was light compared to the fight scenes preceding, but there'll be some emotional battles going on, some more intrigue. Hang in there. It's building, it's building.

Comment from krprice

Excellent

Delete unnecessary 'that's.

They silently. . . places, and. . .

Run this through a grammar checker.

Good chapter.

Interesting he chose to compare what he saw to Disneyland. I've been to Disneyland twice, and Disney World several times.

Karlene

 Comment Written 29-May-2014

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reply by the author on 29-May-2014

I only use the grammar checker and the spell checker to spot the obvious. To the unwary,it can lead down many bad paths. I will check it out on this chapter, since I respect your judgement. Thanks, Karlene.

I don't know what "They silently. . . places, and. . ." means.

Thanks for reading on.

reply by krprice on 29-May-2014

There should be a comma after places. You left it out.

Karlene

reply by the author on 29-May-2014

Thanks, Karlene.

Comment from CR Delport

Excellent

This is well written and makes for a great read. Didn't find any errors and I had to look hard to find a suggestion for something to improve.
They silently watched us load the wagon and hitch the Gray --- They watched us in silence as we load the wagon and hitch the Gray ....

 Comment Written 29-May-2014

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reply by the author on 29-May-2014

Thank you so much, CR, for reading this chapter of The Trining. This is your first time aboard, I believe. I hope you read the summary of the previous chapters. Otherwise, you might be in rather deep water. Glad you enjoyed this one, though. I agree with your suggestion and am changing it now. Thanks, friend.

Comment from dejohnsrld (Debbie)

Excellent

"If he weren't my brother (wasn't) or since this is dialogue, perhaps this was intentional

I like that your paragraphs are longer than 1 or 2 lines with the dialogue embedded. I see so many one to two line paragraphs. Apparently, the formation of paragraphs has become a lost art. Well written chapter, my friend~Debbie

 Comment Written 28-May-2014

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reply by the author on 28-May-2014

Debbie, thank you for your wonderful review. I love having you on board. I'm starting to post them every couple of days now so, busy, busy, busy! Actually, "weren't" is correct. It's called the subjunctive mood (I believe) and any time the clause after "if" is not a fact, you use the "were" form not the "was". "If I were you" >> I am not you, therefore the "were" is used, not "was". I'm trying to remember the context above: Neither one had a brother (in reality). Where in the world was that? I just did a "find" search. This is an interesting dilemma. He is telling Giln "If he weren't my brother." And he is trying to pass Doctrex off as being his brother. So is the rule an exception. I don't want to write any more! LOL, I don't know. You might be right. Thanks for bringing it to my attention, though. Much appreciated.

reply by dejohnsrld (Debbie) on 28-May-2014

It's been a very long time since studying grammar in junior high and some of the rules have changed and new words created. I don't think gigabyte was a word used in the early nineties. My first computer was the best one available, cost three thousand dollars, and had 750MB of memory. It crashed and burned when I tried to load Windows 95. My next one had 2 gigabytes of memory and still used a dialup modem. Okay, done reminiscing about the "Good Old Days;. I'm trying to finish editing my second book by Sunday night, so bussy too. I don't think you are on my fan list. so I will remedy that. Take care, my friend~Debbie

Comment from GWHARGIS

Excellent

I loved the Disneyland reference. Of all the wonder/horror/nerve-racking/places of dreams, that was the perfect choice. I am definitely getting a secret bond between Klasco and Doctorex. Not the gay kind, but a brother relationship. It is growing and I think Doctorex may just end up convincing him of his story. Nice chapter.

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 Comment Written 28-May-2014

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reply by the author on 28-May-2014

Thanks, Gretchen. But, there may be some rocky terrain in the next chapter or two. There is volatility churning just beneath the surface. Oops! Maybe I shouldn't say too much. Hey, but thanks for being here. You are much appreciated.

Comment from Writingfundimension

Excellent

Very good continuation of the story, Jay. I love the description of the sheet/membrane with regenerative, healing powers. Fascinating.

Your first paragraph is jumbled up a bit. I'm not sure if there are missing words or what. But, it will put off a new reader.

Kind regards, Bev

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 Comment Written 28-May-2014

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reply by the author on 28-May-2014

Thank you for letting me know that, Bev. I'll go check it out now.

reply by Writingfundimension on 28-May-2014

Sure thing, Jay :)

reply by the author on 28-May-2014

Sorry, I didn't properly thank you, but I wanted to get over there quickly and re-read it. I did make a few basic changes (commas and things) but it seemed to make sense. Say, do you mean the summary that I had in blue?

reply by Writingfundimension on 28-May-2014

I went back and re-read the sentence I stumbled over. For me, 'so he could be kept on eye on...' seems awkward. But, it's your call, Jay. :)

reply by the author on 28-May-2014

maybe "so an eye can be kept on him."? I'll go back and take another gander. Thanks.

reply by Writingfundimension on 28-May-2014

Yes, I think that work well, Jay. Now we're both happy LoL.

Bev

reply by the author on 28-May-2014

I changed it and added a character tag (for emphasis) to the doctor's words. If you have a sec check it out. Especially the character tag. Would like your honest feedback.

reply by Writingfundimension on 28-May-2014

I like the sentence change. Also wondering if you might consider the following:

"Lose a limb or lose a life. Infection doesn't care which," the doctor warned.

Just a thought. :)

reply by the author on 28-May-2014

I will look into that. Right now, I'll settle for taking care of the awkwardness, thanks to your sensitive ear.

reply by Writingfundimension on 28-May-2014

Sure, Jay. Just suggestions... you're the bossman LoL. :) Bev